Posted by Commander Thraz sh’Kellirathras (First Officer/Chief of Security) in Side-Sim: When thoughts meet feelings

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Leah Hart (Nurse Practitioner/Counseling) in Side-Sim: When thoughts meet feelings

Posted by Commander Thraz sh’Kellirathras (First Officer/Chief of Security) in Side-Sim: When thoughts meet feelings
Posted by… suppressed (15) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Leah shook her head and kept her gaze on him, maintaining her focus and control. “I still need the boundaries right now and this isn’t about what you have known before, Zaril. This is about what you might need to cultivate going forward. So for the moment, I need you to trust me”-she shook their hands slightly, emphasizing the contact-“trust this and continue to repeat after me.”

“I can only control my own actions.”

~Leah Hart, NP

He repeated what she was saying, letting his emotions flow a little so she knew he was trying and not just playing along. “I can only control my own actions” he said again though that wasn’t exactly true with him, he could make them if he wanted but it was not the way he wanted to do things. It was splitting hairs really but it felt like he was lying to himself. Leah could quiet literally feel his mind wandering.

Lieutenant Junior Grade Zaril Dovek
Communication Officer U.S.S Sentinel

The resistance and doubt seeped the the edge and Leah deep a steadying breath trying to draw him back to the present. “Help me find the words that would make the statement more true for you but still you and not what others are doing.” She could give him words, but if they weren’t going to help, then there was more point. It was better for him to find and state his own truth.

~Leah Hart, NP

“I’m sorry. my mind is getting stuck on little details, I can control what people feel, that is the issue both for me, and for them” he said with a slight pause, “I don’t know the right framing. I get what’s implied so maybe that is good enough, Déjalo estar no?”

Lieutenant Junior Grade Zaril Dovek
Communication Officer U.S.S Sentinel

“Quizás si,” Leah replied. “I don’t want to ignore the influence you can have on others, Zaril. But it is important to remember that we are all sentient beings with free-will. Even if you were to exude influence, it would not be a constant thing. Just something to keep in mind as we go along.”

Giving their conjoined hands a shake, she took another steadying breath, clearing her mind to focus on him. “I am worthy of happiness and connection.”

~Leah Hart, NP
“I am worthy of happiness and connection.” that made sense to him, all people were that. It seemed right though and she could feel him settle into the feeling it brought, not a longing but and acceptance. He smiled warmly, “I like that” he said.

Lieutenant Junior Grade Zaril Dovek
Communication Officer U.S.S Sentinel

Leah smiled back and let her own appreciation be there in their connection. “So do I. It seems like such a simple thing, or to some can even be a little frivolous, but there are times we need reminders about the things we already know. Sometimes life blocks our remembering of these keys truths.”

She took a deep breath and gazed at Zaril, radiating trust. “Now, I would like you to state a truth that if not perfectly universal, could be true for most people.”

~Leah Hart, NP

He looked at her, it was an odd request. “I’m not sure I know what you mean, everyone is unique” he said not quite sure how to process what she was saying, because of who they are deltan’s felt how unique every being was, he could not think of something that would cover. “Most people want Love?” he said not really sure of himself.

Lieutenant Junior Grade Zaril Dovek
Communication Officer U.S.S Sentinel

She bobbed her head back and forth. “Close. Individual desires can come and go, and are a little less universal. How about ‘Most people have the capacity for love’? Does that sound and feel true?” Leah said. There were always going to be exceptions, but they weren’t concerned with those here.

~Leah Hart, NP

He gave a nod, “I can agree with that” he said saying it again her way. he sat looking at her holding hands, “Ummm” he said. “I’m not allowed to love fully” he said softly, “Not while I’m in Starfleet.”

Lieutenant Junior Grade Zaril Dovek
Communication Officer U.S.S Sentinel

Leah nodded and a small thread of sadness wove through her expression and emotions. “I know. And that is a difficult fact to reconcile sometimes. You’ve been forced to make a choice. You have chosen to serve Starfleet and the Federation at a cost to something personal. And regardless of how it might feel some days, it is a choice, Zaril. Have you thought about what circumstances might make you reconsider that choice?”

~Leah Hart, NP

He looked at her tears starting to flow, she could feel the emotion pushing at her. “I never thought it would be this hard, I feel trapped and alone” he said looking down at his hand. “If I want to stay in Starfleet then I have to remain celibate, I’m aloud to love but no one wants love without.” his thumbs nervously danced on the back of her hands as he trailed off.

Lieutenant Junior Grade Zaril Dovek
Communication Officer U.S.S Sentinel

Leah had to take a moment to still herself and let his emotions pass so they didn’t overwhelm her. In this precise moment she didn’t want to remove her hands, break the moment they were having. Instead, she shook her head. “No, actually, that’s not quite correct,” Leah said. “That is truly for many people, but not all. There are many kinds of sexual orientation and expression. Not everyone requires sex in order to feel fulfilled in a relationship. Is that as common? No. But it’s also not so rare that you won’t come scross those in your journey.”

She squeezed his hands and she shook them gently once. “Zaril, it’s like I’ve said before: sometimes you have to be open to things being a different way. If you fixate on what you can’t have and assume everyone will be incompatible, you’re going to miss out on those that might see your limitation not as a barrier, but a gift. You might be the one person they encounter who will accept them exactly as they are, without demanding more than they can give.”

~Leah Hart, NP

He looked at her his eyes eyes seemed to search past the surface of her, “Its not something I can explain, deltans, it’s a way of life” he said. “It’s like a giant part of me is missing, a basic need like eating that will never be filled, at least not while im in starfleet.” he shrugged. “I will endure, I just want you to know they pain of it, the longing it creates so that maybe someday starfleet will consider different options then drugs to solve the problem, I hate the way they make me feel” he noted.

Lieutenant Junior Grade Zaril Dovek
Communication Officer U.S.S Sentinel

She nodded. “Medicine is an ever evolving thing. Unfortunately what we have right now is the only option, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be better ones in the future. I’m never going to minimize what this is like for you, but nor can I know exactly what you experience. I am not you, and not of your culture.”

Leah felt like the exercise she had been conducting had reached it limit and slipped her hands out of his. But he kept her position leaned forward towards him, maintaining that closeness. She wasn’t pulling away, just shifting things.

“My concern at the moment is that in the process of enduring a form of pain, you won’t be able to envision a path forward. I want to help illuminate that path for you, but it’s important that you believe there is one there to find.”

~Leah Hart, NP

HE looked at her and smiled. “I know and I appreciate that, but this is some thing I think I just have to endure. I’ll try to make friends if I can, ” he said ” Will that make you happy?” he said looking at her, he liked her her feelings toward him were kind even if he did frustrate her at times.

Commander Thraz sh’Kellirathras,
Executive Officer, USS Sentinel

She shook her head. “It’s not about making me happy or appeasing me, Zaril. This is about your path forward. We have a start. You’ve made a connection. Perhaps for now you can focus on taking advantage of other opportunities to connect. I’m going to challenge you to step outside of the assumed norm in Deltan society. I want you to to try and find one time or place where you can let people know you are interested in their activity or even their conversation. I want you to insert yourself, just a little. See what happens. Remember that even if one person is uncomfortable, doesn’t mean everyone will be.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“I will try” it was clear that she did not truly understand his plight, it wasn’t for a lack of trying, it was a lack of comfort, it was the revulsion he felt the feeling were not just mental thought in his own mind about people not wanting him or him thinking they were uncomfortable, He was feeling that they were it would be like someone come up you and saying .I think you going to hurt me, and that you will use your skills to seduce me against my will. IT’s not bad self talk it’s others actually bad feelings towards him. He could manage. “I will try and approach a group” he noted.

Commander Thraz sh’Kellirathras,
Executive Officer, USS Sentinel

She gave him a reassuring smile. “It doesn’t have to be a group. It can even be one person or two. The point is to replicate the potential of the outcome you just had. You had a positive social experience that you were open to. Believe it or not, being social can be a skill that takes practice. It’s okay if you’re learning to find your own way of doing so in an environment where it doesn’t come naturally and there are obstacles. We sometimes just have to try, despite the doubts, and our fears.”

~Leah Hart, NP

He looked at her for a long moment. “okay” he said quietly . “I’ll try” though he was not sure it would make a difference. He stat there not really sure what to talk about after that, “May I go?” he asked.

Commander Thraz sh’Kellirathras,
Executive Officer, USS Sentinel

Leah nodded. “Sure,” she said softly. There were points where it just made sense to stop. You could only push down a certain path so far before the resistance became too overwhelming. In the end it wasn’t helpful to Zaril.

~Leah Hart, NP

“Thank you” he said standing, “I’ll see you again tomorrow?” he asked, he was not sure he knew what he was going to do to try to ingage but the would try to figure something out.

Commander Thraz sh’Kellirathras,
Executive Officer, USS Sentinel

She gave him a soft smile. “Of course.” Hopefully tomorrow she won’t be such a wreck and could function more professionally. Leah didn’t regret her little breakdown, and she was glad to have found a way to do so, but the circumstances were not ideal. All she knew for certain was that she had a lot of thinking to do.

~Leah Hart, NP