Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say

Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say

Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say
Posted by… suppressed (43) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Sisnil went to his quarters and sat down with Simon. Was his being friends with Dradvia a bad thing? She liked him because he understood, he got that, but that didn’t make him good for her. Maybe he should just leave her alone.

~ Zoi

The holodeck was empty, but marked for open use. So Dradvia started the garden program. She spent a lot of time here. Umbra met her as soon as she walked in. Almost like the cat knew she was coming.

Dradvia didn’t think about the fact it was just coding. She picked Umbra up and buried her face in the soft fur. She found her hiding spot, away from the main garden. It was a small group of trees with heavy under brush. As people came and went from the program, No one saw her or bothered her. She could sit quietly or vent her confusing feelings to the cat that never left her.

Today it was tears and confusion. Why did it matter if people told her what to do? It wasn’t likeshe was very good at taking care of herself. On her own she got kidnapped and enslaved. She was urged toward Star Fleet. She had no where else to go, so she did what she was told. That was the whole life of an officer, obey orders. Dradvia knew how to obey. She didn’t know anything about being on her own and independent.

Did she really care that Sisnil was looking out for her? No, the truth was she liked that he did. Did it matter he was so certain of his advice that it sounded like an order? Not really. She knew he meant well and wasn’t going to force her to do anything. He was just a very assertive personality.

Did she get upset because she didn’t like it or because all her shrinks told her to respond that way? Or was it because she was terrified of Sisnil? Not of him. Oddly she should be, but she felt safe, or safer, around him. No she was terrified of how much she liked him, her feelings, and the fact he knew it.

But she was still back to the same problem of why she reacted the way she did. She offended him and pushed him away. That was the real pivot point. She was broken, and didn’t know what she wanted or how to deal with it. She would always be broken.

She supposed she should say so to Tessan in a session, but she just couldn’t stand to hear his denial and positivity and encouragement. She wanted to heal, but she knew some injuries could never fully heal.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil roamed the ship with Simon. Nowhere in particular, just killing time and teaching Simon to stay with him. He didn’t go looking for Dradvia, he thought she needed space. Then again, he was wrong before… He reached out for her empathically, checking on her.

~ Zoi

Dradvia was feeling overwhelmed by lonliness and self recremination. She was achingly sad, and filled with guilt and doubt and uncertainty. She didn’t know exactly what she had done to push Sisnil away. She wanted to fix it. She had promised not to leave him alone. It was an easy promise to keep. She wanted to be near him, but now he didn’t want her around. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to feel or what to do about her feelings.

She was hiding away from people. Afraid to be alone, but afraid to be seen. Sisnil would recognize that feeling in her. She had felt like that a lot when he first met her. Over the weeks that had calmed. Dradvia knew it was because he made her feel more secure. She wasn’t totally alone in the mass anymore. Well, she was again. She wanted to make it up to him, but maybe that was selfish. She wanted him around, but if he wanted away from her, she wouldn’t force him.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil had known it was a good idea to check in on her. Taking Simon with him, he went looking for her. He asked the computer her location and then went to find her.

~ Zoi

“EN. DRADVIA IS ON THE HOLODECK,” the computer answered helpfully.

The garden program was running, and she wasn’t the only one using it. Apparently, the program had become fairly popular. However, Dradvia was not among the open spaces where everyone else was. It was a trick of the holodeck. She was physically near, but distant within the program.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil headed in and slipped through the area, not wanting to have to talk to anyone else. Holodecks were weird to him. It was a little disorienting. He could feel her physical location, but because of the trick of the holodeck, she wasn’t where she “should” be. “Come on, Dee, where are you hiding?” He murmured to himself.

~ Zoi

Places where she could hide were few. The buildings were all occupied or nearly so. Somewhere off the manicured paths, would appeal to her. In a group of trees was where he had found her last time. There were two thick groupings of trees that were abandoned by real people. One, the Orion monk was working at, so she wasn’t there. The monk was programmed to leave her alone.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

When he saw the monk, he knew she wasn’t there. So he checked the other one. When he found her there, he made sure she heard him coming. “Dee? You okay?” He asked softly.

~ Zoi

Dradvia startled anyway. She hadn’t expected the person approaching to be Sisnil. She figured she wouldn’t see him anytime soon. She didn’t look at him when she glanced in his direction. She held Umbra closer even as her emotions betrayed her longing for Sisnil and Simon.

No, she wasn’t okay. It didn’t do any good to deny it, he would know. But telling him that felt selfish. He wasn’t responsible for her problems. He wasn’t the cause or the trigger. She buried her face in Umbra’s fur, quietly wiping her cheeks. “Don’t worry about me.” She glanced around. “I’m… I’m sorry. I can go, I didn’t mean to intrude.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil let Simon down and the harnessed cat curiously sniffed the holographic cat. Then nosed Dradvia. Sisnil sat next to her. “Why would you go? I’m the one intruding here.” He said. “I’m not-” he frowned and sighed. “Don’t feel like you have to stay away from me, Dee. That’s obviously not helping either of us.”

~ Zoi

Umbra was unimpressed by the kitten. Dradvia reached down and pet Simon. He quickly took up the space that Umbra had occupied. Dradvia loved Simon, but she was attached to the holographic cat as well. “You aren’t intruding,” she denied vehemently. He was welcome. She wanted him there. She felt… light, peaceful, safe, cared for when he was around. “It’s your program.” He was staying away from her. She wasn’t surprised. She didn’t blame him either. “I just end up upsetting you even when I try really hard not to.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I wrote it for you,” he replied simply. “Yeah, I was. Not because of what you did, because I hurt you. Because being around me could get you hurt. I thought it would be best. It wasn’t.”

~ Zoi

Shocked surprise pinged off of her. He wrote this for her? She didn’t know what to make of that, much less what to feel about that.

“You didn’t hurt me. I was frustrated and upset. I vented that at you. That was wrong and unfair and uncalled for. I’m sorry.”

“Sisnil…” Her voice pleaded before she took a breath. “Being around me is dangerous for you too. You know what will happen if they find out you are harboring a run-away.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil took a deep breath. “I intend to pay your price. Your buy-out and your runaway bounty. I wasn’t going to mention it.”

~ Zoi

She went still, even her thoughts as she tried to process that. “You… you can’t.” Hope that had risen was broken to pieces. “The buy-out alone is a Shodar’s fortune. Every year I’m gone the bounty doubles. They won’t let me go.” Horrible images, fear, shame, pain, sickness filled her. She drew Simon up into her arms against her chest. Her voice was barely a whisper and it shook. “I… I was with Lokhar when Star Fleet took the ship. He had me in his room. I was there when they killed him. If the Syndicate has the records, they will accuse me of murdering my owner.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

The images flashed in Sisnil’s mind. His hand brushed hers. “My skills afford me some leeway in these matters.” He said. “Maybe enough, maybe not. But you’re not going back to them. Not ever.”

~ Zoi

She flinched when he touched her hand, but she didn’t pull away. Her chest hurt, she hated she flinched. She hated she couldn’t remember what it was like to not be touched with violence. Dradvia knew Sisnil wouldn’t hurt her, but she flinched anyway. Dradvia nodded her head, bring Simon closer, hiding in his fur. She was safe enough while Sisnil was here, but he would be gone eventually. By that time her bounty would be unfathomable.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Don’t think about that right now.” Sisnil said. “It won’t help.” He looked at her. “There’s a lot of possibilities I don’t think about.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia hid her face in Simon’s fur. He rumbled and vibrated, but was actually still for the moment. How could she not think about it. The Syndicate never stopped searching for runaways. She’d never heard of one who actually got away and didn’t get caught again. There were more pressing things though. Tomorrow they would be docked and she would try to send Noril a message. “Is there anything you want me to tell him?” Maybe, just maybe, if she could get the message through it would make up for how … inadequate she was. She wasn’t doing it for praise or acceptance. Sisnil could hate her, and she’d still do it. If she could give him some small connection to what he’d lost, to his family, she’d do it for the devil itself.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Tell him I’m okay and give him some sort of hint to what ship I’m on.” Sisnil said. “Then tell him this word exactly: Arhaveli. Other than that, whatever you’re comfortable with.”

~ Zoi

She gave him a sad look. “I can’t tell him the ship. I can’t break my oath. Please Sisnil?” Her heart cracked a little more at having to deny him again. Her voice pleaded with him.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Can you tell him I’m on a fleet ship?” Sisnil asked. “Or… Or, the region of space?”

~ Zoi

Dradvia considered it a moment and then nodded. “I can do that.” It really wasn’t an awful thing he was asking, but she knew Sisnil. She didn’t know what his crew might resort to to get him back. If it was just her, Dradvia wouldn’t hesitate. Her words meant everything to her. “I… I guess I won’t see you tomorrow. Are… are you sure you’ll be able to get me the code?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil nodded. “Certain. If I weren’t, I’d be making another plan.” He smiled at her thoughts, “They won’t risk the lives of the ship. If anything, they’d attempt a stealth rescue.”

~ Zoi

That was reassuring. “Should I wait for a reply? How long?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“No, there won’t be one.” Sisnil said. “Too risky to establish two way contact.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia nodded. “I’ll have time to waste. Is there anything you want? I can get it for you.” She looked down at the kitten who had resigned himself to being stuck and had decided to sleep. “Or something for Simon?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“If you see anything for him, sure.” Sisnil said. “For me, no. I’m fine.”

~ Zoi

“Okay.” Hours with no purpose or goal. Dradvia wasn’t looking forward to it. She really didn’t want to leave the ship, but that was just anxiety. She would be fine. She could do this.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I’ll be with you. Just not physically.” Sisnil said, trying to help. “I’ll be in my quarters, most likely.”

~ Zoi

“You sound like you’re a belvin, a giardian spirit, when you say that.” Dradvia smirked, but there was that sense of giddy nervousness that accompanied the statement. Like he was flirting with her.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Maybe I am,” Sisnil said with a grin. “That’s why I ended up running into David at that stupid campus. To come here and protect you.”

~ Zoi

Her stomach flipped and flopped and if she had been standing her knees would be weak. “Ah, is this the whole thing about the gods wanting us to run in to each other?” She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. “Or are you just being rougishly charming?” Dradvia bet it worked on every woman he met.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil laughed. “A bit of both, I guess.” He said. “Though if the gods split me from my crew I’d have to be very upset with them.”

~ Zoi

It wasn’t fair he was so charming. Her cheeks flushed. “Well,if I remember correctly, you don’t believe in fate or meddling gods. So no need to be upset with them right?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil laughed, “Exactly.” He shrugged, “The idea of fate is stupid anyway.”

~ Zoi

“It’s depressing, really.” She shrugged off the swell of defeat that the concept of fate caused and made herself return to the lightheartedness. “Well since we both agree fate is stupid then you didn’t run into Cmdr Morris so you could be here to pro…” she trailed off, feeling self conscious and nervous. Not in a bad way, but feeling unfamiliar things. She was dismissing the idea, but at the same time she didn’t want to do that. She wanted it to be true, but she couldn’t accept that it was.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil laughed. “Everyone has an exception, Dee. That’s our exception.”

~ Zoi

She looked at him. Not the usual slightly indirect way she had, but actually looked at him. There was pleading and uncertainty all over her face. That one word our frightened her. She didn’t want to be abandoned again. She didn’t want to face it, having someone, just to be left behind and alone all over again. At the same time, she knew it was already too late. Sisnil meant too much to her.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled reassuringly. “That’s up to you, Dee. If I get away, well… There’s always a place for you with me. If I don’t then.... I guess it doesn’t matter, does it?”

~ Zoi

It was disconcerting sometimes how he knew everything she thought and felt. Not because it felt invasive, but because she often didn’t know herself. He did though. She looked away. Was she really considering going back with him? That shocked and confused her. She wasn’t brave enough to go back with him. Sisnil needed someone brave and resourceful. Someone that would benefit his crew, not be an added responsibility. But she was desperate enough to believe he would make a place for her. But why? She didn’t understand her own thoughts and feelings. She nuzzled tighter into Simon wishing she was the one being held instead.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“There are a lot of ways to benefit the crew without being ‘brave’,” Sisnil said. “And nothing you don’t want to do either.”

~ Zoi

Her brow pulled down, making her ja’risia catch the light. She felt warm and comforted that he clarified his statement. That he reasured her before she even knew she needed it.

The thing was, was he serious or being kind? Did he really want her around? She couldn’t just go for a week or a month and then return to Star Fleet. She would have no where to go if he changed his mind.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil gave her a look. “I don’t leave crew behind, Dee. Once you’re on, you’re on.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia didn’t want to be his crew. She didn’t want to fill a role anyone could do. She didn’t want to owe him loyalty simply because he was the captain. She wanted to be more than just crew. She wanted…

She wanted to be his. Not like she had belonged to Lokhar, but how Noril and Vash belonged together, to each other, like the heroines in her books belonged together with the heroes. It hit her like a sledge hammer, right in the chest, in her heart. She was falling in love with Sisnil.

Icy paralyzing panic froze her in place. She couldn’t run, hide, or alter her thoughts. She couldn’t go back to being unaware. He, Sisnil, was aware and had been for a bit. She couldn’t hide it from him, he knew. He always knew. Embarrassment, shyness, and a sense of loosing a lifetime treasure filled her.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled politely. “Take your time to sort out your emotions, Dee.” He said softly. “I’ll be here.” He was giving her a soft, almost affectionate look.

~ Zoi

Mortification and shame filled her. He knew. He had known all this time. He thought… he wanted… it didn’t matter, she had nothing to offer him. Nothing to give to a relationship. Had she been leading him on? She hadn’t meant to. Had she?

She had no idea what she was doing. She glanced at him covertly, he looked, she didn’t know. No one ever looked at her like that. Sort out her emotions? If she knew how to do that, she wouldn’t be hurting so bad. Would she?

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil was calm, his face giving away little. He let her think through things herself. There was little he could do to help her. She had to decide on her own.

~ Zoi

Dradvia wasn’t aware there was anything to decide. No matter what she felt, she couldn’t do anything about it. This wasn’t a romance novel. There would be no happy ending. Romantic stories always had a happy ending, the hero swept her off her feet, and they found their differences made them closer. She was always safe and taken care of. She wished the holodeck would swallow her whole. He knew, but it was cruel to him to say it aloud.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“If you don’t give it the chance,” Sisnil said softly, “Then you’ll never have the chance.” He looked at her. “Don’t tell me it’s impossible. It isn’t.”

~ Zoi

Finally she spoke, “I don’t know what to do, Sisnil.” When Dradvia had been taken, she had only just started to discover attraction and crushes. Even in Risan society, she had never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. After, well she was too traumatized. She still was, but Sisnil was different.

Simon lifted his head and stared at Dradvia. He mewled pitifully and then looked at Sisnil, stretching out one paw. His emotions were clear. Dradvia was distressed and he wanted Sisnil to fix it.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil gently touched Simon’s paw and then did something he hadn’t done before: pulled Dradvia into a full armed hug, pressing her head against him. “Can we figure it out together?”

~ Zoi