Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in One Step at a Time

Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in One Step at a Time

Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in One Step at a Time
Posted by… suppressed (10) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Sisnil looked at her for a long, quiet moment, and then kissed her, really kissed her, making it long and slow.

~ Zoi

Dradvia panicked. She didn’t want to, but she did. She had no positive experience with this sort of thing. She didn’t fight or refuse; she was conditioned not to, but inside the initial panic was like a wrecking ball. It didn’t take but a handful of heartbeats for her mind to compare Sisnil to her experience with Lokhar. They were polar opposites. Sisnil was kind, gentle, safe. She shouldn’t be comparing them. Isn’t that what her books said. A kiss from someone who loved you would make you forget everything. Erase all the bad? So she was too broken then.

She did not know how to respond, that despite her failure she wasn’t refusing. Her hands flexed on his arms, letting him anchor her. She knew he could feel her panic and hear her thoughts. Please don’t hate me, became the silent mantra in the back of her mind.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

As soon as he sensed her panic he stopped and nuzzled his head against hers instead. She felt his instant regret and guilt. There was no anger or anything else towards her. “Dee, I’m sorry, I should’ve thought before I did that.”

~ Zoi

Shame, guilt, and a sense of inadequacy filled her. She wanted to run, to hide from him, from herself. She couldn’t though. She’d promised him she wouldn’t do that again.

He was sorry and guilty and that just compounded her wrongness and guilt. She didn’t want him to be sorry. She had hurt him again. Made him regret it. It would be the most precious moment she would ever have, and she’d made him regret it, apologize for it. She had hurt him. He shouldn’t love her. He shouldn’t regret it. He didn’t do anything wrong. She did.

“Please don’t.” Her heart cried the plea.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil hugged her tightly. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” He said to her. “And I’m going to love you no matter how many times you panic.”

~ Zoi

She shook her head ‘no’ so hard she might hurt herself. She cried, her voice high, tight. And strained.l, anguished, “I don’t want to make you feel guilty! You didn’t do anything wrong!” Lokhar did that. Blamed her for things beyond her control, for things she couldn’t possibly predict or influence. He controlled her that way. She wouldn’t do that to anyone, especially Sisnil. She would break her promise and leave him alone first.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Dee, no, you can’t leave me alone,” Sisnil said, his voice a harsh whisper. “You know why you can’t do that.” He hugged her again and shook his head. “I just want you happy and comfortable.”

~ Zoi

“I CAN’T! I CAN’T DO THAT TO YOU!” He didn’t understand! Everything she did hurt him and manipulated him. She didn’t want to. She was poisoned, seeping out the filth that Lokhar had forced fed her all those years. She couldn’t fake being comfortable or happy with Sisnil. He would always know, and she would always hurt him.

Pulling up her knees and hugging them, she hid her face. She wouldn’t leave him, she’d promised, but, “I’m not good for you.” Her voice was muffled but clear enough. “It hurts you. I hurt you every time I act wrong. Love isn’t supposed to be like that.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You don’t act wrong.” Sisnil said. “You have reactions you can’t help based on your past.” He hugged her again. “And so will I. Maybe not like yours but, Dee, that’s how it is. You’ll get better.”

~ Zoi

It did no good to ask him what if she didn’t get better. He would just tell her again he would wait. It didn’t matter to ask him for how long. She knew. Until he could get home to Noril. Sooner or later he would, and that would be how long. It wouldn’t matter if she was better or not. As long as she didn’t leave him alone while he was here. “I shouldn’t react that way to you.” She wanted to ask how he would react and to what. She didn’t want to pry, she knew how hard it was to admit.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You know I can’t talk about that,” Sisnil whispered gently, though in his voice was… something she’d never heard from him before.

She knew he couldn’t, and she wasn’t asking him to tell her. The tone in his voice pulled her eyes up to his face. Tentatively, timidly she reached over and squeezed his hand in understanding.

“Maybe not, but you…” He looked at her. “I heard your thoughts, saw…” He shook his head. “I don’t blame you.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia looked away. “Please don’t.” She had never minded that Sisnil could hear her thoughts. She liked it. It reminded her of Kryssa. Now she never wanted him to hear her thoughts again. “Please… I can’t… can’t stand it. I don’t want you to know… to see… me.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

That seemed to hurt him more than anything she’d ever said or done. “Why not?” He asked gently, carefully, not wanting to make things worse.

~ Zoi

She dared to look up at him, briefly. “For the same reasons you won’t talk about things. Because… because…” Her voice trailed off, “I don’t want you to see me as… as… a slave.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil gave her a confused look. “I don’t see you as a slave, Dee. If I did, why would I keep pushing you to make your own choices? Even if I don’t like them?”

~ Zoi

Dradvia shook her head. That wasn’t what she meant. “No. Not… not like that. I… I don’t want you to,” she searched for words, “know what I was like as a slave. To know the things I did, to know what he did to me. I don’t want you to know. I don’t want you to see what I was.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil could relate to that. He couldn’t tell her what he was like as a Syndicate operative either. Things weren’t done to him… Well, they were, but for him it was more about what he had done to others. “I try not to pry into things you’re not ready to tell me,” Sisnil said. “Sometimes I do see things by accident because the Syndicate… They used me to do that, to dig through peoples’ minds. Or to use my abilities to inflict emotional harm.”

~ Zoi

“I know.” The words were simple but were heavy. It was what Lokhar had wanted Kryssa for when he realized she was Betazoid. “I know you can hear my thoughts and sense my emotions. I don’t mind, it is part of you. Just… I don’t want you to know. It’s too shameful, too horrific. I don’t want you to see that part of me.” She hated he knew she was comparing them. That every moment, even the most wonderous between them, was shadowed by her memories and trauma. That she couldn’t let go and just give him what he wanted. That she feared the consequences even though she believed and knew completely Sisnil wouldn’t harm her.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I hope you know it doesn’t change a thing between us,” he said softly. “I just wish I wasn’t… Who I am.” He looked at her with another of those looks she’d never seen on him. “I don’t think it helps you, my being from where I am.”

~ Zoi

“It doesn’t hurt me. It helps.” She didn’t want him thinking like that. “No one else understands or tries. It’s… It’s a game to them. A fictional story to explore and manipulate.” She shuddered as a thought occurred to her. “Do you think Stevens would be kind? Understanding?” She shook her head. “If he knew what I had been, he would demand everything. He would expect it, that I did it once I can choose to do it again. That I should choose to do it again. I didn’t die from it, so it wasn’t that bad.” He had only been interested in her because she was Risan and he thought she would be extremely permissive.

Sisnil scoffed, “I wouldn’t trust Stevens with anyone with a past.” He said, shaking his head.

“90% of all the people I met during that time, were owned by the Syndicate in one way or another. I can’t look down on someone else that had as little choice as I did.” The whole time she spoke she’d held his hand. Trying to comfort him. “You understand, you know. Not because you are telepathic, but because of where you are from.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil hugged her again, gently. “I know, I just… I wasn’t… They didn’t own me like they owned you.” It wasn’t true, he didn’t have a choice, but his mind wasn’t ready to accept that he was just another kind of object to them, to be forced to be used and then discarded. The discarding hadn’t happened yet.

~ Zoi

Dradvia sighed, recognizing that he wasn’t ready. She had seen it before. “No, not quite the same. But you know, just as I know. That’s why we can be around each other.”

She didn’t look up when she asked. “Will you miss me?” She hated her voice broke. “When you leave? Will you ever think about me?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“All the time,” Sisnil said, touching her face gently again. “It will be hard to leave you here, with these… these v’latak dar,” he whispered to her. It was an Orion word she’d have heard frequently, a crass and highly offensive term meaning essentially, disloyal swine of low moral fibre. “who can’t keep you safe.”

~ Zoi

She hated that language, but the tone behind it filled her with warmth. Dradvia closed her eyes and leaned in close to him. “Safety is an illusion. I know that.” She was so close they were sharing the same breaths. “I will miss you every hour, but you have to go.” She didn’t want him to stay for her or think she was asking.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I’ll be a fugitive. And not like I already was, but… They’ll be looking for me.” He chuckled lightly, “I suppose that’s not as bad as being hunted by the Syndicate. The Federation will just shoot me.”

~ Zoi

“The Syndicate will take care of you as long as you are loyal.” Sisnil was in good standing still. They would put him to work elsewhere, unless they… well she couldn’t think about that.

She looked at him briefly, then closed her eyes, every cell of her self focused on him. “Sisnil?”
Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer