Posted by Lieutenant Tandra Mika (Counselor) in Starfleet Complex- Rewriting Narratives

Posted by Captain Eela Dasca (Lt. Governor) in Starfleet Complex- Rewriting Narratives

(snip)

Eela took a moment to gather her thoughts. “I’m a psychologist and trained therapist, and as a Haliian I’m an empath and touch telepath, so I’ve always been very self-aware and adept at separating my own thoughts and feelings from those of others. And being a starship captain I had a lot of confidence in my abilities. I was very good at it.” She paused and carefully blew the breath out through her lips. “But… ever since my accident, the brain injury had me learning emotional self-control all over again. I lost the ability to so easily decipher the things I picked up from others.” She held her hands tightly in her lap and a frown increasingly formed as she spoke. “Cory and I argued… a lot. I had a lot of difficulty containing my anger and it would explode in very unhelpful ways he didn’t have the ability to handle well. And we knew each other so well that we knew exactly how to say the right words to cut deeply. I was not innocent in any of this for sure, but… I realized in talking with my friend that there are thoughts in my head that seem unlike myself. Not mine. And it wasn’t until I sat down with her and she made me write them all out that I realized that not all of them, but most of them were things Cory had said to me during our arguments. Or maybe they were pithy throw away comments that stuck with me. I’ve internalized them. They’ve become the framework for who I see myself now. And they are not kind. And it bothers me because it paints the last years of our marriage in a different and even more negative light.” The words sat on her tongue but she couldn’t bring herself to say them.

~Eela Dasca. Lt. Gov.

Oh. Oops. Mika wouldn’t have offered a hand if she’d known that. That was okay though. She knew for next time. She had some experience working with empaths, mostly Betazoids. “I understand it can be difficult when you have trouble telling your own emotions and thoughts from those of others. How has it been going relearning that ability?”

“Frustrating,” Eela said with a bitter laugh. “I did a lot of work in those months after waking up from the coma processing what had happened to me, and trying to figure out the different ways my brain had re-wired itself to compensate for the injury. But I think the part that is hardest is that it makes me hesitant to connect with others now. Which is not me, not how I’ve ever been. I need connection, and I am letting it happen, but thee’s a part of me that distrusts it, especially now that I am a public figure that a lot of people have expectations of and want something from.”

“It’s very easy to internalize the things we hear, especially if we hear them more than once.” Mika smiled politely. “Even if they weren’t truly meant when they were said. It takes practice and conscious effort to change those ideas about ourselves. Positive self talk.” She had yet to ask about the divorce, she did not want to start there. It might also come out on its own while they spoke about the other things Eela had brought up. “If you are comfortable answering, what is the message that sticks with you the most?”

~ Lt Mika, CNS

Strangely, the one that floated to the surface of her mind wasn’t even on the list that Sharah had her write, though she could see aspects of it in the others. “That I’m heartless. Cruel. And because I get scared of my unpredictable reactions, it makes me hesitant to connect, to show how I feel about things, and people. I know it’s not true because me life since I set foot on this planet has demonstrated that it’s a false belief. Hell, when I made the list of thoughts, my friend made me write whether they were tru or not and I took it a step farther and reframed them with what I know to be true. But I can’t help but hear his words in my head, even now.” That last terrible fight, the one where Cory revealed himself to be a stranger to her after all these years. How had she missed it? How had things turned so badly so fast. It made her doubt everything.

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.