Posted by Civilian Sair Songz (Counselor) in Fitzgerald’s boarding psych eval

Posted by Ensign Anna Fitzgerald (Medical Officer) in Fitzgerald’s boarding psych eval

Posted by Civilian Sair Songz (Counselor) in Fitzgerald’s boarding psych eval

<snip>

She gave a nod and ordered the tea, carrying both cups over to the sitting area. She set the earl grey in front of Anna and set hers on in front of one of the armchair near where the doctor was sitting. Sair ventured back across her office to her desk, found the PADD she knew she had set aside. “So, new assignment after awhile. And a lower rank. I understand that was your request. May I ask why?”

~Sair Songz, CNS

Anna sighed. She picked up the offered cup, took a sip, and then stared into it for a while, more to buy some time to think than because she truly wanted the tea.

“Well. If you know I’m here at reduced rank by my own request, you must have read my file already. So you know that I originally trained as a psychiatrist, and that I served in that capacity throughout most of my time in the Fleet.”

Another sip of tea. Another opportunity to ponder how exactly to say this.

“Have you experienced much grief in your life, Counselor? I mean the devastating, world-shattering kind of grief that leaves you gasping for breath every time something reminds you of it? The kind that leaves you wondering why you’re still alive? Don’t worry, my question is rethorical. I don’t want you to answer it. Just think about it. Try to get into that mindset.”

Sair inhaled a slow breath, maintaining an attentive gaze

Anna didn’t know anything about this Counselor, since they’d just barely met. But she knew a thing or two about the Kobliad and their ever-shortening lifespans. If there was one person on this ship she could be virtually sure would understand what she was talking about when merely suggesting what she’d gone through, she was willing to bet it would be this woman.

“I lost my daughter fairly recently. She was three. She had her whole life ahead of her, and I … well. I didn’t do what any self-respecting mother knows is her primary purpose in life from the moment she finds out she’s pregnant. I did not protect my child.”

Right then, she looked the Counselor in the eyes. Deliberately.

“I know I should let go of that guilt at some point, and I’ve had help working through it. The sharpest edges are gone. But I also know that this grief is a burden I’ll carry with me for a long time - potentially for the rest of my life. And, given that, I feel that I am not, and may never again be, in the best position to help others work through similar burdens.”

She shrugged, and then looked down into her cup again. “I know other people in my situation sometimes have the opposite reflex. They feel having gone through something like that makes them better able to do their jobs than they’ve ever been. I’m just … I don’t think I can. So …”

She looked up again, and sighed. “So instead, I came here. To the literal opposite end of the universe. A ship that didn’t need a Counselor, but did need a junior officer in the medical department. Technically, I’m still a Doctor. I can treat minor workplace injuries and people with the sniffles, and new recruits coming in for a routine physical, just as well as any green-faced Cadet can. And I can study and practice like crazy with the best of them. This gives me a chance to … start over? I don’t know. Maybe that’s not the right way of putting it. I just want … something different. And I’m hoping this ship will give me that. But I didn’t want to come in here pretending I’m a seasoned … well, anything, actually. I’m starting as low man on the totem pole, here. I want my rank pips to reflect that.”

~ Doctor Anna Fitzgerald

She nodded slowly, digesting what the woman was sharing with her. Yes, she knew that grief, and close to even the kind Anna had experienced, but she had never lost a living child. “Sometimes we need every variable in our lives to be different so that we can see what a path forward might look like,” she mused.

“I respect your decision to change your rank. Others might not agree to have chosen the same, but all that matters is that it works for you,” Sair said. “Do you have any immediate concerns as you settle in?”

~Sair Songz, CNS

Anna pondered the question for a moment. Then, she said: “Yes. I’ve told you my story. It’s not the kind of story I’ll tell everyone I meet, right after meeting them. Perhaps not even my immediate superior, depending on how that goes, although I’m sure he’ll see the traces of it in my personnel file.”

She looked at the Counselor with purpose. “I’d like to ask you to be my … emergency brake, for lack of a better term. I’ve been warned that this is still fresh and recent, though it often feels to me like it happened in a different lifetime. People in the know have said that I may struggle for a while with finding the right balance … between either not allowing myself to feel at all, or being completely overwhelmed with emotion at inopportune times.”

Anna shrugged, a little sheepishly. “If you see me veering too far off course in either direction, I’d like you to tell me to take a beat. Take care of myself before I try to care for others. Can you do that?”

~ Doctor Anna Fitzgerald