Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say

Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say

Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say
Posted by… suppressed (15) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
“Dee?” Sisnil asked, but she was gone. If she came looking for him later, it seemed as though he was nowhere to be found.

~ Zoi

Dradvia had gone back to her quarters and cried. She didn’t know what else to do. She was embarrassed by what he heard, by her admission (of what she wasn’t sure), and ashamed of her behavior and thoughts and confusion and inability to act normal. The more she thought about it the worse her panic attack became.

She did go to the lounge for dinner. She hoped he would be there, so she could at least apologize. She didn’t know how she would work up the nerve, but she had to. She’d promised.

But like earlier that day, he was nowhere to be found. She didn’t ask the computer, she gave him his privacy. He hadn’t been looking for her earlier anyway. That had been an accident. She went back to her quarters and cried until she fell asleep. Her dreams were horrendous and frightening.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Her dreams woke him again. Sisnil knocked on her door early in the morning. “Dee? You okay?”

~ Zoi

The knock startled her. He could feel the sudden burst of panic as she woke. Inside Dradvia stared at the door. She stood and wrapped a robe around herself. She walked to the door, clutching the robe closed. She pressed the control and let the door open. She stared at him, confused, dark circles, mussed hair. “Sisnil?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Sorry,” he apologized. “You were dreaming again.” He looked at her, “Though… Not sure if waking you was a help.” Then he broke into a little smile. “I brought Simon.”

~ Zoi

As he spoke, she had stepped back to let him enter. She didn’t think about that too much. “Oh, I’m sorry.” She’d woken him up again. She couldn’t stop herself from dreaming unless she stayed awake constantly. She glanced down at the cat, “Is he alright?” Did he get hurt or sick? Sisnil was smiling, so probably not. She needed to stop avoiding the awkwardness and just get it over with. She looked up at some point just above and past his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Sisnil, for how I acted yesterday.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil nodded, “He’s fine.” He stepped into the quarters and let the door close. “It’s fine. I’m not worried about it,” he said and smiled. “You’re an avoider, Dee. It’s how you are. I’d be stupid to expect it to change.”

~ Zoi

It sounded like an insult. It felt like an insult. Nothing suggested to her Sisnil meant it that way, though. Was she an avoider? She didn’t like dealing with things that made her uncomfortable or scared. She’d been forced to endure so much worse, that had been one of the first freedoms she’d claimed. Walking away from situations that didn’t feel safe. Had she taken that to extremes? It didn’t take much for her to realize that she had. At least in her personal life, not that she had a personal life really. Something else for her to worry over and try to figure out.

“Did Simon enjoy the program you made?” The cat was a safe topic, wasn’t it?

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil nodded. “He loves it. I think I might expand it, give him a little space that isn’t trees.” He didn’t say anything else, he wasn’t sure what to say without making her feel worse. “Uh, sorry.”

~ Zoi

She gave him a confused look, and ran a hand through her hair, messing it further. “For what?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“For making you feel insulted.” He said simply. “What I said… Clearly came out worse than I meant it.” Sisnil looked at her, “You’re not a slave anymore, Dee. You deserve apologies.”

~ Zoi

“Oh, yo… you di… did… you didn’t.” She stammered, embarrassed and shy. “Really. I… I didn’t think you meant it like that.” Oh gods she’d made him think he’d upset her. She stared down at her hands and her barefeet against the carpet. “You were being a good friend. I’m,” she shrugged awkwardly, more so than normal. “I’m just broken Sisnil. I try to hide how broken I am, but really I’m far more damaged than can be hidden. You didn’t insult me, I just…” that shrug again, “it just still really hurts sometimes to remember how bad I really am. That’s not your fault.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil gave her a look. “Broken? Bad?” He almost asked who made her think that, but the answer was obvious. “No, Dee, you’re not.” He said gently. “I can hear your mind, remember? There isn’t much that can be hid from me. And I don’t think you’re broken.”

~ Zoi

He was so sweet, so kind, she had no idea why he bothered with her. She didn’t smile; she just looked sad. “I am, Sisnil. I even have the scars to prove it. But the invisible ones here,” she tapped her head, “are worse. And there is nothing left here,” she tapped her chest over her heart, “but dust.”

Dradvia was a good person, she cared for others, but she wasn’t able to form connections with others anymore. Most people would agree that her attraction to Sisnil was a very poor decision. He was Syndicate and she was a runaway. She wasn’t afraid of him though.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Even Sisnil thought it was a bad idea. He liked her. And selfishly he let her like him. But one day he was going to have to send her away. Maybe it was better that he leaves at his first opportunity. To get away from her and rid her of the danger that was knowing him. He smiled. “Those scars aren’t invisible to me. And I don’t believe that,” he gestured to her chest, “for a second. Not one second.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia hadn’t acknowledged it consciously, but that was one of the things that left her so uncertain and confused. He was going to leave. He had to, and she understood that. She was already too attached. She was excited to see him, enjoyed his company, she felt safe for the first time in years. When he left he would take that with him, he would take the only friend she would have, and the dust of her heart.

He would leave, and she would never see or hear from him again. That was just the way it would be. No amount of self preservation could convince her to stay away from him. She glanced up at his face and away. “You’re kind to say so.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil shrugged. “I guess.” He said. “I’m just telling the truth.” Sisnil didn’t want to leave her, either. He didn’t know why. He’d turned in runaways before, he just… compartmentalized. Like turning an animal over to the butcher. But Dee… She was different for some reason. He hadn’t considered why. He didn’t know.

~ Zoi

They stood there silently, the awkwardness building, until it made Dradvia start to fidget. “I… I guess I woke you up again. I wish … I knew how to stop doing that.” Then all she could think about was how he’d stayed with her before.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m doing better than I was with sleep anyway. And you can’t really stop it either way. I’ve… Grown used? to your presence… It comforts me to be.. sort of synced? with it.” He made a face and sighed, “Why is explaining empathy so hard?”

~ Zoi

Dradvia shook her head, “I can’t ever understand, but it makes sense. I’m glad I can help.” She wished she had that way of knowing she was connected to someone. That she was never alone. She was so alone all the time, so lonely it made her scared. Especially when the nightmares came.

She changed the subject, so she wouldn’t cry. “How did Simon do his first night?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Spent most of it curled up against me. The early morning hours he decided he was done sleeping.” Sisnil gave the kitten a look. “Think I had trouble sleeping before I got a kitten?”

~ Zoi