Posted by Lieutenant Dr Tealor Tessan (MIA) in You Can’t Go Home

Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical) in You Can’t Go Home

Posted by Colonel Jackson Quade (Captain) in You Can’t Go Home
Posted by… suppressed (67) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Eli scratched his head. “Ok, ah, good I’ll like that” he said. “call you soon” he said then abruptly hung up.

“Ohkay..bye…” but he was gone. It was so strange. He said he called because his daughter wanted to know how she was doing. It could have just been a message. Dradvia set her head against her knees after turning the console off. She didn’t really think that Elias would call again. He’d forget her soon. That was okay, just the idea that he asked if he could, that he had called made her feel warm. Even briefly someone thought about her. Two someone’s if she counted his daughter.

Three. There were three. Dr. Tessan. His fate was her fault, but he thought about her. Maybe… No she would be strong enough to visit Betazed and participate in a Remembrance Rite for Dr. Tessan. She would do that for him.

Dradvia fell asleep curled in the chair. No memories ornightmares reached her.

“Ugh.. see she’s scared of me you should have called her” he said to vash as they got ready to head to check out the club.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Vash rolled her eyes. “Really? You think it would be better for her to hear from me? So she can cower on the floor calling me ‘mistress’ and begging me not to hit her. You think that would be better?”

“Papa, she looks you in the face. She doesn’t look at anyone, but she looks at you. That’s pretty amazing,” she grabbed her jacket and they headed out.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Dradvia woke awhile later. She sat up with a jerk and looked around. It took a moment to realize where she was. She stood up, looked around again, then at the clock. She was supposed to be in sickbay with Cmdr Salen. She went back to her quarters, changed her uniform and then headed into sickbay. She looked around for Cmdr Salen, standing close to the walls, trying to stay out of the way and out of sight.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Well staying out of site was not an easy thing to do, she was more well liked than she was aware of. Nurses and doctors alike were coming up to say hello and telling her how glad they were that she was back. That they had missed working with her.

Reya Salen

At first Dradvia was very polite, being exactly how she should be. Polite, quiet, professional. But more and more people kept trying to speak to her. They wanted to be too close in her space, wanted to put a hand on her or hug her. She crowded back away from them. Elbbirt noticed and went and got Salen before Dradvia had a full blown panic attack.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Reya came in and stepped into the the fray. “Ok everyone back to work, Dradvai is happy to see you all as well, you have said hello now there is work to do, Dradvia come with me please” she said taking her back to the inventory room. “Are you ok?” she asked

Colonel Jackson Quade
Captain U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia followed her into the room. She hugged herself to stop her hands from shaking and as a feeble means of protecting herself. “Yes.” She wasn’t okay, but she answered in the affirmative anyway.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Reya looked at dradia, “Did Tealor teach you how to control your anxiety with the tapping and breathing?” she asked, Dradiva was not going to be able to work if should could not calm down.

Colonel Jackson Quade
Captain U.S.S Wolverine

“Ummm…” Dradvia figited with her hair for a moment, “Yes. I … I remember doing that. I… I wasn’t very good at it, yet before....”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

She smiled, “it’s not about good or bad, just a tool to help calm ones self down. I use it,” she said, “To deal with my,,,,trama” she noted “Give it a go” she said bringing up the
first shelf’s pannel. “We are looking to confirm that these all match what’s actually in the shelf”
Reya Salen

Dradvia crossed her arms and leaned against the wall so she could focus on the spot between her feet. She tapped slowly, the way Dr. Tessan had taught her. Dr. Tessan. He was gone and she’d never get to see him again. Had she ever thanked him enough for not giving up on her?

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Im not gone, I’m here, and I’m not dead the thoughts rang out in her mind. long deep controled breaths

Colonel Jackson Quade
Captain U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia took a few deep breaths, it was difficult but she managed it. How do you know, you’re just a memory?

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor mentally shrugged, “Because you don’t believe I’m dead not really, The Syndicate does not waste someone with my tallent, they need him, he is a skilled surgeon and a telepath, plus.. no they will keep me alive and use me once they are done getting information from me.” he thought and then they will drug me, make me dependant on some female like they did you.

Colonel Jackson Quade
Captain U.S.S Wolverine

I don’t want that for you. A tear slipped out. She never minded Tessan being there, but it hurt so much now.

Finally she opened her eyes. She needed to do something. “I… I can get started now. If… if that’s okay.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Reya smiled”ofcoures, I’ll be over at the quartermasters desk if you need me” she said. Reya had a mental check on her just to ensure she was doing ok.

Reya Salen

Dradvia wasn’t okay. But the work was calming. It gave Dradvia something external to focus on. It wasn’t hard, but it gave her purpose for a few minutes.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Reya just sat and worked on her reports while Dradvia worked on her duties, it seemed to distracter her well enought. It was Reya’s hope that her former adictions were taken care of and she would get out of the room without temptaion

Reya Salen

The temptation was there, but nothing in that room would quench her thirst, and no drug there would give her what she had been conditioned to need. Besides, he had been so proud of her skill as a doctor. She wouldn’t disappoint him.

The ship was quiet and loud in all the wrong ways. Dradvia wanted to shut the door to lock it all out, but she knew she wasn’t allowed to be unsupervised.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

When the day had closed ,it had gone both slow and fast, Dradvia now found herself standing outside her quarters.

Reya Salen

Dradvia stood outside her door. Cmdr. Salen said she could stay with her, but she needed a clean uniform and something to sleep in. Her uniforms would get dingy if she slept in them constantly. Her hand reached for the controls, but she just wasn’t ready to step inside yet.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

=^= “Incomming Message from Eli T” =^= her com badge range out in the hall

Reya Salen

Dradvia jumped causing her finger to hit the control and open the door. She stepped inside, trying not to think too much. A comm. Another one. It… didn’t make sense to her she curled up in the chair and pressed the button on the console. “Hello?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

This time Eli had not been prodded by Vash, he knew she had to do something hard today and wanted to make sure she was ok. “ummm, This is Eli, I, ah” he paused. “Hope i’m not bothing you?” he said he sounded a little unsteady.

Reya Salen

“No!” Dradvia cleared her throat, “No, you aren’t bothering me. Is… is everything okay?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

The phone when quiet for a moment. “Oh, yeah, no vash and I had a good , meeting at the club” he said. “I ah,” he paused it seemed sily now that he was no the call, he was worrying about someone who he did not really know that well. “I just knew you had to go back to work for the first time today, and wanted.

“I wanted to see how you were”

Reya Salen

“Oh,” it was soft, but the surprise was clear and a little color git her cheeks. “It… it was okay.” She shrugged little. Thinking about all the people who wanted to hug and touch her. “Cmdr. Salen had me inventory the medical supplies.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

He could hear the anxiety in her voice. “What happened? you sound anxious” he said wanting to help. “I mean i guess it’s none of my business, I just” he paused.”You sound upset.” he rubed his head and wondered if maybe he was over stepping.

Reya Salen

“Too many people. They all wanted to hug me and talk to me. And I know they are trying to be kind. I know I’m not normal, that I shouldn’t hate touch so much. I just can’t stand it Elias,” There was an ache there. Frustration and sadness and something a bit desperate. But she’d used his name.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Normaly he would have correct someone for calling him Elias, only his wifes has been alowed to call him that, and ofcourse vash could but she never did, she called him Eli, and now Papa which he really liked. “Dradvia, it normal to feel the way you do, It’s ok some day you’ll find someone you can connect with” he said sofly, he knew she did not like compliments. “You do you and work to what works for you, they mean well, but you get to feal what ever you want, okay?” he said

Reya Salen

Dradvia didn’t use his full name because she was trying to be formal or rude. She’d lived her life so long without being able to have her name. Lokhar took their names to take away their identity. For her, using his full name was respect, confirming his independence and identity. It was a selfish choice too. Because she hoped if she did that for others they would do it for her.

Dradvia shrugged. “As long as I act happy and normal I can feel whatever I want. If I’m not they won’t let me stay.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Eli sat in thought a moment, it had not bothered him when she called him Elias, it felt… right. “Do you want to stay?” he asked, he certianly would not, but then again he hated starlfeet so he was not a good measure. “Your a good doctor, I’ m sure you could get a job in the civilan secotor where you don’t have to, Yes Sir, a bunch of pompis stuck ups.” he said.

Reya Salen

She knew how much he despised Star Fleet. “Pompus stuck ups are better than the alternative.” Dradvia smiled sadly as she said it. She shook her head, drawing into herself. “Maybe, but where would I go? I thought being in Star Fleet would keep me safe. I was wrong. No where is safe, and I’m not very good at taking care of myself.”

She licked her lips in that nervous twitch, her eyes darting around the room. She was thirsty, but she had to fight the need for the ale. There was none here anyway.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Some places are safer than others,” he mumbled. “You would never have been taken if you were with Vash and I” he noted maybe it was true. maybe it wasn’t, but Eli sure thought so. “We don’t let our gaurd down like Fleet”

Reya Salen

Dradvia shook her head, “No, oh no Elias. Do you know what they would do to your daughter if she had harbored a runaway? No. She would have had to turn me in.” They would have had to choose. It wouldn’t have been a choice really. Dradvia knew that. But it was sweet that Elias said so.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Eli shook his head. “Vash and I have our ways, it would have never come to that, we have been dealing with your friends for many years.” he noted. ” but that does not mater you are safe now, you are free and if anyone tries to take you, they will have to get through Me” he said plainly. She did not know who he was, how many people he had killed, or how many he had saved, it was ok he just wanted her to be happy, it had become, important to him” He had had vash put out informatate nets around Dradvia, if her name or a description of her came up in the underground or above ground they would know about it and could head it off.

Colonel Jackson Quade
Captain U.S.S Wolverine

She didn’t understand why he was so adamant about her safety and being responsible for it. What did he want? She couldn’t think of anything. He could have… demanded it, kept her for himself. But he just took care of her and took her back. “Thank you.” She didn’t know what else to say. It was sweet, but she knew better than to believe in hope.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Freedom is hard, isn’t it.” it was a statement as much as a question. “It was well after the war ended that I started believing I was free, I still get the nightmares, ” he noted, “Im sorry you have to go through this,” he suggested.

Colonel Jackson Quade
Captain U.S.S Wolverine

“I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s hard. I… I don’t think the nightmares will ever go away now.” She shook her head. “I was,” She stopped abruptly, tensing, a silent squeak of terror cut off. She curled right into herself.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Hey, you don’t have to talk about it, ” he said wanting to hop a shuttle and go to her, she hated sedatives and she did not have her own personal delta to calm her while she slepts. Eli paniced, something he never did but he felt helpless. He started singing a lullaby. Your text to link here…
.
Colonel Jackson Quade
Captain U.S.S Wolverine

Eli didn’t know it, but the song was grounding. Outside her room a handful of other officers had passed by, loudly sharing a joke or story or something. They weren’t coming for her, they weren’t discussing her. They were simply going about their lives, but that was something that she never got over the first time. She was so still and silent, her breath held until the passed out of hearing distance.

Dradvia was unaware of how many times Vashkilu had helped her sleep and eased her pain. She was unaware that Vashkilu had done that at all. She laid her head on her knees and listened as he sang. “That’s beautiful,” she said when he finished, something calm having settled over her. “I didn’t know you could sing.” Of course why would she? She barely knew him.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“oh, ah thanks, it is an old lulibye from my people, I , well vash was the one who helped you with your fears and nightmars and things while we were on the shuttle.” he noted. “I just did not what to do you seemed scared.” he suggested./

Eli

She looked so puzzled. She didn’t remember his daughter helping her. She’d been nice, really, but Dradvia was still afraid of her. She shook her head, “I’m always scared. Someone… um walked by my quarters, that’s all.” That had gotten better before they took her again. She didn’t think she would ever not be afraid again. The sigh was so heavy and so sad Eli could almost feel it through the screen. “Will.... will you ummm… will you tell your daughter I’m sorry for how I acted?” She knew now it was just trauma and control and conditioning that made her act that way to Eli’s daughter. She was still scared of her and probably always would be, but she still felt bad about it.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“She, knows, but I ll tell her.” he said “She understands, better than most people would” he said, “We’ll I have to get going, will you be ok?” he asked

Eli

“Of course.” She wouldn’t be, but that was her problem not his. Some deep compulsion made her speak before he could hang up, “Elias? Be careful, both of you?” Then she turned off the comms before anything else could be said.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

He knew what she said was not exactly true, he just hoped she would find some peace. He went to his own room and sat on the bed. His thoughts drifting to the war, and is time in the camps.

Eli

Dradvia’s days were monotonous enough, at least to everyone else. She finished the inventory, checked and refilled emergency medical kits, then resupplied emergency stations around the ship, and the shuttles. She didn’t mind, it kept her busy, helpful, and away from everyone.

She was still staying with Cmdr Salen. She slept on the couch. She had tried the bed the Cmdr brought in, but it felt too much like the pallet Lokhar forced her to sleep on. So she stayed in the couch. Sometimes, when she couldn’t sleep she played the recording of Elias singing. But only when she was certain Cmdr Salen wouldn’t hear.

Cmdr Salen hadn’t pushed her to talk yet, but she knew she would eventually. She was off duty for the day. She kept pushing herself to go to her quarters and wait there until Cmdr Salen was back. She had to learn to be alone. Dradvia went looking for her early though. She found her still in sickbay. “Cmdr Salen?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Thank you Ensign” she said handing Marty a padd. “Dradvia, what can I do for you?” she asked, She wanted to meet with Dradvia to talk with her about what was happening but she did not want to push, hoping that Dradvia would offer on her own.

Reya Salen

Dravia stepped into the area. She was gripping her upper arms painfully. “I… I’m empty. It hurts. I feel like I’m…” she searched for a way to describe it, “dissolving.” She was trying to hug herself, to feel something. “I… I think I need a treatment.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Raya nodded, “Ok hop on a bio bed I’ll go get it set up” she said

Dradvia moved over to the biobed. Habit, need, restlessness, whatever it was she turned on the biobed and adjusted the scans and readings for what Raya would need. She put up a privacy field as well. She hated this part. At least at Sacred Heart she had real privacy. She laid down, hugging herself and closed her eyes against the pain.

She returned a few minutes later with an infussion unit and several literes of the agent that would undo the OX-9’s horibble effects. “Would you like some company? Me someone I can call?” she asked

Reya Salen

Dradvia rolled a little so Salen could reach her arm. Someone to call? The only person she wanted was Elias. But that was wrong. She knew that. She had imprinted on him, and whenever it got bad she still wanted him. It only made her feel more broken. The only tiny twinge of contentment she had was refusing to give in to the need to beg for him. Dradvia knew she didn’t really love him. That had been explained to her over and over. She wasn’t capable of truly loving anyone now. The drug would always warp her.

Lt. McKenzie had always sat with her, but it was never who Deadvia wanted. She wouldn’t ask for anyone else. She never wanted to imprint on another person again.

Her K12 pain reading was exeptionally high, but Dradvia had turned off the alarm. No need to disturb the other patients. “No, I don’t have anyone to call Cmdr. It’s okay.” She hugged herself until she bruised her arms. At least she could feel that. The treatment would help, she reminded herself.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Dradvia chewed her lip a little. “You don’t have to stay if your busy. I just… I didn’t want to ask anyone else.” Her voice was whisper quiet and full of shame.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Its no trouble, I need to rest a bit anyway” she noted sitting down. “So tell me about this Eli?” she said with a smile. “New friend?” Reya was not really trying to pry but he had called her a few times and she seemed, relaxed with him the few times she had heard her talk to him. Nervous but a comfort in her voice.

Reya Salen

Dradvia nodded as Salen settled in to the seat. Her eyes flicked warily up to Salen and then away. “Ummm… he and his daughter… they… they were the ones that took me… brought me back.” She was wary of saying too much. She knew Salen was a telepath and though that didn’t usually bother Dradvia, she didn’t want anything to happen to Elias and his daughter. They had been nice to her.

“He was just… checking on me. He… he just feels guilty. I imprinted on him,” Dradvia said very quietly, barely a breath. Shame swamped her. The things she’d said to him, her desperation, all of it. “I didn’t contact him. I swear, he reached out to me. He’s kind, he just feel responsible. I know the attachment is gone, or will be.” Salen felt confusion and a quiet soft attachment, but shame and denial too. The thought of the man gave Dradvia a sense of calm even as she rejected it through the pain and confusion of what she’d been through.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Reya smiled a moment, “Dradvia, you have been on the OX-9 for sometime now, and while you may have inprinted as a result of your travel, but that drug is long out of your system. and you have been in treatment now for some time, I’m not sure that is what is going on. ” she noted. “And he might feel responsible, but it’s possible that he just cares about you” she noted. “I think you should maybe reach out to him next time, what ever the reason he seems to bring you some meaure of peace.”

Reya Salen

Dradvia gave a self-conscious shrug. “Lt. McKenzie told me the psychological impact would take longer because he was kind to me and that genuine connection is all mixed up with the drug.” Which was true, and there were notes in her file where McKenzie had spoken to Dradvia about it. The counselor also noted that she had mentioned to Dradvia about contacting Elias and his daughter, but Dradvia was strongly against it because of the drug. Dradvia wasn’t ready to see that it might be more. It was too hard and too frightening.

Dradvia shrugged again, “I wouldn’t know how to contact him anyway.” Dradvia preferred it that way. She didn’t want anyone trying to find them. They had been kind to her, even though it was just a job for them. She wished he was there right now. The pain wasn’t as bad, but Dradvia felt like she was being ripped apart, floating away, nothing holding her together. Elias would hug her when she told him that. Like he could keep her substantial. She knew he only did it because he had to take care of her. Those hugs though… they were priceless to her. She had to remind herself that whatever lingering affection she felt for him, wasn’t returned by Elias. She knew that; she knew he was doing whatever he could to keep her alive. She saw, though, the soft affection when he looked at his daughter, the way his voice got gentle and soft when he said he loved her. The rumble of his voice and the fierceness in his eyes when he talked about his wives. The love that still filled him. He was never going to look at her like that.

She took a breath, slowly to stop a sob. It was okay that he didn’t; Dradvia just had to remind herself it was a fantasy. She had to be grateful for his kindness, and not look for more.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer
“Perhaps” she said, though here was something in his voice and Dradvia’s when she had heard them talking, something deeper. “There is a social event going on, maybe we can go to that, see how you do around people. I don’t much like trivia, feels” she paused. “Unfair, but I will take evening drink and notes there so you have some support should you need it?”

Reya Salen

Dradvia didn’t want to do anything social. Right now she just wanted the pain to stop. It wasn’t nearly as bad as when she was with Elias and his daughter, but the pain just reminded her of everything, and the memories were more painful. “Oh… okay.” She didn’t want to, but she knew she couldn’t avoid it either.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

I’ll be in the room if you need me” she said standing. “You’ll do fine” she noted standing. “Shall we?”

Reya Salen

“N…n…nnnow?” Dradvia’s eyes were dilated with fear. “I… I just finished a treatment.” She sat up carefully. She never knew how she would feel after a treatment. Sometimes she was tired or dizzy or aching. Sometimes she felt a lot better and energetic. She swung her legs over the side of the biobed. She hoped Salen would tell her it was later or the next day. At least she would blend in in her uniform.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Salen walked around and checked her vitals, “Now it’s tonight, you have a few hours to rest before you go” she said. “You’ll do find Dradvia, just try is all Im asking from you” she said. “If it’s too much, make an excuse and leave, ok?”

Reya Salen

Dradvia’s vitals looked good. More stable. Her pain level was still high, but it was coming down as the treatment flooded her system. She nodded quietly. “I’ll try.” She didn’t want to. She didn’t want to be around a lot of people and strangers. But she’d promised Dr. Tessan she would try, she would do the work. He wasn’t here anymore, but she would keep her promise.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

you can do this, but do it because you want to not because you promised me tealors voice echoed in her mind.

“Good” Reya said as she stood up. “I’ll see you tonight then, if the dizzness does not get better by tomorrow come back to sickbay” she ordered.

Reya Salen

Dradvia nodded, “I will.” She slid off the biobed and left sickbay. She hurried to her quarters. She was still mostly staying with Salen at night, but she didn’t feel comfortable being in there alone.

If I did what I wanted… Dradvia shook her head. I just want it to stop.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

I think you should call and talk to Eli, before you go tonight Tealors voice echoed in her mind. You said you would call him if you were struggling and needed someone, you just had a treatment, see what’s real the voice encouraged. I think you are more than a job to him

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Emotion overwhelmed her. She wanted Elias desperately, but it was impossible. I can’t. She slid down to the floor against the wall and wiped her eyes to stop the tears spilling. Even if I knew how to reach him, I can’t rely on him. It’s not… it’s not fair to him. I was horrible and inappropriate with him. If I contact him, he’ll just feel more obligated to keep checking on me. She pulled her knees up and hugged them. I can’t rely on him, Tealor, she’d started speaking to that voice in her head by his first name. It still physically hurts that he’s not here.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

seems odd that he would tell you to contact him and not give a way. Have you checked your messages? she could feel the look on tealors face, Eli would have given her a way if he told her to do it.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia knew he was right, but she was afraid to look. She was afraid of a way not being there. That it was just an empty gesture. Dradvia was equally afraid that Elias had sent her a way to contact him. She was afraid of what that would mean; she was afraid of reading too much into it. Her eyes strayed to the console on her desk. His last message was still there. It was the last thing she’d looked at. Replayed him singing…

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

The message was after the audio a small post script return with a contact number in it.

See said the voice of tealor

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia stares at it. Her heart raced and pounded so hard it made her temples throb. Her hand reached out to connect and then she snatched it back. What would he think, what if he was busy what would she say? “I… I can’t.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical

You can, and you should, you need his help and he offered, he wants to or he would not have left the number tealor said

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia bit her lip and reached out. Her hand pulled back a couple of times before she hit the button so hard the console rocked. The Federatiin Delta spun on the screen. “I shouldn’t do this.” But she wanted him so bad..she wanted him there.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical