Posted by Captain Eela Dasca (Lt. Governor) in Dasca’s Apartment- Clarity Within the Fog

(snip)

He gave her a soft rueful smile. “Eela Dasca… you are an extraordinary woman. You’re strong and resilient. You’re incredibly smart, kind and compassionate. You see the universe for the complex and nuanced this it really is and that includes the people that exist within it. But you’re also Haliian, and that means you are predisposed against deception. It’s abhorrent to you, even though you have had to learn how to engage in it in certain situations in order to live amongst those that do not share the same values. Unfortunately, it meant that because you were so young when you met Cory, you didn’t know better. You didn’t have the same frame of reference that you have now. I don’t know what it was like before you came to the Berlin, but I do know that the man’s ego couldn’t stand you being fully and truly the powerful woman you are. And I think along the way he did whatever he subtly could to undermine you and your own confidence. This wasn’t an overnight thing.”

As Eela took a deep breath, she could feel the truth in his words and it created a wrenching sensation in her stomach. She rested her forehead in her arms.

Roger watched her and all he wanted to do was hold her. The distance was painful but he knew that right now his presence over subspace was going to have to be enough. They had managed for decades since the Berlin to maintain this beautiful friendship over time and space, through a massive war, the destruction of the Steadfast and the dissolving of both their marriages. This was just another hurdle he’d see her through, just as she had seen him through all his.

The silence could have felt awkward, but Eela seemed to know that he was waiting for her to be ready. Though there were no tears this time but when she lifted her head, there was a heaviness in her eyes. He gazed at the woman he’d known for thirty-four years, whom he had seen at the highest of highs and lowest of lows. And still she endured. What a glorious thing to witness. As his gaze met hers, he watched the tenor in those eyes shift and it made him smile. “I know,” Roger said softly. “I know.”

Eela shook her head, looking out over the garden that had continued growing in her brief absence earlier this week and had since been a steady balm. “I’ve started doing the Ku Ralai again every morning.”

He beamed at her. “You have? That’s wonderful, Eela. I’m so glad you’re practicing those things again. They were always so important to you.”

She shifted her gaze back to her friend, her person. “It’s easy to just blame the accident for not practicing things again, but it was more than that. I don’t know, this is one of those things I have less clarity on, and there’s not a lot of people I can ask who I still talk to regularly and who knew about my practices.”

“Meyer?” he suggested.

Eela nodded. “Yes, I was thinking I should send him a message soon anyway. I’m overdue and he’s going to give me hell for it.”

“As he should.” Roger laughed. “After all, what good is a former first officer if it’s not to give you hell now and again?”

“Just like former counsellors and second officers?”

“Especially them.”

They fell silent and shared a knowing look, one that needed no explanation. It was Roger who broke the silence. “One day at a time, El, just like always. I’m here for you. Caridee and Kian are here for you. And you have all your new friends there. We have you.”

They were not just words, they were promises, reminders, memories. Things to hold on to, and things to take with her through each day. Eela smiled and nodded. “I know.”

“Good. And just keep in mind what I’ve told you as you start to unpick the rest. But be kind to yourself, El. It’s as you have always told me: we do the best we can at the time with the resources we have. And when you know better, you’ll do better. You know now. And I know you well enough to know that you won’t fall into a similar trap again.”

She knew he was right and so Eela gave him a smile, bracing her elbow on the back of the couch and holding her head. “Whatever would I do without you?”

Roger grinned at her. “Well, you would survive, but it wouldn’t be nearly as fun. That’s the beauty of having decades of inside jokes- I can still bust your chops after all this time, and you give as well as you get.”

“I cherish that,” Eela said, feeling it deeply.

“As do I.’ He studied her for a moment. “If you want to go over any other moment that you need more clarity on, let me know. But do you have what you need now?” Eela nodded. “Okay. I’ll let you go for now. Don’t you have plans this evening?” he said with a wicked grin.

Indeed she did- Dash was coming over later. She planned this call with Roger to give herself enough time to digest and then shift gears. “That I do.”

“Good. I’m really happy to see you getting out again, El. I know it’s been a hard path, and right now everything seems really uncertain, but I can’t help but feel that finding your way of being again can only do you good.”

Eela beamed. “I’m trying, one small thing at a time.” She searched his face and her smile shifted into something deeper. “I’m grateful for you, just so you know. I know we don’t have to say these things, but I feel it is necessary, especially after everything.”

Roger rested his arm on his desk and leaned forward. “You know, if someone would have told me that day you boarded the Berlin, that we’d form the strongest connection I’d have in this life and it would last decades, I’d have laughed them off the ship. But it was and still is an amazing thing I don’t take for granted.”

“Neither do I.” A few words that didn’t convey nearly everything she wanted to.

He smiled at her. “I’ve always got your back, El. You know that. But just in case you need a reminder, know that those of us who care about you see someone worth fighting for and we just want you to be the best you can be. It’s been a hard awakening, but now you can step forward clearly and let go of some of those things that weigh you down. You have this. And on the days where you feel you don’t, I’m just a message away. Now, go digest, and have yourself a great evening, Koonita. Try to keep yourself out of mischief.”

She laughed. “I shall try.”

They ended the call and Eela set the PADD on the table and moved through her place and out onto the patio. Taking in her little haven, she exhaled a heavy breath. It was almost letting something go, but there would be many more exhalations before she felt truly lighter. But as with everything, the more she leaned on her connections with others and trusted in the capacity of her heart, the more she would find herself.

One step, one breath at a time.

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.