Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in One Step at a Time

Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in One Step at a Time

Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in One Step at a Time
Posted by… suppressed (119) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
He shrugged, “Probably.” Sisnil let Simon climb on his shoulders and then cleared their trays. “What do you want to do?” He asked Dradvia.

~ Zoi

Dradvia noticed how Sisnil always took their trays. She wondered if it was deliberate, so she would know she didn’t have to serve him. Or was it just because it was who he was? Either way, it was an appreciated gesture. She met him at the door.

She shrugged at his question. “I don’t know. I… well I really don’t do much but sit in my room and read when I’m off duty.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Come oooon, you had to have liked something,” Sisnil said, meaning before she was taken.

~ Zoi

Dradvia was lost in remembering for a handful of moments. “I used to go to the beach and the gem mines. I would use what I found to make jewelry. I babysat to make money to buy supplies. We would go to the market. We could spend all day there just watching and browsing. I was in a book club at the library.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Hmmm.... Why don’t we walk a beach program? I’m sure I don’t have to specially program that.” Sisnil said, though he had another idea that did need preparation.

~ Zoi

“No, there are plenty to choose from.” The computer’s library was massive. She turned toward the lift. She wasn’t exactly dressed for the beach in her uniform. It would be fine, she didn’t exactly have anything else to wear.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“What do you wear besides your uniforms?” Sisnil asked her as they headed into the holodeck. He picked a program and set it.

~ Zoi

“Oh… ummm…” she flushed a little, “pajamas. I don’t really need anything else. I… I don’t like to be around a lot of people off duty. I had to replicate what I wore down on the planet.” Her uniform gave her a degree of protection when she wasn’t on the ship. People saw the uniform and not the person.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Hmmm.....” Was that… A flash of mischief on his face? He was certainly planning something. He patted her shoulder and grinned. “Come on, show me what you like to do.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia gave him a puzzled and slightly worried look. What was he up to? She walked into the holodeck and looked around. She closed her eyes and stood there listening to the waves and feeling the salt air on her skin, the breeze in her hair. After a deep breath she opened her eyes and walked toward the surf. “We used to come and look for shells, sea glass, sometimes I would find feathers. We would spend the whole day. We’d swim and make sand sculptures. Sometimes we’d stay after dark and have a bonfire. All of us together.” She walked as she spoke, picking up shells as she went.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil walked with her. He didn’t much like the beach, but he wouldn’t show that. “That sounds nice,” he said.

~ Zoi

“It was. There were always families there. On vacations, celebrating, being together. So we kind of made our own little traditions. All we had was each other. There was a boy, Rou, he never joined us. Said he was waiting for his family to adopt him, then he would have traditions. He grew up, never got adopted, he had to leave the orphanage. He was really bitter.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil nodded. “Children are naive and hopeful. It’s still sad he never was, but let’s be honest, most kids aren’t.” He and Noril wasn’t. No one looking to adopt kids wanted troubled twins.

~ Zoi

“People want babies. No one wants more than one.” Dradvia shrugged. “Baby Elise was adopted, but Kimmel, her older brother wasn’t. He told Ms. Lyta to let her be adopted. Better one of them. They never brought her back to visit or let him see her. It’s tragic.”

She stopped to pick up a shell. She turned it over in her hands. “I always wanted a family of my own. We all did. You can’t help but want it. To belong. But… but the adults, they think they can just erase what we had together. As if all that time meant nothing. Like we didn’t live before they take a child home. It’s cruel in a way. Though I’m sure they don’t mean to be.” She stood and tossed the shell into the waves.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“They don’t. They just… They don’t want to think about the baggage kids have.” Sisnil shrugged. “Noril and I had each other. That’s all we ever needed.” The way he said it, Dee would know that was what they had told each other over and over again.

~ Zoi

Dradvia looked over at him. She reached over and squeezed his hand. “That’s what Kryssa and I told ourselves too. As long as we were together, we could handle anything.” They had been so wrong. “Kryssa designed fabric. Beautiful designs and textures. I… I used to have a shawl she made me. It was beautiful, soft, and so warm.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I wish I could get it back for you,” Sisnil said, knowing it was likely long gone. He squeezed her hand gently. “We could, though, the two of us. Handle anything.”

~ Zoi

“It was burned when Lokhar took us. You can’t get it back. And Ms. Lyta has surely given away or tossed anything we left behind. All I have now are my memories.” But they all led to that one horrible last memory of Kryssa. She looked out at the ocean. “Kryssa could have painted this beach in her fabrics,” she said on a whisper.

“You could. Not sure about me. I mean, I could heal you when you got hurt or sick,” Dradvia shrugged awkwardly. She had value, she just had to keep telling herself that.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil tugged her toward him and hugged her. “Good, because we do that a lot. Always have.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia stumbled slightly in the sand as he suddenly tugged her towards him. She didn’t fall, instead she was caught in his arms, held against his chest. Simon sniffed her forehead. Sisnil’s sudden closeness warmed her against the chill of the ocean breeze, and she settled closely against him. “Always?” She knew his life was dangerous, but… but it made her sick with worry suddenly. “I don’t suppose it will do any good to make you promise to be careful?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I can promise to try,” Sisnil said gently. He pulled up a sleeve and showed her a scar on his upper arm. “I was six when this happened. We couldn’t get medical care but it wouldn’t stop bleeding so we glued it.”

~ Zoi

Her fingers traced the scar slowly, as if she could heal it simply by wishing. It reminded her of the other slaves and herself that she had nursed. Never any medical care, doing the best she could for them. “You’re lucky it worked. It could have continued to bleed internally. That was good instinct though. Primitive but actually an old method to seal incisions. How did you get hurt?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Trying to steal food,” he admitted with a shrug. “It’s only still so visible because that’s how it healed.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia hugged him tightly, understanding what it meant to be hungry. Then she pulled back as far as his hold would allow. “I could fix the scar for you.” She stared at the scar, her thumb running over the mark slowly.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

He smiled. Her touch was gentle, soft. The feeling in his arm was numbed over the scar, but not around it. “Did you fix yours? When you joined the Fleet?”

~ Zoi

Dradvia looked away as she stepped back from him. She hugged herself, feeling cold in the breeze now. “The doctors healed what they could. Most are internal. I would need several surgeries to fix them all. A few…” Her voice dropped to less than a whisper, her voice tight, “I ummm… I couldn’t let the doctors near.” She swallowed hard. “The worst though can’t be fixed. Lokhar had… a doctor. He… he liked to experiment on us. Instead of healing our injuries… he,” she swallowed hard, staring out at the ocean, letting the breeze sting the tears from her eyes, “left permanent scars inside us.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“That’s not a doctor. That’s a torturer with medical training,” Sisnil said firmly, taking her hand. “Okay, let me change my question. Would you feel better if I let you fix them?”

~ Zoi

She had to fight the urge to take her hand back. It wasn’t that she disliked him holding her hand, but the memories made her feel exposed, raw, afraid. They made her skittish to be touched. She looked at him from the corner of her eye. She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyed. “No. It’s healed and obviously not slowed you down or left noticeable disability. Scars have meaning, like tattoos. To keep them or not is up to you. It would only make me feel better if I knew it would increase your quality of life.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled. “Then I don’t mind them being there.” He looked at her. It was a long, adoring look. “One day you’ll see all of them.” He said softly. If only he’d known that wouldn’t happen the way he was imagining it.

~ Zoi

The look made her stomach flip and her heart race as she looked back at him. His words, especially the way he said it, turned her red and made her shidy on her feet nervously until she managed to look away. She knew what he meant, and it filled her with guilt. She couldn’t, but he kept wishing that would change. She hugged herself as she looked at the sea as it ran sadly away from the shore - the tide never belonging anywhere. Wishing would never fix her enough to give him what he wanted. Her heart ached horribly. She was leading him on without trying or meaning to. There was no way to fix it without breaking her promise. She would not do that.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Please, Dee, don’t worry so much. I’m not rushing you. Just letting you know I’m going to keep waiting for you.” Sisnil said, hugging her to him.

~ Zoi

He had his arms around her again. It made her fidgety and her stomach uneasy. It was overwhelming for her. She didn’t protest. She could give him this, she couldn’t endure her own discomfort and broken instincts to help him feel better. He said he would wait, but he wouldn’t be on Wolvie that long, and no matter how many times he said it, Dradvia would never go with him, back to the Syndicate. The least she could do was let him hug her when he needed

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Dee,” Sisnil said softly, letting her go when he sensed how uncomfortable she was, “I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I’m not even sure when we’ll stop somewhere like that again.”

~ Zoi

She took a single step back for balance. The tension in her lowered significantly. The overwhelming feeling ebbing. “I know.” Sooner or later though. She would miss him, but she was filled with hope from him.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“And you know… If I try to get away and fail, I could go to Federation prison.” Sisnil sighed. It was the most worried about something he’d ever seemed.

~ Zoi

Her hand gently touched his upper arm. “Then we can’t fail.” It was that simple, but difficult to achieve. Dradvia knew that. She said ‘we’, but she knew it was all up to Sisnil. She wouldn’t know how to start, but she would help as best as she could.

She lowered herself to the sand and sat cross-legged. She scooped sand into a pile in front of her and began to shape and mold it like it was clay. “Were there beaches where you grew up?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil sat down next to her. “Yes. But I didn’t live close, so we didn’t often go.” He said, shrugging. He watched as she started to build with the sand.

~ Zoi

“On Risa, everything is close. In a way it’s nice, but in others, it takes away the beauty of things. Things that are easy to get have less value. You take what is readily accessible for granted.” Dradvia packed the sand and used her nails to scoop and trace out shapes. She could have asked the computer for tools, but she didn’t want to do that.

She wasn’t making a castle like most people would. Slowly through the curved lines and delicate removal of small amounts of sand, a flower started to form. “Is there anywhere special you would want to go back to? To see again?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil considered it. “Of all the things I’ve seen.... I mean, I’ve seen beautiful things, Dee. Beautiful places. The best this galaxy has to offer.... And the worst of it, too.” He frowned and held her hand. “When I see the good, it reminds me of the bad. Eventually all the places look like places and when I go back there’s… Nothing there. And the places in the past, my past that I might visit… They are gone.”

~ Zoi

He was holding her hand again, but she didn’t notice. It just felt right, and he did it with such ease that it didn’t draw attention. Even if she wasn’t conscious of it, Sisnil could feel the way it soothed her. “I feel that way, sort of. Anywhere I might want to see, might as well be destroyed. I can’t go back.” They would look for her there.

“I guess, for me, it’s more a time, but I can’t Time travel, so it’s a place. There was this artesian street in the market. There was this little shop it was always changing. Tourists that decided they lived Risa and would stay. They would open a business, but soon tire of the vacation paradise. Kryssa and I,” a smile crossed her face, lit her eyes, filled her with anticipation and hope. A glimpse of the child who had a good future planned. “We were going to open a shop of our own there. I was going to make jewelry and Kryssa would make her fabrics and make clothes.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled and squeezed her hand. “I see.” He smiled and looked at her. “I don’t really… Craft. Can you imagine me holding dainty little needles and making earrings or sewing fabrics?”

~ Zoi

Dradvia looked at him, a mischievous gleam came to her eyes. “Of course. All the great pirates made accessories of their riches, and with no domesticated women on board they had to repair their own clothing.” She covered her mouth in a dramatically inhaled breath. “Oh dear, you can’t do that? Tsk tsk, you aren’t the greatest pirate.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Oh?’ sisnil scooped her towards him and lay her against him, standing close to her. “Then Dee, you’ve got things to teach me.”

~ Zoi

Dee swallowed a gasp as he pulled her onto him. She froze, barely breathing, but her heart racing out of control. His voice shivered over her skin and down her spine. She was lost in the depths of his black eyes and wanted to stay that way. “Teach you?” What could she possibly teach him? Though she was sure he could show her a lot.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“To make beautiful adornments and lovely fineries out of my treasures, Dee,” Sisnil said softly.

~ Zoi

His voice was so soft she more felt it than heard it. “But you don’t have any treasures here,” she sounded reasonable as he voice feathered out. Inside though, was disappointment. If there was nothing to make she couldn’t spend more time with him.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“We have the holodeck. I have whatever I want to have,” Sisnil replied, grinning.

~ Zoi

Oh. His proximity seemed to make her muddled. All her brain seemed to be able to process was how close he was holding her. “What do you want?” She had no idea why that question made her stomach erupt like millions of butterflies lived there.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You tell me, Sisnil said, smiling at her. “What do you want to teach me to make?”

~ Zoi

Tell him? He was the mind reader not her. She flushed suddenly because she was sure his thoughts would make her feel very shy and inadequate (through no fault of his).

She’d lost the trail of the conversation while her mind raced down a very different track than making jewelry. She stammered, blushing, knowing he knew. Tilting her head back, (she didn’t want him to let go) her eyes skimmed over him. “Do you ever wear jewelry?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil chuckled lightly. “Sometimes. Necklaces, rings, that sort of thing. I was never into piercings.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia could think of all types of things to make for him, but what could she teach him to make? “What about Noril? Does he? Do either of you like a particular gemstone?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“He wears the same kinds of things I do…” Sisnil grinned, “I guess we’re a little cliche for twins.” He shrugged, “Your choice.”

~ Zoi

Her mouth pursed into a little bow as she thought and then she shot him a very stern and suspicious look. “No peeking at my thoughts. I want it to be a surprise.”

Sisnil grinned and laughed. “You have my word. I won’t ruin your surprise.”

“When would you like to make it?” She was still laid closely against him. The conversation distracting her from being anxious and uneasy. Instead he could feel her starting to relax.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Anytime you want. Whenever you have a day off shift, maybe.” Sisnil hugged one arm around her. “I wish I had a picture to show you of him.”

~ Zoi

“I thought you were identical twins? I mean personalities are different, but physically I thought you were similar.” She was contemplative. “Could you use your likeness and use the holodeck?:

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“We are,” Sisnil said, “So you know what his features look like, sure. But how he carries and presents himself? That is different from me. Very different.” He considered it. “Is it possible? Yeah. Do I want to? …I don’t know.”

~ Zoi

“Then don’t. I don’t want to make you sad again.” Dradvia understood. Well she supposed she didn’t. It was hard to remember Kyrssa. She could ask the computer to make her likeness, but it would hurt too much. It was worse for Sisnil, she was sure. Noril was not just his real brother, but his twin. Dradvia could only imagine how much worse Sisnil’s grief was, knowing Noril was alive, but he couldn’t reach him.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sometimes, he could swear he could sense Noril, just barely, just the slightest wisp of his presence, but it would always fade, just a brief ghost of what had been there all his life. He smiled sadly and extended that feeling to Dee.

It was a devastating loneliness along with a powerful longing, reaching constantly for something that was too far away to reach, like a cell phone searching for signal in the middle of a vast desert. There was a scant hope mixed throughout, because Noril was alive, there was the ever present chance Sisnil might see him again. But that hope was perhaps the most painful part of all, as he grappled with his mind that it would never happen.

That soul crushing loneliness hit her, and an anguished cry slipped from between her lips as she began to cry. Dradvia laid her head on his shoulder and hugged him. The feeling left her needing some kind of connection, even one that wasn’t even a band-aid.

Then it all faded from her, and he smiled sadly again and hugged her. “I am always sad, Dee.”

~ Zoi

“I know,” her voice feathered warmly across his neck. She wanted to make him less sad not more, but she knew she would never be enough to do that. That intense agony was why she wouldn’t leave him alone. Even if she would always disappoint him, she couldn’t let him suffer alone. She would stay near him until he could go home.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil hugged her gently and rested his head on her. “You do make me less sad,” he said in response to her thoughts, pulling away just enough to look at her.

~ Zoi

Less sad was good. It wasn’t happy, but Dradvia wasn’t sure happiness was more than a lie most of the time. She looked back at him, and smiled sadly. “I’m glad I help a little.” In the silent stare that followed, she became instantly aware and uncomfortably anxious with how close they were and they way he was holding her. She fought the urge to scramble away. It wasn’t him, well it was, but not in a bad way.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled, one of those teasing, cute grins. “Do you want me to let you go?”

~ Zoi

She was going to chew through her lip, worrying it between her teeth. She looked like she was trying to figure out what the right answer was. But he was giving her one of those looks that made her fuzzy headed and her stomach flop. “I… I don’t know.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil chuckled and then hugged her tightly. “Then I’m going decide for you and say no.”

~ Zoi

It was a horrible feeling. The ease letting him decide caused, but then the self-doubt that quickly followed. She wasn’t supposed to let anyone make decisions for her anymore. Even over trivial things like someone offering her a desert or refilling her water without asking.

But Dradvia didn’t know what she wanted, except she wanted to be able to trust him, for small and big things. That was paralyzing frightening though.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil just let her think. He wasn’t a shrink, he wasn’t sure what to say to help her. He just hoped his being there was enough.

~ Zoi

It was complicated. Tessan had asked her if she wanted to change herself, learn to be more trusting. Dradvia had told him no. If she wasn’t wary of everyone and every place, it just made it easier for the Syndicate to take her again.

It wasn’t that she wanted to live her life like that. Always afraid, no connections, never enjoying visiting new places. More than all that, she wanted to stay out of the Syndicate’s control. Sisnil being here just proved that the Syndicate could find her anywhere. Anyone else, and she had been afraid at first, would have taken her and run back for the reward.

She could never go back with Sisnil. It would destroy her to go and break her if she didn’t. She liked being close to him, but she was afraid of it too. It was just complicated.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil looked at her with a sad expression. “If you ever want me to back off, all you have to do is tell me.”

~ Zoi

She glanced at him. “I know,” she said sadly, “I just don’t know if I would be brave enough to say it.” Dradvia knew nothing about relatio ships or how to navigate them. She had never been given any kind of true affection or care. She knew she was already afraid of losing Sisnil’s kindness. “That’s not your responsibility though. That’s mine.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Well,” Sisnil brushed his fingers around her face gently, “I would know.”

~ Zoi

That single delicate caring touch, mixed with his words and his nearness shifted something inside her. It rocked the foundation of rubble her life stood upon. It brought her feelings into stark focus in her mind, churned her stomach like dropping on a rollar coaster, her heart pounded, and she felt like she had low blood sugar.

Tears filled her eyes. Not from fear or sadness, but overwhelm. She pressed herself against his chest, into his arms, her face hidden against his shoulder. It was too much to focus on or really do anything with for Dradvia anyway. But she was willingly seeking comfort from Sisnil, trusting completely at that moment.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil hugged her tight, pressing her to him. He was quiet, resting his head against her. Letting her feel what needed feeling on her own.

~ Zoi

Dradvia lost track of time. It could have been seconds or hours that they sat on the fake beach, and she held on to him. She wouldn’t let herself think because then the fear and anxiety would flood back. She would lose that blissful sense of belonging and safety she had. Time couldn’t freeze, she knew that, but she couldn’t let her mind think about reality yet.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil stayed that way until it simply wasn’t comfortable anymore. He shifted carefully, trying not to disturb her, but it would be obvious he was trying to move.

~ Zoi

Hyperawareness was awful. The moment Sisnil shifted, reality crashed around her as if she had been moved by the snap of a Q’s fingers. Dradvia sat up, scrambling back instantly. “I’m sorry.” She wasn’t really sure for what, but that still damaged part of her told her she had better apologize immediately. She closed her eyes to keep more tears at bay and to stop herself from running. From embarrassment, confusion, and whatever emotion was making her cry.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Sisnil reminded her gently. He folded his legs differently and then hugged her to him again. “Dee, I-” he cut himself off and smiled at her. “Stay here as long as you want, okay?”

~ Zoi

She knew that, but she still hated she had to be reminded that she didn’t have to be sorry. A silent sight of relief left her as she relaxed back against him. She tried to give him a puzzled look, but he was hugging her close and she couldn’t quite turn her head that way. He what?

“That’s not fair, Sisnil. I can’t read your thoughts. Even if I don’t say something, you still know. I don’t.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil grinned sheepishly, loosening his grip so she could look at him. “Are you sure you want to know?” He asked, smiling at her with an adoring, almost happy look in his eye.

~ Zoi

Dradvia gave that awkward little shrug. “Yes, I think.” She put her head back on his shoulder. It was a little easier that way. “Not knowing things makes me anxious. Makes me worry about what is going to happen. But knowing may be uncomfortable.” Knowing her luck it was embarrassing and unfamiliar. Sisnil tended to do that to her, not that that was bad.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I love you, Dee. That’s what I was thinking.” His voice was soft and gentle, his black eyes searching her face with… A hint of vulnerability?

~ Zoi

Dradvia sat up really quickly, bumping him in the process. She stared at him, not sure she had heard him right. Had she day dreamed about it? Yes. She never expected it to be true.

She loved him, and he knew it. At least she thought what she was feeling was love. She really didn’t have any reference. She loved Kryssa, but what she felt for Sisnil wasn’t exactly the same.

His proclamation made her heart race, her face flush, and she had that same feeling of shifting foundation from earlier. “Oh… ummm… why? I mean what?” She looked away, blinking back tears. “I… ummm… what am I supposed to say? Or… uh… do?” Sisnil could feel the effect his words had on her. She wasn’t rejecting him at all. The only person whoever said he lived her was, Lokhar. Dradvia knew that wasn’t a guide map for relationships. She wasn’t sure what was normal though. She wanted Sisnil to help her navigate it all.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil chuckled lightly. “You don’t have to do anything. Or say anything.” He hugged her close. “There’s no right thing to say or do.”

~ Zoi

That didn’t feel right. Dradvia wanted to at least say something. But what was evading her. Did she say she loved him? She thought she did, but what if she was wrong? Sisnil would know how she felt. If she was wrong in identifying what she felt, would he think she said it because she felt she had to say it? She knew she wanted to be around him. She thought about him a lot. He made her smile and feel safe. She liked his sense of humor and the way he teased her. She liked the way he was with Simon.

She sighed, it was a content sound, as she relaxed against him. He was warm against the simulated breeze. “But there are wrong things?” She asked, voicing her worry.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil chuckled and shook his head. “Sure, but I don’t think you’re going to say any of them.” He gave her a mock worried look, “Unless you’re secretly in love with someone else?”

~ Zoi

“No!” Dradvia shook her head vehemently. “No, just you.” She turned red and glanced down. When she spoke again, it was just more than a whispet. “At least, I think I love you.” She was confused and lost and overwhelmed and self-conscious. “That’s horrible of me to say. I just, never had anyone before. I don’t really know what it is.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled at her. “You know I know how you feel. But this is something you need to sort out for yourself. I can’t tell you.”

~ Zoi

“I know.” She glanced up at him through her lashes. “I don’t want you to. I just,” she shrugged self-consciously again, “want to be honest. I don’t want you to feel it means nothing to me. You mean a lot to me, and it’s wonderful but scary too.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I know,” Sisnil said softly. “And that’s okay.”

~ Zoi

“Is it?” She didn’t believe it. Not that he was lying, but in the end, the universe was harsh. “I told you, I don’t have anything to give you. Nothing normal. I don’t know if I ever will. You’re leaving.” She set a hand over his to stop the denial. “Maybe not soon, but you will. I know enough to know I can’t rush, I can’t force myself. It would end horribly for us both. You would resent me, and I would never forgive myself. The ship is full of people who would willingly share companionship with you. People you wouldn’t have to wait for. People who aren’t,” she swallowed tears, “who aren’t broken. Maybe it wouldn’t be love, but… it could be. The way you deserve.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“People who wouldn’t understand a damn thing about my past or my life. About the choices I’ve made and been forced to make. No thanks.” Sisnil said, shaking his head.

She opened her mouth to argue. If not some who understood, then someone for companionship. He could find someone in his real life, someone like Vash, who understood and lived the life. Someone who would stay with him. He grabbed her hand and it halted the tumble of words

He took her hand gently. “You can’t stop me from wanting you.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia raised her eyes to his. “I know. I would never want to make you stop or do anything against what you want for yourself. I just…” she searched for a way to word it, “I want you to be happy, and I’m not sure I can do that with you.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“What makes you think that?” Sisnil asked softly, looking at her. “What is it you think I need so much?”

~ Zoi

She gave him a pained embarrassed look. She’d told him already, and it was uncomfortable to discuss. “Affection, intimacy, some kind of permanence. Aren’t those inherent when two people love each other? I mean real love, not just words?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You don’t think you give affection?” Sisnil asked, looking at her. “Does intimacy have to look the way you’re thinking it does?”

~ Zoi

She shrugged again. These were hard topics, but she didn’t feel unable to talk to him. “I don’t know if I do. I can be compassionate; I genuinely care about people. I feel,” she searched for the word but couldn’t find it. “The only person I ever shared my feelings with was Kryssa. This isn’t the same. We grew up together. I knew how to comfort her, how to make her laugh, how to help her.” Well until… until they were taken. Then there was nothing she could do for Kryssa. “I don’t know anything about showing affection. As for intimacy… that’s what it is. I… I can’t.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You show it all the time, Dee,” Sisnil said. “Physical… relationships have nothing to do with intimacy. I’ve had plenty of that.”

She looked away. She was going to disappoint him then.

He looked at her and shrugged, “Sure, I miss that, but that’s not intimacy, not really.”

~ Zoi

“Then what is it?” Because she didn’t know.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil considered it for a second. “Well… It’s this. Emotional intimacy is far more fulfilling and you’ve proven you can do that.” He put his hands on her shoulders and looked her in the eye. “You are not a disappointment, Dee.”

~ Zoi

Did she do that? Could she? Intimacy needed trust. She trusted Sisnil, but was she capable of giving him the type of trust he was implying? She wanted to, but she wasn’t capable of that anymore.

She blinked, caught in the fathomless depths of his eyes as he looked at her. Her own tearing again. “Are you sure?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

There was something about his eyes, as if he were somehow hundreds of years old and had seen it all. Even though that wasn’t true at all. “Yes.” He said with absolute certainty. “I am.”

~ Zoi

No one, no one, had ever said that to her. Dradvia had lived her whole life knowing she had been a disappointment. Her mother had left her, days after being born, with a note that listed her date a birth, that her parents were Risan, and ‘she wasn’t what I wanted’ written on it. Years of being paraded in front of potential parents and families and always being passed over. Then the endless punishments Lokhar inflicted to ‘help her do better.’

Sisnil was shifting her foundation again. Making the unstable ground fall away. Filling up the cracks little by little. She curled into herself, which was awkward and not quite possible the way her was holding her. She wanted to curl into his arms, against his chest, and believe it the way he did. She was too shy to ask him to hold her, and too scared and uncertain to simply let herself do it. She closed her eyes, tears slipping from the corners.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil pulled her towards him and hugged her tightly. “You’re better than anyone I could’ve hoped to be with.” He said, and he meant it. He could get someone who didn’t have her past, her baggage, but then, they wouldn’t understand his own. In a way, it made her perfect for him, even if she wasn’t quite ready for some things.

~ Zoi

Dradvia laughed, but it was a bit on the hysterical side. “I think that is the first time you have exaggerated the truth to me.” He might hope for someone who understood, but no one would hope for someone so broken. She leaned against him, her head tucked down on his shoulder.

What did she do now? What happened next? What did he expect? Everyone expected something even if they didn’t demand it. Did she love him? Could she love him like he deserved? Love meant commitment and cooperation and compromise. But she couldn’t commit to anything. He would want her to go. There was no compromise there, and he wouldn’t stay. Could she survive him leaving her? She didn’t think she would.

The thoughts spiraled and spiraled. Scenario after scenario filled her mind. Every happy ending being pushed out by horrific hell instead. Sisnil kept telling her not to worry about what was next. She couldn’t stop though. It wasn’t a conscious thing. It had kept her alive, and she was stuck in survival mode.

Dradvia shivered in his arms, her breath becoming rapid, her mind swirling without focus. She was having a panic attack. Her hands clutched at his arm, holding on rather than pushing him away.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil held on to her, letting her cling to him. He didn’t manipulate her emotions, instead he simply sat calmly with her, letting his consistent calm speak for itself. “It’s okay, Dee,” he said softly, looking at her. “If that is the only time I’ve ever exaggerated, isn’t it possible that wasn’t my intention?”

~ Zoi

Could it ever be okay? Sisnil sounded so sure, she could believe it. Did Sisnil do anything by accident? She didn’t think he would manipulate her that way. Could he hear her thoughts? Did he think she didn’t believe him? Was he disgusted by how untrusting she was. How afraid, and paranoid? Did he think she didn’t care about or trust him? Was she doing the wrong thing?

Her breathing became short and labored. She shook her head no to try and stop her thoughts. And also to his question - denying that he was doing it on purpose.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil shared with her his emotions and thoughts, as he’d done before. If she could hear them, she couldn’t wonder what they were. He hoped it would help and not make her worse. “Try to breathe, Dee, you’re going to pass out.”

~ Zoi

She shouldn’t find comfort in knowing his emotions. Feeling the strength of them. She didn’t deserve it. She wanted to, more than anything, she wanted to belong somewhere, with someone. “I… I… can’t.” She panted, her chest tight and hurting. “I do… n’t… know how.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Come on, Dee, you know how.” Sisnil said, pulling her against him, his own breaths steady and even. “I don’t want to be carrying you to your own infirmary do I?”

~ Zoi

Holding her tighter seemed to help. She tried to breathe slower, deeper. The deeper she breathed the tighter it felt, like she was fighting hiccups. “No,” rushed out. That would be awful. Tessan would want to know why, and she didn’t want to talk to him about this. It was too precious to share, that Sisnil loved her. She closed her eyes and focused on feeling his chest rise and fall under her cheek and breathing with him.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil kept holding her, gently rubbing her back. He didn’t know, but it felt right. “Just breathe, Dee.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia did. She tried not to think. It was exhausting to worry about every choice, every action, every second, and the domino effect of each constantly. It was equally exhausting to try and shut it off.

When the attack finally passed she slumped against him. He could feel the total exhaustion -mental, emotional, physical. She shivered, this time from the chill of the breeze. She curled closer to get warmer.

She felt awful, more confused, more lost, more uncertain. She also felt safe and comforted and soothed and a little healed.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil hugged her tightly and rested his head on her. “Feeling any better?” He asked gently. He knew the answer, but he wanted her to say for herself.

~ Zoi

Her answer came after a long silent moment as she thought. “Yes,” she finally said. “But… not okay. When I was little, I used to spin and spin and spin until the whole world got dizzy and I would fall down. There is a moment where you stop but everything inside you keeps going, and you can almost feel the world turn through space. At the same time everything is still but you. Nothing makes sense and you have no idea where you are or how to get back. Everything is moving without you and because of you at the same time.”

“I feel like that, except,” she flushed hotly. Holding on to him helped make everything go the way it should.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil looked at her for a long, quiet moment, and then kissed her, really kissed her, making it long and slow.

~ Zoi

Dradvia panicked. She didn’t want to, but she did. She had no positive experience with this sort of thing. She didn’t fight or refuse; she was conditioned not to, but inside the initial panic was like a wrecking ball. It didn’t take but a handful of heartbeats for her mind to compare Sisnil to her experience with Lokhar. They were polar opposites. Sisnil was kind, gentle, safe. She shouldn’t be comparing them. Isn’t that what her books said. A kiss from someone who loved you would make you forget everything. Erase all the bad? So she was too broken then.

She did not know how to respond, that despite her failure she wasn’t refusing. Her hands flexed on his arms, letting him anchor her. She knew he could feel her panic and hear her thoughts. Please don’t hate me, became the silent mantra in the back of her mind.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

As soon as he sensed her panic he stopped and nuzzled his head against hers instead. She felt his instant regret and guilt. There was no anger or anything else towards her. “Dee, I’m sorry, I should’ve thought before I did that.”

~ Zoi

Shame, guilt, and a sense of inadequacy filled her. She wanted to run, to hide from him, from herself. She couldn’t though. She’d promised him she wouldn’t do that again.

He was sorry and guilty and that just compounded her wrongness and guilt. She didn’t want him to be sorry. She had hurt him again. Made him regret it. It would be the most precious moment she would ever have, and she’d made him regret it, apologize for it. She had hurt him. He shouldn’t love her. He shouldn’t regret it. He didn’t do anything wrong. She did.

“Please don’t.” Her heart cried the plea.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil hugged her tightly. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” He said to her. “And I’m going to love you no matter how many times you panic.”

~ Zoi

She shook her head ‘no’ so hard she might hurt herself. She cried, her voice high, tight. And strained.l, anguished, “I don’t want to make you feel guilty! You didn’t do anything wrong!” Lokhar did that. Blamed her for things beyond her control, for things she couldn’t possibly predict or influence. He controlled her that way. She wouldn’t do that to anyone, especially Sisnil. She would break her promise and leave him alone first.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Dee, no, you can’t leave me alone,” Sisnil said, his voice a harsh whisper. “You know why you can’t do that.” He hugged her again and shook his head. “I just want you happy and comfortable.”

~ Zoi

“I CAN’T! I CAN’T DO THAT TO YOU!” He didn’t understand! Everything she did hurt him and manipulated him. She didn’t want to. She was poisoned, seeping out the filth that Lokhar had forced fed her all those years. She couldn’t fake being comfortable or happy with Sisnil. He would always know, and she would always hurt him.

Pulling up her knees and hugging them, she hid her face. She wouldn’t leave him, she’d promised, but, “I’m not good for you.” Her voice was muffled but clear enough. “It hurts you. I hurt you every time I act wrong. Love isn’t supposed to be like that.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You don’t act wrong.” Sisnil said. “You have reactions you can’t help based on your past.” He hugged her again. “And so will I. Maybe not like yours but, Dee, that’s how it is. You’ll get better.”

~ Zoi

It did no good to ask him what if she didn’t get better. He would just tell her again he would wait. It didn’t matter to ask him for how long. She knew. Until he could get home to Noril. Sooner or later he would, and that would be how long. It wouldn’t matter if she was better or not. As long as she didn’t leave him alone while he was here. “I shouldn’t react that way to you.” She wanted to ask how he would react and to what. She didn’t want to pry, she knew how hard it was to admit.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You know I can’t talk about that,” Sisnil whispered gently, though in his voice was… something she’d never heard from him before. “Maybe not, but you…” He looked at her. “I heard your thoughts, saw…” He shook his head. “I don’t blame you.”

~ Zoi