Posted by Captain Eela Dasca (Lt. Governor) in Dasca’s Apartment- Clarity Within the Fog

(snip)

He took a moment to steady himself and make sure he was both being honest with his best friend but also treading gently. This was going to hurt no matter what, but that didn’t mean he had to twist the knife. “I think it’s like you said, El: it was an extraordinary performance. You spent half your marriage apart from each other. It meant that while apart you had to rely on facial expressions, tone and body language. And that’s ignoring written messages, because those were your downfall. They revealed more than I think you wanted to see. But El, my friend, I want you to think about how much he would have had to bury himself in order to hide that much from a touch telepath, let alone an empath. How much deception does a person have to engage in in order to fool you on that deep of a level?”

The shock showed on her face before it hit her mind, resulting in a tiny gasp. Tears erupted and poured down her cheeks.

[To be continued…]

“I’m right here, El. I know it’s not quite enough, but you’re not alone right now,” Roger said.

Eela nodded as she brushed the tears away. She propped her feet on the sofa and hugged her knees, letting her gaze drift out over the patio. There was a reason she chose this spot to have this conversation with Roger. “Keep going,” she managed to spit out.

Roger waited a moment till he could tell her breathing was more steady before he added more of his observations. “You mentioned all that stuff when Jourin was born. That time was… illuminating, El. And hard, and sad. But did Cory ever tell you why he came back when he did?” He paused. “No? I didn’t think so, because that would have meant he’d have to expose his reluctance, but in any case Ano called him and basically told him to get his ass back to the Berlin and take care of his family.”

Eyes wide, she dropped an arm and leaned in. “Why? Why would Ano do that?”

He inhaled deeply, bracing himself for this complicated revelation. “Because I was upset about how Cory had left you in the lurch but I didn’t know what I should or shouldn’t do. It didn’t seem to matter that your depression was severe and you were struggling to function, El. Nor that you were trying to deal with that, plus deep grief, plus a premie infant and a five year old. I still think encouraging you to work one or two shifts per week was a good choice, but you needed the support of your partner. I think constantly waiting for him to come back made it harder for you to make decisions that felt right for you in any given moment. But one day I was frankly pissed off. You were having a harder day and it broke my heart quite frankly. Shannon pointed out something that made me reconsider my impulse to call Cory myself. She said that I was your best friend on that ship and if I put myself at odds with Cory, there was a possibility that he’d find a way to put a wedge between us, which would cut part of your support system off. You needed more support, not less. I later expressed this frustration to Ano, who had prodded in his own way, and he suggested he make the call because he wasn’t friends with Cory himself and he could take the blame easily without it affecting you.”

Well that made sense! And yet, the underpinning message and implications were hard to wrap her mind around. “And then he came back.”

Roger nodded. “Yes. And he showed up happy to see you all and threw himself into being a dutiful partner and father. I mean, I couldn’t even say that Cory was a bad father. I never saw evidence of it except maybe if it was a situation where you and he were at odds. I do think he used the kids against you though, which I guess plays into some of the other times I was concerned.”

Eela reached for her coffee and took a sip before returning the mug to the table. “Oh?”

He gazed at her for a long moment, his grey eyes searching. “What happened on the Steadfast in the Gamma Quadrant, El? I mean, after your planet communing episode. You and Jourin seemed so great and then you were struggling but you kept things to yourself. You’re allowed your secrets, but I worried about you, and after Jour left for school it was like something between you and him was broken and couldn’t be fixed. Or at least that was my impression. And I didn’t have any proof, but my instincts say that Cory was involved.”

Her mind was taken back to those amazing days exploring the Gamma Quadrant where her and Jourin finally and truly bonded. His mention of her communion brought a brief smile to her lips before the rest made her sigh. “I can’t talk about the details, because I made a promise to Jourin that it was between us. But, suffice to say there was an incident and Jourin came to my rescue. He showed great maturity and wisdom and he took a risk all on his own to help me, to preserve my life and my freedom. Without him, we would not be having this conversation right now. And, outside of the ship logs, the only other person outside of the ship who knew about this incident was of course Cory.”

Roger could have looked at the mission records since he had clearance to, but he never had. It wasn’t his place and he wanted to hear about it from his friend. “And he objected?”

Eela nodded. “He said I had been reckless and put our son at risk and that he had been right that Jourin should have stayed with him.”

“He implied that you were a bad mother.”

As much as she wanted to deny it, she couldn’t. “I think a part of me wondered if he had a point, but on the other hand, Jourin and I were closer than ever. We understood each other in a way we never had before. But this incident became a recurring argument while we were away and I knew Jourin was feeling it. After we returned and Cory rejoined us, everything was good again.”

“That flip-flopping you were talking about… did you bring up those arguments only to have him dismiss them and tell you you were making a big deal out of nothing?” Roger asked, quickly getting confirmation. “And of course after your accident your emotions were not stable and you were recovering from more than just injuries. It made it really easy for him to turn everything into what you were doing or not doing, and deflect it from him. He made himself the victim of your behaviour, even though he was baiting you pretty much daily.” Roger held up a hand. “Before you try to disagree, I was there too, El. I saw it, even if I didn’t always know exactly what it was.”

She sighed and closed her eyes. “This whole thing is so exhausting and I’m so terribly sad some days, Rog. And angry. I can’t help but feel like with my years of experience and my education I should have seen it. How the hell did I miss it?!”

He gave her a soft rueful smile. “Eela Dasca… you are an extraordinary woman. You’re strong and resilient. You’re incredibly smart, kind and compassionate. You see the universe for the complex and nuanced this it really is and that includes the people that exist within it. But you’re also Haliian, and that means you are predisposed against deception. It’s abhorrent to you, even though you have had to learn how to engage in it in certain situations in order to live amongst those that do not share the same values. Unfortunately, it meant that because you were so young when you met Cory, you didn’t know better. You didn’t have the same frame of reference that you have now. I don’t know what it was like before you came to the Berlin, but I do know that the man’s ego couldn’t stand you being fully and truly the powerful woman you are. And I think along the way he did whatever he subtly could to undermine you and your own confidence. This wasn’t an overnight thing.”

As Eela took a deep breath, she could feel the truth in his words and it created a wrenching sensation in her stomach. She rested her forehead in her arms.

[To be continued…]