Posted by Lieutenant Alex Cross (Chief Counselor) in The Hostess with the Mostess

Posted by Audrey IV (Plant in the Arboretum Deck 14) in The Hostess with the Mostess

Posted by Audrey IV (Plant in the Arboretum Deck 14) in The Hostess with the Mostess
It was 0900 when Audrey’s tendralls reached out and used a nearby station to open a channel to the ship.

“Well, hello you beautiful uni, bi, tri and quad pedal crewmembers of the USS Ark Angel. I am Audrey IV, coming to you most rrcently from the main Arboratum, but before that from Canticus Theatrum IV, where not only the hills, but the plains, deserts, forests and mountains are alive with the sound of music. I am your hostess with the mostess, and I am here to sing show tunes, I can harmonise, I can vocalise and I can accessorise. And i am here to take your requests to lift your mood. And remember, plants are your friends … become carnivores, one and all.”

And then a sound which could well be Audrey warming up her vocal chords are carried across the ship.

Audrey IV, Main Arboretum, USS Ark Angel

“Well than, let’s hit it pods” Audrey IV says, “here is ‘I’ve got the Tune Right Here’, with acknowledgement to the handsome guys and beautiful dolls of 20th Century US of A.” A brassy sound starts up.

(POD ALPHA - The “Diva” Head) (Starts alone, crisp and rhythmic)
“I got the tune right here, The lyrics crystal clear, I’m gonna sing it strictly as the composers wrote it! It’s legitimate, Art— It’s got a complex start, And if the Captain interrupts I’m gonna misquote it!
It’s Sondheim, it’s Klass, So kiss my photosynthesis! Can do, can do, This gal says the music can do!”

(POD BETA - The “Tech/Science” Head) ( enters, singing over Pod Alpha. Pod Alpha continues repeating her verse underneath)
“I’m checking frequencies, And Subspace decrees, That we are violating seven protocols of Starfleet! Yeah the Vulcan is mad, He’s reaching for his PADD, But if we jam the signal then the victory is sweet!
It’s log-ic, applied, The regulations set aside! Can do, can do, This gal says the signal can do!”

(POD GAMMA - The “Hungry” Head) (Enters last, singing over BOTH Alpha and Beta)

“I see a snack right here! His spots are very clear! He’s a Trill working at the helm this year! He’s got a meaty thigh, I caught his wandering eye, I’d like to study all his internal geography!

So ten-der, so sweet, I really need a piece of meat! Can do, can do, This gal says the Helm will do!”

(ALL THREE PODS - Suddenly locking into perfect 3-part harmony)

“I got the TUNE! I’m checking the SPECS! I want the SNACK!

Can do! Can do! Audrey the Fourth can do!”

(BIG BRASS FINISH)

AUDREY IV: (Speaking again, breathless) “And that was just the appetiser. Now… does anyone on the Bridge have a request? Or shall I just pick someone at random… to serenade?”

Audrey IV, Main Arboretum, USS Ark Angel
(OOC: And yes … filking on Fugue for Tinhorns from Guys and Dolls … no Vulcan NEs, Trill Helm Officers or Captains were harmed in the writing of this post … Sondheim though is probably screaming in anger at the desecration :P)

From the Counseling office came a comm, ^=^How bout some jazz?^=^

Counselor Alex Cross

“Your wish is my desire, love,” Audrey IV says in a deep voice that promises … seduction … and perhaps a bit of danger, “I take you to Earth, Chicago, to be precise, and the trial of a set of murderesses, here’s a little number I crafted called, “All the Sap.” Oh … and I need a dance partner … My pods might do the fosse shake and the jazz fonds, but they are no good at dancing … oh Mr S’vor, let’s beam on down …”

Poor S’vor the Vulcan Security NE is … fascinated … by the song and dance number by the plant, particularly the way the three separate pods are able to sing all at once, in perfect harmony, despite being the one being. He ponders doing a mind meld and gets ever so close to her … perhaps too close … cause the lights in the arboretum have turned red … red alert red … but they are lightening and darkening in a kind of jazzy way.

Audrey IV Come on S’vor… why don’t we beam on down? And all that Sap. I’m gonna unfurl leaves and take a look around … And all that Sap

Start the warp, I know a quiet spot, where the humidity … is blazing HOT! It’s just a noisy hull, where there’s a nightly lull … and all that Sap

Audrey extends a long vine, offering a ‘hat’ to S’vor. He looks at it … still fascinated.

Audrey IV Comb your hair, and call your Starfleet Blues … and all that Sap. I hear the Captain’s Log is gonna break the news … And all that Sap.

Hold on, hon, I’m gonna give a tug. I made some acid … in my stomach pug. In case you fall apart, Inside my purple heart, And be … that … Sa-ap

For the chorus, Pods Beta and Gamma start doing the Fosse ‘shimmer’ with their leaves.

Pods Beta and Gamma: Oh you’re gonna see your Petal shimmer shake! And all that Sap!

Audrey IV: Oh she’s gonna show you just how much you bake! And all that Sap

Pods Beta and Gamma: Ha! Ha! Ha! Show him where to park his shoes!

Audrey IV: Oh I’ve got a sickness that a pill can’t lose! It’s called a hunger pang … For that delightful tang … of all … that … Sa-ap!

Audrey’s main pod moves closer to S’vor … and Mr Ratcliffe (the NE Doctor) enters the arboretum, looking concerned at S’vor … Audrey’s seductive voice becomes even more seductive as she whispers as she’s ever so close to the Vulcan.

Audrey IV: Find a flask … we’re playing fast and loose … And all that Sap. Right inside me here … is digestive juice … And all that Sap

Come on, babe … We’re gonna brush the sky! I bet all you ensigns … Wanna die!

Doc Ratcliffe’s in the bay, But I am in the way! Of all … that … Sa-ap!

The tempo accelerates wildly, the red light is flashing in time with the beat and the pods are waving frantically.)

Audrey IV: No I’m no one’s Fern! But, oh, I love to burn! And all … that … SAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAP!

Pods Beta and Gamma whispering dramatically And all that Sap! And All that Sap!

Audrey snaps her trap shut on the final beat. Doctor Ratcliffe manages to pull S’Vor out of danger at the last second, his ‘hat’ floats to the ground outside the pot.

Audrey IV, Main Arboretum, USS Ark Angel
(OOC: Yeah, with apologies to Chicago and Kander, Ebb and Fosse)