Posted by Civilian Kenzo B’tren-Hyrushi (Governor) in Self-Doubt is a Captor

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Sharah Fayth (Chief Star Fleet Medical Officer) in Self-Doubt is a Captor

Posted by Commander Janusz Korczak (Counselor) in Self-Doubt is a Captor
Posted by… suppressed (28) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Korczak watched her closely. “Don’t fight it, Sharah.... let it do what it will… the storm is not your enemy… it is part of you… The chaos of the storm is the chaos you feel. It is yours… accept it for what it is… let it accept you.” he said softly, guiding her as he could. “The storm is not your enemy, Sharah… the storm is not your enemy.”

Korczak

It was hers. She didn’t want it to be hers, but that wasn’t within her power to change. She made herself relax though she had to work at it. She set her hands at her sides against the couch and leaned back against the cushions.

In her mind’s eye she stared up at the storm as the raft pitched and spun. Long tendrils reached for her, the waves speeding the tiny raft closer to the thing inside the storm. If you are me, why do you look like a monster? There was no answer, and try as she might she couldn’t get the dark figure to look like a reflection of herself. Was she, Sharah, just a mask hiding the monster? Instead should she look like that? A gapping dark malevolent entity? She was afraid if she looked at herself, she would find she looked like, she was the monster.

It was not her enemy. It was not her enemy. It was not her enemy. You ate not my enemy. Even in thought she sounded scared and uncertain. She kept repeating it anyway. A large wave rose and rushed the small raft toward the wall at the very center of the storm.

Sharah always knew it would consume her one day. It would swallow her whole and on the other side of death would be endless pain.

One long taloned hand grabbed the raft. It was too late for Sharah to turn back. Her hear raced and pounded with fear and resignation. A single telepathic thought rocketed from her, never to reach those she loved most. I’m sorry.

The talons shattered the little raft and snatched her into the whirling winds and waves, tossing her about with malicious glee. The noise, the sceetching, was unbearable. You are not my enemy. You are not my enemy. Sharah repeated it over and over, the only anchor she had. The thing screamed denial and hatred and was suddenly quiet.

On the couch a single tear escaped her closed eyes. Then suddenly Sharah’s body began to convulse violently. Her body slumped sideways as it jerked.

Then it stopped as suddenly as it had started.

Sharah

Korczak moved quickly to a tricorder and then knelt next to her. He didn’t call Medical, not yet. After all, on the ship, he was the only neurologist anyway. He ran the scanner over Sharah’s head, looking at all the data he could see.

Her brain was functioning as if she was having a seizure… but she actually wasn’t. Instead of the chaotic and u controlled burst of electrical activity associated with a seaizure; this was an intensely focused and powerful telepathic input. But the input was coming from her. He tapped his communicator. =/\= Commander Korczak to Sickbay. Please have a biobed on standby. I will not be bringing the patient in right now, but be prepared with a full neurological suite. =/\= =/\= Understood, Commander. =/\= came the prompt response.

Korczak sat down on the floor next the couch and kept scanning, making sure to keep an eye on her vital signs. “You are doing just fine, Sharah. The storm is not your enemy. The storm is not your enemy.” he repeated over and over softly.

Korczak

It was silent. Sharah looked around. Gone was the sea and the storm and the lights. There seemed to be a bubble and on the other side she could see the storm raging, pounding relentlessly to get in.

“Yeah, I’ve been here before. With Charles and Yavia. Things were too chaotic for us to understand what it was though. Charles doesn’t give himself enough credit. Given enough time and exposure he would have figured it out. Man wait until you meet his sister.”

Sharah spun around towards the voice and came face to face with…

Herself

The other her smiled. “I know, it’s a bit weird isn’t it?”

“Who are you?”

The other her laughed, “I’m you. Well, I’m me. You are me and I am me. I am not two separate beings or personalities. I am just fascits of myself that have been forcibly ripped apart.” The other walked slowly around Sharah, and Sharah turned watching this strange entity. “No not strange entity - myself. I look haggard though. Took me long enough to get here. Of course others like me, never made it, so the fact I did is pretty impressive.”

Could you get a headache from hallucinating? Sharah was pretty sure she was getting one.

The storm is not your enemy.

She smiled, or they other smiled? They both? No just one of them?

“He’s not wrong, the storm isn’t my enemy. That monster out there is, but the storm is not. The storm is the imbalance caused by what the monster has done.”

Sharah glanced outside the dome as the thing screeched and threw itself against the barrier. “What has it done?”

The other Sharah laughed, “Wow I’m really stuck aren’t I? I know I’m smart, but why am I just being dense?” She waved around, “I remember the stories of the four gods. It’s true, the went into our thoughts, memories, and dreams. They created a subconscious telepathic connection between all of us. My gift really is that, a gift. It was supposed to be like a shamanistic effect. That’s why I can hear and feel subconscious thoughts and feelings. It’s a spiritual link to the gods.”

“So you’re a god?”

The other rolled her eyes at herself. “Noooo. I need to stop being so distrustful. I mean I know I have reason for it, but Korczak is right. I really need to start trusting myself. Look, over the centuries we, as a people, lost sight of our spirituality for the science and everyday mundane secular things that were going on. And then some people did some really bad things with the gifts the gods gave us. It sucks. We lost so much. Long story short, people became scared of the gifts we, those like me, were given. And through that subconscious link the gods created for us, well their fear and hatred and self-loathing and what not grew and grew until it became, that.” She waved at the monster outside the barrier.

As if aware it was being discussed the thing became more agitated and aggressive. Sharah flinched, her head ringing with pain. She was confused and scared, and she wanted Charles and Yavia. A firm hand rested on her shoulder. Sharah spun to find Charles’ grandmother standing there.

The other laughed, “Hi Mildred. It’s all more than a bit much. I’m glad you’re still here with me. I like the chanting.” Mildred Red Corn’s eyes held Sharah’s. She hugged her tightly, kissed her cheek and then pushed her towards herself before fading back into the other faces of Charles’ tribe.

“So we… I mean I just stay here? Trapped by that thing?”

The other shrugged, “I mean, I can just stay here. Or I can go back. I can go back the way I was or whole. Preferably I’d rather be whole. It’s nice here, but man do things get weird at times. I know, what about that,” she pointed at the monster and made faces at it. “It will always be there until our people learn that our gift isn’t the dangerous mutation they think it is. Also when they stop using psychology to trap us. I understand that now, right?”

Sharah took a breath time seemed to pass forever as disjointed information came to her and she put it together like a 5 million piece puzzle. “I think so… the training they put us through is like psychological brainwashing. It’s not meant to be cruel, but it creates a trap that is strengthened by the fear that permeates that subconscious connection through all of us. In essence almost creating split personalities.”

The other smiled at herself, “Yes exactly that. Korczak would be so proud I figured that out all on my own.”

“Does that mean the pain and exhaustion and all that will stop?”

“No. If carrying this gift was easy then anyone would receive it. I imagine I’ll be using that wonderful headband Hyrushi gave me a lot. I know he likes me right?”

“He does not. We can’t… I can’t read him.”

“Of course not, but I am very good at body language. I’ve had to be. Why else would he go to all the trouble of having a cure found for me? He’s a really nice person, but come on. I won’t remember that though when I go back. I won’t remember a lot of things.”

“Why not? I mean there is so much here, that…” The other her raised a brow and looked at her, “Because everything before was just prologue. The adventure begins when I go back.”

“What about the monster? Going back will just get rid of it?”

“No, it will still be there, but someone has to fight it and get rid of it. Until our people can accept, and some never will, it will always be there.”

“So I’m supposed to be some kind of mythical spiritual hero? That’s absurd.”

“Only if I want to be. I can choose to not do anything about it, but I’m not that way. That thing is hurting more than just me, and I can’t stand that.” There was stillness for a long time. “I really should get back. It’s been hours probably there. Longer here. Time is weird, but Korczak is going to start worrying and I don’t want that. I really want to go back whole,” she pointed at Sharah, “and I do too. Otherwise I wouldn’t have come here. I just need to take my own hand and walk through the barrier.” She held her hand out to Sharah, “OH! When you meet Abby, ask her to help you remember. She’s really good a the vision quest thing.”

Sharah had to be hallucinating, this was all just too weird and confusing, but made so much sense at the same time. Was that really herself or … trust she had to trust herself. What if that wasn’t herself? Now she really had a headache. The other just laughed as she debated in her… their? head over it. Nothing would change though if she didn’t do something. She reached for her own hand…

The bubble shuttered and glass like shards rained down as the monster screamed in defiance. There was a loud roar and the ground shook. The demon went quiet and disappeared. Sharah looked up at the massive altered, but uncomprehensible horned beauty of Kvaar’ton the Builder. The other sighed, “He’s SO scary. He doesn’t mean to be. He’s really nice. Never says anything though. The monster doesn’t like him, but I like it when he visits.” Kvaar’ton looked down at Sharah, and she had that same sense of everything and nothing she had the first time she’d encountered him and Urg. The large Klingon deity stared down at her almost clasped hands and nodded once.

Sharah grasped her own hand, there was a flash of blinding light…

Sharah, only one Sharah, was sitting on a raft in the middle of the ocean, lights flashed and twinkled about. The wind and waves blew the sea roughly, but the storm seemed to be far off, and on the other side red malevolent eyes were pushed further away. The storm was still there, the monster too, but right now, where she was was chaotic but peaceful. The vision faded into blackness.

Sharah

Hours it was not. Minutes… long minutes where Korczak sat on the floor scanning… watching… and repeating the mantra. “The storm is not your enemy. The storm is not your enemy. The storm is not your enemy.” When the vision in Sharah’s head faded to black, so did the focused psychic input Korczak had been monitoring. The scans now showed normal brain activity… but with a clear and somewhat startling increase in neural pathways… specifically around Sharah’s paracortex. He watched closely, but other than that singular change, Sharah was just as physically sound as when she walked into his room.

Korczak

Sharah slowly became aware of her surroundings. The cushion of the couch underneath her, the sound of the tricorder beeping, the sound of Korczak’s breath, and from the location he was sitting near her. She expected to hear and feel nothing. Events like this one always burned the psilosynine out of her system. Leaving her levels far too low to be useful for a day or more.

The opposite was true. She could feel Korczak’s presence and hear the static that was his mind. The stress and alertness of the crew as they prepared to find the runabout and injured crew. Calls home, conversations of small talk, orders for food, prepping of their own shuttles and equipment, letters, dreams, sleep, but it all slipped away like someone ignoring the background noise in a crowded room.

Her head didn’t hurt exactly, but she did feel light headed and shaky like her blood sugar was low. The vision was already fading except for small bits and pieces. She tried to hold onto them and that was when the dull ache in her temples started. Air was pulled deep into her lungs, and a hand came up to rub at her temples. “That was weird.”

Sharah

“That is certainly a word, isn’t it?” Korczak said with a small smile. “How do you feel? What happened? Talk me through it, and then we can discuss the science.”

Korczak

Sharah turned her head slowly to look at him. “I feel confused.” Her voice was oddly steady. “Light headed,” she lifted her hand, flexing her fingers, and it shook just slightly. “Maybe like I need to eat.” She took a breath. “I was talking to myself, and she… I? I found it very amusing.” She explained the conversation about the training and the forced separation of herself. Something about the storms being caused by an unbalance. “There’s a monster in the collective subconscious.” She rubbed her forehead, the details were fading. “And gods. There are gods too.” She sighed, “I sound crazy.”

Sharah

Korczak stood up and went to the replicator, coming back with fruit juice and cookies. “Here. You glucose levels dropped rapidly. And no, you do not sound crazy. You sound as if you had an epiphany.”

Korczak

Juice and cookies. She felt like a little kid, which at the moment was not a bad thing. She sat up slowly, bracing her hands on the couch against the dizziness. She took the juice and took a healthy drink of it. “Thank you.” Sharah laughed softly, “An epiphany. It sounds like I became wise, but I just feel confused.”

Sharah

Korczak sat back in his chair and said “Confused… okay. Let us start there. Confused about or by what?”

Korczak

Sharah snagged a cookie and ate on it for a minute. “It’s just bits and pieces that I can remember. I know there was more to it, or I feel like there was. It just won’t all come together. What I can remember is like…a kaleidoscope that hasn’t been turned enough for the pieces to make a picture.”

Sharah

“That’s not how kaleidoscopes work.” he said. “And this is part of accepting, Sharah. Sometimes things will slip, and that’s alright. What is important now is… how do you feel? What are your thoughts on what happened?”

Korczak

Sharah smiled, “Well, no, but it was the best analogy I could think of.” She finished the rest of the juice looking thoughtful. “I feel … the same but not. It’s… I don’t know how to describe it.” She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. “The storm is still there but further away and … calmer I think.” She opened her eyes and smiled slightly. “I’m not sure what I think about it yet. It’s still processing.”

Sharah

“And your gift? Is it still the same?” he asked.

Korczak

Oh now that was a question she wasn’t sure she was ready to look at. The question was out there though. “Yes,” then as she thought about her telepathy, it got much much louder. “No…it was quieter.” As she turned her attention back to Korczak the noise went down to a quiet buzz. “Oh that’s weird. It’s there just the same, but it’s like ignoring the noise in a crowded room.”

Sharah

“And how is that different from before?” Korczak asked.

Korczak

“Before… I can’t… or couldn’t…” Sharah wasn’t sure. It could simply be a side effect of overload. An outlier. “I can’t turn it down. Or ignore it. Like in a crowded room, at first it can be very noisy and very very loud and you can’t concentrate or understand anything for all of it. But after a bit your ears adjust and you can focus on the sounds you want to hear. The rest seems to get quieter.” She finished the cookie and took another. “Really your mind is just picking and choosing what it processes. But I can’t … couldn’t … do that with my telepathy. It is loud, noisy, painful, chaotic, and confusing constantly.”

Sharah

“But not now?” he asked, genuinely curious. “What is like now?”

Korczak

“Well, I’m not certain. Anytime it’s overwhelmed me, taken over, I faint, I passout,” which was scary rather than embarrassing, “and after my telepathy is wonky. Sometimes nothing and returning suddenly, sometimes more erratic than usual. So… I’m not sure I’m doing it, but…” Sharah slipped her shoes off and sat on the couch cross-legged nibbling a cookie. “Right now, if I think about my telepathy, focus on it, it is loud and wild and chaotic and painful and overwhelming and scary. Like it always has been.” She sighed, “Usually it takes concentration to pay attention when people talk to me. To hear their words over the storms. Even with you. I can’t hear your thoughts, but I hear everyone else.”

“Now it’s fading. It’s still there, just as chaotic, but,” she sighed again, frustrated trying to put things to words. “We’re talking and I know it’s there, but mostly I just hear your static until I pay attention to it.”

Sharah

Korczak looked at her for a moment, waiting. Finally, the corner of his mouth turned up a little and he said “So it’s just background noise… like the humming of rhe engines, the cycling of power cells under the deck, the chrlirping of birds in a park as you walk. Like <every other instance of living>.”

Korczak

Sharah nodded, “Yes, like that.” She looked hesitant but cautiously hopeful. “I don’t know if I’m doing it or it’s just acting weird from overload. Like a misfire.” It was kind of like the headband. It kept things quiet but didn’t turn it off completely. But eventually she got a headache the more input it tried to block. “We are far away from Oed and its traffic, and the crew is small.”

Sharah

Korczak shook his head. “Enough. Enough of that, Sharah. You question everything. That in and of itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing… but you use it as a crutch. You defkect acceptance with inquiry. You do not allow yourself the opportunity to simply accept that something is just inherently good. It is a self-destructive behavior, and it stems from how you have been programmed to think about yourself.” He leaned forward and pointed at her. “And you are far too intelligent and self-aware to allow that to continue.” and he leaned back and waited for her response.

Korczak

Sharah blinked, once. It was rare that Korczak was so blunt. He was always direct, but usually he led her to figure things out on her own. His statement was in line with what that other, she, had told herself. The corner of her mouth twitched slightly. “You’re right.” He knew that, but it felt good to say it, to agree and know it was true. But there was more, and hearing Korczak say she was programmed made it bubble to the surface. “I’m angry Korczak. Were they even aware of the damage they were doing? Betazed has one of the top psychology schools and hospitals in the quadrants. Someone had to know that what they were doing was not just detrimental but harmful and cruel. They did it anyway, or allowed it to happen.” She wasn’t angry at her parents, they had taken her everywhere they could for help. Did what the experts on their world told them was best. They had been misinformed. “And trepidation, I’m afraid. And that’s me questioning again, I know. It just feels like the solution was far too simple after searching for one all these years.”

Sharah

“Sometimes the simplest answers are the hardest ones to find.” he said with a nod. “As to the culpability of the doctors and leaders on Betazed? That is a question far removed from our present. For now, you need to concentrate on you. The rest is a matter for the future.” That was, of course, what he said to her. But in his mind he was already contemplating how to take the psychologists and caretakers on Betazed to task for such an obvious and blatant misstep.

Korczak

Sharah nodded, but didn’t quite agree. She knew there was work, recovery to do. That meant focusing on herself. But people like her were rare, even if there were more recently. Many died in early childhood, and that wasn’t okay. If she didn’t advocate for herself and for them, who would? No one. That was a thought for the near future though. She took several breaths, letting the air move and cleanse the tension and confusion, or at least release it. Then she looked at him. “I need to heal and change. I need help to do that. Even if I can do it alone, I don’t think I should.” Sharah did not believe in self diagnosis and treatment. When it came to her mental health she had been doing a lot of that lately and she needed to stop.

Sharah

“A good perspective to have.” Korczak said. “While we are here, when there is time, you and I will discuss the next steps. For now, though… I think you have accomplished a huge goal today. I want you to process the change and work on simply accepting the step. Don’t analyze it or try and break it down. Just accept it happened, and let yourself experience the shift. Can you do that?”

Korczak

Sharah laughed slightly, but it was genuine. It felt good to laugh. She had come because Markus’ request had gutted her. It still hurt, deeply; it would never not hurt. She knew without doubt or question now that she was not wrong or selfish in her bounderies.

“As you pointed out, I’m not very good at accepting and not questioning things.” She had also told herself she was far too cynical. “I will do my best. I am sure I’ll need to be reminded.”

Sharah

“Of course. But i am certain that even the need for reminders will gradually fade as you move forward.” He smiled at her. “You did very good today, Sharah. I think you will realize that much more over the next few days.”

Korczak

She hoped so … wow she was bad at accepting. She shook her head and laughed a little. “I hope I remember more of what happened. It feels like a fading dream, but I really want to remember.” She stared into the middle distance trying to recall more of it. “Distraction is good for helping things settle. In a few hours we should be plenty busy I suppose.” Then she would really find out how things had changed.

“Don’t worry about remembering.” he reminded her. “Just accept what is now. The rest will come back or not. And believe me when I say that forgetting is also a gift.” and he gave her a knowing look.

Sharah smiled in understanding, knowing he was right.

She wanted to go home. Not because she was scared or sad, she just had this overwhelming drive that she needed to be there, home, their circle. There was something she needed to do or was supposed to do? It would have to wait a couple of days.

Sharah

“Let us adjourn for today. We will ralk tomorrow, schedule permitting, and go from there. Does that work for you?” Korczak asked.

Korczak

“Yes.” She blew out a breath. “I think I could do with some sleep before we arrive. We have a patient with a head injury, so whatever you did to get confined to quarters should get resolved. We will need your expertise in sickbay, Doctor.” She smirked cheekily at him. “Is there anything I can do?” She was, after all, his DH as far as this mission went. That was so weird!

Sharah

“Oh, I’m not ‘confined’, per se… just strongly requested to stay where they can find me.” he said and chuckled, and then stood up. “Go get some sleep, Sharah. You will have a lot to think on. Oh, and make note of any dreams you have that you can remember. Might give us a bit of insight as to how you are processing.”

Korczak

Sharah nodded. She had brought her sketchbook and pencils with her. She would put them next to her bed, so they would be near at hand. “I’ll do that.” She stood and returned the juice cup and cookie plate to the replicator. “Thank you, Korczak, for everything.”

Sharah