Posted by Lieutenant Commander Faye Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Deck 14, Meeting Room- Learning to Share

Posted by Lieutenant Shock (Chief of Security) in Deck 14, Meeting Room- Learning to Share

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Faye Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Deck 14, Meeting Room- Learning to Share
Posted by… suppressed (9) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Calloway’s passive-aggressive question did not help, nor did it bring the conversation followed. It was as if she and Shock would constantly misinterpret and second-guess one another. He needed to diffuse the situation.

“Then we are in agreement,” he simply added. “We will stay in regular contact and there is no need to deploy further Security staff into the project unless circumstances change.”

– Lt Shock (COS)

“Right…” Faye stared at him, feeling like the world was suddenly spinning in a different direction, or gravity had altered. The conversation was perfectly fine and she was hardly empathic. In fact, Faye was so far from it, despite being incredibly sensitive, that this was one of those moments where she instinctively felt like she was missing something and had entered a different reality. All she knew was that her instincts told her something and she had to figure out how to make sense of it and respond. “Is…?” She shook her head and frowned. “Did I do something wrong?”

~Faye Calloway, CIO

Shock paused, looked at his colleague – this time less as a colleague and more as a fellow sentient.

“Your question assumes a binary – that there is a right way to conduct a conversation and a wrong way. There are instead countless ways to conduct it.”

He wasn’t wrong, but that in fact was a part of her problem.

“Your question highlights, however, something that we ought to discuss. There appears to miscommunication in our communication. I understand we both have tried to be as direct and clear as we can, yet, there is miscommunication. I have not, for example, mean to imply that you have done something wrong, yet your question, in my interpretation, assumes that implication. May I hear your thoughts on this matter?”

– Lt Shock (COS)

Faye inhaled deeply and exhaled a sigh. “In my initial briefing with everyone about Project Bastion, I explained first that I struggle with the social niceties. It’s not that I don’t know them, but I have a hard time interpreting the nuances of others’ behaviour. And my brain works so damn fast on multiple tangents at the same time that sometimes I lose track of what I’m supposed to pick up from a conversation.” She looked away for a moment and then coming to a decision, Faye looked back at him. “I was diagnosed quite a few years ago with Borderline Personality Disorder. What that means often in my interactions with others, especially those I have had any conflict with, is that I get quite anxious about how the other person is perceiving me and sometimes that ends up coming out as me starting conflict. Not intentionally, truly, but because my brain gets too far down a tangent before I realize I didn’t have to stress. This“-she gestured between them-“is growth. This is me detecting something off in our conversation and pausing to check with you before my brain does something stupid and I say something I don’t mean or react in a way that is less than helpful. Trust me when I say it’s been a hard skill for me to practice.” There was so much more to it as well, but first she needed to gauge how he reacted to the confession she hadn’t expected to have to make.

~Faye Calloway, CIO

Shock listened carefully. Calloway was strangely intimate with him now, he deduced. But why, for what reason? Is she reaching out a hand, showing vulnerability? Communicate that she wants to create a bond between them?

“I am honoured that you have chosen to share this most private detail with me. I shall carry what you have said, and treasure it in my heart.” He paraphrased an Andorian poem he had read years ago, which has helped him express genuine gratitude. Vulcans were, after all, not the most expressive bunch, he had found help in other cultures to help bridge those cultural gaps in communication. Here there was one too, but it seemed from Calloway’s monologue that the gap was not only between cultures, but also between her and the culture in which she was raised, and between her and the ship’s own culture. It appeared to bring much stress upon her. How heavy was the burden upon her?

After their very perfunctory exchanges, his words were rather surprising. Had she heard that somewhere before? One tangent of her brain leapt down the rabbit hole of her memory while she have a small nod, her expression soft. Faye was prone to oversharing, sure, but this wasn’t that. This was disclosure for the sake of them being able to work together. It was necessary. Another point for progress.

She was incredibly intelligent – Shock thought she was probably the most intelligent person on board the ship, at least in terms of certain fields of intelligence. Others, such as emotional intelligence, she was more lacking in. As was he. He found help in abilities to mentalize, however. Did she? Her mentalization skills seemed to be impaired too, he thought.

Her admission helped.

He knew not much of borderline personality disorder, but knew it was associated with emotional instability, splitting, and intense anxiety. Personality disorders, of some kinds, could be observed and identified in most sentient species, Vulcans included. He knew that their aetiology most often stemmed from an interaction of biological vulnerability, environmental stressors, and how others responded to the needs during the developmental period, particularly following puberty.

If true for Calloway too, there had been early, for her unbearable stressors, and long periods of unmet needy, causing an emotional instability. What had happened to her? What unbearable stressors? What needs did she have before that were unmet? What pain did that not cause her? Moreover, did she function on this ship with still unbearable stressors, with unmet needs?

In his gut, he felt a cold, hollow feeling, followed by a slight tension. His heart beat a little faster and his breathing became shallower. He was experiencing empathy, he thought to himself. An emotional pain. Was this how she felt? Now? Before?

He didn’t know. He didn’t know how to express himself, but he knew he had to say something.

“I cannot imagine what you have been through. You have expressed yourself with clarity. It brings our communicative interactive history into context, and that helps me understand. Is there something I said you would wish I clarify or express in different terms, to help aid your understanding of my intention?”

– Lt Shock (COS)

Her stormy grey-green eyes gazed at him intently for several moments and it was clear she was processing something. “Not so much something you said, but I feel apprehension when we interact, because of that first meeting where I debriefed everyone.” Faye looked away for a moment, still uncertain whether she should bring it up, but she knew herself well enough to know that if she didn’t, it would nag on her until it caused things to implode. Such was the way she operated.

Returning her gaze to him, Calloway offered a small smile. “You know, when it comes to my work, I’m happy to be a part of a team. I always do my part. And if it’s work I enjoy? Even better. But it gets tricky when others don’t get me, or we clash. On my last assignment, the Chief of Security and I had a… tumultuous working relationship. He felt entitled to have access to my classified space and did not respect or trust me enough, even upon first meeting, to accept my response, even though I out ranked him at the time.” She blew out a breath. “We eventually sort of worked it out, but things got really messy afterwards. Long story short, Shock, when we were in that debriefing and you were continually questioning things even after I felt I had given the best answer I could, it felt too much like that antagonism that had been very triggering for me. So this really is one of those situations where it’s really me, not you, but I had only been on the Athena an hour and I already felt like I was the enemy and no one was going to trust me. And given the… situation I had been through and survived on the Manhattan, well, I don’t intend to rehash that particular drama here, and I’m certain you don’t either.”

~Faye Calloway, CIO

Shock paused, taking in all that Calloway said. He agreed, he had questioned her during their first meeting, but it was not as an attack, but it was to help him understand. He understood her apprehension now, but then, it made no sense, and it seemed to him, she was being needlessly antagonistic to him then. If only they had communicated clearly. He felt an urge to recommend Vulcan emotion-regulating techniques to her, but decided against it. She was human, humans have to experience emotions to make sense of their world. They do not have the capacity to be informed by their emotions without actually feeling them. Shock, as a Vulcan, could just listen in to his emotions, for a microsecond, analyse the meaning of the emotion, turn it off, and return to a serene state of mind. For him, emotions were like information cues, like a rumble in the stomach when hungry, informing the body “oh we need food”, or when he’s tired, informing him of the need for sleep. Emotions had the same meaning for him. Humans were different though. It must be so difficult for Faye to go over all of these things, always experiencing emotions to such a high degree, yet, at the same time, having a disorder characterised by emotional dysregulation. Not only was she a human (which means dysregulated emotions in itself), but she had a degree of dysregulation of her emotions beyond what was normal for humans.

“Indeed,” he said in agreement to what she had last said. After a pause, he added: “I have often experienced speciesism, where people judge my character, my words, my opinions, based on my species and the cultural mores attributed to it. I do not express emotion, and I have been misinterpreted for it by several colleagues, mocked, and my advice or questions have been dismissed for not adhering to human-centric norms on emotion in speech and communication. In such interactions, I notice afterwards that I become defensive and less listening. I become more adamant in upholding my notions, my interpretation of logic for the situation, and so on, and less open to other suggestions or viewpoints.”

He paused again, trying to find the words.

“I believe now, without noticing it then, that such patterns of responsiveness were activated in me during our first meeting. I became questioning because of what I had experienced before meeting you, by people dismissing me for being or acting Vulcan. It was a wrongful interpretation, and although it was my unconscious that brought it out then, it injured you, and I am responsible for it. I have wronged you.”

– Lt Shock (COS)

Faye shook her head. “Shi!t happens, Shock. Taking responsibility where we need to does help, but I was triggered and really, I’m a senior officer and I am doing command training. If I want to be a captain one day I better get used to people questioning things they don’t understand.” She smirked slightly. “Because knowing what you know now, I think you can see that I’m going to be a particular kind of captain. And some people are going to clash with me.” She shrugged. “I’m used to it.”

“You are not responsible for my reactions. I can, and should do better, but I will admit that I feel off-kilter here. My last posting was my home, Shock. It’s the place I came into my own. That crew became my family and if you know anything about me, you will know that that is a spectacular happening. I just got married, left a stable home, my crew, a job where I became highly respected and I came here. I don’t regret that because being with my husband is everything, but it’s hard. I don’t do change well. It messes with my coping skills. And I’m telling you this because we are going to be working very closely together. And I’d rather be able to say on occasion ‘hey, I’m having a rough day’ and not have to explain it in detail, because you’ll have an inkling what that means and not take what I say or do personally. Hopefully. Though if I’m being a jerk, by all means, call me out on it.” And she was serious about it too, that was the thing that would probably surprise more than a few people.

~Faye Calloway, CIO

As Faye explained herself, and took the blame herself – indeed removed it from Shock – Shock felt an urge to get to know Faye better. He knew extremely little of her, except for what she had disclosed in their meetings, and from what was accessible in her staff file (which was not much – even to the chief of security…). Though, as he dug deeper within himself, he realised the urge was less professional and more personal. Faye was an intriguing person, and while he struggled to understand her, there was logic behind her behavioural patterns. He just needed to see it – or perhaps, have Faye explain it.

“If you one day ascend the captain’s chair, I shall until that day strive to be considered for inclusion in your crew manifest. Until then, we will call each other out, as you put it, whenever warranted.”

– Shock

His statement surprised her. In her own mind, Captain Calloway was a singular person, even though she had joked with Alex about the poor XO who might one day get stuck with her. Good luck to them! But even that was more of a funny imagining, rather than a reality, so Shock talking about being a member of her crew one day, well, shocked her. She blinked the confusion away, though later she was going to have to do some deep reflecting. “Okay then,” she said finally.

She studied him for a moment before deciding to just go for it. “If you have any questions about anything I’ve mentioned, I don’t mind answering them. Unless it’s too hard or I can’t for some reason.”

~Faye Calloway, CIO

Shock thought this was a signal that the meeting would come to an end. He straightened his back, rolled back his shoulders.

“Likewise, Ms Calloway,” he replied, “if there is anything, anything at all, you wish to know, please ask and I shall do my utmost to answer it, with disclaimers of legal and other confidential matters, of course.”

– Lt Shock (COS)

“Of course,” she said with a straight face, though inwardly she was slightly amused. There wasn’t anything he’d be privy to that she couldn’t be, but still, she appreciated that he was concerned enough to make the declaration. “Now, that’s all I had to cover on my stuff. You said at the beginning you had some things you wanted to discuss?”

~Faye Calloway, CIO

“We have covered that within our conversation already, its place as a separate point of the agenda has become moot,” Shock said, clarifying. “Is there anything you wish to raise before we conclude this meeting?”

– Lt Shock (COS)