Posted by Lieutenant Kreed (Chief Medical Officer) in Fear and Grief

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Fear and Grief

Posted by Lieutenant Kreed (Chief Medical Officer) in Fear and Grief
Posted by… suppressed (85) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
It was one of his lab notebooks, definitely. But it was open to a page with what looked like a letter - or rather, multiple drafts of a letter. Each one started out similarly, with a few differences:

Miranda,

I love you so much I cannot bear to make you care for me any longer. You’ll be sad, but ultimately better off without me. There were a couple like that, with various wordings, down the page with a space between each draft. Then the next section:

It’s nothing to do with you, but I can’t keep going like this forever. I’m sorry to write you this way but if I were to tell you beforehand, you would have attempted to stop me.

The letter went on in such ways, with several different drafts with different wordings for each section. Finally, it ended with the same drafts of:

I’m sorry to leave you this way. It is no fault of yours, rather my own shortcomings.

Love you always. There were a few alternate closings to the same effect. It overall took up a few pages of the notebook. There were small wrinkled spots on some of the pages… tears.

~ Roman

Rand felt cold and couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t see much either through the tears. She had the absurd thought that she wasn’t the only accomplished actor. She knew he was sad, that he was depressed, but this…she never suspected this. She knew what she was supposed to do. That was abundantly clear. She wished Randy was here. He and Roman had finally created a rapport. He wasn’t and there was only one person she could tell. She didn’t know how to help him herself.

She closed her eyes briefly. He’d done this for her, she could do no less now. She wouldn’t do less. He would never forgive her, but as long as he was okay in the end that was all that mattered. She found her boots, slipped them on, grabbed Pipkin and put her in her cage. She went into the bathroom, twisted her hair quickly into a bun and splashed her face. She couldn’t breathe, but no one could know that. They would go find Roman, tell them she was sick. She tucked the notebook into her PaDD and slung it over her shoulder by the strap. She tried to breathe deeply and put a smile on her face. She was just a yeoman going about her duties. People were used to seeing her run from place to place. Now just to make it to sickbay without anyone from sciences seeing her.

She walked into sickbay and approached the nurse. “I need to see Lt. Kreed immediately.” He said she could talk to him, and she was going to do so. She bit the inside of her cheek to help keep her breath steady. She knew with his enhanced vision Kreed would know she was distressed, but for now, as far as the nurse knew, she was simply the CO’s yeoman with duties that needed to be completed.

Yeoman Rand

The nurse nodded and said “Just a second, Yeoman.” and she pressed a button. “Doctor, Yeoman Rand to see you.” “Send her in.” the CMO’s voice said. “He’s in his office.” she said and nodded towards the door.

“Thank you,” she hurried past the nurse and towards Kreed’s office. She stepped through when the door opened and let it close behind her.

The door slid open and Kreed was seated at his desk. His reptilian face looked up from a notebook as she entered and he said “Yeoman Rand, what can-” and he stopped short and said “What’s wrong?” as the door slid closed.

Kreed, CMO

Rand tried to take a breath but it was unsteady, and her hands shook as she took a notebook out of the compartment of her large bulky PaDD. She set it down in front of him, open to the drafted letters. “Help him.” Her voice was pleading, but it was all she could get out and keep her breath steady and not absolutely break down in sobs. It was difficult anyway, but added to the heightened anxiety from the meds it was impossible. Her eyes teared up again, but otherwise she forced herself to stand quietly.

Yeoman Rand

Kreed read the letters and then looked at Rand. “You did the right thing in coming to me. He is a very troubled individual… but we will do what we can to help him. But right now, Lieutenant… he is a risk to this ship.” Kreed reached over and pressed a button. [O] Chief Medical Officer to Captain Asam. Report to Sickbay immediately. [C] He then pressed another button and said [O] Medical to Security. Find Commander Alden and bring him to Sickbay immediately. [O] He looked at Rand and then added [O] We have a situation and need his expertise. [C] He vlosed the comms and said “Please… sit. And I am sure your anxiety is in heights you haven’t dealt with in some time. If you need it, we can give you a mild sedative. It won’t impact your cognitive abilities, but it will help ease any discomfort.”

Kreed, CMO

[O]On my way, Lt.[C] Came Asam’s crisp voice.

“I know…” It was duty to report anything that was a risk (that was everyone’s duty). She knew Roman would never risk the ship or crew, but he wasn’t okay, and wasn’t thinking clearly. Her heart rate spiked when he called security. What else could he do though? Roman would never come willingly. Kreed’s ‘explanation’ allowed her a slight relief. She sat, but only because he told her to. A sedative sounded ideal, but she shook her head. She couldn’t worry about herself right now.

Yeoman Rand

Rende entered sickbay, “Where is Lt Kreed?”

“His office, Captain,” the nurse at the desk replied. With a nod Rende moved to the door and knocked.

She entered and noticed her distraught Yeoman. “What’s wrong?” Her voice was filled with compassion. Rand looked like someone had died.

Adam, CO

Kreed simply slid the letters to Asam and said “I have contacted Security and directed them to escort the Commander here immediately. I am marking him as Unfit For Duty and remanding him to Medical custody immediately. I am formally requesting you restrict all access granted him as of right now. He is compromised, and he cannot be allowed to access critical systems Captain.”

Kreed, CMO

Rende listened and then read the letters. When she finished, she handed them back and nodded agreement. She sat down in another chair and took Rand’s hand. “It’s going to be alright. Everyone struggles from time to time. We’ll help him.”

Asam, CO

It was awful to have the captain see her so upset, so unprofessional. The woman was only compassionate though. She had been quiet during Kreed and Asam’s brief exchange. He had protocols too, but she finally worked up the nerve to speak. She looked at Kreed, her words coming slowly through near hyperventilation. “Please don’t … keep him … here … make it … worse … The Ar Ar Ardent,” she was shuttering but she kept going. “He he’s pho … pho bic. Why he s s skipped his phy physical.” She took a breath, “Stupid. He won’t … ask … help. Parents,” he would never forgive her, “a … abusive.” She was crying and couldn’t stop. Her chest hurt; she felt horrible, but that had to wait.

Yeoman Rand

Kreed nodded. “I understand.” he said.

Rende listened with patience and then squeezed the young woman’s hand. Things made sense now. Poor children.

Another couple of moments, and Roman was escorted into Sickbay by two Security officers, looking confused and concerned. “What situation? What’s wrong?” Asked the commander with a frown, looking to the nurse at the desk.

~ Roman

The Nurse, having seen the order Kreed set, said “Yes, Commander. One moment.” and buzzed Kreed’s office. In the office, Kreed glanced at the computer terminal and then looked at the Captain. “Please escort the Yeoman out and and to the right. Take her to the nearest biobed and draw the curtain. That will prevent the Commander from seeing her. Then ease return here.” He looked at Rand. “Now is not the time for you two to have an exchange, but I promise you will be allowed to speak to him soon.” and he stood up and walked out of the office towards the front of Sickbay.

“Of course,” Rende stood and drew Rand up with her. She put an arm around the younger woman’s shoulders and led her out and toward a bed.

Rand didn’t protest. She wanted to see him, but she wanted to avoid the confrontation she knew would come. She was surprised by the motherly concern the captain was showing for her. Rand went to the biobed as Kreed had ordered her to do, but she just wanted to leave, go back to her quarters and be alone. She wished Randy were here, he’d know what to do.

Rand

“It will be alright Rand. Remember that. It will be rough for awhile, but it will be alright.” She found a blanket it and set it over the girl and then drew the curtain.

Kreed approached the desk and stood in front of the Commander. “Commander. If you will please come to my office, I will explain.” He looked at the Security officers and said “Please wait here. Nurse Marx will brief you on the situation.” He nodded once at the nurse and then led Rowan to his office, taking care to avoid the biobed Rand was in.

When the two individuals also were inside the office, Kreed surreptitiously locked the door. “Please, Commander. Be seated. I will not keep you in Sickbay long as I k ow you have issues with being here.”

Rende returned, but the door was locked. She went to the nurse at the desk and asked her to quietly let Lt Kreed know that she had returned. Then she went and waited quietly by the door.

Asam, CO

Kreed looked at Alden and said “Commander, I will be blunt. I have relieved you of duty and remanded you to Medical custody.” As he spoke, he dropped a hand into his lap and readied a hypo with a strong sedative, just in case. He didn’t expect the Commander to become violent… but all things were possible. “Your trauma has left you in a state that makes you a risk to the ship and crew. I have conferred with the Captain, and she agrees. You are herby removed from all access to ship systems and duties. You will be assigned individual quarters and restricted to them. The only other options are the brig or here. You are placed under Suicide Watch, and will not be allowed any visitors without supervision. Once we can get you proper psychological and psychiatric assistance, a determination will be made as to your fitness and we will proceed from there. This is being done to protect you, Commander… Not punish you. Now… what questions do you have?”

Kreed, CMO

A great big pit of dread opened in his stomach, getting bigger with each of the lieutenant’s words. “What… Why?! I’ve been following your plan! I saw your psychologist! My next appointment with her is in two days, once she’s settled here!” He remained seated, he really wasn’t a violent man at all, but he was displaying quite obvious symptoms of the anxiety he refused to admit he had. Nearly hyperventilating, heart rate increasing, gripping the chairs arm rests. “What about Rand? She… She can visit, can’t she? Why can’t I remain in my own quarters, with her?” He looked up at Kreed, shaking his head. “It certainly feels like punishment. I don’t need nor want protection.”

~ Roman

“And the fact that you cannot or will not see that is a key issue… and one of the reasons you are at risk.” Kreed said calmly. “I appreciate the first steps you have taken… I do. But sometimes there are warning signs that things have progressed to a point that those steps are not enough to maintain our current state. This is one of those times. I do not wish to embarrass you, Commander. Nor do I wish for anything transpiring right now to be common knowledge with the crew so it doesn’t effect your ability to command if and when you are allowed to return to your position.” He fixed Alden with a stare. “I am sorry… but there is simply no other option available to us.” He pressed the door button to unlock the office and allow the Captain to enter.

Kreed, CMO

Rende stepped inside and sat down. She looked at Alden, he was clearly having trouble with the decision. “Cmdr Alden, Roman. I know this is not the path you would choose to take. I want to make it very clear, what is said in this room stays here. More importantly I want you to know I don’t believe this is a career ender. It is okay to struggle and to need help. I know you know that because you’ve been there for crew and supported them as a whole and individually. They have nothing but good things to say about you. They trust you as a leader. You’ve taken care of them, but now we are going to take care of you.”

Asam, CO

Of course he told the Captain. What a mess. If the point wasn’t to embarrass him, task failed. “What… What changed? What signs changed your mind? How is taking my work, taking everything away from me helping me?” He looked between them, borderline frantically, but trying to look calm.

~ Roman

“Because you use your work to hide from your problems.” Kreed said. “And what changed my mind is irrelevant right now. I have shared my concerns with the Captain, and I have already done what is necessary administratively. I will do my utmost to ensure that you get the help you need, Roman. And I will not mince words with you… I will always be honest. Right now, as you are, you are a risk to all of us on this ship and yourself. And if it is within my power to help you, I am going to. But in order to do that, you can’t be where you are… second-in-command of this vessel. When Ms. Hart arrives, you will work with her. She and I will then decide if you can get the help you need here… or if you will be transferred to a facility more suited to giving you the assistance you need.” He took a breathe and then leaned slightly towards Roman. “I will not give you false hope. If you do not get better… if you do not do what is needed to care for yourself and deal with your problems… your career absolutely will be over. But we are not at that point… yet. But it is rapidly approaching. And you are the only one who can change the course before you. This is your last opportunity. There will be no other chances. How your life progresses from this moment on is wholly up to you.”

Kreed, CMO

Roman, now calming enough to think more clearly, frowned. “Suicide watch? What on Earth gave you that idea? What impression have I given? Is that what all this is about?” He scoffed. “Absurd. Utterly and completely absurd.” He sighed then, “I want to stay here, if I have any say in such matters. I called Hart, several days ago.” It hadn’t been that helpful of a call so he hadn’t tried it again. “Where is Rand? Can I call her? She deserves to know about this.”

~ Roman

Kreed thought for a long moment and then sighed and said “Fine. Here.” He reached into the drawer and pulled out the letters. “This is what has you here. And Rand already knows. These letters scared her so much she came to me.”

Kreed, CMO

A spear of ice stabbed through him. That… That was his lab notebook. The one he’d… Oh, but he’d had to put it away so hastily last time… Rand must have seen it. It hadn’t been meant for her eyes. And then she… There was a flash of betrayal in his eyes. Betrayal and hurt. But he understood why she did it.... He sighed heavily and slouched in defeat. Something completely unheard of from him. “I… I see.”

~ Roman

Seeing the look in his eye and the defeat she now understood why Rand had sounded so conflicted. Rende was quiet for a moment. “When we are in command, it is hard to say that we don’t know the answer, we don’t know what decision is best, which path will lead forward and which will lead to disaster. It seems an insurmountable to say that we need help, when everyone is used to looking to us for guidance and strength.” Rende met his eyes, “That is why I have you and the senior staff, and you have me and them as well. And you have Rand. Out there,” she gestured to the other side of the door, “you may be unable to accept help, but in here you can.”

Asam, CO

“In here you must.” Kreed said firmly. “We want you… need you… to step into this next phase of your life.” He was silent a moment and then said “You can do this.”

Kreed, CMO

Roman didn’t feel he had much of a choice. He did not think ‘help’ would, well, help. But he didn’t want to leave the ship, so he had to at least pretend. He didn’t meet the Captain’s gaze. She was wrong. It wasn’t just the crew he could not admit it to, it was the captain herself he was hiding it from. Kreed had succeeded in gaining a small amount of his trust, at least.

He glanced at Kreed and then the floor, embarrassed and uncomfortable as he spoke, “I… meant what I wrote. Those drafts… They’re from just before Rand’s duty was restricted. I… Err… I…” He couldn’t make himself say anymore. His voice failed him. He studied the floor intently, still in his slouched, completely defeated posture. “I just don’t want to leave the ship. This is my ship. My crew. I can’t… just leave.” Not to mention how he felt about a psych or medical facility.

~ Roman

Rende could tell he wasn’t comfortable with her. They hadn’t had a lot of time to create a friendship. She could also tell how much loyalty he had to the crew. She glanced at Kreed. He was who Roman spoke to, directed his comments. This was a private medical matter, and she made Alden uneasy. She didn’t want to suggest leaving and Alden feel she was abandoning him. She didn’t want to stay and make him more uncomfortable either.

Asam, CO

Kreed shrugged slightly and said “That choice is no longer up to anyone in this room, Commander. But I want you to hear me right now. And I want you to internalize this. Every decision made from this point on will be made with your best interests at the core. Right now, you are unable to make those decisions. My job, Lieutenant Hart’s job, the Captain’s job… all of our jobs are about helping you be the best version of yourself you can be. Right now, you are hurt. We are going to tend to that injury as if it was a broken bone. We are going to do whatever we can to make sure the bone is mended and doesn’t cause you further issues going forward. That is it. We are not here to judge or criticize or condemn. We are here to help.”

Kreed, CMO

Except, to use Kreed’s metaphor, the broken bone was old, mended improperly. To fix it was to rebreak it first. It still very much didn’t feel like help. He felt a bit like a prisoner. Not meeting either of their gazes, Roman just shrugged halfheartedly. “What now, then? Obviously you will not allow me to go back to work. What am I to do? When I can I see Rand?” Yes, she’d brought this upon him, but he still couldn’t do it without her. He wanted to be angry, but she’d done what she thought was right. What he’d expect anyone else to do. How could he be angry about that?

~ Roman

“At this point, I am afraid I cannot allow you to see anyone except Medical personnel.” and he sighed slightly. “But I also know that isolating you will not help you. With the Captain’s permission. I will the Yeoman in here and you can have five minutes, supervised. After that, I will escort you to your temporary quarters and get you set up per regulations. Is that acceptable to you, Commander?”

Kreed, CMO

Rende nodded, “You have it, of course.” She never understood why people in mental distress were restricted in who they could see, but she wasn’t a psychologist. “I think it would be good to bring her in.”

Asam, CO

Roman looked up at the doctor at last. “What? Why not?” Five minutes? That wasn’t enough. Rand… She had to be so stressed right now. There was no point in arguing though. Kreed’s mind wouldn’t be changed. Roman sighed a deep sigh and shrugged. “It’s acceptable.”

~ Roman

Kreed nodded and said “Very well.” He stood and walked around the desk and stepped out into Sickbay. “Yeoman, you may come in. He’d like to see you.” Kreed said.

Kreed, CMO

Nurse Temple, one of the older nurses that had been on board for awhile, had been sitting with Rand. It felt like an eternity before Dr. Kreed came out. In that time her anxiety had gotten no better, and every possible worst case scenario had played through her mind. Temple knew all about her anxiety and sat with her. “See, you can go see him now.” She handed Rand a cloth to wipe her face.

The young Yeoman straightened herself up, and when she came from behind the curtain she looked concerned but calm and confident. Miranda might be an emotional mess, but Lt Rand was not. It was a part of her life line. If Roman knew how upset she was, he wouldn’t focus on himself. She looked at Kreed with worry as she passed him. Captain Asam had left and she took a seat in the chair beside him. “Roman?” She didn’t have to see him to know how he felt about her telling Kreed about the letters.

Yeoman Rand

Kreed followed her in and took a seat at his desk. As they began to speak, he began to type; seemingly ignoring them both.

“Miranda.” Roman leaned over and hugged her. “We get five minutes. Then they’re going to confine me to temporary quarters, by myself.” She looked okay. Concerned, but okay. But he could tell she was hiding her anxiety. He’d known her long enough to know when she was.

Rand hugged him tightly. “I love you,” she said quietly, uncomfortable with having an audience. By himself? Her eyes flicked to Kreed and back. She was sure he had his own protocols to follow. “Why?” He must not have wanted her to have to move. “I can stay in my yeoman’s quarters. They’re still mine. Won’t you be more comfortable somewhere familiar?” If he had to stay alone she didn’t mind moving. But if he was that depressed why were they isolating him?

“No, Miranda, no… You stay in our quarters.” Roman said softly also uncomfortable with the audience. “You still need to be comfortable. I’ll be fine.”

“I will be, I don’t mind. We are going to take care of you first.”

He looked like he was going to start crying but he wouldn’t let himself do that, not in front of Kreed. “Don’t worry, okay? I… I can’t do this without you. I love you.”

~ Roman

Kreed, CMO

“I’m allowed to worry; I love you.” Her voice was painfully quiet. Did Kreed have to be in here? She didn’t believe for one minute he wasn’t listening. She leaned back enough to look at him. “Chan eil thu nad aonar. Mhair sinn Kelmao, oidhirpean murt, a’ ruith bàta-rionnag gun CO airson faisg air bliadhna, agus a’ dannsadh air beulaibh a’ chriutha gu lèir. Gheibh sinn tro seo cuideachd.” She believed every word, but she was amazed her voice sounded steady and reassuring. Especially since her heart was racing painfully and her breath felt strained. She rested her forehead against his. “Tha gaol agam ort, Ròmanach.”

Rand

Roman wished he didn’t. But he wasn’t allowed to be unsupervised. He rested his head against hers, unable to stop the tears from beginning to roll down his face. Why? Why did you show him the notebook? He wanted to ask. But he didn’t have time. He didn’t want to stress her out more. “Tha mi’n dòchas gu bheil,” he said, his voice devoid of its usual life. Devoid of hope. “Tha gaol cho mòr agam ort, Miranda.” By his count, they were nearly out of time. “I wish you didn’t have to go. I don’t want to be alone.”

~ Roman

She wiped a tear from his face with her thumb. She knew him well enough to know what he was thinking. “Tha fios agam gu bheil thu troimh-chèile leam, ach cha b’ urrainn dhomh leigeil leat a dhèanamh. Tha gaol agam ort, Ròmanach. B’ e sin an aon dòigh anns an robh fios agam mar a chuidicheadh ​​​​mi.” She kissed his other cheek.

She was afraid to ask, to be seen as questioning Kreed or challenging him. She wasn’t at all. She could ask for Roman though. She wouldn’t want to be alone either. She sat up and looked at Kreed, “Can I stay with him when I’m not on duty?”

Rand

Kreed didn’t look up, but said “No, I’m afraid. He will be assigned quarters where he can be monitored at all times.” He continued typing for a few more long moments, and then turned and looked at them. “Yeoman, I am sorry but you need to excuse us now.” He pressed a button and the door slid open.

Kreed, CMO

Roman’s face fell and he hugged Rand one more time. “For how long? How long am I to be locked up by myself?” And how in all the space in the universe was this supposed to help him?

~ Roman

How was leaving him locked up alone supposed to help him get better? How was isolating him supposed to help him get past his depression? She understood being in a neutral space and monitored so he couldn’t hurt himself, but isolation wouldn’t stop him from feeling like he wanted to die.

Rand wasn’t brave enough to challenge Kreed. She wanted Roman to know she was certain of her choice to go to Kreed. She resolved that she would have to work up the nerve to ask her questions later. She wanted to stay, but she had been ordered out by a higher ranking officer and member of the senior staff. She hugged Roman tightly, “I love you. That won’t ever change. Dr. Kreed is going to help you get better.” Then she kissed him and made herself leave the office.

Rand

Kreed watched her leave and then closed the door. “Now then. Let me explain what is going to happen next, why things will proceed how they will, and what milestones have to be reached to start you on your road back.” He turned the computer terminal around so Roman could see, and Kreed moved around d the desk to sit next to him.

On the screen was list of steps. Each step was color coded into either red, yellow, blue or green. “The colors represent importance.” Kreed began. “Red lines are things that must happen, there is no exception or room for adjustment. These steps are defined by regulation, policy, or medical best practices. Yellow are things that must be done before you can be released from Medical Custody, but there is… how do you humans say… ah yes… ‘wiggle room’ in how and when we do them. Blue steps are the things that we should do, but if we don’t it shouldn’t impact your career. Green are things that will put you back on duty directly. If you notice, those are almost all at the end of the list. So… first and foremost is you are placed on Suicide Watch until such a time as you can be assessed and examined by a mental health professional. That is Star Fleet regulation; we cannot go around it. During this time you will not be alone, but you will also have no contact with anyone who could provide you, knowingly or not, with the means with which you could self-harm. Logistically, that means you will be in a room with a member of the medical staff and a Security officer at all times. You will be issued clothes and slippers, and will not be allowed out of the room except to attend medical appointments. All your meals will be scanned and all waste accounted for. No writing utensils, no stylus for PaDDs… you just get to sit, Commander. You are free to converse with those watching over you. Any attempts to self-harm or escape will result in your placement in the Brig for your own safety and that of the crew.” He reached over and patted the journal. “This. This is why we have to do this. I do not relish it. But the words you wrote crossed a threshold of what can be tolerated. I do not think you are a threat to the ship or crew, Commander. But I simply have to follow the regulations. Any questions so far?”

Kreed. CMO

Roman scanned over the steps briefly, but then stared at the screen without focusing on any of the words on it. He might as well be a prisoner. He glanced at the journal as the Saurian patted it and silently wished he could burn it. “No.” He responded, voice empty and hollow. His appointment with Hart was in two days but she’d be on board before that. Did it matter, though? He felt like it wouldn’t. ‘Help’ seemed to make things worse. This whole process was torture to him, between medical appointments, his separation from Rand, and all the psych garbage.

~ Roman

Kreed looked at him for a moment and then scrolled down the list (it was a long list) until he came to a line in yellow. “Here. This line will be of great importance to you.” and he tapped a sharp nail on the screen. There, in black letters highlighted by yellow, were the words “Meaningful and productive engagement with the recovery and treatment process.” Kreed looked at Roman and said “Keep that in mind. Because Ms. Hart and I definitely will.” He leaned back and looked at Roman for a long moment. Then he just shook his head. “You confuse me, Mr. Alden. Here you have multiple people struggling and trying to help you… jumping through hoops and taking great pains to assist you… and you are just content to sit and let them and do nothing for yourself. So be it.” and he stood up. He pressed a button and said “I will come see you in a few hours. Good luck, Mr. Alden. If I can be of assistance at anytime, please call. Although I doubt you will.” A Security officer and a Nurse arrived at that point and the Nurse said “Commander, please follow us.” and gestured out of the office.

Kreed, CO

Roman shot Kreed a confused glance, genuinely not understanding what he meant. He followed the nurse and the security officer to the temporary quarters. It was a barren room, stripped down of anything he might be able to subtly use to hurt himself. Once there, he plopped onto the bed, curled up, and refused to move.

~ Roman

The Nurse looked at the (temporarily?) former XO and made a note on their PaDD and then looked the notepad away in a small locker. She then looked at the Security officer and shrugged. “You play cards?” she asked, and soon a game of Gin Rummy had begun quietly at the small table.

Suicide Watch

In the next few hours that his babysitters played cards the XO didn’t move. How could he face them? They knew about all this. No… It was easier just to lie here. Lie here and wait… wait for what felt like nothing.

~ Roman

The door slid open and Kreed walked in. He looked at the two individuals and the nurse simply shook her head. She unlocked the cabinet, took out the note pad and handed it to Kreed. Kreed reviewed the notes and sighed softly. “You are relieved.” and they pair left. Kreed took a seat at the table and looked at Alden. Well, he looked at Alden’s back. He waited a few minutes in silence and then said “Get up, Alden. Come and sit.”

Kreed, CMO

There was no reaction from him as the nurse gave Kreed the notepad and then was relieved. Roman obeyed Kreed’s order, if only to keep from being in worse trouble. Wordlessly, he stood and sat at the table across from Kreed and then looked at the doctor.

~ Roman

Kreed sat and looked at Alden for minutes without speaking. Just staring at him. Finally, he took a breath and said “What is all of this, then?” he asked as he pointed at Alden in a circular motion for a moment before dropping his hand back in his lap. “Giving up? Or pouting because you aren’t allowed to threaten yourself and then just carry on like it is nothing? I am not criticizing… just curious as to why you have chosen the path of a toddler.”

Kreed, CMO

Alden was not the kind easily riled up by elementary insults. “Tossing insults about and then claiming they aren’t meant to critisize doesn’t change that the only thing insults do is critisize.” He said, giving Kreed one of his old, icy looks. “Rand talked me into calling Hart for help, shortly after her first call with me.” He shrugged, “It wasn’t helpful. So I didn’t ask again.” He leaned back in the chair, “So I suppose out of those options, you could call this giving up.” Besides, that notebook hadn’t been meant for the eyes of others. It wasn’t like he was going around ‘threatening himself’.

~ Roman

Kreed looked at him a moment, head tilted to the side, and he blinked both sets of eyelids. “Insults? I was unaware I was insulting you. Many species revert to toddler or even infant behaviors when they feel overwhelmed. You came in, fell onto the bed, turned your back to your caretakers and refused to engage with them for several hours. When the door opened and I came in, you refused to move or even give the professional and adult courtesy of acknowledging my arrival. That is, in my experience, human toddler-like behavior. Sulking. Pouting. Not engaging in meaningful dialogue. All of this is akin to a human ‘temper-tantrum’, is it not?”

Kreed, CMO

Roman shrugged. “I’m not much on children.” He looked up at Kreed again. It was quite obvious he had cried while curled up on the bed. Not that he’d admit it. “I’m not entirely sure what ‘meaningful dialogue’ you’re expecting me to have.”

~ Roman

Kreed shrugged. “I am not expecting anything. If I did, that would not allow you to make your own journey.” Kreed leaned forward. “I cannot guide you through this, Roman. I can- and will- support you, though. But the steps have to come from you. The work. The drive to push forward… to deal with all of this… that has to come from you. Nurse Hart and myself can help you with tools. We can provide structure and framework and support when you need it… but so far you have refused all of that. You don’t accept that you ‘need’ anything. You have never asked for help, you have had help forced upon you because you need it.” Kreed leaned back and kept his black eyes on Roman. “And yet you admit that if a crew member did this, behaved this way… did these actions… you would do exactly as we have done with you. But for you… thats wrong. It’s ‘uncessary’. And I don’t understand where you decided that there are one set of standards for you and one for everyone else.”

Kreed, CMO

“But I did ask,” Roman argued, “I chose to call Lieutenant Hart. I wasn’t expecting a miracle, I know these things do not solve themselves overnight. I was… I suppose expecting it to help? A little? Make me feel a tiny bit better? But it didn’t. The nurse merely assigned me the homework of writing my feelings down when I play my violin and then hung up.” He shrugged then, “but it didn’t. So I stopped trying.”

~ Roman

Kreed did something he rarely did… he laughed. It came out as a kind of rough hiss, but laugh he did. “So… you were given a task by an expert. Told what to do, and when you didn’t get the immediate results you wanted… you quit.” He shook his head and then looked at Roman. “Do you quit when an experiment doesn’t work the very first time? Do you quit when the first course of action you take as XO doesn’t work? When you are reading a book, do you stop at the first page when it isn’t exactly what you want? Did you pick up the violin and just know how to play?” and he hissed-laughed again. “Of course you didn’t! That would be an asinine expectation! You kept trying until you learned the process.” He leaned forward again and said “So… why didn’t you do that with your therapy?”

Kreed, CMO

“You know as well as I do I didn’t want to try it, didn’t expect much of it in the first place. I gave it a go. I said I needed to talk.” Which for him was quite surprising and impressive. “And that is not what happened. It was so unhelpful, I felt worse.” It was, in fact, part of the reason for his writing the drafts that landed him here. He was unaware Rand had told Kreed about his parents. That Kreed at least knew Roman’s parents were the reason he had so much trouble asking for help or believing in the usefulness of help. “As I said, I did not expect immediately perfect results… I merely expected something… helpful.”

~ Roman

“And when you did not get that… after one not even full session… you quit. And of course you felt worse. You are opening old wounds and dealing with pain you have been repressing for who knows how long.” Kreed looked at him blankly for a few moments and then just sighed. “Very well. If that is the way it is to be, I will do as you do. I will follow your example. As I expected you to participate in your own care, but did not see that and you did not meet my expectations, that means I am free to quit on you then. I will cancel Nurse Hart’s orders right away. i am sure she will be upset, but such is the nature of things, is it not? I appreciate your lesson. Indeed. Understood. Good luck. I wish you well in your next career.” and he stood up and walked to the door, taking the notepad and writing something as the door slid open and he stepped through. He waited a moment, and then a Security officer and another nurse appeared in the passage. Kreed looked back at Alden and then to the nurse. “I think we are done here. You may return to Sickbay, Ensign.” He then looked at the Security officer. “Post outside, Ensign. If the passenger needs anything, please try and assist in making their trip as comfortable as possible.” Kreed looked back and said “Goodbye, Mr. Alden. I do wish this had ended differently. Take care.” and he turned and walked away, and the door slid closed.

Kreed, CMO

Roman stood and slammed a fist into the table, a much more overtly angry gesture than he was known for. “Lieutenant Kreed, I am trying, damnit!” He shouted as the Saurian turned to leave. He took a deep breath and sat back down. “I have said, and repeated myself, and I do not like repeating myself. I have talked to you, but you do not listen!” He returned his voice to its usual icy calmness that indicated his anger without being so pointlessly loud. “All you have done is quit on me.” He said, voice now level but tight and angry. “All you have done is make me feel worse, like an inconvenience. If your goal is to make me want to do what I wrote less, you are failing. Lieutenant Kreed, you are an excellent doctor. Your record shows that quite clearly. But for someone like myself, in my situation, you lack compassion. And without that, you cannot be a truly great doctor.”

~ Roman

The door slid open and Kreed came back in. He very calmly set the notepad on the bed and then turned and looked down at Alden, arms folded on his chest. “Mr. Alden… I have done everything I can do for you. I have spoken ad naseum with you. I have offered help. You refused. I mandated help. You half-tried once and quit. I pulled specific resources aboard after my very first interaction with you, and you were flippant and non-commital… going so far as to hide from me for days on end. I used a good number of favors to bring one of the best psychological minds I have ever met to come here, away from all she has ever known, just to try and help you. And you have the sheer unmitigated audacity to tell me that ‘all I do is quit on you’? I have quite literally done all that I can do… and more… to help you. I have dedicated more time to you than I have to the rest of this entire crew!”

Kreed uncrossed his arms and leaned onto the table, glaring at Alden. “And I am a great doctor, you selfish prick. Any other doctor in my position would have thrown you away the second you said you didn’t need help and it was obvious you were in crisis. Or they would have ignored your needs like your previous doctors on this ship.” He stood up and looked down again. “You are going to feel worse, Mr. Alden. It is part of the journey you are now on. You spent so long not allowing yourself to feel and deal with the pain you had, that pain has grown in magnitude. Because that is what pain does, Mr. Alden. If you don’t deal with it.... it just gets worse. So yes, you are going to feel much worse before you can feel better.” He picked up the notepad and then said “Believe me. I know of what I speak.”

Kreed, CMO

“Can you make it… not do that?” The commander said, sighing softly. “How much worse could I possibly feel? I’m on antidepressants. They just aren’t working like they were before.” He looked up at Kreed, questioningly. “You know…? Because of the event in your files?” He seemed unaffected. He spoke of it freely. Roman didn’t understand.

~ Roman

Kreed sighed a bit and sat down. “If I could make it not, I would. But I cannot. As to how much worse… I will be honest. It will be much worse. But then, it will be a little less. And then a little more. And yes, because of the Taliskar.” Kreed took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “At some point in the future, you will feel better. But between there and this point right now, there is a lot of hurt. And it is important that you let yourself experience it. Because that is the only way to get to the point where you will feel better.” He thought for a moment and then said “You know, I can change your medication if you feel it’s not working anymore. Do you take them as you are supposed to?”

Kreed, CMO

Roman nodded, “Doctor Elbbirt, my physician before you, compromised with me and synthesized a tablet form of my medications rather than attempting to force me to use a self administer hypo.” He sighed and looked at Kreed. “I can’t even… mention it. The name of my ship. Any of it. I can’t.”

~ Roman

Kreed shook his head. “Pills… how very five hundred years ago.” He thought for a moment and then said “A patch. Adhesive, semi permanent. Timed release of a suitable anti-anxiety medication directly into your bloodstream. Now, many doctors are still stuck in the mindset of ‘anti-anxiety medications are just a form of antidepressant ‘, but that really isn’t true. It was up until the mid twenty-second century; but modern medicine has strong delineations between the two.” He paused and then said “I can go and prepare that for you, if you like. It would probably help.”

Kreed, CMO

A patch didn’t sound that bad. Then he wouldn’t even have to think about it. “Okay.” He said, with a bit of hesitation. He thought another moment. “Okay,” he said again. Maybe it would help. “Wait. Which anti-anxiety med? Will it do what it’s done to Rand?” He didn’t much want Kreed to go, either, but as the doctor had said earlier, he’d already spent a lot of time on Roman.

~ Roman

Kreed shook his head. “Rand’s medication didn’t ‘do’ anything to her. She is simply waiting for it to build up in her system. She will feel just fine in another day or so. You, on the other hand, do have an anxiety disorder. You have PTSD. That is a wholly different issue, and is treated as such. Your medication will be much stronger. And I will give you a hypo for emergency panic attacks. I know you have an aversion to Medical. But with your new medication I think you will be able to entertain the idea a little better. If not, we will find another way. I will be back in a few minutes… okay?” he asked. He stood up and said “Unless you want to come to sickbay with me?”

Kreed, CMO

His mind still rejected those words used to describe himself. He wanted to go. Anything was better than this stupid, boring, lonely room. But the idea of Sickbay made his breath quicken, his pulse speed up. The mere thought of it made him that nervous. “I… yeah…” He said, his voice trailing off. He couldn’t do this. He sighed. “Maybe I’ll wait here.”

~ Roman

Kreed nodded. “I understand. Truly.” he said somewhat softly. He stood and said “I will be back shortly. Can I bring you something? Some tea, perhaps? I have a Saurian tea you might enjoy.”

Kreed, CMO

Roman nodded. He missed his usual black tea. Rand always made it the way he liked it. “Yes, please. I drink tea every day.” He sunk back down and rested his head on the table.

~ Roman

“I’ll be back in a moment.” Kreed said and stepped outside. The Security officer and Nurse came in and took a seat. They didn’t talk to Alden, but the Nurse made a few nots and then the pair made small talk. A few minutes later, the door slid open and Kreed came in with a tray from the galley. The two attendants stood and stepped into the hall and the door slid closed.

“Alright. First is the patch. Take off your shirt, please.” Kreed said and he picked up a flat, plastic covered item.

“This is your new anti-anxiety medication. You will more than likely feel it it start to work as a sense of fatigue, but that will pass in a few hours. After that, I doubt you will feel much different but you should feel less… defensive. It should make talking easier. Not easy… but easy-er. That will help once Lieutenant Hart arrives, which should be in the next day or so. Ready?” and he peeled off the plastic cover of the patch revealing a transparent, moist looking rectangle.

Kreed, CMO

Roman lifted and then pulled off the boring shirt they’d assigned him. He was very fit, a product of his regular practicing of martial arts. Along his upper body were several scars: a small burn near his right shoulder, the scar from the heart surgery that saved his life, down the middle of his chest, and a phaser injury, just under his ribs on his right near his side. The heart surgery and the phaser injury were just over a year old, the burn was older. He nodded. “Ready.”

~ Roman

Kreed lifted his right arm and said “Hold still.” and placed the rectangle against his skin just below his armpit. He held it there for a moment before wiping away the excess moisture from the outside. “There. You can put your shirt back on.” and he gathered up the now empty cover and set it back on the tray. He then picked up a black ceramic tea pot and poured a bright yellow, almost golden, liquid into two cups with no handles. He set one cup before Roman, one before himself, and then said “It will hit your bloodstream in a matter of minutes, but it will take about half an hour for you to feel anything. If the patch becomes itchy or if it changes from transparent to opaque, contact me immediately. Nothing to worry about, it simply means that the medication isn’t being absorbed.” He raised the cup to Alden and said “Cheers.”

The tea was different in many ways to typical Earth tea, but similar in others. It was herbal, like Roman’s black tea, but it had a kind of subtle heat to it. Not overpowering or dominating, but present. The heat gave way to a menthol-like sensation which paired very well with the hint of citrus flavor. It was then that a sweetness was tasted, not unlike sugar, but just enough to enhance the flavor. All in all it was quite pleasant, at least to all the people Kreed had shared it with in the past.

Kreed, CMO

Roman flinched away from the Saurian’s touch, ever so slightly. It was done in a moment though, applied and the uncomfortable wetness wiped away. He pulled the shirt back over his head and put it back on. He moved his arms about, testing how the patch felt against his skin.

Then he picked up the cup of tea and sipped it. No replacement for his usual, but very good. He sipped a little more before setting the cup down. “It’s good. Thank you.”

~ Roman

“You are welcome.” Kreed said. He was silent for a bit and then said “I am going to stay for a bit to make sure there are no negative reactions to the medication. We can talk if you like, but you are not required to.” Kreed sipped his tea and simply looked at Alden.

Kreed, CMO

“You would prefer if I did, I presume.” Roman said, looking back at him as he sipped his own tea. “There isn’t much to talk about in here. Blank walls and nothing but a bed and a bathroom.”

~ Roman

“Decor does not dictate discourse.” Kreed said and took a drink. “And what I prefer is not really relevant at this juncture. We are where we are. We can make the most of it… or we can simply enjoy our tea. I am quite comfortable with either.”

Kreed, CMO

“What sort of talk are you looking for? What is making the most of it, then?” Roman asked. He took a drink of tea. He was, emotionally, an idiot. He really didn’t know at all. He was terrible at talking about things that mattered.

~ Roman

Kreed thought for a moment and then said “Making the most of it would be discussing the things that concern you. The things you feel. The things that scare you. Or… making the most of it could be just trying to become comfortable with talking to someone. About anything, really. Conversation is like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the more efficient and strong it becomes.”

Kreed, CMO

“Hmm.” Roman was silent for a while as he thought, drinking from his tea occasionally. “I was never much the casual conversation type. Not even before… everything.” He said with a shrug. His friend had been the outgoing one… But if he thought about that, he was going to cry. He pushed it away.

~ Roman

“Really? Why not? I would think that as both a scientist and command officer, conversation would be a necessary skill to have. Would it not?” Kreed asked and sipped his tea.

Kreed, CMO

“As a scientist, one must only share information, sometimes teach.” Roman replied. “As first officer, sure, but non personal small talk suffices and still serves to make me seem approachable. Talk to anyone on board, they have no problem coming to me.”

~ Roman

Kreed looked at him with slight confusion. “As a scientist you only share information? Teach? You never debate or discuss different perspectives? Different results? You make a finding and that is all there is to it? I find that somewhat hard to believe. At least, in medical science settings, it is not anywhere close to that.”

Kreed, CMO

Roman tipped his head. “I suppose I don’t think of that as conversation. That is a must in science. Though my field, xenozoology and xenobiology, most of my work is around observations of nature.”

~ Roman

“So what do you consider ‘conversation’ then, I wonder?” Kreed mused. “I think conversation is a delicate balance between the needed exchange of information… and the inherent desire of living things to connect on a primal level. I said that once in a lecture at the Vulcan Science Academy. It was surprisingly well received afterwards.”

Kreed, CMO

“Depends on the type. To exchange information or debate findings is one thing. To discuss personal matters or make small talk is quite another.” Roman replied. “You spoke about conversation on Vulcan? I thought you weren’t a counselor.”

~ Roman

“I am not.” Kreed replied after he took a drink of tea. “I am a medical doctor. But part of any doctor - patient dynamic is conversation and communication. We can only be as good as the information our patients give us. If a patient comes in and tells me they feel sick, I will approach that from one perspective. If, however, they tell me they feel sick because they ate three day old oyters, that is another matter altogether.”

Kreed, CMO

Roman shrugged. “I never saw a point in going in for something I could solve myself. It’s a waste of time.” He looked at Kreed as he finished his tea, “Isn’t it your job to ask if there’s any reason one might feel sick… Like three days old oysters?”

~ Roman

Kreed shrugged and nodded. “In part, yes. But… if I establish from the beginning of my interaction with a patient my need for complete information; then the patient understands and can save themselves time and discomfort by telling me about the oysters right away.” Kreed finished his own tea and then picked up the pot, gesturing to Alden to ask if he would like more.

The Commander nodded and offered his cup.

“But in order for the patient to be comfortable telling me about the oysters,-” Kreed continued, “- they have to know that I won’t judge them for doing something questionable… like eating days-old shellfish. If I, the doctor, set the tone from the beginning that I am there to help and not to critisize; then the patient will be more comfortable giving me the I formation I need to treat them more effectively… and efficiently.”

Kreed, CMO

Roman nodded. “You can’t account for patients leaving out information they seem irrelevant. Perhaps your patient doesn’t know it’s not good to eat three day old oysters.” He commented. He seemed more like his usual self. Calm, collected, relaxed, focused.

~ Roman