Posted by Commander Janusz Korczak (Counselor) in Decisions and Uncertainty

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Sharah Fayth (Chief Star Fleet Medical Officer) in Decisions and Uncertainty

Posted by Commander Janusz Korczak (Counselor) in Decisions and Uncertainty
Posted by… suppressed (38) by the Post Ghost! 👻
Sharah had a lot to consider, but she wasn’t quite ready to discuss anything with Charles and Yavia yet. Just thinking about it made her stomach churn and anxiety fill her. She was also starting to wonder about her health. Something felt different but she couldn’t put her finger on it. She had an appointment with Korczak, and she was sure he would set her straight before she ever sat down. The idea made her smile. Whatever force caused her to meet him, she was infinitely thankful.

She arrived for her appointment a bit early and checked in then took a seat to wait.

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

The door slid open to the serene office inside and Korczal stood in the doorway. He smiled and said “Sharah. So good to see you. Come in.” and he gestured her inside.

Sharah stood and made her way into his office. She adored the space. It was calm and tranquil like the man that occupied it. Sharah always felt comfortable here. It was hard work, but she never felt like just a patient, just a list of boxes being checked off.

She made her way over to one of the plush chairs, slipped off her shoes and curled into the seat. A clear sign of self comforting, but also of knowing she was in a safe space.

Once inside and with the door closed, Korczak went to the replicator and made a lot of hot water. He then went to the cabinet behind his desk, retrieved a tea bag from a small wooden box and , setting it inside the pot of hot water, moved everything to the small table in the middle of the office. “So… what brings you in today?” he asked.

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah wasn’t sure where to begin. She had her sketch book as always. They were still working through everything that had happened on the Centurion. It was so simple and yet so very complex. There was always something more, some detail that became clear.

And then there was the PaDD and how she had been feeling. And of course the bombshell McBride dropped on her. “A lot, and I’m not sure where to start. I’m not sure what is … bothering … making me anxious the most.”

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Korczak shrugged and said “Well, there isn’t any formal chronology for discussing feelings. So just pick a place and we can just dive in. Or we can sit on the edge and dangle out feet… wholly up to you “

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah grinned slightly. She hadn’t expected any other answer. “Captain McBride called me to his ready room. I’m due for reup. He wanted to know what my plans are. He also informed me, but I already knew, I would probably be transferred.” She shifted a little, twirling a long curl around her fingers. “That idea never bothered me before, but… I don’t want to leave.”

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Korczak nodded. “Well… as far as a concern goes, you seem to know what it is you want and what it is you do not want. So that, at least, removes the uncertainty, now does it not? You simply have to find a way to stay. And for an officer and medical professional of your caliber? I do not doubt that you will have anything but minor administrative hurdles to overcome to stay. Far too many individuals with considerable influence would make sure that you do, if you wanted to.”

Korczak, Counselor

That was true, but it made her… uncomfortable she guessed, to ask for that favor. “I… I’m not sure I do know, Janusz. I signed up for the shortest tour of duty. I never had long term plans.” She stopped twirling her hair and took a breath before looking back at him. “I didn’t expect to still be alive. There was no reason to make my own plans. Just go where Star Fleet sent me. Now… what if they,” the way she said it, the affection, was clear she was speaking of Charles and Yavia, “don’t want me to stay?”

“I know. I have no reason to think so, and I have to talk to them, but… I’m still afraid they won’t.”

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Korczak did something he had never done in a session before in his life… he laughed. “Oh, my dear. You know as well as I that is simply not true. Nor does it have any basis in any reality… especially this one. No no… drop that weight right now. You know better than anyone that is not nor will it ever be the case.”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah was startled by his laughter and hurt. It wasn’t that easy. No one stayed around. She could mark her life as a series of rejections and abandonments. She knew she struggled with feelings of inadequacy, acceptance, and being wanted. She battled with the effects of a childhood being raised in a society that was terrified of her, and nothing she did made up for the sins she never committed.

She sighed sadly, resisting the urge to twirl her hair. “No, I don’t. I can’t see the future, Cmdr. I hear thoughts, I feel emotions, I experience the subconscious as a constant white noise. None of that allows me to predict how things will change, it doesn’t allow me to know what thoughts and feelings are lurking underneath conscious awareness.”

“Please don’t tell me I can’t not live because of fear of the future. That I have to keep going. I do. Every single day. It doesn’t erase the pain or the fear.”

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Korczak looked at her with an intensity that no other mortal being could replicate. “Ah, but you see… you can predict the future. Not because of your gift. Not because of some kind of precognition. You know them. You have lived a life with them. And they with you. And the change I have observed in you over the time since you became a part of that unit is dramatic.” His gaze softened and he leaned back a little. “I would be willing to speculate that you haven’t seen the changes in yourself. They have been slow, but significant. You are more strong now than I have ever seen you. You are more sure, more resolute. It shows in how you deal with others. In how you present yourself. In your very comportment. Before Charles and Yavia, you would never even have contemplated the future. You would have just gone along. Now?” and he leaned forward, the intensity returning.

Had she changed that much? Korczak wasn’t given to exaggerating or false compliment. Sharah knew he was capable of it, even using it strategically, but never here. He would never strain trust like that.

She’d had dreams and wants before, but, no, she’d never voiced them or pursued them. What was the point? So perhaps she had changed some, but she didn’t feel like she had.

“Now.” Korczak continued, “You are not only thinking about the future, you have plans. Goals. Wants. Two years ago you would have simply drifted along wherever the current of time took you. But here… with them… you have found life, Sharah.” He leaned back and looked at her for a moment, his eyes narrowing a bit. “How have the headaches been? When was the last dissociative episode you have had?” It was obvious that he was thinking something.

Korczak, Counselor

Well, that brought her to the other thing bothering her, and why she was apprehensive about staying. In the long run, it might be kinder for Yavia and Charles.

“They’re… not as constant, but when I have them, they are much worse. Or that could be my perception because the constant pain isn’t with me.” Sharah knew how that worked.

She had to think about the last episode she’d had. “Umm… a week ago. Though I’ve been more tired lately. Not a lack of energy, but falling asleep. It’s hard to wake up. I dozed off in my office a couple of days ago.” Sharah had never needed an alarm clock. She always woke up when needed and was always a light sleeper. Charles had picked on her the other day because Yavia woke up to all the noise in the house and she didn’t.

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Korczak’s eyes widened slightly. “A week? That’s encouraging. And the lack of constant pain is also significant.” He thought for a brief moment and then said “Let’s see how you are doing physically, shall we?” He stood up and went to a low cabinet and took a medical tricorder from a drawer. He came back and sat in front of her, running the sesame basic scans they had done before… and he paused as he looked at the results. He then proceeded to do them again. He looked at Sharah, and his usually unreadable countenance showed clear surprise and confusion. “This is… unusual. Let me run a diagnostic and then we will run it again. Don’t worry, there is nothing wrong. Just… perhaps different.” He ran the diagnostic on the device and it chirped all clear and functional. He then ran the scan a third time, and then simply handed the device to Sharah and said “Look.”

Korczak, Counselor

It wasn’t usually a week between episodes, but it had been this time. Though she would totally blame that on Yavia and the fact she’d forced her to take a few days off after the last one. The woman was like a Klingon saber bear that was trapped with a cub. She sat quietly while he ran the scans. When his face showed confusion, she felt apprehension run through her. She waited, twisting her fingers about while he ran the diagnostic and third scan.

She took the tricorder and looked at the results. Her Psilosynine levels were still exponentially high, that was nothing new, and the activity in the paracortex was equally high. The C-reactive protein (CRP), which was usually equally high from the inflammation caused by the damage of her condition was low. Well low for her anyway. Her finger tapped on the small screen looking at the details of the scan. The inflammation of her paracortex, the resulting damage, seemed to be… healing? She looked up at Korczak, confusion on her own face. “I don’t…” she was hesitant to say she was getting better. That wasn’t possible, was it? “Am I … Janusz, what do you think this means?” Sharah was strict about not self-diagnosing, not about this anyway.

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Korczak wasn’t just a therapist. He was also a highly regarded neurologist. And it was in that vein that he responded. “We will definitely need to run more tests, of course. But from this initial scan? It would seem that your brain is healing.” He paused and thought for a moment, reviewing the results of his mind. “Your psilosynine levels are normal for you. So a drop there is not the cause. Your CRP has dropped significantly… and that would, in turn, lead to less dissociative episodes and also deeper sleep. That would explain why you have felt so tired. Your body is finally getting productive sleep. That will also be factor in the changes we see. You have rarely if ever achieved substantial REM cycle sleep. All humanoids require rest for their bodies to repair damage, reset systems, and process energy efficiently. ” He paused and looked at her again for a moment, and then he smiled slightly. “I think we should adjourne for the rest of our time and make our way to Sacred Heart. Some blood tests will confirm whether or not the scans are accurate. After that, we can plan a course to try and figure out the why.” He cocked his head slightly to the side and smiled. “You know… if this actually happening… the healing process should speed up as it goes along. We will use today as a baseline and test you again in a few days. That should give us a timeframe to figure it out.”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah sat there, staring at nothing in the space between them. She was… healing. Janusz thought she was healing. She couldn’t quite wrap her mind around it. “It is well documented that Betazoid brains have an extraordinary ability to heal themselves. We, supersensitives, lack this ability.” Or at least that was theory. “There are no documented cases of one of us ever healing. The damage becomes so severe that we die from it. Usually very early in life.” This was nothing new to Korczak. She wasn’t really talking to him, simply voicing what she knew. Her eyes focused on him. There was immense amount of caution with no room for hope - yet. “How?”

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Korczak shrugged. “I do not know. But we can do some tests, find out how this is progressing… hopefully identify a cause. One moment.” He stood and walked to his desk and tapped the comms. =/\= Commander Korczak to Sacred Heart Neurology. Please prep an examination room and have the lab standby for samples. I will be coming in with a patient and would appreciate… discretion. We will arrive in ten minutes. =/\= There was a short pause and then a voice said =/\= Yes, Commander. We have exam room D available now in the Neurological Recovery ward. It is at your disposal. Neurology out. =/\= Korczak nodded once and then looked at Sharah. He gestured to the door and then said “Shall we?”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah smiled at the tone and easy answer. When she first arrived on Oed, that conversation would have been must worse. Dragged out over jurisdiction, resources, Fleet ordering civilians around, use their own space, etc. Now they all simply focused on the patients, no matter who they were or what they needed.

Sharah set her head down and stood, slipping into her shoes. “Yes. No answers will be found sitting here.” Though she had no doubt if she tried, Korczak would simply beam her to the hospital anyway. She was quiet on the way there, worrying the possibilities in her head. She wondered if she were dreaming, afraid to hope.

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Korczak looked at her and said “It’s perfectly fine and normal to feel anxious. And to fear hoping for something positive to come from this. But do not forget to experience the positive emotions as well… this is a significant circumstance. Potentially even life-changing. Enjoy the thrill of possibility.”

Sharah gave him a refund smile, “I know, it’s just… surreal right now I guess.”

The shuttle took them from the Fleet Administration facility directly to Sacred Heart. As Korczak had privaledges there, he had arraigned for a full neurological bay; complete with all the diagnostic tools available. He had reserved it under his name, not Sharah’s; knowing her position and involvement with the staff, he wanted to keep the testing done as confidentially as possible. They walked off the shuttle pad and into the turbo lift, exiting on the Neurology level and walking straight into the bay. Korczak chose not to acknowledge the looks from several of the staff as they saw him (who lost didn’t know or even seem to register his presence) and Sharah go inside.

Korczak, Counselor

It never ceases to amaze her how little people noticed Korczak. The man was such a unique and important presence in her life. Even the first time she met him, she couldn’t fail to notice him. It was wild. People recognized her of course and she gave then a nod with a professional smile.

Entering the bay she made her way over to the biobed and lifted her small frame onto it, turned, and laid back. It had been awhile since she had had a full neurological workup, but she remembered how long it took.

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

“Alright…” Korczak said. “This is going to be a fairly straightforward test to start. We’ll do a full scan and overlay it with your previous scan. That will allow us to see what, it anything, has changed. That will also give us an idea of how fast or slow the change is. Ready?” he asked rhetorically as he started the scan.

Korczak, Counselor

Shatah grinned, “Of course.” Then she grew quiet, focusing on relaxing and breathing steadily.

The inttial scans showed the same overactive production of Psilosynine along with over firing of the synapses in her paracortex. What was different was the amount of inflammation was down, and the tissue damage, which increased a percentage every year, had stopped. It might have even been fractionally lower than her previous scan. Given the normal rate of damage, this change seemed to have happened in the last 6 months.

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

“Hmm.” Korczak said softly to himself. “Well, you can relax a bit. It is good news.” he said to Sharah. “Your overall inflammation levels are noticeably decreased. And while I can’t be absolutely certain, I would hazard a strong possibility that the damage to your paracortex is actually healing.” He looked away from the display and at Sharah. “Think back for me. The last six months. What has changed for you that is now a constant in your life?”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah let out a deep breath. She hadn’t been holding it, but she breathed deeper. She trusted Korczak to not make unfounded hypothesis, so he had reason to think she really was healing. “Six months?” She closed her eyes and thought back. Charles and Yavia? No they had been together longer than that, and nothing dramatic had changed there. Except she felt more confident.

There were no changes in her medications. There was nothing she took regularly and nothing new. She ate more regularly. She didn’t skip meals anymore, lost in her disassociative episodes. “My diet is better, but that started when I moved in with Charles and Yavia. So that’s longer than 6 months.”

She reached up to rub her temple. A old habit when she was trying to think and the noise was too loud and giving her a headache. Except she didn’t have a headache right now, and the noise was manageable despite not having her headband…

Her eyes flew open and she pressed up on her elbows and looked at Korczak. “My headband. I started using it regularly about 6 months ago.”

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Korczak nodded. “The one that was designed to minimize or eliminate psychic input… yes. Yes, that would make sense, in an overly simplistic fashion.”He thought for a moment and then said “Your entire life, your neurological system has been under constant bombardment. No relief from the massive amounts of input it received. Decades of constant assault. But now… now you have been able to rest. To not be constantly on guard. You have been able to take a breath. Think of it like exercising a muscle. Without recovery time, the muscle will actually be damaged by the efforts to make it stronger. Your brain is the same. It needs recovery time. And your headband grants that. So your brain is able to rest .. recover from it’s exertions… hence the decrease in inflammation.” He looked at the scans again and then at Sharah. “Hypothetically speaking, of course… but that would make the most logical sense.”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah contemplated that. Of course she knew that the constant input damaged her brain like an overworked muscle. Like a muscle that would break and tear without healing rest, her mind would literally break and she would die in the end. There was no way to let the mind rest.

Until now.

After years of searching and disappointment after disappointment, a kind gift from a near stranger (well at the time. Now he was a very dear friend) had given her a cure of sorts. “We should test it, see if that is really what it is. This could change things for people like me.”

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Korczak nodded and then thought for a moment. “Alright. We already have a baseline of the rate of damage. What we need is to establish is the rate of recovery and if the headband is the actual cause of the reversal. When was the last time you used the device?”

Korczak, Counselor

“3 days ago,” Sharah said without hesitation. She kept strict track of her use of the band. “I wore it for 4 days except when it was charging. Yavia insisted after an incident with a patient.” Was Sharah allowed to discuss patients? No. But in this case what happened had a direct effect on her own health, so yes she would discuss with Janusz. She knew he would keep it all confidential. “I have it with me.” Again because Yavia insisted. She’d wanted Sharah to wear it, but Sharah was firm in not becoming dependent upon it. It didn’t seem to have any detrimental side-effects, but dependence carried it’s own risks. So they had compromised on Sharah taking it with her incase she needed it.

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Bump

Bump

“You do? Excellent. Let’s have you put it on and see what happens.” He waited for her to place the headband on and then watched the scans closely.

Sharah sat up long enough to pull the box out of her bag. She opened the lid, which revealed the headband nestled into a fitted space and a monitor screen on the lid that tracked everything from her readings to the mechanics of the band. She lifted the device out and set the box aside.

When she had first used it, it had been painful to get it adjusted. Now, Sharah knew exactly what she should be feeling as she adjusted the setting and then turned the power all the way up. There was still a slight shock as it kicked in, but it wasn’t really painful anymore. Once she had it adjusted and turned on, she laid back on the biobed.

At first, nothing happened. The only noticeable difference was that her prefrontal cortex activity fluttered ever so slightly. He was silent for a few minutes and then slowly, very slowly, he smiled. “And there it is. Sharah… look.” and he handed her a PaDD so she didn’t have to sit up.

Sharah had patience, and didn’t expect for Korczak to see anything for awhile. She actually expected to be laying there for an hour at least before he would be able to see anything. In the meantime she enjoyed the silence and the peace. It was still strange and slightly unnerving just at first, but she was grateful for the gift of reprieve the headband gave her.

Her eyes snapped to Janusz and she took the PaDD he offered her. Her eyes darted over the screen.

On the display was a meticulous scan of her neurological activity. If they weren’t discussing the possibility that her life was about to significantly change, she might even have been impressed by the configuration Korczak had used to find the barest, smallest changes in her as the headband blocked all of the input. But there, in the midst of all the normal (for her) activity and even damage… right there, in real time, Sharah could see the stressed and damaged portion of her brain rerouting synapses and generating new neural pathways that didn’t just bypass the damaged portion of her brain; but actually supported the damage and she could see the synapses and protein exchanges starting to re-fire as they were no longer over taxed and overburdened by the constant and all-encompassing input.

It was impressive, the diagnostic and imaging he was getting. She had considered going into Neurology herself at one time, but that wasn’t where she was drawn. It would have been a selfish choice, to simply save herself.

She watched the images in disbelief or awe or maybe confusion. That was her name and medical file number. That was her brain images, except different. Like a younger version of her brain. She knew what she was seeing, she knew what it meant, but…

Janusz smiled at her. “Sharah. How do you feel right now? What are you thinking?”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah didn’t answer right away. She watched the screen, enthralled in what she was watching. Almost afraid to look away; like it might stop if she did. The feelings were overwhelming. For all the emotions she felt every day, every hour, from every person around her. The hours, days, weeks in total she had spent identifying and naming those other feelings and then her own, Sharah had no word to name what she was feeling right then.

Her eyes grew blurry and she blinked causing the tears to spill over and run down her temples and into her hair. She licked her lips, eyes riveted to the screen. “I’m not sure. Overwhelmed, hopeful, scared, excited, nervous, disbelief, awe. I really don’t know.” She stared at the screen, watching as her brain healed bit by bit. She was watching it as it happened. She didn’t feel different than 5 minutes ago, yet she was. Her eyes blurred again with the strength of her emotions. Dare she say what she was thinking? What she was hoping? “I’m not… it’s not… my ill, my condition, it’s not going to kill me now is it?”

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Janusz watched the scan data carefully, but he smiled. Without taking his eyes off the screen he said “I do not know that answer, Sharah… but I know that this is significant. At this rate, I would estimate… six months? A year, perhaps? You could see an almost total reversal of all the damage you have suffered since you arrived here.”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah blew out a breath. Six months to a year. She couldn’t quite fathom it. She knew the danger of being too hopeful, to assume results before they happened, but the implications were overwhelming. Wiping her eyes, Sharah blew out another breath. “I guess we need more frequent scans.”

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Bump

Korczak nodded slowly in agreement. “Indeed. I would like to do them weekly at first, at least until we get a better understanding of the rapidity of the reversal. We should also do a comparative analysis… perhaps one or several days with the headband as much as possible; the same time without it.” Korczak smiled at Sharah. “I mean, it is far too early to make even the most uneducated speculations… but I am comfortable saying that what I would like to see is that the rejuvenation speeds up as your brain tissue becomes stronger and better capable of dealing with the sensory input. Remember that from the very first formation of that tissue, it has been bombarded by input without respite. We do not know if your gift could be managed by a completely healthy brain. Perhaps that has been the missing component. Those with your same ability could simply be unable to rest their synapses long enough for the brain to become strong enough to handle the signals.” He shrugged. “Maybe there is a way to manage this.”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah nodded slowly. “There is so much we don’t know.” She breathed out slowly. “I’ve been researching and studying since I was old enough to understand. I always hoped to find something, anything that would help. I just didn’t think I would find it in enough time for me.” But to be able to pass on that information to future children like her, would have been worth it.

“Set up whatever scans you want, I’ll make sure to adjust my schedule.” Sharah continued to watch the scans. If she blinked they might disappear. She did finally look over at him, a tentative smile on her face. “I knew I had to talk to Charles and Yavia, but there is so much more to tell them than I expected.”

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

“Well, news of this magnitude and positivity should not be kept a secret long. Go talk to them, Sharah. We are done here for now.” Korczak said as he turned of the monitors. “Go home. Tell them the good news. And if Yavia has questions, as I’m sure she will, answer as best as you can. And I’m here if you need any help.”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah sat up slowly, handing him back the PaDD. She looked nervous in a good way. “Thank you, Janusz. For everything.” She slid off the biobed. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently. A rare action for her, but she seemed to need the contact. “I am sure Yavia will have thousands of questions.

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO

Korczak smiled and said “I’m sure we all will as time goes on. But for now, lets focus on what we do know… and that is you are getting better.” He shut off all the equipment and then looked back at Sharah, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Go and be happy, Sharah. This is a very good day.”

Korczak, Counselor

It would be one of Sharah’s top five days of her life. “Do you think unexpected and very sudden and overwhelming happy news is a legitimate reason for a mental health day?” Sharah never played hookey. She took off enough days for her health. But if there was ever a day, today was it.

Lt. Cmdr. Fayth, SFCMO