Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say

Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say

Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say
Posted by… suppressed (112) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
“Dee?” Sisnil asked, but she was gone. If she came looking for him later, it seemed as though he was nowhere to be found.

~ Zoi

Dradvia had gone back to her quarters and cried. She didn’t know what else to do. She was embarrassed by what he heard, by her admission (of what she wasn’t sure), and ashamed of her behavior and thoughts and confusion and inability to act normal. The more she thought about it the worse her panic attack became.

She did go to the lounge for dinner. She hoped he would be there, so she could at least apologize. She didn’t know how she would work up the nerve, but she had to. She’d promised.

But like earlier that day, he was nowhere to be found. She didn’t ask the computer, she gave him his privacy. He hadn’t been looking for her earlier anyway. That had been an accident. She went back to her quarters and cried until she fell asleep. Her dreams were horrendous and frightening.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Her dreams woke him again. Sisnil knocked on her door early in the morning. “Dee? You okay?”

~ Zoi

The knock startled her. He could feel the sudden burst of panic as she woke. Inside Dradvia stared at the door. She stood and wrapped a robe around herself. She walked to the door, clutching the robe closed. She pressed the control and let the door open. She stared at him, confused, dark circles, mussed hair. “Sisnil?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Sorry,” he apologized. “You were dreaming again.” He looked at her, “Though… Not sure if waking you was a help.” Then he broke into a little smile. “I brought Simon.”

~ Zoi

As he spoke, she had stepped back to let him enter. She didn’t think about that too much. “Oh, I’m sorry.” She’d woken him up again. She couldn’t stop herself from dreaming unless she stayed awake constantly. She glanced down at the cat, “Is he alright?” Did he get hurt or sick? Sisnil was smiling, so probably not. She needed to stop avoiding the awkwardness and just get it over with. She looked up at some point just above and past his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Sisnil, for how I acted yesterday.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil nodded, “He’s fine.” He stepped into the quarters and let the door close. “It’s fine. I’m not worried about it,” he said and smiled. “You’re an avoider, Dee. It’s how you are. I’d be stupid to expect it to change.”

~ Zoi

It sounded like an insult. It felt like an insult. Nothing suggested to her Sisnil meant it that way, though. Was she an avoider? She didn’t like dealing with things that made her uncomfortable or scared. She’d been forced to endure so much worse, that had been one of the first freedoms she’d claimed. Walking away from situations that didn’t feel safe. Had she taken that to extremes? It didn’t take much for her to realize that she had. At least in her personal life, not that she had a personal life really. Something else for her to worry over and try to figure out.

“Did Simon enjoy the program you made?” The cat was a safe topic, wasn’t it?

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil nodded. “He loves it. I think I might expand it, give him a little space that isn’t trees.” He didn’t say anything else, he wasn’t sure what to say without making her feel worse. “Uh, sorry.”

~ Zoi

She gave him a confused look, and ran a hand through her hair, messing it further. “For what?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“For making you feel insulted.” He said simply. “What I said… Clearly came out worse than I meant it.” Sisnil looked at her, “You’re not a slave anymore, Dee. You deserve apologies.”

~ Zoi

“Oh, yo… you di… did… you didn’t.” She stammered, embarrassed and shy. “Really. I… I didn’t think you meant it like that.” Oh gods she’d made him think he’d upset her. She stared down at her hands and her barefeet against the carpet. “You were being a good friend. I’m,” she shrugged awkwardly, more so than normal. “I’m just broken Sisnil. I try to hide how broken I am, but really I’m far more damaged than can be hidden. You didn’t insult me, I just…” that shrug again, “it just still really hurts sometimes to remember how bad I really am. That’s not your fault.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil gave her a look. “Broken? Bad?” He almost asked who made her think that, but the answer was obvious. “No, Dee, you’re not.” He said gently. “I can hear your mind, remember? There isn’t much that can be hid from me. And I don’t think you’re broken.”

~ Zoi

He was so sweet, so kind, she had no idea why he bothered with her. She didn’t smile; she just looked sad. “I am, Sisnil. I even have the scars to prove it. But the invisible ones here,” she tapped her head, “are worse. And there is nothing left here,” she tapped her chest over her heart, “but dust.”

Dradvia was a good person, she cared for others, but she wasn’t able to form connections with others anymore. Most people would agree that her attraction to Sisnil was a very poor decision. He was Syndicate and she was a runaway. She wasn’t afraid of him though.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Even Sisnil thought it was a bad idea. He liked her. And selfishly he let her like him. But one day he was going to have to send her away. Maybe it was better that he leaves at his first opportunity. To get away from her and rid her of the danger that was knowing him. He smiled. “Those scars aren’t invisible to me. And I don’t believe that,” he gestured to her chest, “for a second. Not one second.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia hadn’t acknowledged it consciously, but that was one of the things that left her so uncertain and confused. He was going to leave. He had to, and she understood that. She was already too attached. She was excited to see him, enjoyed his company, she felt safe for the first time in years. When he left he would take that with him, he would take the only friend she would have, and the dust of her heart.

He would leave, and she would never see or hear from him again. That was just the way it would be. No amount of self preservation could convince her to stay away from him. She glanced up at his face and away. “You’re kind to say so.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil shrugged. “I guess.” He said. “I’m just telling the truth.” Sisnil didn’t want to leave her, either. He didn’t know why. He’d turned in runaways before, he just… compartmentalized. Like turning an animal over to the butcher. But Dee… She was different for some reason. He hadn’t considered why. He didn’t know.

~ Zoi

They stood there silently, the awkwardness building, until it made Dradvia start to fidget. “I… I guess I woke you up again. I wish … I knew how to stop doing that.” Then all she could think about was how he’d stayed with her before.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m doing better than I was with sleep anyway. And you can’t really stop it either way. I’ve… Grown used? to your presence… It comforts me to be.. sort of synced? with it.” He made a face and sighed, “Why is explaining empathy so hard?”

~ Zoi

Dradvia shook her head, “I can’t ever understand, but it makes sense. I’m glad I can help.” She wished she had that way of knowing she was connected to someone. That she was never alone. She was so alone all the time, so lonely it made her scared. Especially when the nightmares came.

She changed the subject, so she wouldn’t cry. “How did Simon do his first night?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Spent most of it curled up against me. The early morning hours he decided he was done sleeping.” Sisnil gave the kitten a look. “Think I had trouble sleeping before I got a kitten?”

~ Zoi

For a moment Dradvia thought he was talking about her. She wished that had been her. She was surprised she had missed him being there last night. The flush that rushed over her and the way she looked away told him exactly what she was thinking.

Trying to cover her own conflicting emotions she reached out and pet Simon’s ear gently. “You need to learn to play quietly. Your Daddy needs his sleep. He doesn’t get up early like me.” Unless her nightmares woke him.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil wanted to be there, but that was partly because he was so used to sleeping with someone else in the room. He laughed and rubbed Simon’s body. “He definitely doesn’t know how to be quiet. Besides, most of the time, he was attacking my toes.”

~ Zoi

“Toes are not toys, Simon,” Dradvia said as sternly as she could manage as the kitten rubbed her hand and grabbed for her fingers. “Sisnil needs his toes. Yes he does. You leave them be.” She glanced up at him, smiling, enjoying the pureness of the moment. “You be careful though. I’ve been reading. His claws and teeth carry bateria, so if he cuts the skin make sure you clean it thoroughly.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled, her worry amusing him, but he did also like it. “I’m sure I’ll be alright,” he said. “His box is clean, he’s not exposed to anything.” He shrugged, “I’m not worried.”

~ Zoi

She sighed dramatically, “You should be, but you won’t. You’re a big bad pirate. So I guess I’ll have to do all the worrying for you.” She leaned in and kissed Simon’s head.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil laughed. “You have enough worry for half the universe, Dee.” He said. “A cat scratch… Well, I guess it just shouldn’t be a major one.”

~ Zoi

“Only,” she glanced up at him, still smiling, “if it bleeds. His box might be clean, but after he uses it, he scratches in it. So his claws get dirty.” She ruffled Simon’s fur. “I’ve been reading.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled. “You are prepared for anything, aren’t you?” He said. He scratched Simon’s head. “Hear that? You’re dangerous.”

~ Zoi

“No, not everything.” Dradvia hadn’t been prepared for Sisnil. She was going to say more, but Simon chose that moment to roll over, grab Sisnil’s fingers, and gnaw on them. As if needing to prove Sisnil’s statement. Dradvia started giggling.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Hey! Ouch! Simon!” Sisnil complained. He pulled his hand away and shooed Simon. “Go find a toy! Here!” He tossed a toy towards the cat.

~ Zoi

Dradvia giggled again as the kitten darted across her quarters. She took his hand and held it in hers. She bent her head to examine his fingers. “You’ll be fine, it’s nothing to worry about, right?” She was teasing him and grinning while she did so.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil was just silently enjoying her holding his hand for no real reason. Simon had been a bit overzealous, but there was no blood. “Absolutely nothing to worry about,” Sisnil said and grinned.

~ Zoi

She ‘hmmmed’ a couple of times while she turned his hand this way and that, and flexed his fingers. Her mind was full of amusement and teasing. “Yes, well I’m the doctor. I’ll make that call.”

Sisnil chuckled. He let her look all she wanted, keeping his hand relaxed in her gentle fingers.

She held his hand as if it was broken and led him over to the work station and grabbed her med kit. She took out an antiseptic spray and cleaned the scrape. Simon hadn’t cut the skin just scrapped it, but she took out the dermal regenerator anyway and used it. It was all for show. Dradvia was enjoying teasing him. “There, all better. Now, I want to see you again tomorrow to make sure it is still healing properly. Understand?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil let her lead him over and ‘treat’ it. It didn’t need treating. He chuckled again and nodded, “‘Course, Dee. Only for you though,” and he winked, “No one else.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia felt a warm shakiness spread through her along with heat that turned her cheeks red when he winked at her. She swallowed once trying to clear her throat that seemed suddenly dry as she stared at him. After a long pause her brain finally started working again. “Well good thing I won’t ever meet Eli. I would have to tell him, and that would get you into trouble.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil laughed. “Well, you might get me punched. That’s about it.” He said, shaking his head.

~ Zoi

“And then be in need of medical assistance.” She sighed. “Well I suppose I can’t tell on you then. It would go against my oath to cause no harm.” Not that he was at risk of her telling. She would never meet Eli or Noril or Vash. When Sisnil saw them again, he would be lost to her. She ached, the idea left her feeling more alone than she ever had.

She didn’t want to think about it. She looked around, realized she was still in her robe and barefeet and flushed again. “Where did Simon get to?” she asked, changing the subject.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil laughed. “You’d come to realize that my getting punched happens fairly regularly and the most medical treatment I’d get after the first five or six times would be ‘Sisnil, stop pissing off your crewmates, now get out’.” He intimidated her voice, surprisingly well, waving his hand dismissively as part of the imitation. Then he stopped and grinned at her.

~ Zoi

“I would not!” she protested fervently. “I mean, yes I would say that, but I would still treat you.” AND She would give his crew a tongue lashing they would never forget. Assuming of course she had the courage to speak in front of them at all. Angering them could get her turned in to the Syndicate. So she probably wouldn’t berate them like they deserved.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You’d give them that tongue lashing every other day,” Sisnil laughed. “And no one on my crew is turning anyone into the Syndicate on my ship. I’d keelhaul them myself.”

~ Zoi

For the very first time Dradvia did not believe him. She had no idea what ‘keelhaul’ was, but it sounded like a punishment. She had no doubt Sisnil would punish anyone for not following his orders. She appreciated him attempting the sentiment, but she could never believe that anyone would care enough about her. “No, you wouldn’t.” She would never meet his crew or be on his ship. It left an achingly painful hole inside, but that wasn’t new.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil gave her a look. “Yes, I would.” He said, firmly. “The same I would for Vash.” What was he, the slave herder? How did he keep finding them? It didn’t matter. If there was one thing he disagreed with the most with the Syndicate, it was that. “And I’d do the same if anyone here decided to earn a little side money.”

~ Zoi

She gave him her own look. She looked empty, resigned, full of bottomless despair. He might do the same for anyone, but she also knew that depended. He never said what, but he had said he had done things he didn’t agree with. To keep Noril and his crew alive and semi free. She was nothing compared with that. She wasn’t Vash. His brother wasn’t in love with her (not that she wanted Noril to be). Vash might get the fairytale. Dradvia would not.

His last statement scared her. “Have… have you heard something? You think someone in board would do that?” The fear and panic physically shook her. Her hand gripped themselves till they turned pale white. Then she shook her head, “It doesn’t matter. I’m not your responsibility, Sisnil. Just Simon and getting back to your brother.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil took one of her hands and squeezed it. “I haven’t heard anything. I just.... Heh,” he shook his head. “Maybe I’m too paranoid. Maybe you shouldn’t listen to me.” He glanced at her, “You know, my protection of Vash has nothing to do with Noril’s feelings.”

~ Zoi

She looked at him holding her hand, looking as confused as she felt. She didn’t flinch or pull away though. She looked up at him and shook her head. No, she didn’t know that. She didn’t really know much about it at all. He said they agreed so her father wouldn’t sell her to someone else, and that he knew Noril had feelings for her. He had hinted that he and Vash were close, but she really didn’t know anything about their relationship.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I’d do it for anyone on my crew. And Dee, you’re- well, I care about you. You don’t think you’re worthy of that, I know. Doesn’t change the facts.” Sisnil said, looking at her, gaze sincere and focused.

~ Zoi

She felt like his eyes were magnets, pulling her toward him with an inevitability that couldn’t be stopped. She wasn’t his crew, and she never would be. But… He cared about her? It made no sense to her. He was so intent, she couldn’t look away. She wanted to cry, to sob, to vent her confusion, and the deep empty ache inside. But she wouldn’t. Not until she was alone.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled. “Yes, I care about you. No amount of that not making sense to you will change it.” He was shamelessly reading her thoughts, she didn’t seem to mind.

~ Zoi

She looked even more confused, and not because he was reading her thoughts. Any wish she might have had that he couldn’t was long gone. He could, that was the way he was. That was okay with her even if him knowing the things she thought embarrassed her greatly.

No, she was confused because he was so insistent that she know he cared about her. She didn’t want pretty lies, not even ones meant to help her. It would only hurt more later.

At the same time, she desperately wanted, needed to believe him. Even if she only mattered until he was gone and then forgot about her. She was caught in his gaze and couldn’t look away. His black eyes weren’t cold or cruel, but oddly warm and full of life, vitality, something.

She tried to rationalize his sincerity. He was a pirate, he probably lied all day long. Why did he have to be so convincing then? Why did he make her want to collapse and weep and let him make everything right again?

It all warred so obviously through her. He was going to leave and … she couldn’t contemplate what that would do to her. She couldn’t yet accept the feelings growing silently inside her. His gaze and hold on her hand was magnetic, his words like a spell. She was totally unaware of how she had moved into his orbit, close enough to be held against him in his arms.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I’m not lying to you. I wouldn’t do that,” Sisnil said gently. He would tell her that he liked her too, but… well, his own emotions were almost as twisted as hers. What would that achieve? It would make a difficult situation harder. For both of them. Maybe it was best he just… say nothing? But then… wasn’t spending so much time with her leading her on? Using her so he could be less lonely? He wished there were anyone he could trust to talk to.

~ Zoi

Dradvia had never thought he would lie. He had no reason to do so, but then why else would he be saying such impossible things? She knew he was lonely, that he hung around because he didn’t know how to live without his twin’s constant presence. She was no substitute for Noril, but she understood, had lived, things the rest of the crew never could. Perhaps he was just being kind? Trying to leave behind sweet memories when he left.

Perhaps she should stay away. Dradvia dismissed that notion immediately. She had promised not to leave him alone. The price of his loss was worth easing his lonliness.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

But why? Why was his loneliness so important to her? Sisnil knew part of his interest in her was her past. She was the most familiar kind of person on this crew. One of few crew members here that wouldn’t judge him continuously. He was quiet for a moment. Then he worked up the courage: “Why is my loneliness so important to you? Why do you not simply walk away as… I’m sure you’ve been advised to do more than once?”

~ Zoi

Her brows drew down and her head tipped to the side in confusion. “No one has advised me to stay away from you. Well… Stephens, but he doesn’t count. He was jealous, and possessive, and took liberties.”

She stepped closer, he could smell the soft scent of her soap. “Why? I… I guess because I know what it’s like to be taken by someone, and forced into a life you don’t want. I know what it is like to lose everyone that matters. I don’t want that for you. If I can do something to ease that ache, then I want to help.” She didn’t have much to offer, but he could have everything she did.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil set an arm around her gently, just for a moment, and then leaned against the nearest wall. “You do help.” He said, voice soft. His mind still refused to accept that their situations were even worse comparing. He’d done something to deserve this. And this wasn’t nearly as bad as what she’d been through. “I guess I just… I don’t…” He frowned, having trouble putting words to feelings.

~ Zoi

She didn’t want him to move his arm. So she leaned into him as he leaned against the wall. He was masculine and strong and she wanted to stay in his arms. “What? You can tell me anything.,”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You were a slave, Dee. They did things to you that.... That no one should have to go through.” Sisnil shrugged, keeping his arms around her. “I wasn’t. I’m not. I’m here against my will, yes, but I will never face the things you did.”

Her face burrowed momentarily into his shoulder as memories of what had happened to her flashed through her mind. Dradvia wasn’t even aware of how she moved into him for comfort. After a moment she lifted her head to look at him. She didn’t want anyone to ever go through what she did.

He sighed, looking at her, “On the other hand, you’re right. I’ve lost everything and everyone I care about. You are hoping I get back, I know. I am, too. But I’m also aware of what the odds of that are.”

“I guess I just… I feel like my situation isn’t comparable to yours. Like… I don’t deserve to be upset because it could be worse. You know?”

~ Zoi

“A guided cage is still a cage, Sisnil. No one should be caged. I never want anyone to go through what I did. In some ways, your situation is worse. There was no one, no family, to miss me, to look for me, or worry. You have a brother, a twin you have been ripped away from, a crew that cares about you. The pain of your incarceration goes past just you to them. It affects many people. My pain and loss was singular. You have hope, Sisnil. That can make the pain so much worse.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled sadly. “Hope causes pain but it also keeps us going. The day I lose hope is the day…” He stopped himself there. “But that’s not something to think about now.” Sisnil looked at her with as serious of an expression as she’d ever seen on him. “I’m an ‘intelligence consultant’. One of these days, Starfleet will force me to do something against the Syndicate. Against the people I used to work for, and with.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia eyes, her mind, her heart were full of understanding. “Exactly.” The waiting and worrying was just as bad. Then they would force him to do things that would tear him apart. Possibly cause harm to people he cared for, people he was responsible for. That was no different in her mind. It would be couched in a ‘choice’ that was really no choice at all.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

There was a look Sisnil got, when he was forced to do something he didn’t want to, didn’t agree with, that Dradvia had yet to see. When she did, it would likely frighten her. He could be forced to harm people he knew, yes, but it was worse than that. In the process of doing something that would knowingly harm friends, contacts, he would also put himself high up on the Syndicate’s most wanted list. The price on his head would be so high, he’d never be safe.

~ Zoi

Dradvia was all to aware of what the Syndicate would do to him, but she also knew what they would do to Noril. And poor Vash. It would be worse. Even if she had been ordered by Noril and Sisnil to say nothing because the owned her, the Syndicate still required her absolute loyalty. The punishment for a disloyal slave was…only imaginable to those that experienced it.

Dradvia had had no hope of rescue. Sisnil did. It was never a formed thought or conscious, but he would have that hope even if she had to do it herself.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“If ever they come for me, we don’t know each other. We never talked, except for simple exchanges in the hall.” Sisnil looked at her, a dead serious look. “They may not realize who you are, but being close to me would get you in trouble.”

~ Zoi

Her whole body shuddered as sickening fear raced through her. “Okay.” Dradvia knew she would do what he wanted. A strong person would refuse, try to help him, stay loyal. But she was far too afraid of being taken again. “If…if they find me,” she stuttered to a stop, her body vibrating so violently her voice shook, “You have to tell them you were trying to return me. You… you can’t let them punish you over me.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil hugged her tightly. “I’m not giving you to them on my life,” he said, firmly. “Not voluntarily, anyway.” He looked down at her. “They’ll send their very best after me. For me, they’ll be sad the enforcer Jezem retired.”

~ Zoi

When his arms tightened around her there was a brief surge of panic, and then her head was resting on his shoulder, her hands bunched in his shirt. She didn’t know who Jezem was, but she had seen enforcers bring Lokhar the results of their work.

That couldn’t happen to Sisnil, she couldn’t stand it. He had to go back; he had to be safe. He had to be alive. She couldn’t stand it if he wasn’t.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Dradvia was… A little naive. Sisnil hugged her tightly. “Don’t worry yourself over that, okay? Let’s focus on what we have, not what might happen.”

~ Zoi

It wasn’t that she was nieve, but she had unrecognized feelings mixed with memories of severe trauma that made it difficult to process clearly. Focus on what she had? That was a joke. Dradvia had nothing. A job that made sense but that was all.

She made herself think of something else. It seemed to bother him that she worried and wanted a better outcome for him than she had. As for the worrying, Dradvia always worried. One of her counselors explained that she had undergone such severe trauma, that her mind and body stayed in constant survival mode. Even when she knew she was safe.

“Well, what shall we do instead?” Why had he come over? Her nightmare, right…

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil just didn’t want her worrying so much. It wasn’t good for her. He was still hugging her. Honestly, he felt nice… Comfortable. “I don’t know. I, um.... Well, you need sleep, don’t you?”

~ Zoi

“Ummm, No. I’m awake now. I don’t think I could fall back asleep.” She was not really thinking about resting against him being held. So she was comfortable and relaxed despite the worry. If she thought about it though she’d run. “I’m sure you need to though.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil wasn’t going to bring attention to it. “I’m fine,” he said softly. “Do you want me to stay?”

~ Zoi

Yes. Dradvia didn’t want him to leave. Having him there was reassuring, he kept the endless lonliness away. She didn’t say it. Like it would force her to face her feelings if she did. Instead she said, “You have to. Simon has disappeared.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil laughed. “Okay. I’m right here,” he said softly. “And so is Simon,” he chuckled as the kitten showed himself and pounced on her toes.

~ Zoi

Dradvia squeaked as she jumped and tottered causing Sisnil to have to support her or let them both fall.

“Ow! Simon that hurts. Ow. Owowow.” Dradvia was remi ded quite quickly she was barefoot and in her robe. She had more pressing things to worry about than being dressed foe bed. She had Simon’s needle sharp claws. Her toes curled and jerked away which only enticed Simon to play more.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil supported her to keep them from falling. Then he reached down and picked up Simon. “Hey! No toes.” He said gently, tickling the kitten’s belly. “That hurts.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia leaned against him as she balanced on one foot. She lifted her other doot and rubbed her toes to get rid of the sting. “Umbra doesn’t do that.” Yes Umbra was a hologram, but still. Dradvia. She sighed and looked down at Simon and pet him once. “I guess I need to use some replicator rations to get some heavy duty slippers.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil laughed. “Simon is young. He’ll learn.” He shrugged, “My toes could use a little.... Uh, filtration, I guess.”

~ Zoi

“You’ll need more than slippers. If he is attacking them in your sleep, you’ll need socks lined with tritanium armor.” She stood up straight and he was suddenly very very close.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil laughed. “I’ll live with my cut toes,” he said. She was close and he hugged her gently. “My feet like to breathe at night.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia lost her train of thought as he pulled her slightly closer as he hugged her. What did he say? Breathe? She wasn’t sure she remembered how. “Breathing is good.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil chuckled and smiled. “Yes, it is. So do it, why don’t you?” He asked playfully, patting her back gently.

~ Zoi

She stared at him looking puzzled. “Do what?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Breathe, Dee. For a moment there I thought you were gonna pass out.” Sisnil said. “And you’re the doctor here, so you can’t do that.”

~ Zoi

She wasn’t going to pass out. He was messing with her… her brain decided to start playing again rather than sit on pause. Her thoughts and idiotic responses sped through her brain at warp speed. He was flirting with her! And why not, the way she was leaned against him, letting him hold her. In her quarters in the middle of the night, again. She didn’t understand her behavior around him or her feelings. She felt overwhelmingly confused, scared, ashamed, and achingly empty and lonely. But she also felt comforted and exhilarated and secure too.

She was quietly but suddenly across the room. Holding her robe around herself like she was cold. She sat in one of the two work station chairs. What was even more shameful was what she had been day dreaming about. She shouldn’t wish for things she could never have, and most certainly not for feelings she could ever return. He was a telepath for Fashna’s sake. That wasn’t fair to him to sense … oh please don’t let him know that.

An aching grief tore at her like stakes pinning her to the bulk head and slowly ripping her apart.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil seemed to suddenly feel awkward too. How couldn’t he? He heard it all, and felt her conflict about it. And had his own conflict about it. How could he reassure her when he didn’t know what he should tell her? So instead, he sat down and pet Simon for a moment, letting Dradvia be.

~ Zoi

Dradvia didn’t know what to do or how to feel. She honestly wasn’t sure she was capable of feeling. Was it real feelings or just the wish that they could be there. It would be better for Sisnil if she stayed away, but she had promised. She wasn’t worried about protecting herself, she didn’t want to hurt him. Staying away would do that or…

She was aware of him playing with Simon. Watching him formed a hot not in her throat and a trickling burn behind her nose and eyes. Maybe he only came around because he felt responsible for her for some reason. He had said as much. Maybe he didn’t want to, but felt compelled to check on her. He didn’t have to, but knew it was futile to convince him otherwise.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“No, don’t even think that,” Sisnil said, looking up at her. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be, so cut that obligation crap right out.” Sisnil told her. “I like being with you.”

~ Zoi

It was an order, plain and simple. She looked down and away. If he didn’t like it, but that didn’t stop her mind, her heart from believing her own twisted thoughts. He could bark all the orders he wanted, but she couldn’t stop her thoughts and emotions.

“Why?” She asked just as he had earlier. “No one likes being with me or around me. I’m… incomplete, broken, unable to be repared. Unwilling to be a puppet. I’m alone.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Oh, well, I guess I’m no one.” Sisnil said. There was a bit of joke to his voice, but also a bit of hurt. “And I thought you’d miss me if something happens.”

~ Zoi

“I’ll miss you even if nothing happens.” It left her vulnerable to say it, but it was the truth. He was going to be gone, back to his family. She would miss him every day.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Then I’m not no one. So don’t tell yourself no one wants to be around you. It isn’t true.” Sisnil moved closer to her again, not wanting to make her uncomfortable.

~ Zoi

Just because she would miss him didn’t mean he wanted to be around her. It didn’t make the feelings reciprocal. He hadn’t answered her question. She accepted that and moved on. He didn’t want to answer, so she let it go. It wasn’t her place to question him anyway. “Okay.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I didn’t answer your question.” Sisnil pulled from her thoughts. “Why? Why is a hard question to answer. Why do you like me, Dee?” Sisnil shrugged, “I’m not sure why, honestly. I just do.”

~ Zoi

“Because you don’t lie. You don’t hide your intent behind a mask of fake trust and care. If you’re mean, you’re mean. If you are angry, it’s clear you are. You don’t search for answers to morbidly detailed parts of my past. You understand and don’t demand things I can’t explain or give. You know it’s just how I am. That’s why I like you.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled. He felt bad now. For someone who always seemed so conflicted she was able to answer clearly, with details. “Well.... I guess, your past is the most similar to mine as anyone on board. In a place full of people who… Let’s be honest, don’t really trust me, you do. They wouldn’t really understand.... You know, the rules. You do.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia nodded, but her head was still down, staring blankly toward the floor. “We understand the rules.” She waved her fingers toward the door, “they never can, and if they could they won’t. They are full of prejudice and lies of a promised utopia. Most of them have never had to make hard decisions, they have never lived even close to the world we do. And they are unwilling to try and truly imagine.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Worse, they deny it exists, they say there ‘must’ be things to help.” Sisnil shook his head. “They often don’t understand… The choices we made. As if we wanted to choose between crime or losing everything we cared about.”

~ Zoi

“They don’t want to understand.” Dradvia said it so quietly that he only heard her because he could hear her thoughts. “We don’t fit in here. There is no small corner that we can say ‘this is my place’. There never will be. It is less violent,” she shrugged, “So I guess that’s something. It’s impossible to really talk to anyone, you can’t make friends because you can never slip up and speak about what happened. They reject it and you, they want to distance themselves, so they do. They talk in whispers and fear about you, but they really don’t know what fear is.”

She picked at the seam of her robe, worrying the stitching loose. “I am glad they don’t but I hate them for it too. Especially the fake compassion and the obligatory pity. As if that erases… everything.” She sighed, twisting the fabric, “I guess that’s why I like you. I can say or act however I really feel. I don’t have to explain or try to hide it. Make it all rosy and fake fairy tales. You know they don’t exist.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil nodded. He took a deep breath. “The pity you receive… It is because of the nature of your relationship with the Syndicate. In their mind, I choose to continue to work for them. I receive no understanding.”

~ Zoi

“There is only one choice in the Syndicate: die horribly or do whatever they tell you so you wake up tomorrow. No one should be condemned for the choice to live. They try to say not every choice is that extreme, but it is. In the end, it always is.” She sighed sad and angry. “In some ways my existence, the nature of my relationship with the Syndicate is easier than yours. Most of the time the orders we were given didn’t affect strangers, people we didn’t know. They didn’t require us to hurt anyone but ourselves. We lost ourselves, but you,” she meant those in Sisnil’s position, “I imagine it tears at your soul.”

“I mean there were things like that for us, but usually it was against other slaves. To measure our obedience. Maybe it was different for others, but Lokhar was keeping us for himself.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

The look on Sisnil’s face was dark. “The things they make us do, Dee… You would never trust me again if I were honest with you. You learn to… rationalize.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia was quiet, there was a darkness swirling in her. Fear, anguish, despair, and many others. She didn’t want to know what he had had to do. What she could imagine was bad enough.

There was more though. Many of those feelings were turned inward on herself. “If you knew some of the things… if you knew the whole story, you wouldn’t trust me either.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil shrugged. “I would. It all comes down to why you did what you did.” He tapped his head and grinned, “And that I can sense sincerity.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia wanted to say it would be the same for her. In her rational mind she knew that would be true. She also knew she could not control what would trigger her. She would rather not know the details. Instead, she would rather know there were things she was unaware of and trust his why.

Their conversation was dark again, he didn’t like that she remembered. “Is there anything you can’t sense?” She meant it with humor, to try and lighten the mood.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled. “Not unless there’s some very robust mental defenses involved.” He said. “When Noril and I are together…” He shook his head. “Not much we can’t do.”

~ Zoi

Even though she was still looking at her robe, worrying the seam, he could see the hint of a grin at the corner of her mouth. “You make it sound like you two have super powers.”

She didn’t even register the thought before she opened her mouth and the words came out. “What’s it like? Having Noril? Never being alone, never at the mercy of having to face your thoughts and inner demons by yourself?” It wasn’t curiosity for the sake of being nosey, but an aching need to be able to imagine she had something so precious in her life.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil took a deep breath, as if focusing. In a moment, faintly, so he wouldn’t overwhelm her, Dradvia could feel everything Sisnil felt. He was projecting it for her, the way he did to calm her, but all of his emotions, his presence, all of it. He held back, if he gave it all to her full force he had no doubt it would be overwhelming. His thoughts, too. It took more effort to project thoughts to nontelepathic people, but it could be done. Like this, Dee.

~ Zoi

He didn’t speak, and Dradvia supposed it was difficult to explain to someone with no point of reference. She remembered he didn’t always want to talk about Noril. It hurt too much.

About the moment she decided to apologize she got this overwhelming… almost vertigo. Caution, control, strength, calculation, anger, care, affection, worry, lonliness. Then there were thoughts that weren’t hers. He was worried about overwhelming and scaring her.

She looked over at him, brows drawn down perplexed. Then she heard his voice, but his lips didn’t move. With the words came a feeling - like he was hugging her again. A sense of strength and safety even in chaos.

Slowly it seemed to fill every empty spot in her, to chase away the loneliness and isolation. Her eyes closed as a tear spilled over her lashes and down her cheek. She understood now, how devastating his lonliness was compared to hers. The utter destruction draped on him by the Federation.

It was the most profound gift anyone had ever given her. She would never forget the feeling. Sisnil?

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Yeah? Sisnil asked telepathically, still focusing to hold their ‘connection’.

~ Zoi

It was overwhelming, but not because he wasn’t careful or too much. It was overwhelming in a purely emotional self-aware way. Another tear raced down her cheek. Dradvia gathered the feeling closer to her. She would file it away to remember. Am I dreaming?

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

No, Dee. This is how it is to exist as a Betazoid. He took another deep breath. She felt an overwhelming sense of sorrow, sadness, and loneliness. With Noril, because we’re both Betazoids, we share everything this way, all the time.

~ Zoi

She hunched in on herself slightly as his feelings hollowed her out, but at the same time her lonliness was abated. The depth and strength of his sorrow pulled streams of tears from her. She could never share this with him. She could never stand in for Noril, even temporarily. She had never minded him listening to her. Kryssa had done it. She had said it helped.

Kryssa. Her heart shuddered and guilt and loss and shame crashed through her. Now, because of Sisnil, Dradvia truly understood what Kryssa had gone through. Unable to stop from feeling and hearing everything around her. Not just knowing, but it becoming her own feelings.

A soft anguished sob escaped for Kryssa and Sisnil. Noril too. He was suffering too. Impotent anger crashed and ebbed through her. I … wish I could do more to help.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

She felt a slight uncomfortableness from Sisnil, as he continued to share this with her. He just… Didn’t know how to respond. It’s okay, Dee. You do all you can. There was a small amount of regret. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you about Kryssa.

~ Zoi

She did something to make him uncomfortable, but she couldn’t tell what. She wanted to understand. It sparked a small flash of curiosity. Was that what he felt every time she reacted and pulled away? Did it confuse him or was he able to understand?

There was an immediate denial of his regret. No! No, it… I’m not. She didn’t know how to explain. Yes, understanding so clearly was painful, but there was a sense of release, a little bit of self-forgiveness with it as well. A lessening of the guilt.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil relaxed a little and smiled. It would be more enjoyable if it didn’t require so much effort. He smiled a little. I can understand why. He confirmed for her. Your.... sympathy can be uncomfortable because I just don’t know what to say. He explained patiently.

~ Zoi

“Oh.” Her voice sounded over loud and out of place in the room now. It startled Simon. Thinking to him was like the quietestwhisper. It was private. I’m sorry I make you uncomfortable. I don’t mean to. Her eyes were still closed as she brushed at her cheeks. You don’t have to say anything you know. I mean, I can’t stop how I feel or know how to stop you from feeling it, but I won’t mention it if you don’t.

Her head tipped to the side and her brow wrinkled. This is hard for you? It was half question half statement.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

I wouldn’t say hard exactly, but yeah, it takes effort. I’m projecting to you my thoughts and feelings. That’s an active task. Something I have to focus on. Sisnil explained.

~ Zoi

That made sense. She understood why Betazed was such a peaceful planet now. How this deep understanding of each other would lessen the amount of conflict.

This certainly wasn’t the way she had thought he would explain. She didn’t mind though, it was really wonderful. She understood Sisnil so much better now. She was also quite fascinated by it all. It was overwhelming, she had to concentrate to keep track of herself. She knew things about Sisnil now, but she didn’t really know how to identify them. It was also extremely intimate, but it didn’t frighten her. She recognized that and was surprised, curious, and delighted.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer