Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Kastarak (Doctor / Counsellor) in Lt. Dawson Therapy Session [Tag Lt. Kastarak]

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Quentin “Q” Dawson (Chief Weapons Officer) in Lt. Dawson Therapy Session [Tag Lt. Kastarak]

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Kastarak (Doctor / Counsellor) in Lt. Dawson Therapy Session [Tag Lt. Kastarak]
Posted by… suppressed (17) by the Post Ghost! 👻
Dawson headed out of the turbo lift and made his way to Kastarak’s office. He hadn’t been there since his arrival on the Chernov for his psych eval. He was glad that his relationship with Kastarak had grown since then, as he hadn’t really started on the right foot with the Vulcan. But since then, they’d sparred, had meals and been on away teams together. He had started to open up to him and was getting Kas to open back up in return.

When he reached the door to the counselor’s office, he paused a moment noticing the fingers on his right hand were jittering. Q swallowed, thinking better get that under control before taking a deep breath and forcing his fingers to remain still. He knew that it was alright to be nervous. Expected even, given the captain’s news about Clarissa. And yet, he still couldn’t fight his upbringing, the strict control he was expected to have over his emotions. They called it control, but it was really suppression. He knew it was unhealthy and that he shouldn’t fight it, but he couldn’t always stop himself.

His fingers still, his body back under control, he rang the door chime. The mind commands the body and it obeys. The mind orders itself and meets resistance. Dawson knew all too well how true that was.

Lt. Q Dawson

Kastarak had just finished a difficult session over distance – it was a crewman on the Chernov who had relationship problems back home, and the three of them met over a type of video call. It was clear the parties suffered from the separation from one another, but, at the same time, they both appeared unwilling to actually try see matters from the point of view of the other.

After finishing up his notes, Kastarak indicated in the schedule that he was now available for drop-in sessions. Moments later, the door chimed, and there was Mr Dawson.

“Hello, Mr Dawson,” Kastarak said, “please, come in.”

He was not sure why Dawson had come – perhaps Dawson wished to small-talk, or perhaps he wished something else. In any case, Kastarak did not wish to presume anything, but invited the guest in.

Kastarak sought to remember the psych eval with Dawson, and what had transpired there. Dawson’s sister had died, and her death had been a defining event for Dawson, and it affected his relationship with his parents. Dawson had been in therapy for over a decade due to this trauma and how it had nested itself into the many parts of his life and functioning. When Dawson came to the ship, he was at more peace than before, but he still had “his days” (as it were), and a sensitivity to emotion, beyond that of the average human. So what did bring Dawson in here today?

Kastarak gestured to the armchairs by the windows, inviting Dawson to sit there.

– Lt jg Kastarak (counsellor / physician)

Dawson entered and smiled at Kastarak, “Hello.” He said taking the seat offered him. He swallowed and looked about Kastarak’s office, trying to think about where to start. He had been developing a rapport with the counselor but, not in a professional sense. He didn’t really know how Kastarak usually conducted his sessions and he was apprehensive to start on his own.
“I hope I haven’t caught you at a bad time,” Dawson said, “I saw your schedule was open for walk-ins and thought I would see if I could catch you. But perhaps I should have made an official appointment.” He began to look around the room, feeling awkward. In his chest, he felt not quite a tightness, but an aversion. Just an overwhelming urge to not be here right now. He knew this feeling. It would creep up on him from time to time. Anxiety that, were he not careful, could turn to anger.

-Dawson

Kastarak listened. It seemed like Dawson felt guilty for dropping in, despite it was a scheduled drop-in hour. Was he thinking that he was taking up someone else’s time, someone who might need it better? Kastarak decided to keep that thought in mind, perhaps he would have to return to it later. Kastarak sensed a heightened emotional state within his patient, and hoped he might be able to understand why.

“All is well, Mr Dawson. We have time,” Kastarak tried to reassure Dawson.

“What brings you here today? What would you like to talk about?”

– Kastarak

Dawson thought about what to say. Everything he wanted to say seemed trapped behind a wall, some blockage in his throat that kept the words from coming. This lump of anxiety seemed to settle in his chest as well, weighing him down. He looked away from Kastarak down to the carpeted floor, trying to forget the Vulcan was there and focus on what he needed to say. He took a deep breath and decided to get right to the point.
“You remember,” He began, his eyes still focused away from Kas, “In my evaluation, we discussed my sister, Clarissa, and her death? How what happened to her had been classified, so I never knew what became of her? The captain has since… pulled some strings and helped me get the answers. Except the answers failed to bring the finality I had hoped. Instead, they seem to suggest that she might in fact be alive. I’ve spent so much time trying to convince myself that she was gone and forcing myself to accept that as fact, but now, now I can’t stop thinking of her, out there alone. Waiting for someone to rescue her. Waiting for me to rescue her.” Dawson put a hand over his mouth as if he were trying to physically hold himself together. “I just, needed to talk to someone about this. I know from past experience that, if I let it, this will eat away at me. And I refuse to let that happen.” not again he thought to himself, remembering that summer after graduation.
-Dawson

As Dawson spoke, Kastarak empathised highly. What if there had been any chance that his siblings were still alive? All that process of grief would have been “in vain”, so to speak, and all wounds, somewhat healed though still sensitive, would be made fresh, blood and inflamed again. It sounded like this was what Dawson spoke of, too.

“I am here, we have plenty of time,” he said softly. “You did well to come see me. Please, go on, tell me more,”

– Lt jg Kastarak (counsellor / physician)

Dawson pursed his lips in thought. He wasn’t sure what more he could say. Unfortunately, many of the details surrounding his sister’s disappearance were still classified. As it stands, he wasn’t even supposed to know what he knew. Would he even be able to tell Kastarak? And with Taggart ready to charge in after Clarissa as if she were his own lost love, Kas and the crew may very well know about it all soon enough. Still, was it his place to say it?
“I… I’m not sure” He said hesitantly, “I’m not sure where to go on. It’s proving difficult to think.”

-Dawson

Kastarak sensed there was something Dawson hesitated about telling him. He thought it might be important for Dawson to move on. He decided to summarize what Dawson had imparted so far.

“For over a decade, you have attempted to put Clarissa behind you, find a way to process the grief and go on living without her. Now evidence has come by your way suggesting that your sister may, indeed, still be alive. If you don’t talk about it, you feel like it will eat you up. How does this summary appear to you? Have I captured it correctly? If so, how are you feeling? What to do you wish to do?”

– Counsellor Kastarak

Kastarak’s blunt summary of his predicament seemed to disarm him. He was ready to move on towards healing this, and didn’t seem to require the sensitive information that Dawson was privy to. “Well,” He said smiling as he relaxed slightly, “That seems to be it in a nutshell, yes. As for how I’m feeling?” Dawson let out a nervous chuckle as he tried to find the answer. “I suppose I don’t entirely know. On the one hand, I’m ecstatic that Clarissa might be alive, but on the other, I’m terrified to let that feeling be, lest it prove false. Then there’s the shame that I didn’t do enough to find her sooner. The feeling that I may be putting us all in danger just to find what may well just be a corpse.” Dawson rubbed his forehead, as if the action may clear the fog in his mind.

-Dawson

Kastarak made a slight hum, one that therapists often do…

“Investing feelings of hope in something we can hardly believe might be true, that can sometimes feel like an act of self-violence. As for shame for not doing more earlier – what kind of indications did you have that she might have been alive earlier?”

Kastarak used the technique of trying to question the rationality of an emotional hypothesis – it often worked well with Vulcans, but he wasn’t so sure about humans…

– Cllr Kastarak

An act of self-violence. Dawson pondered that phrase. He certainly couldn’t argue that. “I didn’t have any,” Dawson said answering Kastarak’s question, “In fact, every piece of evidence I had had resoundly told me my sister was dead. Even now, I have nothing that says she is alive. I know where her ship was going and that it had crashed. Where it crashed, however, made sure no one could check for survivors.”
He knew he was being cagey and vague, but there was only so much he could tell Kastarak. He wondered how officers who’s entire careers were made on classified missions were able to do it. Di they have special councilors with special clearance to hear their stories? Or did they have to perform the same dance he was doing now? Dawson couldn’t believe that Starfleet would allow them to neglect their mental health in order to preserve its secrets, but now, after reading the file on Clarissa, he couldn’t be sure.

-Dawson

Kastarak pondered and sensed the struggle within Dawson.

“Mr Dawson,” Kastarak said. “You are holding back something. I am trying to understand why, I sense it is important for you to make sense of your emotions, your thoughts, and bringing your narrative into context for yourself. I should like to ask your thoughts on this.”

– Kastarak

Dawson gave a tight-lipped smile. He tried to think about how to begin. He knew he had to give Kastarak something. They’d hit a wall, a wall that Dawson had built, and if this was going to progress further, they needed a way to navigate around it. “The…” He began and stopped, “How I came to know about my sister’s mission… Taggart gave me a… The mission is classified.” He finally blurted. He took a breath and collected himself, “The mission is classified, the Captain pulled some strings so I could look at it anyway. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you much more than that.” Dawson noticeably began to breathe easier, as if having addressed the problem, some of the weight of it had been alleviated from him. “So,” Dawson continued, “How would you like to proceed?”

-Dawson

“That is up to you, Mr Dawson,” replied Kastarak. “I’d like to contextualize the situation when you discovered this. Shall we return to the situation immediately before looking at the classified mission. Let’s return there. Where are you? What do you know at this point? What are you thinking, feeling, hoping?”

– Counsellor Kastarak

Dawson blew out a breath as he thought back. “I was going over personnel files in the office when Taggart came in saying he had found something on Clarissa. I obviously stopped what I had been doing at the time and gave him my full attention. He hadn’t read the report yet and wanted me to see it first. I was expecting, I don’t know what I was expecting. I thought they would have simply detailed her death and that it was due to a special research project for the Federation. That was one of the stories I had told myself over the years. A rationale for why they would keep the details from me and my parents. My father is a Federation Councilman, and even he couldn’t get access to it. Still not sure about the strings Taggart pulled to get ahold of it. Anyway, when I read it, I found that the federation didn’t know anything about how she died, or if she did die. Her mission was classified and they lost contact with her ship. They presume all aboard were dead, but they don’t know. Instead of the closure I had hoped for all the file did was reopen old doubts.”

-Dawson

“Indeed,” replied Kastarak. He analysed the details in Dawson’s account. “After a long and tiresome battle with yourself, you had begun to allow yourself to process the grief of losing your sister. This new information has threatened to undone it, yet awakened a new hope in you that she might be alive. Looking at this situation, what realistic opportunities are there to verify whether she is alive or dead?”

– Cllr Kastarak

Dawson bit at his lower lip in thought. “Well,” He said finally, “I did tell the Captain what the report said. He wants to go find her…” And Dawson still didn’t know how to feel about that. He appreciated beyond measure that the Captain would take the time and the risk to look for his sister, but he was still scared. Scared of the consequences of where they would have to go. Scared of finding Clarissa dead. Scared of finding her alive. Scared of finding nothing at all.

-Dawson

Kastarak nodded. Without Dawson expressing his feelings about the situation, Kastarak understood. He was quiet for a moment, thought that this moment could do with some silence, to allow Dawson to gather his thoughts and continue.

Kastarak waited to see if Dawson would continue sharing his thoughts.

– Kastarak

Dawson searched for a way to articulate his thoughts, knowing he wasn’t giving Kastarak much to go on. “I feel like I’m at war with myself.” He said finally, “There’s the Chief Weapons Officer, in charge of the safety and security of the ship and crew, who cannot just allow us to race into certain danger just to possibly bring closure to a single crewman. But then there’s the brother, who desperately wants to race off and save his sister, no matter the cost.”

-Dawson

This was the crux of it. Dawson articulated the conflict of roles perfectly. If there was no doubt to his sister’s death, then he would not have a conflict of roles. He would be a loyal chief weapons officer. If he did not have the constrains of his position, if he was not in star fleet and not in any other employment, and provided he had the means, he would be free to search out his sister. But would he…? And was this conflict actually Dawson’s?

“You describe the conflict eloquently. I understand what you mean. On the other hand,” Kastarak interjected, paused. “the captain says he wants to find your sister – then how is that then a conflict for you? As members of the crew of this ship, we are bound by the lawful orders of the captain. If he would order us to go find her, would there still be a conflict within you?”

The question was hypothetical. Kastarak knew nothing of how true anything that Dawson said was, but he had to work with what Dawson provided. Dawson’s answer would provide insight into his true feelings about the prospect.

– Lt jg Kastarak (counsellor)

–

“As members of the crew of this ship, we are bound by the lawful orders of the captain” Kastarak said and Dawson’s stomach tightened. That was part of the problem. This wasn’t lawful. It likely broke several laws and treaties. But, it wouldn’t have come to that had Starfleet not broken them first when they sent his sister’s ship into Klingon space after that cube. But how much could he tell Kastarak? Perhaps he was right. He could control the captain no more than anyone else on the Chernov. Perhaps he was taking too much onto himself.
“Perhaps you’re right.” Dawson said, “And I hope, should anything come of this, you’ll still think so when this is over.” Taggert would have to tell them where they were going. He wouldn’t have the crew risk their lives and their freedom without giving them the information to choose their path. Or so he hoped. Dawson reminded himself that he had only known the captain for a short time now, even though at times he felt he knew him longer. The man had that kind of quality to him.
“Thanks, Kas,” Dawson said standing, “I’m going to have to think this over, but you’ve been a big help.”

-Dawson