Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say

Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say

Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say
Posted by… suppressed (15) by the Post Ghost! 👻
(snip)
Sisnil was already in the lounge, sitting at a table in the corner, by himself, his back towards the wall. There was a partly empty plate of food in front of him. He sensed Dee as she entered, looked up, and smiled. “Over here, if you want, Dee.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia’s whole mood lifted when she saw him, and her heart raced when he smiled at her. She made her way to the replicator. She ordered water and toast with some kind of nutty fruit spread. She wasn’t feeling much like eating, but this would be a decent place to start.

She tried not to pause as she turned toward the tables. She wanted to sit with him, but she was afraid. Sisnil could tell she wasn’t afraid of him, but about him. She was worrying her nerves over how he was going to react, how she would react, how she had hurt him. She was sorry, but she couldn’t change the decision. The guilt and shame tormented her. He asked her to sit, but why? Obligation? Pity? Kindness?

She went, not because she had promised, not to prove anything, but because she was drawn like a magnet. Why that was she wasn’t willing to think about. She stopped at the seat across from him, “Are, um, are you sure?” He could feel the apology, but she didn’t utter it because she couldn’t change it, and she didn’t want to mislead him. “I know I upset you earlier. I hurt you.” She sounded as tormented as she felt.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine, and I’m not angry at you.” He pointed to the seat as he took a bite. “Sit.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia sat instantly, a reflex to the pointed offer. Sisnil wasn’t ordering her, she knew that, but she was having a bad emotion day. She also didn’t think he was fine. She knew Sisnil wouldn’t yell at her. She doubted he had ever yelled in his life. He didn’t need to yell. She hated confrontation of any kind. People became unpredictable when they were angry and hurt. If they weren’t unpredictable, they were terrifying. She had a feeling Sisnil was the latter type.

She knew she had hurt him, but he was acting like nothing had happened. That was easy enough. Dradvia didn’t want to bring it up at all. She concentrated on her food instead. After a moment she spoke. “How’s Simon?” She didn’t know what else to ask or say.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

He was the latter type, however he wasn’t upset. He had been sad, but he was also glad she was able to set her own boundary and keep it. “Doing well. Getting used to his harness. I’ve got a shipment of supplies coming so I can build him something.”

~ Zoi

It had been incredibly difficult for Dradvia to hold that boundary. She had trauma induced instinct that told her to do anything to stay alive. Don’t break the rules, but she also knew she wasn’t in that situation anymore. It was also hard because she knew she had hurt him, and she didn’t want to. “What are you building him?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Something to climb on and play on,” Sisnil replied easily. “I’m sorry for yesterday,” he said softly.

~ Zoi

“He’ll enjoy that.” Dradvia set her fork down and stared at her hands in her lap. Shr twisted her napkin. She forced herself to look up after a moment. “You don’t need to be sorry. If… if I was normal, it wouldn’t be a big deal.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“That doesn’t matter.” Sisnil said. “Your preferences are yours, regardless of why.”

~ Zoi

“The why matters to me. I’m not who I was, I’m not who I should have turned out to be.” She said it fiercely but there was also a vast sense of loss and being lost. Of not knowing one’s self. “It isn’t you, Sisnil. I want need you to know that. I can’t let anyone stay like that. I hate being alone, I do, but I just…” she didn’t know how to explain it. The fear of someone breaking in waring with the fear of being hurt by someone she trusted to let them in. It made no sense even to her.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I understand it isn’t me, Dee, don’t worry,” Sisnil said softly. “But I was still wrong. I was trying to fill loneliness, to… To replace something missing. That’s not fair to you.”

~ Zoi

“It’s not wrong to want that, Sisnil. It’s completely normal and acceptable to ask a friend to be there for you. To help you fill the lonliness, to support you through tough situations. I’m just not…” Her voice trailed off, and Dradvia stared down at her plate. She wanted to be that kind of friend, but she had told him - she had nothing to offer him. Even if she wanted to do so desperately.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil brushed his hand against hers. “You can’t keep blaming yourself for reactions you have to things. It won’t help.”

~ Zoi

Her hand flinched, but she didn’t pull away. “You’re the only one who thinks so. Who else is to blame? Certainly not Lokhar according to my therapists. He is to blame for learning the reactions, but I am responsible for my a lions and reactions. I should know better than to forget I am ‘safe’ now.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“That’s.... Not what your therapists meant.” Sisnil said. “Do I have to talk you into seeing Tessan?”

~ Zoi

“I see Tessan every week for therapy. It’s non-negotiable.” It probably always would be. She would never be over it any time soon. If she wanted to stay in Star Fleet, she would have to spill her guts over and over every week until someone decided she’d said it enough times.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Then tell him that and see what he says.” Sisnil said. He wasn’t a fan of Tessan, anyone that hateful towards such an integral part of himself, couldn’t that good of a shrink. But Dradvia needed a shrink, and he wasn’t so bad he wasn’t helpful.

~ Zoi

Dradvia shrugged. “He’ll give me all kinds of things to try to help get over it. To deal with it all better. To go on like it didn’t happen. ‘You can’t erase the past, but you can’t live there, either. Pack up the old baggage and leave it behind’,” she quoted mockingly.

“I can’t sleep because of the warp drive, so he suggested drugs. I can’t take drugs. I just can’t.” They had been kept drugged off and on, and Dradvia hated the feeling. “If it doesn’t get better, he’ll insist I try because,” she shrugged again, “sleep is important.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“And what would you say to me if I weren’t sleeping and nothing else was helping?” Sisnil said evenly. “You are not giving healing a chance. Your ‘can’ts’ will become self fulfilling.” He gave her a stern, serious look. “You can get better, Dee. You have to try. For me.”

~ Zoi

It never showed on her features. Outwardly, Dradvia was still quiet and shy. Inside, there was a burning flash of frustration and anger that she quickly trapped away. If Sisnil wasn’t such a strong empath he would have missed it.

Dradvia focused her gaze on her plate while she ate slowly.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Don’t hide your emotions, it won’t help.” Sisnil said casually, finishing his food.

~ Zoi

Frustration overflowed and came out as anger. “Just because I don’t want to share and openly display my emotions to whomever happens to be around, does NOT mean I am hiding from them. Everyone tells me I’m safe and it’s my life to do whatever I want. That I am free and I can choose. But when that doesn’t look like what they expect it to, I’m wrong. I’m ordered here and there, do this, do that. Oh you got 2 good nights of sleep. You were able to go all day without being jumpy or having flashbacks. Great! Let’s discuss it all again in great detail and find out why you are avoiding it again. And then they wonder why the nightmares and fear come back. They aren’t wrong, I am.”

She pushed her plate away. “I am supposed to decide how I heal and what that looks like. I’m not a slave anymore, but only if I do things exactly how they want. It’s all pretty lies.”

This was where the heroine in her books would storm out to make her point. But Dradvia wasn’t the heroine, and her life was no romance.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer