Posted by Lieutenant Commander Ryder Raauhl (Executive Officer) in Finding a Safe Haven

She slipped off down the corridor, no destination really in mind. She just wanted to move, move away from the panic, the memories, and the phantom pains that hunched her posture just enough to make her, and only the observant, notice. She wandered down to the counseling deck. Her first thought to talk to someone. She opened the door to NE Ziecest office and sat down. She liked her staff. They worked hard, and were all very good at their jobs. They were discreet as well.

Ziecest was surprised, “Lt.? What can I do for you?” He had seen the medical notice that came down from sickbay that Lt. Synthi-er had had surgery. She spoke with him for awhile, but it was quickly apparent to Ziecest he couldn’t help her. “Lt. I don’t have the clearance.” Ziecest wished he could help her, but if orders stopped her from talking about it, there wasn’t much he could do.

Casela usually checked on Gen after RTF training, but she hadn’t tonight. She wandered over to Gen’s room on the deck and slipped in to check on her. She was careful not to wake her up, but left quickly after making sure she was okay. Gen was telepathic and Casela didn’t really know how in control of it Gen was. She didn’t need the chaos in her mind to wake the child up. She went into the meditation room for awhile, but found the effort wasted. She left the deck and paced the decks, avoiding the holodecks. She had the feeling that Cobb, and possibly Fey and Manhattan, had the computer rigged to warn them if she went into any holodeck or training room. She sighed. Being here, on this ship, had made her soft, lazy, and overly concerned with opinions. She cursed eloquently in several languages as she walked. Her options for an outlet being ripped from her, leaving her to pace the decks silently.

Eventually she found herself picking the lock on the XO’s quarters, again. She was much more careful this time, and no one was alerted to the fact that she’d opened his door. She smiled at the face he always made when she did that. It was late into Gamma shift, and he was usually asleep. She moved slowly in the dark, the added weight making her movements less natural, and sank down on the couch. Cobb and Fey had assumed she was being stupid and reckless. She just hadn’t noticed, the pain hadn’t felt significant. Not until Manhattan had tagged her that third time. Her tolerance for pain was above natural or normal. She had realized on that third tag, but she didn’t tell him because it wasn’t his fault. Now, however, she knew, that it would be reckless to stay anywhere alone. She recognized the signs in herself – distantly as if looking at her own current mindset from far off. There in that moment she was almost convinced if she looked down at herself she would see the wounds weeping all over her body. Somewhere, rationally, she knew they weren’t. But without meaning to the restraints on the biobed had triggered trauma she had never dealt with in a healthy way. And so she found herself sitting in the dark and quiet on Ryder’s couch. At least, if she did actually do something stupid and dangerous, in her current state of mind, someone would be close enough to hear it.

‘Told you, it would sneak up on you, Girly.’ Casela shook her head. She could see T’Jal smiling at her now about her situation. She wasn’t that young eager adult anymore though. But what she wouldn’t give to be back on Norda III right now. Casela touched the runes on her necklace, but this time she didn’t hold onto the Freya rune. Instead it was the one for strength, because that’s what she needed right then.
Lt. Synthi-er, CNS

Having been dreaming, for the first time of something pleasent and not the normal traumatic enduced nightmares he usually suffered Ryder wasn’t sure what woke him, he did however need a drink as his mouth was bone dry. Slipping put of bed in which his full body on display having never liked sleeping clothed Ryder padded across the room and into the main room where his replicator was located, he didn’t notice the woman on his coach partly due to the room being bathed in darkness only illuminated by the few and various control panels dotted around the room. “Water, cold” He said and the room erupting in a blue light as his water appeared. Picking up the glass he turned and that when he saw a shadow on his couch, he dropped his glass sending it tumbling to the floor and shattering. “Casela!” He shouted having jumped, there was only one person who would be skulking around in the dark.

• Lieutenant Commander Raauhl

For someone who was always so hyper-vigilant and aware, Casela barely registered the movement of someone else in the room. She was sitting on the couch, hugging her knees to her chest. Her eyes staring off and her breath irregular. It was obvious she wasn’t really concerned with the room around her. She registered the glass breaking as it hit the floor, and she absently made note not to step in it. She heard him shout her name in surprise. She hadn’t meant to startle him. She didn’t even register his lack of clothing. She knew why she’d come here, she trusted him. “My scars hurt, Ryder.”
Lt. Synthi-er

“Your scars?” He asked kneeling down and picking up the glass pieces, he supposed it was lucky it was so dark in the room else he may have first grabbed a towel to cover himself. “Could it be a traumatic memory induced pain?” He asked a different question this time. He knew about her scars, and while he didn’t doubt she was in some form of pain physical or mental was yet to be determined.

• LtCmdr Raauhl, XO

She nods, “They shouldn’t hurt anymore.” It had been almost 11 years. They shouldn’t hurt anymore. From that point outside of herself she processed his next question and she recognized he was right. She should have figured that out herself. Her voice is low and her response slow in coming, “Fey used me like a lab rat when she operated on my ribs. And then restrained me to the bio bed for 6 hours.” She pauses letting her thoughts become clear first. “The anesthesia confused me. I didn’t realize where I was when I woke up.”
Lt. Synthi-er, CNS