Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say

Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say

Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say
Posted by… suppressed (29) by the Post Ghost! 👻
(snip)
Sisnil was already in the lounge, sitting at a table in the corner, by himself, his back towards the wall. There was a partly empty plate of food in front of him. He sensed Dee as she entered, looked up, and smiled. “Over here, if you want, Dee.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia’s whole mood lifted when she saw him, and her heart raced when he smiled at her. She made her way to the replicator. She ordered water and toast with some kind of nutty fruit spread. She wasn’t feeling much like eating, but this would be a decent place to start.

She tried not to pause as she turned toward the tables. She wanted to sit with him, but she was afraid. Sisnil could tell she wasn’t afraid of him, but about him. She was worrying her nerves over how he was going to react, how she would react, how she had hurt him. She was sorry, but she couldn’t change the decision. The guilt and shame tormented her. He asked her to sit, but why? Obligation? Pity? Kindness?

She went, not because she had promised, not to prove anything, but because she was drawn like a magnet. Why that was she wasn’t willing to think about. She stopped at the seat across from him, “Are, um, are you sure?” He could feel the apology, but she didn’t utter it because she couldn’t change it, and she didn’t want to mislead him. “I know I upset you earlier. I hurt you.” She sounded as tormented as she felt.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine, and I’m not angry at you.” He pointed to the seat as he took a bite. “Sit.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia sat instantly, a reflex to the pointed offer. Sisnil wasn’t ordering her, she knew that, but she was having a bad emotion day. She also didn’t think he was fine. She knew Sisnil wouldn’t yell at her. She doubted he had ever yelled in his life. He didn’t need to yell. She hated confrontation of any kind. People became unpredictable when they were angry and hurt. If they weren’t unpredictable, they were terrifying. She had a feeling Sisnil was the latter type.

She knew she had hurt him, but he was acting like nothing had happened. That was easy enough. Dradvia didn’t want to bring it up at all. She concentrated on her food instead. After a moment she spoke. “How’s Simon?” She didn’t know what else to ask or say.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

He was the latter type, however he wasn’t upset. He had been sad, but he was also glad she was able to set her own boundary and keep it. “Doing well. Getting used to his harness. I’ve got a shipment of supplies coming so I can build him something.”

~ Zoi

It had been incredibly difficult for Dradvia to hold that boundary. She had trauma induced instinct that told her to do anything to stay alive. Don’t break the rules, but she also knew she wasn’t in that situation anymore. It was also hard because she knew she had hurt him, and she didn’t want to. “What are you building him?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Something to climb on and play on,” Sisnil replied easily. “I’m sorry for yesterday,” he said softly.

~ Zoi

“He’ll enjoy that.” Dradvia set her fork down and stared at her hands in her lap. Shr twisted her napkin. She forced herself to look up after a moment. “You don’t need to be sorry. If… if I was normal, it wouldn’t be a big deal.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“That doesn’t matter.” Sisnil said. “Your preferences are yours, regardless of why.”

~ Zoi

“The why matters to me. I’m not who I was, I’m not who I should have turned out to be.” She said it fiercely but there was also a vast sense of loss and being lost. Of not knowing one’s self. “It isn’t you, Sisnil. I want need you to know that. I can’t let anyone stay like that. I hate being alone, I do, but I just…” she didn’t know how to explain it. The fear of someone breaking in waring with the fear of being hurt by someone she trusted to let them in. It made no sense even to her.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I understand it isn’t me, Dee, don’t worry,” Sisnil said softly. “But I was still wrong. I was trying to fill loneliness, to… To replace something missing. That’s not fair to you.”

~ Zoi

“It’s not wrong to want that, Sisnil. It’s completely normal and acceptable to ask a friend to be there for you. To help you fill the lonliness, to support you through tough situations. I’m just not…” Her voice trailed off, and Dradvia stared down at her plate. She wanted to be that kind of friend, but she had told him - she had nothing to offer him. Even if she wanted to do so desperately.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil brushed his hand against hers. “You can’t keep blaming yourself for reactions you have to things. It won’t help.”

~ Zoi

Her hand flinched, but she didn’t pull away. “You’re the only one who thinks so. Who else is to blame? Certainly not Lokhar according to my therapists. He is to blame for learning the reactions, but I am responsible for my a lions and reactions. I should know better than to forget I am ‘safe’ now.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“That’s.... Not what your therapists meant.” Sisnil said. “Do I have to talk you into seeing Tessan?”

~ Zoi

“I see Tessan every week for therapy. It’s non-negotiable.” It probably always would be. She would never be over it any time soon. If she wanted to stay in Star Fleet, she would have to spill her guts over and over every week until someone decided she’d said it enough times.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Then tell him that and see what he says.” Sisnil said. He wasn’t a fan of Tessan, anyone that hateful towards such an integral part of himself, couldn’t that good of a shrink. But Dradvia needed a shrink, and he wasn’t so bad he wasn’t helpful.

~ Zoi

Dradvia shrugged. “He’ll give me all kinds of things to try to help get over it. To deal with it all better. To go on like it didn’t happen. ‘You can’t erase the past, but you can’t live there, either. Pack up the old baggage and leave it behind’,” she quoted mockingly.

“I can’t sleep because of the warp drive, so he suggested drugs. I can’t take drugs. I just can’t.” They had been kept drugged off and on, and Dradvia hated the feeling. “If it doesn’t get better, he’ll insist I try because,” she shrugged again, “sleep is important.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“And what would you say to me if I weren’t sleeping and nothing else was helping?” Sisnil said evenly. “You are not giving healing a chance. Your ‘can’ts’ will become self fulfilling.” He gave her a stern, serious look. “You can get better, Dee. You have to try. For me.”

~ Zoi

It never showed on her features. Outwardly, Dradvia was still quiet and shy. Inside, there was a burning flash of frustration and anger that she quickly trapped away. If Sisnil wasn’t such a strong empath he would have missed it.

Dradvia focused her gaze on her plate while she ate slowly.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Don’t hide your emotions, it won’t help.” Sisnil said casually, finishing his food.

~ Zoi

Frustration overflowed and came out as anger. “Just because I don’t want to share and openly display my emotions to whomever happens to be around, does NOT mean I am hiding from them. Everyone tells me I’m safe and it’s my life to do whatever I want. That I am free and I can choose. But when that doesn’t look like what they expect it to, I’m wrong. I’m ordered here and there, do this, do that. Oh you got 2 good nights of sleep. You were able to go all day without being jumpy or having flashbacks. Great! Let’s discuss it all again in great detail and find out why you are avoiding it again. And then they wonder why the nightmares and fear come back. They aren’t wrong, I am.”

She pushed her plate away. “I am supposed to decide how I heal and what that looks like. I’m not a slave anymore, but only if I do things exactly how they want. It’s all pretty lies.”

This was where the heroine in her books would storm out to make her point. But Dradvia wasn’t the heroine, and her life was no romance.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil was actually relieved she’d gotten angry. She needed to. To express all this. All the same, he wasn’t going to push her harder than he had to. He raised his hands as if to say I’m done. “Alright, alright, I’m sorry.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia shook her head, “No you aren’t. You aren’t trying to be mean, but you are pushing me just like everyone else. To help me heal the way you think I should. You mean well, everyone does.” It hurt though. Sisnil was the first person she had been able to actually talk to and not worry about giving away too much, scaring people, or having to explain every little thing because people were nosey. He always knew what she was thinking and feeling. He had made her feel seen and understood. Instead … well she thought he could see how hard she worked every day. He hadn’t seen her before, how hard it was to just get out of bed and drink water. To be able to care about anything anymore. But she thought he could sense it, he did everything else. It was just foolish wishful thinking. Was she so desperate for a friend? Apparently.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

The sense of disappointment in him was overwhelming. Maybe because he was lonely. “Dee, I am sorry. I did mean to push but I didn’t mean to…” He sighed and looked at her. “What can I do? What do you want me to do?”

~ Zoi

Dradvia was surprised. No one ever admitted they were wring, and they certainly never asked what she wanted. What did she want? “I want you to let me experience my feelings the way I’m comfortable with. I don’t want you to let me hide, but if I don’t want to express them openly then don’t make me. Don’t make me hide them when I need to share them.” She waved her hand vaguely, “Like being frustrated with therapy. I can’t find any kind of new normal because I always have to go back, dig it up, hash it out, relive it constantly. If I’m frustrated, that doesn’t mean I’ve given up. You should kno…” She stopped. That wasn’t fair. “Just because I’m frustrated and expressing it, doesn’t mean I want you to fix anything. Sometimes it would just be nice for someone to listen without telling me what to do.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

She didn’t have to finish saying it. Sisnil heard it in her mind before it left her mouth. He turned to his food quietly and began eating again. “I’m sorry.”

~ Zoi

“Thank you. You don’t need to be though.” Dradvia drew into herself after that. She felt like she had done something wrong. Like she should be the one apologizing. Had she hurt him? Had she over stepped her place? Or was she just reacting to all the feelings being dredged up?

“I’m sorry. I’m not very good at having… of being around people.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You don’t need to apologize, Dee. You’re fine.” Sisnil said, still seeming upset, like he felt bad. “I think I’m gonna go check on Simon.” He said after another minute.

~ Zoi

Then why did she feel so sad now? She focused on her food. When Sisnil spoke again, Dradvia looked up, as a ping of worry, doubt, and hurt went through her. That was clearly a dismissal.
He didn’t include her in that statement. That… that was what she expected. “Okay.”

After he left she stared at her food mostly. She’d failed to fix the damage she caused by refusing him earlier. She had made it worse by being defiant. She took her half eaten meal and returned it. She couldn’t go back to her quarters knowing he was right across the hall. So she wandered the corridors for awhile. Maybe the holodeck was open? Umbra didn’t care that she wasn’t good company or broken. Of course she was programmed that way. Right then Dradvia didn’t care. At least she couldn’t hurt a computer program.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil went to his quarters and sat down with Simon. Was his being friends with Dradvia a bad thing? She liked him because he understood, he got that, but that didn’t make him good for her. Maybe he should just leave her alone.

~ Zoi

The holodeck was empty, but marked for open use. So Dradvia started the garden program. She spent a lot of time here. Umbra met her as soon as she walked in. Almost like the cat knew she was coming.

Dradvia didn’t think about the fact it was just coding. She picked Umbra up and buried her face in the soft fur. She found her hiding spot, away from the main garden. It was a small group of trees with heavy under brush. As people came and went from the program, No one saw her or bothered her. She could sit quietly or vent her confusing feelings to the cat that never left her.

Today it was tears and confusion. Why did it matter if people told her what to do? It wasn’t likeshe was very good at taking care of herself. On her own she got kidnapped and enslaved. She was urged toward Star Fleet. She had no where else to go, so she did what she was told. That was the whole life of an officer, obey orders. Dradvia knew how to obey. She didn’t know anything about being on her own and independent.

Did she really care that Sisnil was looking out for her? No, the truth was she liked that he did. Did it matter he was so certain of his advice that it sounded like an order? Not really. She knew he meant well and wasn’t going to force her to do anything. He was just a very assertive personality.

Did she get upset because she didn’t like it or because all her shrinks told her to respond that way? Or was it because she was terrified of Sisnil? Not of him. Oddly she should be, but she felt safe, or safer, around him. No she was terrified of how much she liked him, her feelings, and the fact he knew it.

But she was still back to the same problem of why she reacted the way she did. She offended him and pushed him away. That was the real pivot point. She was broken, and didn’t know what she wanted or how to deal with it. She would always be broken.

She supposed she should say so to Tessan in a session, but she just couldn’t stand to hear his denial and positivity and encouragement. She wanted to heal, but she knew some injuries could never fully heal.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil roamed the ship with Simon. Nowhere in particular, just killing time and teaching Simon to stay with him. He didn’t go looking for Dradvia, he thought she needed space. Then again, he was wrong before… He reached out for her empathically, checking on her.

~ Zoi

Dradvia was feeling overwhelmed by lonliness and self recremination. She was achingly sad, and filled with guilt and doubt and uncertainty. She didn’t know exactly what she had done to push Sisnil away. She wanted to fix it. She had promised not to leave him alone. It was an easy promise to keep. She wanted to be near him, but now he didn’t want her around. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to feel or what to do about her feelings.

She was hiding away from people. Afraid to be alone, but afraid to be seen. Sisnil would recognize that feeling in her. Shenhad felt like that a lot when henfirst met her. Over the weeks that had calmed. Dradvia knew it was because he made her feel more secure. She wasn’t totally alone in the mass anymore. Well, she was again. She wanted to make it up to him, but maybe that was selfish. She wanted him around, but if he wanted away from her, she wouldn’t force him.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil had known it was a good idea to check in on her. Taking Simon with him, he went looking for her. He asked the computer her location and then went to find her.

~ Zoi

“EN. DRADVIA IS ON THE HOLODECK,” the computer answered helpfully.

The garden program was running, and she wasn’t the only one using it. Apparently, the program had become fairly popular. However, Dradvia was not among the open spaces where everyone else was. It was a trick of the holodeck. She was physically near, but distant within the program.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer