Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in You Have To Trust Someone Eventaully

Posted by Ensign Dradvia (Medical Officer) in You Have To Trust Someone Eventaully

Posted by Civilian Sisnil Zoi (Intelligence Consultant) in You Have To Trust Someone Eventaully
Posted by… suppressed (60) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
She stopped at the door and turned back. “You’re welcome, Sisnil.” She left and hurried to get ready for her shift. The showers were occupied, past capacity. Dradvia settled for splashing her face and hurring out. She put her hair up in a quick bun and then went to the mess. Coffee. She needed a lot of coffee. Something to eat too, but not too much. A full stomach always made her sleepy.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil stayed in bed another few hours before getting up later. He headed down to the galley for breakfast, and then hung around the lounge.

~ Zoi

Dradvia could have taken a break for a meal, but she ate before her shift and was done just after lunch. She could wait to eat. Normally a full mess was welcome, but this way she was able to avoid uncomfortable encounters. Which she had been doing for a couple of weeks now. She entered the lounge and was glad to see it populated but only very. She knew a couple of faces at a glance, but only that they were part of the crew. She knew no names.

She grabbed a sandwich and a hot drink from the replicator and then found herself a seat at one of the smaller tables. The rest of the people were a small group of late break takers and a smaller group playing a board game by the lounge chairs. She was eating in the companionable silence when a figure sat, uninvited, beside her.

“Hey Drad. I haven’t seen you in a couple of weeks.” Stevens knew she had been mad at him, so he had given her some space. He had seen glimpses of her, but had not spoken with her. Plus she always seemed to be around that guy. Today she was not. He was irritated over the other man’s…Zoi he’d heard his name was, being so possessive of her. What gave him the right to say whether he could or could not talk to Drad? He also saw this as his last chance since he saw her sneaking out of Zoi’s quarters early this morning. “How are you doing?”

Dradvia looked at him, sandwich halfway to her mouth. She set it down, but didn’t let it go. “I’m fine.” Something in his demeanor made her uneasy. He kept glancing around, and it was awkward to look at him where he was sitting so close to her, rather than across.

He smiled, “Has Dr Tessan finally given you a steady shift rotation? I never understood why the DHs do that with all the newly graduated cadets. It’s almost a regulation.” He chuckled.

“Yeah, I think so.” She picked up her cup and drank. What did he want?

“Yeah?” he was hoping she would say when. It would be easy to figure out, it was a small crew, but he wanted her to tell him herself. “Some of us lower deckers are thinking of having a small get together. You know, get to know each other and what not. You should come. It’s just for junior officers. You know, no guests or senior officers to perform for.” He chuckled again, missing the wince that particular wording caused.

“Umm, I guess it depends on when it is and my schedule,” she was uneasy about outright saying no.

He reached over and took her hand, curling his fingers around hers, his thumb rubbing over her knuckles, “Well, tell me when your schedule is, and I’ll make sure to plan it when you’re off duty.” Her hand twitched a little and he smiled, taking it for attraction rather than the extreme discomfort and rush of anxiety it was. “I could pick you up before and we could grab dinner. There will be snacks and what not, but not the same as a good meal.”

Dradvia pulled her hand back but he wouldn’t let go. He didn’t hurt her, but he applied just enough pressure to create a tug of war she was sure she couldn’t win. Sisnil said that he didn’t think Stevens meant any harm, but she didn’t like it. Stevens squeezed her hand reassuringly, or so he thought.

“Dr. Tessan keeps me fairly busy.” She couldn’t say she didn’t like parties because then he would think she wanted to spend time alone with him, which she did not. “I’ll keep an eye on the social calendar. If I’m off, I’ll decide if I want to go or not. I’m not up for anything right now.”

“Hey, if groups aren’t your thing we can just hang out the two of us. Get to know each other. It’s hard when you don’t know anyone on board.” She smiled cajolingly at her. He tugged her hand a little, ducked his head to look at her a bit, and then pulled her hand toward him. “Come on Drad. You deserve to do something fun.” And he would be more than happy to help her do that. He had to get her to agree before Zoi showed up again. He wasn’t going to lose to that guy.

Her anxiety was out of her control, the sick feeling in her stomach spreading and she felt a need to hide and sob. It rolled off her. She tugged her hand harder until it freed with a slight pop against the table top. She quickly filled her hands with her sandwich. She looked at it, and considered just throwing it away and missing another meal. He leaned forward, his chair moving so they were closer. “Hey, relax, it’s alright,” he set a hand on her arm. “I won’t let the crowd overwhelm you.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil was headed to the galley when he felt roiling anxiety, so much so his stomach almost felt ill. It wasn’t his, it was Dee’s. He turned into the galley and looked around. Quickly he spotted Stevens harassing her. He cut to the front of the line, grabbed food quickly, apologizing to the officers he’d cut in front of, and then strolled casually to the table and forcefully inserted himself between the two. He ended up pushing Dee more than Stevens, but at least he was between them. “Hey, pals, how’re we doing today?” He asked, looking at Stevens.

~ Zoi

Dradvia’s relief was palpable to Sisnil. She had to move some, but she didn’t mind. How did he always know when she needed support?

Stevens was having a similar thought. How did Zoi always know when he was trying to talk to Dradvia? Rumor was he was an Intel officer. Why was he keeping tabs on her. He was dangerous, he could feel it. “We were doing just fine. We will be again when you realize this table is full.”

Dradvia touched Sisnil’s arm. It was the first time she had done so voluntarily. Please please don’t read anything into this. “Sisnil, you’re here. I thought you were going to have to cancel.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

But she didn’t have to worry about that. Sisnil knew her plan as soon as she thought it. “I finished up early,” he said easily, smiling. “I mean, how hard is it to run around the ship carrying things anyway?”

~ Zoi

Stevens eyed them. That was too easy. He had been watching Dradvia, she was shy. Though she had spent the night in Zoi’s room. One night wasn’t a commitment. “Actually, Drad and I were just finalizing plans for Thursday night. We’re having a small gathering for crew members only. I’m going to make sure she gets settled in properly.”

“That’s okay, I’m not a party guy anyway. And if you actually cared about Dee rather than just like how she looks, you’d know she doesn’t like them all that well either.” Sisnil replied. He knew she hadn’t agreed to that, it didn’t take telepathy to know she never would.

Dradvia was too stunned to say anything for a good fifteen seconds. They had not agreed to that. They weren’t a couple, and certainly they weren’t going anywhere together. Stevens stood, reached over Zoi to take her hand back, and she felt like a rope in a tug of war. “No.” It was soft and came out on a confused tone (which was better than scared). What was he playing?

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil let Dee speak for herself. He was there if she needed him, but he didn’t own her. He knew that better than most. She needed to speak for herself if Stevens was ever going to listen.

Dradvia knew she had to speak up. She had learned to do that. “I didn’t agree to anything. I’m not interested, En. Stevens. Please leave me alone.” Stevens wasn’t sure, but he hesitated. His attention was turned away from her by Zoi.

He couldn’t help though but input, “And for further observations you’ve missed, she doesn’t like to be touched.”

~ Zoi

“A Risan who doesn’t like to be touched?” He was derisive. Risan’s were known for their open sensuality. Dradvia realized very quickly with that statememt why he was so interested in her. Stevens glared hard at Zoi. “She certainly didn’t mind being touched when she stayed in your quarters all night.” Dradvia gasped loudly in shock.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“You were spying on her? Are you a stalker now?” Sisnil snorted. “Not that you’re worth sense but she wasn’t staying over for anything like that. She was helping me recover. I broke my ankle in the holodeck yesterday.” Yes, he would admit it, to protect her and her reputation. “Now instead of gossiping about your crewmates’ personal lives, how about being useful for a change?”

~ Zoi

Stevens didn’t believe it. A broken ankle was a fast fix in sickbay. It didn’t require a house call. Dradvia hadn’t removed her hand from Sisnil’s arm. Stevens’ eyes narrowed on her hand and his arm. Doesn’t like to be touched, huh? Well, I can do better than her anyway. His eyes raised to hers. A barb on his lips.

“My personal time is no one concerns but mine. Leave me alone. I’m not asking.” She didn’t want to report anyone, but she would go to Dr. Tessan if she had to. Stevens raised a single brow and glared at her. “Maybe you two deserve each other.” It didn’t sound like a compliment. He was taller than Sisnil, and glared down at him, a threat. He didn’t like him.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil stood his whole 5‘4’’ height and stared right back at Stevens. “I don’t really care what you think. Leave me and her alone and I’ll leave you alone.”

~ Zoi

Zoi made him uneasy before, made him think twice, and that one time had outright scared him. This was worse. “No problem.” He looked at Dradvia. She stared back, but it was hard. She didn’t like the way Stevens kept coming around. “She’s not worth it.” It was a loaded and sickening comment that was meant to tear her pride and save his. He left and Dradvia felt sick. Somehow she felt like the moment Sisnil wasn’t around, Stevens would never leave her alone.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil simply turned and sat back down as if nothing had happened at all. “C’mon, Dee, let’s save this meal.” He poked his fork at her, “You know you can’t go on saving people on an empty belly all the time.” He said and smiled. It was as though the tiff with Stevens were so insignificant he didn’t care at all. He wasn’t worth the thought or trouble. Oh, Sisnil would never hurt him, like he’d promised Dee. He’d strike out in ways that didn’t cause bodily harm if Stevens couldn’t keep to himself.

~ Zoi

She smiled, picking up the pretense, and took a bite of her sandwich. Though she didn’t feel as hungry as she had before. Just more tired. That last verbal jab, had poked deeper into still healing wounds than anything else. She was nervous and anxious in confrontation. Afraid of the consequences, of retribution. Physical connection and trust were near impossible. Close relationships of any kind were a wish that wouldn’t come true. But not being worth it. She shook her head at herself, that… well that was a truth that was her living nightmare. She hadn’t been worth finding, worth searching for, had no meaning to anyone. Just one less mouth to feed in an over crowded orphanage.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Her thoughts rushed through Sisnil’s mind, her despair crushed him. Her pain hurt him. In an instant he switched from jovial and fun to serious and caring as he dropped his silverware and turned to Dee. He set his hands on her shoulders like he did from time to time. “Don’t… ever… tell yourself that lie, Dee. You are worth it. The opinion of scum like him doesn’t matter.” He lowered his voice, “After that comment we both know why he was here anyway. You’re a person. Not just his idea of what a Risan should be.”

~ Zoi

She didn’t bother to try and smile. She just pulled away from his hands. It was uncomfortable. She wished it wasn’t. Sometimes she did better, but right now it was too raw, too tender. “It’s okay. He is one of those who would try to convince a Deltan to break their vow, or date a Betazed to see if the rumors are true. He doesn’t see people as partners, just temporary ultimate diversions.” She shrugged sadly, “Not the way he meant it, but it’s true. No one came looking for us, no one was going to. If the Syndicate took me again, no one will come after me. I have no family to demand it, no rank or importance to make me valuable. If they knew I was taken I would be listed MIA, if they didn’t I would be listed a deserter.” She looked back down at her plate and forced herself to take another bite.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Am I not worth it either, then?” Sisnil asked. “Sure, Noril might come looking. Or he’ll bow to the Syndicate. You think Starfleet would come to my rescue?” He snorted. “They’d think the trash took itself out.” He didn’t set his hands back on her, he instead rested them in his lap. “Besides, Dee, I care. I’d rip the Syndicate apart if I had to.”

~ Zoi

“You have someone that cares about you. Two someones at least. Noril and Vash. They may have to be very careful, but Noril will never stop looking for you. Just like you wouldn’t for him.” She sighed. They both knew Star Fleet would look for him. To make sure he hadn’t stolen secrets. Maybe not the ideal way to get rescued, but it was there.

She looked at him sadly. He sounded so sincere. It made her chest hurt in a way she wasn’t gamiliar with. It made her want to cry. “I’m sure you mean that right now, but you can’t. You would put Noril, Vash, and the rest of your crew in danger if you did. I’m… I’m not worth their lives and semi freedom. It’s okay.” She had a terrible sense of swlf-worth. Oh she had been throughbtherapy for it, but it was a hard thing to overcome.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Maybe not all their lives but yours is worth the same as mine or anyone else’s.” Sisnil said. “And maybe I’d have to do it carefully but I’d still be trying to find you.”

~ Zoi

She stared at him a long time, her food forgotten, her drink getting cold. She didn’t understand why he would do that, but she believed him. “Thanks Sisnil.” She turned back to her food, staring at it instead. Picking at it, but not really eating.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil was giving her a look. “Eat.” He said, in his best compassionate Captain voice. He started eating his own food.

~ Zoi

She glanced up at him, startled out of her self pitying thoughts. “Aye, Cap’n,” she said so softly no one else could hear her and grinned. She turned back to her food and made herself eat. All she really wanted right now was sleep. It hit her hard as the adrenaline crash hit her.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil finished his food and made sure she finished hers. His smile was unmistakeable when she called him cap’n. “Okay, let’s go,” he said when she was done. “Do you want to go to your quarters or the hologarden?”

~ Zoi

Dradvia was tired, she should go to bed, but she loved the hologarden he made. The mention of it perked her up. “The garden.” They got onnthe lift and headed down. “Sisnil,” she said his name hesitantly, “Thank you. I… well it sounds stupid, but my brain sort of stops processing when I … get put into situations. I know what to do, but it’s like my brain can’t send the signals. So, anyway. Thank you.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled again. “I’ve spent so many years using my abilities for bad reasons.... I guess I’m trying to figure out how to do it right again.” He said. “I just… I don’t care what anybody thinks of me but for that officer to see you that way… And the way he made you feel…” He clenched a fist and then relaxed it. “I promised you I wouldn’t do anything and I won’t. But I hope my warning was heard loud and clear.”

~ Zoi

She turned to look at him, “You were surviving.” It didn’t excuse everything, but there weren’t always choices in those situations.

“Was I?” It was a question he’d struggle with for the rest of his life.

She touched the back if his hand. Light and fleeting, but she did. He was angry on her behalf. It stunned her and then made her feel warm and comforted. She shouldn’t say so, but, “I hope your warning was heard, too.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

There was a warm, fluttery feeling as her hand brushed his. Sisnil smiled at her, relaxed as ever. “If not, there are ways to be persuasive without causing bodily harm or ruining his life or anything.” He grinned, “I can be very mischievous, my dear Dee.”

~ Zoi

She shouldn’t grin back, but it was contagious. He was charming, magnetic. Nothing phased him, nothing scared him, nothing cracked his confidence. She had a brief flash of curiosity of how mischievous he could be.

The endearment set her heart fluttering, made her feel warm and light. She wanted to lean against him, let him make everything alright, hold the broken pieces together. She almost did before she remembered herself. She looked away, shifting her weight slightly away. She wasn’t made for such things.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil almost put his arms out for her, but then she looked away and shifted and he shifted too. The lift stopped and the doors opened and he started walking. “Come on, Dee. There’s a bunch of koi with my name on them.” And a certain holographic cat.

~ Zoi

“You aren’t going to eat them are you?” Dradvia asked appalled. She liked the koi. She had even given them names. She hadn’t told anyone that, but in her head she had. She even had a long conversation with Umbra about not tormenting the koi. The cat had been unimpressed.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil look horrified. “No way! How could I eat Ayame??” It was, secretly, his favourite of the koi. The name was hers. “The koi aren’t for eating.”

~ Zoi

She laughed. She hadn’t really laughed in so long it shocked her. She didn’t recognize the sound. “I didn’t thi…” She stopped. Ayame. He knew. She hadn’t told him. It didn’t bother her, it was part of who he was. It was normal and ordinary for him. Like walking into a room and hearing people’s conversations as you passed.

She laughed. She laughed. Sisnil loved her laugh. But then something changed. Not just her voice, her whole demeanor, the emotions he felt in her.

For Dradvia though, it was intimate. She couldn’t feel his emotions or hear his thoughts, but it made her feel connected. It made her feel understood and accepted. Like she wasn’t a single drop of water in a vast moistureless vacuum. And it really hit her then, that he heard all of it. That he must be aware of her confusing feelings and insubstantial longings. She didn’t understand them or know what they were, but he must. He must understand it better than she did.

Was she leading him on? Teasing him? Dradvia would never do that, she wasn’t capable of thinking and purposely acting that way. It would still hurt him, intentional or not. What was left of her heart shattered in that moment. It hurt enough to cause her to curl into herself. She would never be pieced together enough to even be a good friend to someone. She wanted very much to be his friend and more, but she didn’t know what that more might be.

She took one and then two steps back. Horrified at herself. “I… I’m sorry Sisnil. So v very sor sorry.” She couldn’t say anymore as her throat closed hot and tight on the grief. Grief for something she didn’t understand. She turned and walked blindly down the corridor. Her vision blocked by the watery pools that spilled. The last thing she really wanted was to walk away from him, but she was too broken, too frightened, too much not worth the effort to fight the need to flee.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

No. No. They were going to go to the garden together. Where was she going? She couldn’t just leave him there. He was normally so calm and cool, but Dee… He’d connected with her. He wanted her there, looked forward to their time together. Wasn’t pieced together enough? That was nonsense! He rushed after her, looking hurt and… almost scared. “Dee, where are you going? What about the holodeck? Dee, don’t go. Please.”

~ Zoi

She stopped. She didn’t want to look at him. She was ashamed. She was hurting. She was afraid of what she would see. She made herself look anyway. Even through the tears she could see how much she had hurt him. She felt like she was dying. She couldn’t answer him through the knot in her throat. She didn’t know where she was going. She just didn’t want to hurt him more. She couldn’t face how she felt.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil moved towards her, stopping a short distance from her. Far enough away not to invade her space, but close enough to be a bit personal. “Please, Dee. Come to the hologarden.” Sisnil looked at her, sad and upset. “I want you. How you are. You’re worth it, to me. Don’t go.”

~ Zoi

She didn’t know what to do. Dradvia didn’t want to hurt him. She knew he was lonely, alone. She tried to help. She’d already hurt him. She couldn’t do it again. She didn’t want to. How could she when she would just hurt him more?

He couldn’t want her. He shouldn’t. She didn’t even want herself. He wanted to be near her, she could tell the way he got close but stopped. She couldn’t be touched, she couldn’t touch others. What kind of friend couldn’t comfort another friend? A non-friend, like her. It was tearing her apart.

If she went, she would still be hurting him. He could hear and feel everything inside her. She couldn’t say no to him. She’d promised. Dradvia looked away, hugging herself. She nodded. She would go with him.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled a little and turned back towards the holodeck. He told a few steps and then stopped. “Dee. I don’t care what you think, you can’t leave me, okay?” He said, voice soft.

~ Zoi

She stopped when he did. She nodded, unable to speak. His words didn’t even ping her anxiety. She knew he wasn’t ordering her, but all she could hear was that her thoughts did hurt him. She felt even more sick. She was too confused by her own feelings and guilt to understand what he meant. She kept walking, head down, letting her hair hide her face. The last thing she wanted was Stevens to still be watching her and say or do something to Sisnil because he made incorrect assumptions.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil started the program when they arrived. He sat down by the water, legs crossed, and watched the fish quietly. The cat, Umbra, started circling around him, rubbing against him.

~ Zoi

Dradvia followed him quietly. She felt unworthy of such a serene place. She pushed it down so he wouldn’t hear. The program was amazing. So detailed, so exact, so lifelike with the passage of time. She pushed that down too. Every thought was discarded before it formed. Every feeling buried.

She no longer had the luxury of contemplating her confusing feelings. She had to keep them away. If she didn’t understand her own feelings, how could she let him sense them? That was cruel. She couldn’t feel anything, but the swirling miasma was still quite clear to Sisnil. She watched Umbra greet Sisnil and then love on him. Eventually she sat on the ground, nestled in the roots of a tree and watched the scene. Unaware of her own tears or the despair that ate at her.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Don’t hide your emotions, Dee. It’ll only make it worse,” Sisnil warned softly from his spot. “You need to feel and contemplate them and not worry about how they affect me. Otherwise they will get worse and you’ll hurt yourself and me more.”

~ Zoi

More… more… more… more The word echoed over and over in her head. It banged and gonged and sliced torturously through her. It occurred to her that he sounded like a therapist. Dradvia couldn’t hurt worse. She knew. She’d lived with the pain of what happened to Kryssa for almost six years. Now, she was hurting Sisnil. Except this hurt worse because it was her fault. It was easier to not feel and hide from it. It was like trying to make yourself look in a mirror after being horribly injured. You knew it would look bad, that you would never be the same, but it was too frightening to actually look.

She wasn’t sure how buring her feelings would be worse than confronting the swirling ugliness of the unidentified and conflicting emotions in her. She didn’t even know what those emotions were. She tried to convince herself it was better for him to not try and figure it out where he had to listen. It must be a horribly confusing and frustrating thing to deal with. But really it was just easier for her to hide because Sisnil already knew what she was feeling.

She stared across the pond, past the building, to the landscape beyond. She couldn’t wat the koi. They made her happy, delighted her, and she didn’t deserve those feelings. She supposed he was right, but there wasn’t a lot she could do about it. It was stay numb or fall apart. Falling apart seemed to overwhelming. She curled into the small spot next to the tree.

It was getting cooler, the wind nipping as it passed by. Dradvia felt that at least. The cold, the shivers, but it wasn’t so bad. This was cool, but she knew cold. Cold that shook the joints till they ached, cold that made you cry and sob hysterically. Cold that leached the ability to breath. Freezing until the only feeling was a tiny point in your very core that was warm and fading. This was cool, chilly, made her at least physically feel something. Her eyes were drawn back to Sisnil and Umbra. The cat was head putting him on the chin, insisting on attention. She could watch him with the cat all day and be content, soothed, relaxed.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil pet the cat a lot. It was actually pretty cute to watch. He summoned treats with the computer and used them to teach the cat things. Eventually he looked over at her and smiled, “Dee, come here. What’re you sitting back there by yourself for?”

~ Zoi

For a moment, blissful images raced through her mind. Of walking over to or running to him. Curling up in his arms, being able to let him hold her hand. Laughing and playing with Umber together. Laying back, watching the brilliance and complexity of the sky he’d programmed, feeling warm and peaceful beside him. Feeling safe. Dradvia glanced away until she could compose her expression. She wasn’t made for such things, not anymore. It confused and upset her that she was having such thoughts. They were inappropriate and cruel to Sisnil. Even if he hadn’t turned out to be the kind understanding person he was, but had remained the mean, angry, cold man she first met, he wouldn’t deserve that.

When she was sure she could talk without her voice cracking, even if it was still tight and slightly forced, she spoke. “Because I’m confused and…sad.” She was heart broken, but she wasn’t going to say that. That confused her more, how could her heart be broken when it didn’t feel anything anymore?

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil stood and walked over to her. Umbra trailed behind him. He knelt down in front of Dradvia. “You are capable of feeling things. Stop telling yourself you’re not. And you are worth it. You deserve the same things everyone else does.” He sighed softly and smiled at her, “And you need to allow yourself to have and consider the feelings you’re having.”

~ Zoi

She was staring somewhere around his chest, but off to the side, hugging herself. The wind softly blew across them, and she noticed how it ruffled his hair. “I can’t Sisnil. It’s not possible for me, so there is no reason to consider it.” Only in her books could she allow such a thing. That’s why she adored the cheesy romance novels. The hero always saved the woman. Saved her, healed her, helped her live a normal life. She could be loved and love them back. But those were just stories, and that wasn’t her life. It was archaic and backwards to the world today, but the stories drew her, gave her a chance to escape into a happy ending that she would never have. She’d never be able to love someone back, and even if she did, she’d never heal enough to be able to show them. She hugged herself tighter. “It’s not fair to you, and I’m sorry. I’ve heard people can block telepaths. I’ll figure it out so it doesn’t bother you anymore.” Her gaze shifted to center on his chest. “I’m sorry. I really am, it’s not fair for you to deal with the confusion and brokenness in me.” Tears pooled and spilled over, the cool air chilling them on her embarrassed cheeks.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Please stop apologizing,” Sisnil said. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. And I’m not bothered by feeling you that way. It’s just how Betazoids are. I have my own ability to manage that. I don’t need or want you to block it.” He looked at her again, “Dee, look at me. Look.”

It took her long moments to find the strength to look at him. She wished she could go back 30 minutes. Just 30 minutes to before she realized what her thoughts were doing. When he was just her friend, and she could maybe be his. She raised her gaze, but wasn’t quite looking at his face. Still he waited. He was quiet, kneeling in front of her, one hand being absently prodded by Umbra for attention. There was no anger on his face. At least, she didn’t think so. Finally her eyes met his, and the painful ache sounded through her again.

He waited until she did, “The only thing making it impossible is your belief that it’s impossible.”

~ Zoi

“I can’t,” Dradvia shook her head. Tears choking her voice. “I don’t think I can ever trust someone that much. If I ever learned, you’ll be gone by then.” She glanced down at her hands. “There are… scars.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“There are always scars. Hiding yourself away won’t make it better, it’ll make it worse. You’ll get lonely. You’ll…” He cut himself off. Kryssa wasn’t the only person to take that option. “I don’t expect you to get better right away, or even anytime soon. I just want you to have hope that you can.”

~ Zoi

He was so sweet, so sincere, so caring. How did he survive being forced to work for the Syndicate? The answer came immediately: Noril. Noril and Vash. They were his family. They helped him cope. They were strong together. It was a travesty he had been yanked away from them.

She looked back up at him. “I am better.” But was she? Or was she just better at pretending because she had to be. She was the one who took care of the others when they were hurt or sick. They looked to her for guidance. She had had to at least act trusting so she could convince the others to accept their help. Was she still just doing that? She wasn’t sure.

He could see and feel the uncertainty in her. “But hope of what, Sisnil? I don’t know what ‘getting better’ would even look like.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil shook his head. “I don’t know either.” He held out a hand, “So let’s find out together. Okay?”

~ Zoi

She wanted so desperately to just reach out and take his hand. Like in her little daydream. To just set her palm against his, curl her fingers, and hold on tight. Every nerve, every instinct, screamed at her. Don’t let anyone touch you! She only managed to not jerk away. She raised her eyes to his in anguish. The conflict within her making her sick. It was a leap of faith she wouldn’t even contemplate for anyone else. Her fingers flexed towards him, a silent plea, but she wasn’t sure for what.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil set his hand down and smiled at her instead. “It’ll get there. Okay? See Doctor Tessan. He’s your psych, isn’t he?”

~ Zoi

Dradvia felt like she had failed some kind of test and there would never be a retake. She nodded, “Yeah. He’s also my department head,” and a complete stranger that she could never share these thoughts and feelings with. It was too risky, too vulnerable. “I… I can’t talk to a stranger about it. I hate therapy.”

She abruptly changed the subject, “How’s your ankle?”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

“Better,” Sisnil said, sitting on the ground so he could show her. He turned it all around. “Strong as ever. My side, too. Thank you.”

~ Zoi

“I’m glad.” At least she could heal the physical broken pieces of others. “No more training with no safeties, okay?” It lacked the conviction from earlier. More like a plea, but that was selfish. If it got him home to his family he needed to go. He would get home, and he couldn’t have lost his edge. He wouldn’t survive the return if he did. That would be a hell worse than watching him get hurt over and over.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled mischievously. “We’ll see,” he said, but he had that look in the eye. It gave the sense he was going to listen. “Let’s go watch the fish.” He said. As he did, Umbra padded up to her and nosed her hand gently.

~ Zoi

Her fingers jerked at the sudden touch. She looked down and smiled slightly. “Hi Umbra.” She scooped the cat up into her arms and pressed her face into the fur. Umbra purred loudly, vibrating in Dradvia’s arms. She stood careful not to drop the car and followed Sisnil to the pond. She wasn’t sure she should go with him, but he wouldn’t go without her. Drasvia knew how much he liked the fish, so she wasn’t going to do anything to stop him.

She sat, cross legged, on the edge of the pond, holding Umbra. She stared at her hands as she pet the cat deom ears to tail. Watching the fur smooth and puff, and the slight vibration from the purring.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

That was the whole point, of course. To make her relax through her wanting him to. Sisnil started to feed the fish, to get them to come towards the surface. Umbra began to gently lick Dradvia’s hands.

~ Zoi

“Oh! Wha…?” Dradvia looked down at Umbra. The cat licked her again. “It’s rough.” She was surprised and quietly delighted. She snuggled the cat. “I wish I could take you out of here with me.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil laughed. He wished he could have the cat too. “Their tongues are rough to help them clean themselves.” He said to her. “It feels funny, doesn’t it?”

~ Zoi

Dradvia nodded, her eyes just a little softer. “I always heard cats were anti-social. Is it just your program that makes her want to be around you?” The koi were social too, but she thought that was the food.

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer

Sisnil smiled, “No, cats have personalities.” He thought a moment, “Think about how… Not all Betazoids are emotionally open, or not all Risans are sensual and… Well, adventurous. Cats have a reputation for anti-social behavior but it really depends on the individual. A lot of them like people and bond strongly with who they love.”

~ Zoi

“They are like our Kah-hei birds. They can be very loving or very aloof and aggressive. They can also become very attached where they can’t be left alone at all. I never really liked birds though. Well up close, anyway.”

Ens. Dradvia, Medical Officer