Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say

Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say

Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in It’s Not Simple, No Matter What You Say
Posted by… suppressed (50) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
“Dee?” Sisnil asked, but she was gone. If she came looking for him later, it seemed as though he was nowhere to be found.

~ Zoi

Dradvia had gone back to her quarters and cried. She didn’t know what else to do. She was embarrassed by what he heard, by her admission (of what she wasn’t sure), and ashamed of her behavior and thoughts and confusion and inability to act normal. The more she thought about it the worse her panic attack became.

She did go to the lounge for dinner. She hoped he would be there, so she could at least apologize. She didn’t know how she would work up the nerve, but she had to. She’d promised.

But like earlier that day, he was nowhere to be found. She didn’t ask the computer, she gave him his privacy. He hadn’t been looking for her earlier anyway. That had been an accident. She went back to her quarters and cried until she fell asleep. Her dreams were horrendous and frightening.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Her dreams woke him again. Sisnil knocked on her door early in the morning. “Dee? You okay?”

~ Zoi

The knock startled her. He could feel the sudden burst of panic as she woke. Inside Dradvia stared at the door. She stood and wrapped a robe around herself. She walked to the door, clutching the robe closed. She pressed the control and let the door open. She stared at him, confused, dark circles, mussed hair. “Sisnil?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Sorry,” he apologized. “You were dreaming again.” He looked at her, “Though… Not sure if waking you was a help.” Then he broke into a little smile. “I brought Simon.”

~ Zoi

As he spoke, she had stepped back to let him enter. She didn’t think about that too much. “Oh, I’m sorry.” She’d woken him up again. She couldn’t stop herself from dreaming unless she stayed awake constantly. She glanced down at the cat, “Is he alright?” Did he get hurt or sick? Sisnil was smiling, so probably not. She needed to stop avoiding the awkwardness and just get it over with. She looked up at some point just above and past his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Sisnil, for how I acted yesterday.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil nodded, “He’s fine.” He stepped into the quarters and let the door close. “It’s fine. I’m not worried about it,” he said and smiled. “You’re an avoider, Dee. It’s how you are. I’d be stupid to expect it to change.”

~ Zoi

It sounded like an insult. It felt like an insult. Nothing suggested to her Sisnil meant it that way, though. Was she an avoider? She didn’t like dealing with things that made her uncomfortable or scared. She’d been forced to endure so much worse, that had been one of the first freedoms she’d claimed. Walking away from situations that didn’t feel safe. Had she taken that to extremes? It didn’t take much for her to realize that she had. At least in her personal life, not that she had a personal life really. Something else for her to worry over and try to figure out.

“Did Simon enjoy the program you made?” The cat was a safe topic, wasn’t it?

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil nodded. “He loves it. I think I might expand it, give him a little space that isn’t trees.” He didn’t say anything else, he wasn’t sure what to say without making her feel worse. “Uh, sorry.”

~ Zoi

She gave him a confused look, and ran a hand through her hair, messing it further. “For what?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“For making you feel insulted.” He said simply. “What I said… Clearly came out worse than I meant it.” Sisnil looked at her, “You’re not a slave anymore, Dee. You deserve apologies.”

~ Zoi

“Oh, yo… you di… did… you didn’t.” She stammered, embarrassed and shy. “Really. I… I didn’t think you meant it like that.” Oh gods she’d made him think he’d upset her. She stared down at her hands and her barefeet against the carpet. “You were being a good friend. I’m,” she shrugged awkwardly, more so than normal. “I’m just broken Sisnil. I try to hide how broken I am, but really I’m far more damaged than can be hidden. You didn’t insult me, I just…” that shrug again, “it just still really hurts sometimes to remember how bad I really am. That’s not your fault.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil gave her a look. “Broken? Bad?” He almost asked who made her think that, but the answer was obvious. “No, Dee, you’re not.” He said gently. “I can hear your mind, remember? There isn’t much that can be hid from me. And I don’t think you’re broken.”

~ Zoi

He was so sweet, so kind, she had no idea why he bothered with her. She didn’t smile; she just looked sad. “I am, Sisnil. I even have the scars to prove it. But the invisible ones here,” she tapped her head, “are worse. And there is nothing left here,” she tapped her chest over her heart, “but dust.”

Dradvia was a good person, she cared for others, but she wasn’t able to form connections with others anymore. Most people would agree that her attraction to Sisnil was a very poor decision. He was Syndicate and she was a runaway. She wasn’t afraid of him though.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Even Sisnil thought it was a bad idea. He liked her. And selfishly he let her like him. But one day he was going to have to send her away. Maybe it was better that he leaves at his first opportunity. To get away from her and rid her of the danger that was knowing him. He smiled. “Those scars aren’t invisible to me. And I don’t believe that,” he gestured to her chest, “for a second. Not one second.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia hadn’t acknowledged it consciously, but that was one of the things that left her so uncertain and confused. He was going to leave. He had to, and she understood that. She was already too attached. She was excited to see him, enjoyed his company, she felt safe for the first time in years. When he left he would take that with him, he would take the only friend she would have, and the dust of her heart.

He would leave, and she would never see or hear from him again. That was just the way it would be. No amount of self preservation could convince her to stay away from him. She glanced up at his face and away. “You’re kind to say so.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil shrugged. “I guess.” He said. “I’m just telling the truth.” Sisnil didn’t want to leave her, either. He didn’t know why. He’d turned in runaways before, he just… compartmentalized. Like turning an animal over to the butcher. But Dee… She was different for some reason. He hadn’t considered why. He didn’t know.

~ Zoi

They stood there silently, the awkwardness building, until it made Dradvia start to fidget. “I… I guess I woke you up again. I wish … I knew how to stop doing that.” Then all she could think about was how he’d stayed with her before.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m doing better than I was with sleep anyway. And you can’t really stop it either way. I’ve… Grown used? to your presence… It comforts me to be.. sort of synced? with it.” He made a face and sighed, “Why is explaining empathy so hard?”

~ Zoi

Dradvia shook her head, “I can’t ever understand, but it makes sense. I’m glad I can help.” She wished she had that way of knowing she was connected to someone. That she was never alone. She was so alone all the time, so lonely it made her scared. Especially when the nightmares came.

She changed the subject, so she wouldn’t cry. “How did Simon do his first night?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Spent most of it curled up against me. The early morning hours he decided he was done sleeping.” Sisnil gave the kitten a look. “Think I had trouble sleeping before I got a kitten?”

~ Zoi

For a moment Dradvia thought he was talking about her. She wished that had been her. She was surprised she had missed him being there last night. The flush that rushed over her and the way she looked away told him exactly what she was thinking.

Trying to cover her own conflicting emotions she reached out and pet Simon’s ear gently. “You need to learn to play quietly. Your Daddy needs his sleep. He doesn’t get up early like me.” Unless her nightmares woke him.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil wanted to be there, but that was partly because he was so used to sleeping with someone else in the room. He laughed and rubbed Simon’s body. “He definitely doesn’t know how to be quiet. Besides, most of the time, he was attacking my toes.”

~ Zoi

“Toes are not toys, Simon,” Dradvia said as sternly as she could manage as the kitten rubbed her hand and grabbed for her fingers. “Sisnil needs his toes. Yes he does. You leave them be.” She glanced up at him, smiling, enjoying the pureness of the moment. “You be careful though. I’ve been reading. His claws and teeth carry bateria, so if he cuts the skin make sure you clean it thoroughly.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled, her worry amusing him, but he did also like it. “I’m sure I’ll be alright,” he said. “His box is clean, he’s not exposed to anything.” He shrugged, “I’m not worried.”

~ Zoi

She sighed dramatically, “You should be, but you won’t. You’re a big bad pirate. So I guess I’ll have to do all the worrying for you.” She leaned in and kissed Simon’s head.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil laughed. “You have enough worry for half the universe, Dee.” He said. “A cat scratch… Well, I guess it just shouldn’t be a major one.”

~ Zoi

“Only,” she glanced up at him, still smiling, “if it bleeds. His box might be clean, but after he uses it, he scratches in it. So his claws get dirty.” She ruffled Simon’s fur. “I’ve been reading.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled. “You are prepared for anything, aren’t you?” He said. He scratched Simon’s head. “Hear that? You’re dangerous.”

~ Zoi

“No, not everything.” Dradvia hadn’t been prepared for Sisnil. She was going to say more, but Simon chose that moment to roll over, grab Sisnil’s fingers, and gnaw on them. As if needing to prove Sisnil’s statement. Dradvia started giggling.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Hey! Ouch! Simon!” Sisnil complained. He pulled his hand away and shooed Simon. “Go find a toy! Here!” He tossed a toy towards the cat.

~ Zoi

Dradvia giggled again as the kitten darted across her quarters. She took his hand and held it in hers. She bent her head to examine his fingers. “You’ll be fine, it’s nothing to worry about, right?” She was teasing him and grinning while she did so.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil was just silently enjoying her holding his hand for no real reason. Simon had been a bit overzealous, but there was no blood. “Absolutely nothing to worry about,” Sisnil said and grinned.

~ Zoi

She ‘hmmmed’ a couple of times while she turned his hand this way and that, and flexed his fingers. Her mind was full of amusement and teasing. “Yes, well I’m the doctor. I’ll make that call.”

Sisnil chuckled. He let her look all she wanted, keeping his hand relaxed in her gentle fingers.

She held his hand as if it was broken and led him over to the work station and grabbed her med kit. She took out an antiseptic spray and cleaned the scrape. Simon hadn’t cut the skin just scrapped it, but she took out the dermal regenerator anyway and used it. It was all for show. Dradvia was enjoying teasing him. “There, all better. Now, I want to see you again tomorrow to make sure it is still healing properly. Understand?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil let her lead him over and ‘treat’ it. It didn’t need treating. He chuckled again and nodded, “‘Course, Dee. Only for you though,” and he winked, “No one else.”

~ Zoi

Dradvia felt a warm shakiness spread through her along with heat that turned her cheeks red when he winked at her. She swallowed once trying to clear her throat that seemed suddenly dry as she stared at him. After a long pause her brain finally started working again. “Well good thing I won’t ever meet Eli. I would have to tell him, and that would get you into trouble.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil laughed. “Well, you might get me punched. That’s about it.” He said, shaking his head.

~ Zoi

“And then be in need of medical assistance.” She sighed. “Well I suppose I can’t tell on you then. It would go against my oath to cause no harm.” Not that he was at risk of her telling. She would never meet Eli or Noril or Vash. When Sisnil saw them again, he would be lost to her. She ached, the idea left her feeling more alone than she ever had.

She didn’t want to think about it. She looked around, realized she was still in her robe and barefeet and flushed again. “Where did Simon get to?” she asked, changing the subject.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil laughed. “You’d come to realize that my getting punched happens fairly regularly and the most medical treatment I’d get after the first five or six times would be ‘Sisnil, stop pissing off your crewmates, now get out’.” He intimidated her voice, surprisingly well, waving his hand dismissively as part of the imitation. Then he stopped and grinned at her.

~ Zoi

“I would not!” she protested fervently. “I mean, yes I would say that, but I would still treat you.” AND She would give his crew a tongue lashing they would never forget. Assuming of course she had the courage to speak in front of them at all. Angering them could get her turned in to the Syndicate. So she probably wouldn’t berate them like they deserved.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You’d give them that tongue lashing every other day,” Sisnil laughed. “And no one on my crew is turning anyone into the Syndicate on my ship. I’d keelhaul them myself.”

~ Zoi

For the very first time Dradvia did not believe him. She had no idea what ‘keelhaul’ was, but it sounded like a punishment. She had no doubt Sisnil would punish anyone for not following his orders. She appreciated him attempting the sentiment, but she could never believe that anyone would care enough about her. “No, you wouldn’t.” She would never meet his crew or be on his ship. It left an achingly painful hole inside, but that wasn’t new.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil gave her a look. “Yes, I would.” He said, firmly. “The same I would for Vash.” What was he, the slave herder? How did he keep finding them? It didn’t matter. If there was one thing he disagreed with the most with the Syndicate, it was that. “And I’d do the same if anyone here decided to earn a little side money.”

~ Zoi

She gave him her own look. She looked empty, resigned, full of bottomless despair. He might do the same for anyone, but she also knew that depended. He never said what, but he had said he had done things he didn’t agree with. To keep Noril and his crew alive and semi free. She was nothing compared with that. She wasn’t Vash. His brother wasn’t in love with her (not that she wanted Noril to be). Vash might get the fairytale. Dradvia would not.

His last statement scared her. “Have… have you heard something? You think someone in board would do that?” The fear and panic physically shook her. Her hand gripped themselves till they turned pale white. Then she shook her head, “It doesn’t matter. I’m not your responsibility, Sisnil. Just Simon and getting back to your brother.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil took one of her hands and squeezed it. “I haven’t heard anything. I just.... Heh,” he shook his head. “Maybe I’m too paranoid. Maybe you shouldn’t listen to me.” He glanced at her, “You know, my protection of Vash has nothing to do with Noril’s feelings.”

~ Zoi

She looked at him holding her hand, looking as confused as she felt. She didn’t flinch or pull away though. She looked up at him and shook her head. No, she didn’t know that. She didn’t really know much about it at all. He said they agreed so her father wouldn’t sell her to someone else, and that he knew Noril had feelings for her. He had hinted that he and Vash were close, but she really didn’t know anything about their relationship.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I’d do it for anyone on my crew. And Dee, you’re- well, I care about you. You don’t think you’re worthy of that, I know. Doesn’t change the facts.” Sisnil said, looking at her, gaze sincere and focused.

~ Zoi

She felt like his eyes were magnets, pulling her toward him with an inevitability that couldn’t be stopped. She wasn’t his crew, and she never would be. But… He cared about her? It made no sense to her. He was so intent, she couldn’t look away. She wanted to cry, to sob, to vent her confusion, and the deep empty ache inside. But she wouldn’t. Not until she was alone.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled. “Yes, I care about you. No amount of that not making sense to you will change it.” He was shamelessly reading her thoughts, she didn’t seem to mind.

~ Zoi

She looked even more confused, and not because he was reading her thoughts. Any wish she might have had that he couldn’t was long gone. He could, that was the way he was. That was okay with her even if him knowing the things she thought embarrassed her greatly.

No, she was confused because he was so insistent that she know he cared about her. She didn’t want pretty lies, not even ones meant to help her. It would only hurt more later.

At the same time, she desperately wanted, needed to believe him. Even if she only mattered until he was gone and then forgot about her. She was caught in his gaze and couldn’t look away. His black eyes weren’t cold or cruel, but oddly warm and full of life, vitality, something.

She tried to rationalize his sincerity. He was a pirate, he probably lied all day long. Why did he have to be so convincing then? Why did he make her want to collapse and weep and let him make everything right again?

It all warred so obviously through her. He was going to leave and … she couldn’t contemplate what that would do to her. She couldn’t yet accept the feelings growing silently inside her. His gaze and hold on her hand was magnetic, his words like a spell. She was totally unaware of how she had moved into his orbit, close enough to be held against him in his arms.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“I’m not lying to you. I wouldn’t do that,” Sisnil said gently. He would tell her that he liked her too, but… well, his own emotions were almost as twisted as hers. What would that achieve? It would make a difficult situation harder. For both of them. Maybe it was best he just… say nothing? But then… wasn’t spending so much time with her leading her on? Using her so he could be less lonely? He wished there were anyone he could trust to talk to.

~ Zoi

Dradvia had never thought he would lie. He had no reason to do so, but then why else would he be saying such impossible things? She knew he was lonely, that he hung around because he didn’t know how to live without his twin’s constant presence. She was no substitute for Noril, but she understood, had lived, things the rest of the crew never could. Perhaps he was just being kind? Trying to leave behind sweet memories when he left.

Perhaps she should stay away. Dradvia dismissed that notion immediately. She had promised not to leave him alone. The price of his loss was worth easing his lonliness.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

But why? Why was his loneliness so important to her? Sisnil knew part of his interest in her was her past. She was the most familiar kind of person on this crew. One of few crew members here that wouldn’t judge him continuously. He was quiet for a moment. Then he worked up the courage: “Why is my loneliness so important to you? Why do you not simply walk away as… I’m sure you’ve been advised to do more than once?”

~ Zoi

Her brows drew down and her head tipped to the side in confusion. “No one has advised me to stay away from you. Well… Stephens, but he doesn’t count. He was jealous, and possessive, and took liberties.”

She stepped closer, he could smell the soft scent of her soap. “Why? I… I guess because I know what it’s like to be taken by someone, and forced into a life you don’t want. I know what it is like to lose everyone that matters. I don’t want that for you. If I can do something to ease that ache, then I want to help.” She didn’t have much to offer, but he could have everything she did.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil set an arm around her gently, just for a moment, and then leaned against the nearest wall. “You do help.” He said, voice soft. His mind still refused to accept that their situations were even worse comparing. He’d done something to deserve this. And this wasn’t nearly as bad as what she’d been through. “I guess I just… I don’t…” He frowned, having trouble putting words to feelings.

~ Zoi

She didn’t want him to move his arm. So she leaned into him as he leaned against the wall. He was masculine and strong and she wanted to stay in his arms. “What? You can tell me anything.,”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer