Posted by Captain Eela Dasca (Lt. Governor) in Dasca’s Apartment- The Comfort of Friends

Posted by Civilian Astrid Rousseau (Chief Justice) in Dasca’s Apartment- The Comfort of Friends

Posted by Captain Eela Dasca (Lt. Governor) in Dasca’s Apartment- The Comfort of Friends
Posted by… suppressed (10) by the Post Ghost! 👻
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Long before Eela disclosed her and Roger’s one night trist, Astrid could guess it was coming. A deep friendship of that nature meant that at least some time in their lives, they each had considered the other for partnership. To deny ever thinking it would have been a disservice. Why wouldn’t you consider someone who was that close to you and that in tune with your wants and needs as a partner? For a moment, Astrid felt envious of her friend.

“I am glad you have had that with Roger. I think he is your safe harbor. And…” She paused, considering her words. “I believe if a one night didn’t hurt your friendship, a relationship will not. If you are as close as you say you are, even if it does not work out romantically over the long term, you are good enough friends and people to respectfully end the romantic side. You might need a little space after, but it won’t end your friendship at all. Therefore, you should go for it. Who knows, Roger may ease that sense of being so overwhelmed. You owe it to yourself to give it a chance.”

Rousseau, HotJ

It was so unexpected but as the tears welled in her eyes Eela realize that Astrid’s words were everything she had needed to hear. “You’re right, of course. You don’t maintain a friendship for over thirty years without knowing how to talk things through. I mean, it’s not like we haven’t had arguments or rough spots. And he has always been there for me no matter what.”

Her heart sympathized as Eela’s eyes glistened with unshed tears. Maybe she simply needed to talk all this out with an understanding ear. It made Astrid feel a bit needed and that helped her as much as her words helped Eela. Astrid had been missing friendship from her life for a long time. Urg was a good Klingon and she knew he would want her to come to him for anything, but she knew that some aspects of friendship were best left for women.

She drew in a deep breath. “I confirmed with a friend that something with Roger scares me, because I know it would be intense. And it’s complicated now because I have feelings for another person who is here on Oed. It’s all very complicated.” She snorted. “I suppose it wouldn’t be my life if it wasn’t.” She had picked up that thread of envy from Astrid, but she wasn’t sure yet how her empathy would be handled by her new friend. It took time to work those issues out and so Eela tried to be cautious at the beginning. Goodness knows she had gotten herself into serious trouble in the past when she hadn’t been mindful.

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.

“Intense and complicated. Why didn’t you say so? It sounds like the easiest thing in the whole universe!” Astrid shrugged dramatically and then began to laugh.

Rousseau, HotJ

Eela laughed too. “Ahh, I keep joking that if my life were boring I’d be dead, so I might as well just get used to the drama.”

Eela turned to face Astrid more fully, mindful to not twist her back. “I’ve always been non-monogamous. A good number of my peole are, so it’s not uncommon. But I married a Human was was monogamous. Our arrangement was simple: when we were together, it was just us, but when work meant our lives were apart at times, as they often could be, then we were both free to seek companionship as we needed. I had thought he understood that need because I was Haliian. I’m not sure if I’m ready for serious relationships yet. Cory’s… visit, and him grabbing me just shattered so much of what I thought had been reality. And then Dash dying. But I have known that I don’t want to be monogamous. I don’t want to make compromises anymore than deny who I am. Who I love. I let everything else chip away at the person I had been. And now that I’ve found that person again, or a new version of her, I don’t want to repeat the same patterns. I want to be free to love whomever my heart is drawn to, but I realize that not everyone that meets that qualification will be okay with my being with others. And then of course I am the Lieutenant Governor, and in the public eye. I don’t fear judgement in that way, but I won’t be able to protect my partners fully from the media. So I feel like I have to live in secret to keep them safe. Or am I just making it more complicated than it needs to be?” It was a genuine question with a plea in her tone. Eela wanted Astrid’s opinion whether she had direct experience with the subject or not.

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.

Astrid smiled ruefully and shook her head. “You apparently have not employed the Public Relations person I have recommended yet.” She gazed at Eela for a long moment, the pleasant expression remaining on her face. She wasn’t offended that Eela had not hired the person or only used that person for the struggles with Cory. Lt. Governor was a social and political position even though it was a Star Fleet position. The same rules still applied. “I believe there are many people in offices of power like ours that still live significantly private lives. I believe Polyamory is prominent enough that it isn’t scandal worthy if you are honest about it if asked. Simply reiterate that you and your partners like to lead private lives and you ask the public to respect that.”

Rousseau, HotJ

Eela gave a sheepish grin. “Soon, I promise. It’s been… hectic.” She sighed and leaned against the sofa, letting her thoughts percolate as she took in her patio. “I suppose the comment about safety is more than just a public presence.” She gazed at Rousseau again. “It’s hard to let down my guard and just let people take care of everything. My home’s safety was breached a second time after Cory. Unrelated to him, I’m fairly certain. But it put into the spotlight that those around me endure a level of risk, and as much as I trust my team to take care of everything, to let them hold responsibility for my safety, that’s a lot to ask of potential partners, even ones I have such a deep connection with already. After Dash… I’m scared Astrid. For me. For others. He…” She swallowed and forced the tears back. She’d cried enough lately. “He died a very short time after leaving my bed. It’s hard to shake that, especially after everything else I’ve been dealing with lately. I’m trying to not shut down, and to keep letting people in, but it’s almost painful how hard I have to fight that impulse.”

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.

At the mention of Eela’s home being breached twice, the blood left Astrid’s face, making her look far more pale than she usually was. For a moment, she was back in her kitchen facing Tyson and knowing that she was in visceral danger even with an entire kitchen island between them. She blinked rapidly and shifted to check the tea, busying herself with preparing cups as Eela expressed her concerns and her heartache. She struggled to pay attention and not live in her own world of fear and remembrance. She told herself firmly Eela obviously needed a friend and she needed to put her trauma aside to help.

The Chief Justice looked up as she heard the hitch in her friends voice. Taking a deep and steadying breath, she said with deep compassion, “You are doing just fine. You have a lot of emotions right now. You don’t have to let people in right now or you can go the opposite and let yourself lean on others. Either decision is yours to make and is neither right nor wrong… it is simply what you need. People will understand and if they don’t they are not people you want around you.”

Rousseau, HotJ

One did not practice as a therapist for as long as she had without being able to pick up cues from people. Eela was also an empath. “Sometimes it’s hard to know what you need, and if that truly is the right choice. What can feel right n the moment can cause problems afterwards.” She reached out and, after hesitating a moment, rested her hand on Astrid’s arm. “Are you alright?” She reached up with her other hand and tapped her head. “Empath.” She almost explained how being next to someone in an open conversation like they were required her to keep her mental shields lower, but the reality was that it was partly cultural and partly just her still being a bit frazzled in less control of her mind after the Kuskaaritz.

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.

Astrid placed her hand on Eela’s and squeezed before pulling away. She felt cold despite the temperature and she didn’t want to be touched but she also did not want to make Eela feel bad for having touched her. She gave her an apologetic look before continuing to busy her hands. “I too had a break in twice in my home. I actually think I might sell it and find another home. I feel… like it’s not mine anymore. What once was a sanctuary, now feels wrong.”

Rousseau, HotJ

She nodded emphatically, mentally chastising herself for being so free… again. It really was a bad habit she needed to break herself of. She had no right to impose her cultural inclinations upon others. She had known this deeply while in Starfleet, but here on Oed, she had let too much in and it was hard to find that balance again.

“This is sincere when I say it, but I understand. When Cory grabbed my by the foyer and we had our argument, I threw the vase on the floor to get him to stop and listen. Afterwards it was like the whole place had been tainted by our rage, and by his jealousy. There was a tangible feeling in the air that made me want to throw up, so I left. Sought somewhere safe with friends. When I returned a friend helped me cleanse the space using a combination of rituals from both our cultures. Whether it did anything in actuality, for me it gave me a sense of control, a sense that I was doing something to make the space mine again. I could mentally excise Cory even if scientifically it might not do anything of consequence. And after the most recent breach, I took my same decoction and repeated the rituals. I had put so much of myself into this place that I was adamant that I would not be driven out.”

She smiled warmly at Astrid. “But that is me and my circumstances. Finding a new place might be what you need to do for your own well-being. Just know that there are different options out there and, trust me how much I understand it the inclination, try to not make the decision out of fear. Because the fear will follow us, no matter how many safety measure we put in place.”

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.

“I have found that to be very true.” She said with a half smile as she let herself continue to prepare the cups for the brewed tea. Finally satisfied everything was in its place, she stood to properly angle herself to pour. “I have not decided yet if I want to give up the place. It is a full house with such a lovely yard. It has an indoor and outdoor space that opens up to each other and feels in real harmony together. Before I came to OED V, I never had a place like that. I lived in tiny apartments… more luxurious as I got older, but small and meant for only one person. I think when I came here, I was looking to start a life and a family. I do not know if I want to give that hope and feeling up yet or transplant it to a different home.”

Eela nodded.

She finished pouring and set the kettle back down before settling in her seat once more. “Maybe a ritual would help me too.”

ROusseau, HotJ

Accepting the cup of tea. “It certainly can’t hurt,” Eela said. “It can help to at least try something that resonates with you, even if you ultimately choose to find a new place. A lot of it is simply about taking back some control over our own spaces. That sense of control is the true thing that is often stolen from us in these moments. Or so I’ve found,” she added with a small snort.

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.

“The only thing you can truly control is yourself and even then sometimes the body and mind can fail you. True and total control is an illusion, no matter how comforting.” She took a sip of her tea and set it down to add a touch more sugar. “Maybe i should just become meaner and strike first more often. Lord Durocs head of security keeps coaching me to go more for the jugular. ‘Show them no mercy for theg shall certainly give none to you.’ But I still struggle with it.”

Rousseau, HotJ

Eela bobbed her head to and fro. “I think learning different ways of being so that you can do certain things out of necessity can be useful, but I also have learned that going against your true nature is only harmful in the end. It’s easy to let others change who we are and trust me, Astrid, when you lose your way, it’s incredibly difficult to find your way back because you have to figure out what is true about yourself and what is not.”

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.

“The only time I have ever gone for the jugular is in the legal way. Writing my research publications or helping to draft a better law than is currently in use. Physically hurting others is definitely not something I naturally gravitate to. However, I would say that both my physical training and arms training has come along well. I am significantly more capable than I used to be.” She sat back and sipped her tea, enjoying the warmth of the cup on her fingertips.

“You sound as if you have first hand experience about losing yourself. Do you want to share?”

Rousseau, HotJ

Eela was no longer backing away from the subject and in many ways, talking about the major transitions in her life in recent years was helping her not only cope but reframe everything that had gone down.

Hands wrapped tightly around her cup, she blew out a breath. “I told you a bit about how my ex-husband had been psychologically and emotionally abusive, and that was the method of manipulation he tried to use on me when he showed up at my place. But when I first came to Oed we had been separated for awhile and were awaitign the final divorce decree. It wasn’t until I was physically away from Earth and out of his immediate reach that I could finally breathe and start to reexamine my life. At least through my training I was all too aware that I needed to go slowly, that I needed to tackle one thread at a time, lest I unravel everything too quickly and ceased being able to cope and process.”

Eela leaned forward and set the cup on the table, turning herself to face Astrid, her eyes full of mixed emotions. I confided in a new friend after a few weeks here that I was starting to notice negative self-thoughts that would surface in my mind that weren’t mine. There was a series of them and when I stopped to examine them I realized that most of them were from Cory. Things he had said to me over and over again over the years that I had eventually come to believe. That friend made me write them down and then write a positive counter statement. That exercise broke me in a way that is hard to explain, because the abuse and dysfunction of my marriage was right there in front of me.

“And then you also have to factor in my accident. Most people don’t realize how much it turned my life upside down. I lost my ship, my crew, my career, as well as a part of my physical mobility and personality and cognitive processing all in one moment. One explosion. Boom, gone. Ever since my medical discharge I was searching for who I was now, who I could be if I wasn’t in uniform. And I loathed ever second of it. I resented it. And Cory’s behaviour got worse over that time. It was only when I was away on assignment with the Diplomatic Corps that I felt like I could breathe and just be myself, whomever that was.

Astrid understood the entanglements of abuse all too well and she ached for her friend’s personal pain. A husband should be a partner and a safe place to go to when all the rest of life is chaos. while she had no experience with serious life partners, she did understand how abuse of any kind could utterly change a person and how they perceived the world around them. She also understood what it was like to break away from that abuse and life view even for a short time. It could give you a perspective and relief from the constant trauma. Some could use it to empower themselves to leave. Some couldn’t. She imagined Eela had much on her mind in those moments of freedom.

“Oed has changed me, and me life, Astrid. It’s forced all the trauma and buried thoughts and feelings to the surface and forced me to confront it all. I wasn’t just lost, I was hiding. I’m still trying to figure out who Eela Dasca is. I’m reclaiming the things I realize I left behind that were important to me, like my spiritual and cultural practices. I’m also getting more comfortable with how I move through the galaxy, both physically and mentally. That the changes to my body and brain are not bad, just different. Don’t get me wrong, the issues with my back I’d happily do without, but they’re not stopping me from moving forward in my life.”

She shook her head. “I thought that moment in my apartment where Cory grabbed me was the one that broke me, and I do think it did a little. But I’ve since come to see it as being broken open, and while it’s a painful process, I’m grateful for it. As strange as that is.”

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.

“It’s not strange at all.” Astrid gave her a reassuring smile. “Anyone who has been through abuse and come out the other side has that moment of breaking open the shell of who they were to welcome who they are now. I imagine most feel grateful for the transition that happens due to that moment.”

Rousseau, HotJ