Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in Weekly Requirements

Posted by Lieutenant Dr Tealor Tessan (CMO/CNS) in Weekly Requirements

Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in Weekly Requirements
Posted by… suppressed (59) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Grabbing the monitor she stood, “Yes Sir.” She was eager to get out of there. Just to breath, to not think about anything from her past. She’d go back to the holodeck again. She really liked that program. Maybe… if that place were actually real, she’d go on vacation there.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Only a day past before she had recieved a message from Tealor,

I was looking at the results of last night, connect it to your Padd and press the button on the side, it will recieve the changes i have made
Regaurds
Dr Tessan

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia read over the instructions, plugged the band into her PaDD. When it was done she set it by her bed for when she went to bed.

Thank you Dr. Tessan.

En. Dradvia

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

For the first few days there were new updates, and then things looked like they were working much better. Soon it was time for another meeting.

Tealor escourted NE black out the door, she was around Dradvia’s age and giggling something fierce when Tealor opened the door, walking her out of his office. “See you next week lieutenant” he said.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia had seen her around. It was a small ship. She couldn’t imagine why she was giggling, but the girl didn’t seem able to do anything else. She turned to the door and Tessan. “Dr. Tessan. Do I need to reschedule?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor gave a low chuckle.. “No Ensign, you are just in time, Ensign black was just leaving.” he said waving her off. “Please come in, water?” he asked as he moved over to the replictor, there were two empty glasses along with a half eaten bowl of fruit sitting on the coffee able in front of the sofa.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia entered the office and sat on the chair she usually occupied. “Yes, please.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Setting some water down in front of her , he tool up is spot behind his desk with his tear. He much more enjoyed the couch but this gave her some space and made her more comfortable. He took a long sip of tea.

“So how was your week?” he asked.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

“It was pretty normal.” Nothing out of the ordinary that week.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Nothing?” he asked, “I do see that at least from a wave pattern and time persepective your sleep looks much better” he looked at her for a long moment trying to get a feel for how she was feeling.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

“Nothing out of the ordinary. It was a quiet week.” People were getting used to her quiet presence. She was fading into the background and could just do her work. “I uploaded all the changes to the band you sent me.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Quiet is not a bad thing” he said, “What would you like to do with our time today? ” he asked there were options and he certianly had his idea’s but he wanted her to take control and lead things as they moved forward.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

“I don’t really have anything in particular. I guess the regression, unless there is something else you want me to do.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Are you feeling up to the knight terrors today?” he asked. “It’s the most stress full for you emotionally, which means it’s also the area that will have the most impact with the technique.” he suggested.

Leaving her fellow surviors would work as well, but she seemed reluctant to talk about it and he had promised to let it die.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia nodded. “Alright.” She didn’t want to, but that was why she was here. She set her glass down and crossed her arms, lowering her gaze to the floor. There were so many night terrors, she wasn’t sure where to start.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor watched she knew what she needed to do, or would ask if she was unsure. He pulled out his Padd and started a new entry for this session and reached out to see where she was emotionally.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Mostly she felt a little trepidatious about starting. She always seemed so close to slipping back. She focused in on the last night terror she’d had. It had been…well not the worst memory she had certainly. It was bad enough. She could already feel her heart beginning to pound and race. “I feel lonely, hopeless. I can’t feel scared anymore. I feel dead.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealors voice was soft and melodic, “Describe what where you are , what you see, smell , feel” he asked she needed to address the events that caused the feelings just as much as the feelings themselves.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia swallowed audibly. “Ummm. I’m… uh… I’m in Master’s rooms. It’s large with thick rugs and silk pillows. Everything is made of heavy wood and reinforced with tritanium. It smells…awful - sick.” She balks, not wanting to say why it smells so bad. “It has for awhile. It’s thick with smoke from the incense he’s burning. The smell makes me dizzy and hard to think.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

He tooks some notes and continued, “Is there anyone else with you? Has anyone just left?” he asked trying to get a sense of what was going on. He also left his connection to her open sensing what she was feeling so he could pull her out if it got out of control.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia nodded not saying anything for a moment. “Master…” she licked her lips like they were dry. “Lokhar,” the name made her shiver, “is in the room with me. It’s hard to see because of the smoke and the lights are so low, but I can hear him walking around. I can hear his voice, but the smoke makes it hard to think. I don’t understand. I’m so thirsty. He wouldn’t let me have water. He just kept…” her eyes closed and then flew open. “He used a wet cloth on me.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Ensign?” he asked depending on what was happening that could mean several things he really did not need all the details. “Go ahead and start your tapping and breathing” he suggested.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia tapped quietly trying to go slow, to count her breaths in and out. It was hard at first, like she couldn’t draw in that much air, and had to rush to get the next breath. She knew she could, she knew she was in Tessan’s office.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor new better than to compliment her at this point so he simply instructed. “Slow your breathing down and keep with the tapping” he said watching her and reaching out to see where she was emotionally.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

She kept tapping and tried to slow her breathing. Emotionally she was fragile. She was almost lost in the memory of those feelings. The hopelessness, the grief and guilt. There was something she’d done that made her accept whatever it was Lokhar was doing to her. And over all of that was a deadness. She’d given up and didn’t care what happened. She welcomed the pain as her karma.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor sat while she tried to dial in her feelings and her breathing it was a few moments before he spoke again, this time very softly. “Why the guilt ensign?” Tealor could not image what she could have done to warrent the feeling of guilt and acceptance of what hadd occurred to her at the time.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

A loud broken sob escaped her. Her whole body shook with grief. She wasn’t afraid of prison. She deserved it. She was afraid of being found in prison. The tapping stopped, her breaths coming in huge gasps. “I,” she sobbed, pulling her legs up, hugging them, and burying her face. “I killed Kryssa!”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor had been doing this long enough to know that there was much more to the story. “Will you tell me what happened” he asked, his voice empathetic and soft as he pushed a box of tissue toward her.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

She didn’t notice the tissues at all. She was curled tightly into the chair, in the ball she’d created. “That’s why he was punishing me, because I killed her. I stole the dagger and I cut her throat.” She sobbed uncontrollably.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor looked at her taking in what she said, he did not react to it thought, he continued wanting to get to the bottom of what had happened. It seemed unlikely that she would kill someone who she loved so much without reason. “Why did you do that?” he asked and added. “If it’s easier I can see the events for myself” he offered.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

She shook, the sobs wracking her body, but eerily silent now. He could see, see her guilt and maybe, finally, she would pay for what she’d done.

The memory played in vivid detail through Tessan’s mind.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

When the events played out in his mind, he could feel how much she loved Kryssa, the desperation in an unwinnable situation, the request of a friend to be set free the only way she could see, and Dradvia honoring that request. Tears flowed freely down his face as he now looked at her understanding the weight she had been shouldering and stuffing down inside. Tealor scooted around his desk bring his chair closer two her, he wanted to hug her to give her comfort, but that was more about what he needed than what she would want. In stead he simply removed the barrier of the desk to give her the option to approach him if she needed it.

Even if Dradvia wanted comfort, and she probably needed it, she would never ask for it. The guilt sat too heavily on her. She would never be comfortable with crossing that line anyway. “I tried to hid the pain from her, my fear. He drugged me so I couldn’t. I tried. I tried to make it better for her and I couldn’t. I… should have told her to give in, rather than helping her resist.” The words breathed out of her between sobs. He was closer. Surely he was going to arrest her. She’d murdered someone. She had to pay.

“Dradvia” he said his voice soft and full of compassion himself still fighting back tears and sorrow. “You did what you had to do, there was no out” he said. “You love her , there was no malice in your heart, only love” he said.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

His words made her sob harder. A flash of that horrible room surfaced again. “He… he p…” she sniffed, but didn’t bother to wipe her eyes. “He punished me for three months. When I never fought back, never begged, he … he,” she shuddered as if this was worse than the rest. “He decided I had killed her because I was jealous of the attention he gave her. That I was removing competition. He… he apologized for hurting me, and then rewarded me for my loyalty to him. I became his only favorite.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

His mind was still connected to her, the feeling was overwhelming. The mixed emotions of it all so confused and manipulative.

Tealor shook his head, “No, you are not to blame, they are, blame them not yourself. She would not have given in, she was avoiding being the monster they wanted her to be and went to extremes to avoid it.” his voice more firm. “Both of you were tortured”

“You are not to blame” he said softly

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia shook her head, “Maybe, but I still failed her.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

He looked to the floor, “I don’t think you did, ” he was trying to chose his words. “What you are experiencing is survivors guilt, and it’s compounded by what you had to do” he said softly. “You did exactly what she asked you to do, and you knew at the time that she was right, and only option, or you would not have done it.” he moved a little closer but still just out of arms reach. “You are judging yourself from a place of hope, when there was none back then. ” he looked up from the floor at her.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

The words didn’t help. Nothing could absolve her, nothing could ease the grief. “What if I imagined it? Her plea in my head? What if she was asking to save her instead? What if I was wrong?”

Her breath shuddered. “Three months. Everyday I thought would be my last. I prayed for it. It never came. Then…” she shuddered through another sob. “He rewarded me for killing her.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“That is because he is an evil, evil, man” he noted. “I was there in the memory it was clear what she was asking, not just buy what you felt, but the entire even, it was clear what she needed and wanted” he said softly. “Ensign take a drink of water please”

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Memories could be tricky. They took your point of view, your internal thoughts. She would never be able to ask Kryssa if she was right or wrong.

She reached for the glass, the water sloshed in the cup as her hands shook. It was an order, she could follow orders. She took a sip, nearly chocking as it got stuck around the lump in her throat. She took a second sip and then set the glass down.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor searched her feelings, “Ensign, what would you tell yourself if you were me and what action would you take?” he asked, sometime it helped get a patient working their logical mind for a moment to help calm them down.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

“I don’t know.” She always hated that question. “That’s not my fault? To forgive myself?” That’s what they wanted to hear. It wasn’t so easily done.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor could feel her settle. “That’s what you think you should say, but is it how you actually view the situations? ” he asked. “What would you do if you were me, and know what you know?” he asked trying to get to the root.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

“I don’t know!” Her voice rose, tension snapping taught. “I can’t look at it from outside! I was in it! I feel it! No choice or not, I took her life! I ended it! I don’t know what I would tell you!” She suddenly seemed to realize she was shouting at him. Her body drew into a ball, her hands coming up, to protect herself from the thrashing she would get.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor felt the frustration and anger for the first time. There it is he thought to himself. “That’s not it, you know the answer, you know what needs to be done,” he pushed

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Yes she did. “I’d tell you to confess.” She finally looked up at him. “Do you want me to call Morris myself, or do you want to?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“No” he said plainly. “Where is the anger that was coming out, Dradvia” he said pushing her bounties. she repressed it always, he guess because she was afraid. ” you were about to yell at me and you stopped, Why?” he voice was controlled but firm.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

“Because you don’t deserve that. You are trying to help. You’re kind. It’s not… I should not vent my grief and fear at you.” She put her head back down. She wasn’t angry, frustrated over being asked the same things over and over again with the same results and never being… she didn’t know. It just never changed and she was so tired.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor was not going to let her tap out just yet, there was more there, he had felt it, and it was time for her to face some of that fear. “First you should let it out that’s what i’m here for,” he said pausing only a moment.

Not like that. She had never been a person to direct her feelings at someone. Venting, crying, accepting support. But she never took it out on someone else. That was part of her self identity. She wouldn’t lose it.

“Second it’s more than that, you were afraid to lash out, fear stopped you, why?” he asked he suspected he knew why but she needed to acknowledge it out loud,.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Oh. That. “We were beaten for it.” Tessan wouldn’t hit her, but the reactions were instinct now.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor was caught off guard and it showed, “That came out more easily than I was expecting it too.”

Dradvia sighed. “I told you, I had to figure this all out quickly. I couldn’t help the others if I didn’t.” But knowing how and why it happened didn’t make it go away.

He thought for a long moment on what to say next. “How often does it prevent you from speaking your mind? ” he asked

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia shrugged. “Sometimes every day, sometimes less.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor looked at her apologetically. “I’m sorry that I did not really grasp how much of this you have worked out already on your own.” he said.

Dradvia shrugged. “They never put it in my file. They just assume I’m saying what I think they want to hear.” She shrugged again. “Just because I know what’s wrong doesn’t mean I’m cured. I can know I have the flu, but that knowledge doesn’t kill the virus.”

Tealor noted something down and it took longer than normal. “Consider it in your file, and your right knowing does not cure it or make it easier” he noted. “But i’m still sorry you told me, and i listened but did not fully grasp the fullness of it.”

“I accept, but you don’t have to apologize. The first counselors weren’t wrong. Sometimes you can see the problem in others, but not in yourself.”

“Since you know the what, that’s the fist stage, now it’s time for stage 2. “he said. “We both know I would never intentionally hurt you, so I want you to push through next time, if you feel the need to back down for fear of punishment, then, knowing what you know push through and say or do it anyway.” he pushed another glass of water at her.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

She heard the slide of the glass and reached for it, knowing what he wanted. She took one single sip and put it back. “I try. Some people it’s easier with. Sometimes it’s,” Dradvia wasn’t one to lie so she finished the thought. “Sometimes it’s easy to hide from others I’m doing it. I’m a junior officer. Recently graduated. Everyone gives me orders, and I’m expected to follow. Even off duty. And insubordination is still not allowed.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“There is a difference between insubordination, and asserting yourself. ” he noted. “But my request still stands, I want you to assert yourself with me in the safety of the room. Consider this a rank free zone. I’m not your boss in here, it will be hard but it’s how you will move forward out of knowing, and into the next phase. “

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

That was easier said than done. She agreed though. “Okay.” Her breath shuttered. It was silent but tears still fell from her cheeks.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor noted down something and then looked at her. “Tell me, do you feel like we got anywhere today?” he asked

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia shurgged, “Not really.” Then she sighed, “Now you’re going to ask me why not.” She sniffed and wiped her eyes a bit. “I guess because I feel like I’m just going in circles.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Tealor smiled a little, “I was expecting you to say no, actually because all of this is very familiar for you. ” he stated. “A lot of this information is new to me, you also openly shared it , maybe under a little pleasure, but you shared it.” he said. “The more I know about you, the more you can tell me , the more I can tell you. ” he said taking a sip of his tea.

“As you stated, a lot of your doctors did not note some of these things, maybe because they did not think it helpful or important. But I find it all critical to finding a path forward for you. A place where your sense of awareness and need for security serves you, rather than the other way around”

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia nodded. Did it ever get better? There were days where she felt okay. Maybe not totally sage, but they were good days. They didn’t out weigh the bad though. Everyone talked about helping her, but then they would pass her on to another therapist that was ‘more qualified to assist with her trauma.’ Then she had to start all over again.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

He was not reading her mind at this point but he could feel the sense of abandonment. In context to what they were talking about he had to think why that would be, he suspected but at this point it was better to ask. “Why are you feeling abandoned? can you help me understand that?” he asked

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

“Is that how I’m feeling?” It wasn’t sarcastic, but a genuine question. She usually felt that when thinking about how no one ever came looking fir her and Kryssa. Maybe she had the labels a bit mixed up? “I was just…” she paused to wipe her face again. “All the doctors and counselors keep telling me they are going to help me. But then they refer me to someone else. They always say ‘more qualified’, but then I have to start over. Then when I think I might make progress it happens again.” She shrugged. It didn’t matter. It was just another order to follow through on. They felt like they did what was best and didn’t have to deal with her or her trauma any more.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“It felt like abandonment for me, and from what you described its sounds like it to me as well. ” he said with a hit of empathy in his voice. “Ensign,” he paused looking out the window. “I’m in this for as long as you want me to be,” he suggested. “I’m not going anywhere” he noted.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine

Dradvia nodded. “Okay.” She wasn’t really convinced though. She knew he meant it at the moment. That counted for something.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

He could feel her skepticism and her appreciation. “Even if one of us gets reassigned, there are ways for this to continue” he said, and the alarm for their session expired.

Dr Tealor Tessan
Chief Medical Officer U.S.S Wolverine