Posted by Captain Eela Dasca (Lt. Governor) in Eela’s Apartment- Processing (TMODJ)

Posted by Civilian Karilan Massat (Owner, Quill and Parchment Books) in Eela’s Apartment- Processing (TMODJ)

Posted by Captain Eela Dasca (Lt. Governor) in Eela’s Apartment- Processing (TMODJ)
Posted by… suppressed (3) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Karilan came and took her hand. “Come… sit with me.” They half-led, half-guided Eela out onto the patio and set them down right next to each other on the small loveseat facing out towards the city. Karilan put an arm around Eela and wrapped a throw they had grabbed off the couch inside around her shoulders. “Come. Lean on me. I’ve got you. Do what you need to do darling Eela…”

Karilan

The blanket stilled the chill that swept over her but Karilan’s arm grounded her and gave her warmth too. All day she had bene either utterly emotionless or so overwhelmed that emotions were fickle. Nothing seemed tangible enough to hold on to. Now, in the quiet of her sanctuary of a patio garden she wasn’t sure what she was exactly feeling. It wasn’t numbness. Eela leaned against Karilan, her brace adding support so she didn’t bend her back. “I’m thinking about going to the hospital to see Dash. I know going to a morgue is odd and it’s not like I’m identifying a body, but… part of my body still feels him, Karilan,” she said, her breath catching as ears slipped over her cheeks. It’s convinced it’ll feel him again and I can’t live like that. I need my brain to make the connection that he’s gone. To feel that the body there is just a former shell. It’s not him.”

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.

Karilan was quiet for a long time and then said “I am not sure that is such a good idea Eela… but you know what you need more than anyone else. And if that is what you need, I will go with you. That isn’t something you should do alone.” They sighed deeply. “Keep in mind the part of your body that still feels him isn’t you, though.... it’s the remnant of the crystal. Caridee says that will fade. But again… I go where you go.” and they rested their head on Eela’s.

Karilan

Curled up against Karilan, Eela was torn. “I don’t know. I kept being reminded that I’m not in a place to make the best decisions right now, and while I want to be able to trust my instincts, I can’t help but second-guess everything. Maybe it’s best to just wait till tomorrow and see how I feel about it then.” It wasn’t like she had to decide anything now.

She tired to imagine what Dash would say to her in this moment, what he’s advise, but that only made her chest tighten. Before she knew it, her body was shaking and that sob of actual grief she hadn’t been able to touch finally let loose. She had many other feelings, but Eela let herself feel the profound sadness that had bene trapped in her body all day. And once the sobbing started, it was hard to stop it. Eela was not a loud crier usually- she often kept her emotions more contained around other because of her work. But all her controls were not only different these days since her accident, but she had no energy for them. Her desperate wail pulled on something deeper than even just the death of a man she cared for deeply. It was the culmination of so many deaths that she had borne witness to and could no longer hold on to.

And she just cried, long and hard, until her body was so worn out she could barely lift her head.

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.

Karilan didn’t speak… they didn’t need to. They simply held Eela close and let her cry. They rocked her gently, but stayed silent until she could feel Eela’s body drain of it’s energy. Only then did she say “It is time for sleep. Come, Love. I have you.” and they helped her to her feet and began moving her slowly into the apartment. “Guest room or your room? I cleaned up earlier.”

Karilan

Eela sucked in a breath as they crossed into the dining room, her movements strained. The emotional pain had eased to a dull ache for now, but her physical pain radiated from her body. Was it need or masochism that made her want to see the room again. “My room,” she said softly, the space drawing her like a magnet.

When they reached the open doorway, Eela took a step inside and took in all the details, right down to where Caridee had returned her canar to its usual spot. “It’s not just Dash, Karilan,” she whispered with a quiver. She turned to face them, hazel eyes awash with sorrow. “I’ve been trying to figure it out, but when everything came flooding back to me after the canar connection, it felt… familiar. I’ve been trying to figure out where from and then I remembered: there was an incident on one of my diplomatic missions. Long story short, I was in close enough proximity when a group of people on one side of the conflict I was trying to negotiate peace for took their own lives in a group suicide as a protest. And it destroyed me for months after. I’ll tell you more about it another time, but this thing with Dash, the intensity of that feeling also felt so similar in a way to that.” If she could have cried more tears, they surely would have come again.” She reached out and took Karilan’s hand, giving it a tired squeeze. “But I’m almost certain that when the Steadfast was destroyed, and probably because I was unconscious, I was subject to the deaths of my crew. At least those were fairly, but you know how life forces are. I was so attuned to my crew for fifteen years to suddenly have 231 of them suddenly gone feels like a gut-punch, even now. All this death. And then everything with Cory…” Eela shook her head, as if some form of clarity had washed over her in the last half an hour. “No wonder life has felt so terrifying to live. My body only knows death and pain and struggle these last years. Lan, I think that’s why Dash and I using the canar was so important and why it’s now so devastating to have still had that connection when he died.”

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.

Karilan looked at her for a long moment and then said “So… so with a computer that is having problems with conflicting code or a virus, you have to either wipe it and start over; or you can overwrite the code of the virus or the code you don’t need with a more robust program. Something that takes the majority of processing power to run. When you do that, the problematic code is deprioritized and then the system is able to make adjustments on it’s own and get everything straight. The brain is just a computer… could that work?” and the looked at the canar and said “Use that to overwrite all the bad with something better?”

Karilan