Posted by Lieutenant Piper Grant (Chief of Operations) in Sidesim - Audrey’s ‘Piping’ Hot

Posted by Audrey IV (Plant in the Arboretum Deck 14) in Sidesim - Audrey’s ‘Piping’ Hot

Posted by Lieutenant Piper Grant (Chief of Operations) in Sidesim - Audrey’s ‘Piping’ Hot
Posted by… suppressed (1) by the Post Ghost! 👻
It is evening shift, around 1900 hours and Piper finds herself on duty. The Ops Screen in front of her is full of diagnostic charts. She looks … stressed.

Suddenly her console beeps. There’s an incoming transmission, from Deck 9, Main Arboretum, specifically from Audrey IV …

Audrey IV, Main Arboretum, USS Ark Angel

Piper looked at the message and opened it. Wondering what Audrey was up to.

Grant (COO)

The screen is dark, then suddenly a spotlight lights up Audrey IV’s central bloom.

Audrey’s voice starts to speak, it is different, deeper, raspier, dripping with charismatic, old-school charm, she’d obviously been watching her ‘documentaries’ again. (If you didn’t know better, you’d almost think she was channelling Satchmo himself.)

“Good evening Lieutenant Grant, you look … stressed, you’ve been working too hard up in the artificial light … you need some humidity, you need some … greenery. The air is awful thin up on the bridge, isn’t it? Down here … it’s thick. It’s rich. And I’ve got the band warming up just for you …”

Audrey began rhythmically snapping her larger vines together, creating a swinging, syncopated jazz beat that echoes over the message. Then she began to sing in a gravelly, sultry growl, reminiscent of a 20th Century Earth trumpeter, Louis Armstrong.

“Hello, Piper … Yes it’s Audrey, Piper … It’s so nice to see your signal on my screen!
You’ve been busy up in Ops, Piper, Pullin’ out all the stops, Piper, But down here, honey, everything is … lush and green …

You’re scan-nin’ swell, Piper … I can tell, Piper … My bio-sensors say your vitals are so strong
I feel your body heat, Piper, Way up the bridge’s seat, Piper, But you know the Arboretum’s where you belong!”

The tempo of the vine snapping increases, and … the background hum of the arboretum sounds suspiciously like muted trumpets.

And through the increased tempo, and the muted trumpets, Audrey continued, “I feel the fronds swayin’, and my roots are playn’ … a little botanical jazz just for your ears! So take a turbolift, Piper! Give me the evening shift, Piper! And we can wipe away those Operation tears!”

The trumpets became unmuted as there was a big, brassy vocal build-up.

Audrey continued, her voice becoming more powerful, more sultry. “So … log off the board, PIper! Come on down and explore, Piper! Forget the warp core and the impulse drive to-ni-ight!

Just step inside the glass … And let the hours pass … Darlin’ Piper, come and whet my appetitite! Yeah, yeah, yeah … Piper come and whet my appetite!”

Audrey let out a final, raspy joyful laugh that ends in a distinct carnivorous growl before cutting the transmission.

Audrey IV, Main Arboretum, USS Ark Angel

Piper found herself tapping her foot to the tempo of the music and almost found a way to make it down to the arboretum when the screen cut out again and Piper shook her head, she’d go down there later and see what that was all about.. She wasn’t too fond of the whetting of appetite though, she would have to find something tasty for Audrey to eat....Piper then looked up what Audrey’s diet consisted of.

Grant (COO)

Piper finds an article labelled The perfect diet of a sentient Venus Fly Trap by an expert on sentient Venus Fly Traps. The article is an audio and visual file. Opening it reveals Audrey IV in the arboretum holding a large, broad leaf (on which she has burned text with her own acidic secretions) like a piece of paper. Audrey IV looks at the camera and speaks, “Hello, sentient nature lover, my, don’t you look delicious … delightful I mean delightful? As an expert on the dietary needs of sentient Venus Fly Traps, I thought I should share with you just what those needs are. As you know, I devour human … documentaries from 20th and 21st Century Earth, and on one such documentary, I discovered a pair of delicious … I mean delightful human children who wanted a Nanny. That was one thing they got right from that documentary, if you really really want something, you’ve got to write it down.”

Audrey IV clears her throat, which really just sounds like dry leaves rustling, and begins to ‘read’ from her leaf in a sweet, sing-song voice.

Wanted: The perfect diet for a delightful, sentient Venus Fly Trap. (She dips her main pod to the camera and begins the instructions)

If you want to save your ship’s crew, Listen to me for a big clue.
When you’re off on a mission, Take cages powered by fission.

Capture bugs large and small, fat and slim, short and tall.
When you return come see me, Deck Fourteen, Section C.

Hurry sentient, I can’t wait, For some meat upon a plate!
Until then, you I’ll adore,Sincerely, Audrey… Four.

She drops the leaf. The Pods instantly pop up for the transition.

Audrey IV is now speaking, “now to be specific for those sentients out there who maybe think whispers plants are food, not friends, the pods are going to tell you about some of their favourite wings.” The pods are swaying, and it seems they are swaying in 3/4 time.

ALPHA POD Cardassian mashed…
BETA POD …bugs!
ALPHA POD …with Bajoran…
BETA POD …noodles!
ALPHA POD Cooked Ferengi…
BETA POD …ear worms …
ALPHA POD …add taste to bland Vulcan…
BETA POD …strudels!
ALPHA POD … Bynars in
BETA POD …pears…
ALPHA POD … with a side of Joined Trill…
BETA POD … The symbiote adds such a wonderful thrill!
ALPHA POD … Gorn on the grill with a spicy glaze coating…
BETA POD … Wild Andorians on an ice floe a-floating…
ALPHA POD … Romulan Ale that brings tears to my eyes…
BETA POD … These are a few of my favorite pies!
(THE BRIDGE) ALPHA POD When the hunger gnaws…
BETA POD When its red alert…
ALPHA POD When I’m feeling sad…
BOTH PODS …I simply remember a Tellarite roast… And then I don’t feel… So baaaaaaaaad!

The music stops, and they bow. at their stalks

Audrey IV is calling out “NO NO NO! Not the sentients, the bugs, the rodents, the lizards, the birds, the … tribbles! Naughty Pods … last time I’m letting you sing without me checking your work first …”

ALPHA POD “Sorry, Audrey IV, you are the hostess with the mostess”
BETA POD “Yeah, the Gal who has it All”
BOTH PODS “Please, Audrey IV, we want …”
AUDREY IV “want what?”
BOTH PODS “some more”
AUDREY IV “More? Never before has a Pod asked for more” Ponders “Alright then, hit it Pods…”
ALPHA POD Is it worth the waiting for? If we live ‘til twenty-four… All we ever get is… Synthehol!
BETA POD Every day we say a prayer, Will they clear the humid air? The only thing we get is… Ethanol!
AUDREY IV (Main Head) (Spoken, interrupting sharply) “No, no, darlings! You’re scaring the crew! They don’t want to hear about our starvation. She wants to hear about our… refined palate. We must assure her that sentience is off the menu.”
(She winks at the camera as the music becomes very up tempo and light and happy.)
ALPHA POD We love a tribble! A fuzzy little nibble! They’re fluffy and they’re scruffy and they’re sweet!
BETA POD A Cardassian Vole! Swallowed in the whole! They really are a treat that can’t be beat!
BOTH PODS There’s nothing like a Regulan Bloodworm stew! Or a spider from the caves of Naboo! (Wait, wrong franchise) Or a Ceti Alpha Eel in the barbecue! They’re good enough to eat! They’re good enough to eat! They’re gooood enough to eeeeeat!
The music slows down into a waltz. Darker. Sondheim-esque. Audrey leans into the mic, seductive and witty.
AUDREY IV But my dears, I see you hesitate. You think I want a Yeoman on my plate? A Vulcan is too dry, too logical. A Klingon is too tough, biological. I’ve turned a new leaf, I’ve refined my taste. To let the ship’s vermin go to waste!
ALPHA POD For instance, have you tried… The Talarian Hook Spider?
AUDREY IV Too many legs, it tickles the insider. But it has a lovely crunch. Perfect for a light brunch.
BETA POD Then how about a… Denebian Slime Devil?
AUDREY IV Oh, that puts me on a whole new level! It slides down the throat with a burning sensation. A spicy, acidic, divine creation!
ALPHA POD We have some Bajoran Palukoo…
AUDREY IV A little bit fishy, but it’ll do. It reminds me of a texture I adore… Not unlike a certain… Commodore.
AUDREY IV Kidding! Just kidding! I’m talking about krill! Or a beetle that sits on the window sill!
(THE “GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT” REPRISE) (Tempo speeds back up. Frantic cheerfulness.)
ALPHA POD There’s nothing quite like a Vulcan Beta Fly! (Though I wouldn’t say no to a Romulan spy!)
BETA POD A Tarkalean Hawk with a side of rye! (Or a Tellarite pig in a blanket pie!)
AUDREY IV We’re doing the ship a service! We’re acting as the pest relief! So come on down and bring us a snack! A crate of grubs or a sehlat on a rack!
ALL PODS We promise not to bite your arm! We mean the crew no bodily harm! (Unless you trigger the alarm!)
They’re good enough to eat! They’re good enough to eat! ! CREW YOU LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO…”
(Audrey slaps the pods into silence and the music stays on a single long mournful note)
AUDREY IV …Meet. You look good enough to meet, darling. Come on down.
And the music plays a quick musical refrain of the up tempo music before fading to black.

Audrey IV, Main Arboretum, USS Ark Angel
OOC: Yeah, had way too much fun with that.