Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in So… This Is It

Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in So… This Is It

Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in So… This Is It
Posted by… suppressed (49) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Sisnil nodded. “Get Simon and we’ll do the garden program.” He said.

Dradvia took Simon out of the carrier and returned it to the supply room. That way they would know where it was if they ever needed it. She carried Simon with them, loving on him, and spoiling him with lots of baby talk and pets as they walked.

Then they arrived at the holodeck and let Simon out.

~ Zoi

Simon was delighted, and Dradvia always loved the program. Umbra found them almost immediately, and Dradvia gathered her up and buried her face in her fur. There was a churning down deep in her gut. She attested it to nervousness and guilt for Sisnil. She tried to convince herself she’d done everything she could. That he shouldn’t be alive at all. That if she hadn’t recognized he’d been poisoned he would have died. That she had found a doctor that could do the procedure. That the Psilosynine was successful. None of that made her feel any better.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil sensed her guilt and gave her one of his looks. “You know you’re right, I’d rather be blind than dead,” he said to her. “It… My vision went out after my heart stopped. I keep wondering if maybe I hadn’t…” He was referring to his panic over Noril’s safety.

~ Zoi

Dradvia shook her head, “No Sisnil, it doesn’t work that way. And even if that was true, then that means the poison was all attacking your heart, and you would have died. That means your worry over your brother saved your life.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil took her hand. “I hope you’re right.” He smiled a little, “We both did the best we could knowing what the odds were.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia nodded, but she didn’t smile. “I know, but I’ve never handled failure well. I was the only one among the slaves that seemed to know how to help the sick and injured. They all looked at me to help, and when I couldn’t…” her voice trailed off and she stared off into the trees.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil pulled her into him and hugged her. “I know, Dee.” He said softly. “I love you.”

~ Zoi

She laid her head against his shoulder for just a moment. The sadness was all consuming. She couldn’t make it right for anyone. It was never enough. She was never enough. “I love you, too.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You’re always enough for me, Dee, and that’s all that matters,” Sisnil said, responding to her thoughts.

~ Zoi

Dradvia smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. At least he thought so. “Can we go down by the pond?” She asked, changing the subject.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Of course,” Sisnil said. He headed with her towards the pond. When Simon noticed, he carried his toy in his mouth as he followed them.

~ Zoi

Dradvia held his hand to help him over the uneven parts. He was recovering quickly, and she had no doubt he would be just as fit and strong as ever. Simon darted by with his toy, and she laughed softly, more like the sound of a smile in her breathing than a full laugh.

When they got to the pond she lowered herself by the edge and slipped her boots off and stuck her toes in the water. Umbra was watching the koi dart back and forth. She wondered when Simon would notice them. Or maybe because they weren’t real, he wouldn’t.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Simon did notice them. He looked into the water and his eyes went really big, his head snapping back and forth with the fish.

Sisnil couldn’t sense holograms. He could hear the fish in the water, and he could sense Simon’s curiosity and hunting instinct. “Is Simon watching the fish?”

~ Zoi

Dradvia smiled as she watched him. “He is. His head is snapping back and forth like a released rubber band. And his eyes are solid black now. He dropped his toy and hasn’t noticed.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled. “He’s going to swipe now,” he said, and then, Simon did, reaching into the water towards a fish, causing them all to dart around.

~ Zoi

Dradvia didn’t laugh as Simon jumped and shook his paw in disgust at the splashed water. She was staring at Sisnil in wonder. “How did you know?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“My senses feel clearer, even sensing him,” Sisnil said with a shrug. “I sensed his desire to strike.”

~ Zoi

“Clearer?” She was puzzled, “Oh because they are all back to normal?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Well, yes, but… No, it’s actually easier to sense things.” Sisnil shrugged again, “Maybe it’s like those stories of blind people with really good hearing?”

~ Zoi

“Hmmm,” Dradvia thought for a moment. “Makes sense. You pay more attention to your other senses. The Aenar are blind, but are so intune with their telepathy they can see through their telepathy.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil nodded, “I’ve studied the Aenar. I had to.”

~ Zoi

“I studied everything I could about telepathy at first. I thought if I did, it would somehow make a difference for Kryssa.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled. “I bet she appreciated your trying.” He said. “It was part of my Syndicate training.”

~ Zoi

Kryssa was long gone by the time Dradvia reached Earth. But she hoped somewhere Kryssa knew. “I’m sorry they put you through that.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil shrugged. “Learning everything there is to know about telepathy in order to be more effective as a human weapon… Surprisingly, when I say it that way, is far from the worst thing they put me through.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia nodded. She understood. “It’s a matter of degrees.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil nodded and then was silent for several moments, staring off at nothing. “Noril and I…” He apparently changed his mind and said, “Well, let’s just say there are mistakes you only make once.”

~ Zoi

He could tell her anything. She wouldn’t judge, but there were somethings that were hard to talk about. So she just reached over and squeezed his hand.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil was tight-lipped. It was odd for him, as though listening to Dee reminded him of things he’d pushed away and out of his mind for years. And all of a sudden, sometimes, he’d remember something he’d all but forgotten.

~ Zoi

After a long drawn out, tense silence, Dradvia pulled her hand away, and shifted uncomfortably. He was upset, agitated, angry. Her stomach hurt. She was silent as she stood and moved away. How did she always manage to mess up? She was only trying to encourage him. Instead… instead she’d upset him. She wandered into the trees. He hated being blind, so she wouldn’t dare go far.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Dee? Where are you going?” Sisnil asked. “I’m not upset. Please, come back.” He reached towards the direction he could sense her in. “You did nothing wrong.”

~ Zoi

She stopped only a few feet from him. Her whole body shuddered. “You are upset. You’re angry and agitated.” She shouldn’t argue. She couldn’t stand the tone in his voice. “I just… I know it’s not my fault.” She had brought it up, unknowingly but still… “I just can’t. It makes me uncomfortable. You’re allowed to feel angry. I just want to wait… over there.” It wasn’t Sisnil’s fault. She wasn’t afraid or in denial of what he had been through. But the anger, the simmering, scared her. Not him, she just… had her own baggage.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Okay.” Sisnil didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. But he didn’t want to be alone either. He also didn’t want to seem like he couldn’t be alone so he just turned back to the water and tried to look like he was okay.

~ Zoi

That made her feel worse. Because she knew he wasn’t okay. She could go back over there, but he would know she wasn’t okay. She was scared and nervous. She slid down to the ground beside a tree. She was close enough to talk to, but space to allow him privacy.

This had to stop. He needed someone that could… could be not her. He deserved someone to have fun with, and understanding, and support. He needed someone who could give him everything. She had nothing to give him. He was so close to having it all back. She had to have done something wrong when she sent that message for him. She’d put his life in danger and ruined everything. He wanted a relationship, he deserved it, he was incredible, but she couldn’t give it to him, even if she wanted to.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Dee, please.” Sisnil’s telepathy felt stronger than usual. And her thoughts were breaking his heart. “I love you. You didn’t do anything wrong. Not then, not now.”

~ Zoi

Even if she hadn’t done anything wrong, she was still the wrong person. She knew it, so did Sisnil, he just didn’t want to acknowledge it. She’d been selfish. He liked her, wanted to spend time with her, didn’t want anything from her. She hadn’t felt so alone and isolated. She’d let it go to far. “You shouldn’t.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Yes, I should.” Sisnil said stubbornly. “You deserve love, Dee. Don’t let anything tell you otherwise.”

~ Zoi

Now she had upset him. She curled into herself and held her breath to stop the tears. “Okay.” But he deserved better. He deserved someone whole. Today just proved that could never be her. She shouldn’t be doing this right now… later when he was asleep and unaware. She should be helping him, not falling apart. She swallowed and chocked against the knot in her throat.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil came over to her, stumbling slightly over the ground, and knelt by her. “Dee, it’s okay,” he said, rubbing her hack gently. “It’s okay.”

~ Zoi

She gasped when he spoke so close to her. He’d made his way over there on his own. She knew he didn’t need help, he was just kind when she fussed. She shook her head roughly. “No, it’s not. It never will be. You should stay away from me.” The idea broke her heart, but she truly believed that was better for him. “I’ve led you on. I didn’t even know I was doing it. I was trying not to do that. It’s not okay. You deserve better. Someone whole and… and love you like you deserve. That’s not me, it never will be.” She wanted to be, more than she wanted anything else, but the reality was she wasn’t.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“No, you haven’t, I wanted this.” Sisnil said gently. “I don’t care what you think I deserve, I want you, no one else.” He hugged her carefully. “Remember when my telepathy was off and I felt your love?” He asked. “That shows me exactly how you feel about me. You do love me like I should be.”

~ Zoi

“But I can’t… show you. I can’t, Sisnil. I can’t even hug you. You have to hug me. Even if I want to, I can’t. It was beaten out of me. And it hurts you. I can see it in your face.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“And if I cared about that, I’d have said something by now,” Sisnil said. “A lot of things were beaten out of you. Doesn’t make me love you less.”

~ Zoi

She stared at the pond helplessly. He had said something. This morning. She knew he was trying to be supportive, but it allowed her to see what he hoped for. How he imagined having a future with her. At least to some extent. Did it make him think less of her? He said no, but how long could anyone love someone who had nothing to contribute to a relationship?

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You don’t contribute nothing,” Sisnil said. “Do you honestly think I’d be better off without you?”

~ Zoi

She didn’t want to say it, but she would be honest with him. “I think someone else could… could love you better. It doesn’t matter though. You’ll find them when you get back to Noril.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Well, you’re wrong.” Sisnil said, like it was obvious. “There is no you there. I want you.”

~ Zoi

Dee shuddered. It was like a command. He was so used to giving the orders, he thought he could order the universe around. She loved his confidence. “But I can’t go with you. Don’t waste your life on me. You should be happy… or at least find it where you can.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil shook his head. “Don’t pull away from me, Dee… Please. I don’t know what I’ll do if I can go back, but right now, I need and want you.”

~ Zoi

“I promised. I won’t leave you alone.” Even if she thought she was hurting him more by doing so. She loved him. She knew she did, even if she never experienced it before. She wouldn’t leave him alone and isolated. She would just have to be more careful not to give him false hope.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil hugged her. “Good. I hope you realize you deserve to be loved.”

~ Zoi

Maybe she did, didn’t everyone? Didn’t she want to be? Yes. She just didn’t think Sisnil deserved to be stuck with her. She stayed curled up as he hugged her. It was such a simple thing, why couldn’t she do it?

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“It’s okay,” Sisnil said softly. Simon wandered over to them and nosed her hand, then licked her.

~ Zoi

No, it wasn’t, not to her. The rough texture of Simon’s tongue drew her attention. Her hand turned over and her fingers ran through Simon’s fur. Giving him the attention he wanted. At least she could sit there with him. Or was that beaten into her too? Did she even know the difference between free choice and training?

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“The same could be said about me, you know.” Sisnil said in response to her thoughts. “I wasn’t trained to be a slave, I was trained to be a weapon.”

~ Zoi