Posted by Lieutenant Séan Iven (Counselor) in My Hot Blood’s Been Burnin’ (Tag Séan)

Posted by Civilian Jezem (Upstanding Citizen) in My Hot Blood’s Been Burnin’ (Tag Séan)

Posted by Lieutenant Séan Iven (Counselor) in My Hot Blood’s Been Burnin’ (Tag Séan)
Posted by… suppressed (13) by the Post Ghost! 👻
As always, Jezem arrived to his counseling appointment right one time. Dressed in nice silks and gold bangles inlaid with gems and other precious things that clinked together with every subtle motion. He forwent any greeting to slide into his usual chair and took several moments to arrange himself into a comfortable seated position. Uncharacteristic silence hung over him as he played with one of the many rings on his fingers, pondering his dull faded reflection in the shine of a pearl inlay.

Too many thoughts tangled together in his head. Too many scattered and broken reflections that could never become the whole image. A world of unknowns filled the empty spaces between. The rage and anger that held him together fizzled into ash and smoke and in their absence allowed him see the burn marks left behind. Jezem stared at the broken, jagged pieces of himself. Contemplated the scars and corruption and came up empty. Himself a puzzle whose pieces changed shape and no longer matched the image of what it was to represent.

Jezem waited for the counselor to speak first.

Jezem

As Jezem entered the counseling room, Séan observed the man’s distinctive attire and the way he adorned himself with intricate jewelry. There was an air of elegance around him that was hard to ignore. Séan took a moment to greet Jezem with a respectful nod before he settled into his chair, giving the man his space and time. The silence between them seemed to carry a weight of unspoken thoughts and emotions.

When Jezem’s gaze met his own, Séan maintained a calm demeanor, giving him a moment to process his own thoughts. The counselor’s training allowed him to pick up on the undercurrents of distress and introspection that ran through Jezem’s demeanor. Séan chose his words carefully, addressing the silence without intruding upon it.

“Jezem,” Séan began softly, his voice gentle, “I’m here to provide a space for you to share your thoughts and feelings, whatever they may be. It seems like today you’re carrying a lot on your mind. If you’d like, we can explore those thoughts together, piece by piece, untangling the complexities that often occupy our minds.”

He paused, allowing his words to settle before continuing. “Or, if you’d rather, we can simply sit in this moment of reflection. Sometimes silence can be as meaningful as words. The choice is yours.”

Counselor Iven

Jezem blinked and absorbed the words, expression totally blank. Eyes empty of emotion as he considered. This was perhaps the truest part of him. Calm, cold, calculating, lacking empathy and the reflective behaviors that endeared people to one another. Connection and care. He weighed the options of each choice. Balanced against pros and cons, risk and cost. Measured against a past he both scorned and fiercely protected. What was worth more? Prying words or reflective silence? Orions held an innate sense of the worth of things and believed that nothing was received without something returned in exchange.

“You said something. . . at dinner,” He clarified a moment later, “Look back at your life and identify the moments you felt the most happy and fulfilled. . .” Jezem met Séan’s gaze again, “What if there was no happiness?”

Jezem

Séan observed Jezem’s thoughtful expression, recognizing that the man was taking his time to weigh his options and make a choice that resonated with him. The silence between them persisted, filled only by the subtle sounds of the room, the distant hum of the ship, and the slow passage of time. It was as if Jezem’s stillness was a reflection of his inner contemplation.

When Jezem spoke, Séan’s attention shifted fully to him, his calm and attentive gaze locked onto the Orion’s eyes. The question posed was deep, one that held the potential to unveil layers of complexity within Jezem’s psyche.

“I understand that the notion of happiness might be elusive for you,” Séan replied gently. “The concept of happiness varies from person to person, and it can indeed be challenging for some to identify moments of fulfillment. But, Jezem, that doesn’t mean such moments are entirely absent.”

Séan leaned slightly forward, his voice soft and sincere. “While life might be marked by struggles and complexities, there are often fleeting instances of contentment, even if they’re not as readily recognized. It’s possible to find fulfillment in small achievements, connections with others, or even within yourself. I’m here to help you explore and understand those aspects, should you choose to.”

He paused for a moment, allowing his words to settle. “So, I invite you to reflect on the times when you’ve experienced even a brief sense of contentment, even if they seem few and far between. Those moments, no matter how subtle, can offer insights into what brings you a sense of purpose and well-being.”

Counselor Iven

Jezem scowled, “Contentment isn’t happiness. Being able to breathe for one minute in peace is not happiness.” What was the point of inflating small moments and minor achievements? They were stepping stones to greater things, the next part of the plan the next stage of his life. Years of struggle and suffering that what did it amount to. Working, always working, planning and plotting. “What meaning can those insignificant moments have when at any time whatever worth they possess can be crushed in the fist of pain and cruelty?”

He stood, filled with a restless energy, “To live is to struggle. The only people who can call themselves happy are those who never had to fight to survive because they are ignorant of just how terrible and cruel this universe is.” Jezem knew he possessed that innocent joy once, could recall those early childhood memories but not without stoking the anger that burned within him. Any happiness he may have felt in those distant moments had long since been burned away.

Jezem

Séan’s expression remained steady as Jezem expressed his frustration and skepticism towards the concept of happiness and contentment. He listened carefully, acknowledging the raw emotion that lay beneath Jezem’s words. As Jezem stood and conveyed his perspective on life’s struggles, Séan continued to meet his gaze, his own demeanor a mixture of understanding and compassion.

“It’s clear that you’ve endured much pain and hardship,” Séan responded, his voice calm and measured. “Your viewpoint reflects the reality of a life that has been marked by challenges, and it’s natural to question the value of moments of respite when they can be overshadowed by pain.”

“You think?” Jezem snapped, angry with himself.

He rose from his seat, maintaining a respectful distance. “However, I must respectfully challenge your assertion that only those who’ve never faced struggle can experience happiness. While it’s true that innocence might shelter one from certain harsh realities, I’ve encountered individuals who’ve endured great suffering yet still find moments of connection, meaning, and even joy in their lives.”

Séan took a step closer, his expression empathetic. “I understand that this perspective might be difficult to embrace, especially given your experiences. But even amidst the darkest times, the human spirit has shown an incredible capacity to find glimmers of hope and resilience. I’m not suggesting that happiness erases pain, but rather that within the complexity of existence, there can be moments of both suffering and connection.”

Jezem took a step back, body tense. Ready to pounce. To run. To fight but the counselor made it clear that any aggressive action on his part was not allowed. Jezem turned his body away but kept the minimum of eye contact.

He paused, his eyes steady on Jezem’s. “I’m here to support you as you navigate these complexities and explore your feelings. It’s okay to hold onto your skepticism, but I also invite you to consider the possibility that even within a life marked by struggle, there might be spaces for healing and growth.”

Counselor Iven

Healing. Growth. The words sat like bile in his mouth. Jezem put more distance between them, “Orions have their own words for this, but you humans call it nature vs nurture. I’m sure you’re familiar with it?” Jezem did not stop to give the counselor time to consider this shift, “What makes up a person? What determines their fate? Their path in life? Is it the biology they were born with or the environment they were raised in?”

Jezem suddenly turned, prowling forward towards the counselor but stopping just before reaching arm’s length, “What created me or you? The genes of our parents? The way we grew up? The DNA passed down by ancestors born far before us? The life we lived? The results of chemicals and neurons firing and failing? You want me to reflect and consider what made me happy? I’ll tell you something that made me happy. Inflicting pain upon others with my own hands and words. Relishing in their suffering. Watching them squirm and struggle and watching the fear and panic set into their eyes.”

Was he born like this? Cold and cruel but subdued and sleeping within himself. Or was he shaped and molded into this cruel person who found enjoyment in balancing the scales. Healing. Growth. Did such things exist for someone like him?

Jezem

Séan held his ground, his expression resolute as Jezem explored the intricate questions of nature versus nurture. He listened carefully, his face a mask of patience as Jezem probed into the essence of what makes a person and the forces that shape their existence. As Jezem’s demeanor shifted and he approached, Séan maintained his composed stance, showing no signs of intimidation or unease.

“Nature versus nurture is a fundamental debate in understanding human development,” Séan responded evenly. “It examines the interplay between genetics and environmental influences in shaping a person’s traits, behaviors, and overall trajectory in life.”

As Jezem’s tone grew more intense, Séan remained steady, not flinching away from the rawness of his words. He met Jezem’s gaze, unwavering. “You’re delving into complex questions that touch on the core of our existence. Both nature and nurture play a role in shaping who we are, and the interplay between these factors can be intricate and multifaceted.”

Séan’s voice remained calm but resolute as he addressed the darker aspect Jezem revealed. “It sounds like you’re describing a sense of power and control, perhaps a form of dominance that you felt in those moments. It’s important to acknowledge our emotions, even the uncomfortable ones. Exploring the roots of such feelings can offer insights into our motivations and how we’ve come to understand ourselves.”

He took a measured step forward, maintaining a respectful distance. “These reflections, as challenging as they are, can be a part of healing and growth. It’s not about erasing or denying aspects of yourself, but about understanding them and finding ways to navigate your emotions and experiences in a way that aligns with the person you want to become.”

Séan’s eyes held a mixture of empathy and determination as he continued to engage in this profound conversation. “Jezem, you’re right that the forces that shape us are complex. But by exploring them together, we might uncover the paths that lead toward healing and growth, even amidst the darkness.”

Counselor Iven

Jezem studied Séan body language, tracking each expression each movement with keen, calculating eyes. Searching for signs of fear, disgust, rejection, anger but came up with nothing. The counselor had a blood good poke face and by the Sisters Jezem wanted to rip it all away. Apply enough pressure and you could break anything. Even the hardest materials in the universe had their breaking points. Everything had a weakness to exploit. Everything shatters.

“It is not an uncomfortable fact of himself, “Jezem said, “I like the dominance, the control. Do not mistake me for someone afraid of their own dark thoughts and impulses. I have long since embraced the dark and poisoned myself to my core. My darker nature is what made me strong and allowed me to survive.” Like the poisonous creatures who absorbed the toxicity of their prey and made it part of themselves. Jezem took all the cruelty inflicted upon him and became something far worse. What else could he be but this?

Jezem’s hands trembled. Sisters he wanted to fight and scream. Stop looking at me like that. Jezem stepped back. Every instinct inside him screaming to fight and challenge and win. What was left after all this rage and violence burned away? How does one move on when they are chained by the past? He fully turned away, caught between his own inner turmoil. Jezem couldn’t see what he was or what he should be but he knew what he was missing. Kindness, compassion, empathy, happiness, peace. Jezem could pretend to be all those things, mimicking the genuine pieces found in the people around him but never able to fully grasp himself.

He saw what he lacked and maybe this feeling burning inside him was not anger but envy. For everything he did not have and could not find within himself. “What is your suggestion then?” He asked, not realizing how quiet he had been.

Jezem

Séan continued to meet Jezem’s gaze, his eyes revealing a mix of understanding and unwavering support. He listened carefully to Jezem’s words, acknowledging the acceptance and even affinity he expressed for his darker inclinations. Séan knew that acknowledging these aspects of oneself, even if they’re not considered conventionally positive, was an essential part of self-awareness. His intent was never to judge, but to provide a space for exploration and understanding.

“I appreciate your honesty,” Séan replied, his voice steady. “Accepting and understanding our darker aspects can indeed offer a sense of strength and resilience. It’s important to recognize that we all have a multitude of emotions and tendencies within us. They are part of the complex tapestry that makes up our identity.”

As Jezem’s hands trembled and he stepped back, Séan respected his space, giving him room to process his thoughts and feelings. He watched as Jezem turned away, his posture reflecting the inner turmoil he was experiencing. Séan’s tone remained gentle as he responded to Jezem’s question.

“My suggestion is to continue this exploration, Jezem. To continue seeking understanding and insight into yourself, both the aspects you’ve embraced and the ones you find lacking. Self-discovery is a journey, and it’s not about achieving a specific destination, but about the process of growth and change. In our sessions, we can delve deeper into these emotions and thoughts, guiding you toward greater self-awareness and helping you find ways to integrate these different aspects of yourself.”

Séan’s expression remained open and empathetic. “It’s important to remember that seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness, but a testament to your strength and willingness to confront these challenging questions. You have the power to shape your own path, to redefine your sense of self, and to find the balance that allows you to move forward.”

Counselor Iven

Jezem let himself fall back down into his chair and rub his face with the tips of his fingers. All this therapist talk was starting to give him a headache. Endless spiels about finding himself, exploring his emotions, safe spaces and honesty. Fluff to make a person feel good and special and promise to never betray that trust you’re putting in. Maybe that was the problem, Jezem’s contempt for the process. Where his personal experience clashed against reality spoken off and offered to him.

He cannot hold onto his secrets to protect himself and engage with the process of therapy. The two were antithesis to one another. Growth did not happen in the dark, when smothered and buried and repressed. A wound cannot heal if it is not tended too. I wanted this, Jezem thought, I wanted this and now I am here and I am hiding behind my defenses. He leaned back in his chair, letting his hands fall down into his lap. If the counselor betrays him then Jezem knows how to handle that.

Linnounni grant me strength, Jezem prayed in his thoughts, Sister of Joy, dance by my side and lead me across the flowering earth. Jezem had not prayed directly to Linnounni since he was a little child. “I’m stuck in place,” He said, “Caught in stasis and unable to progress or regress. I don’t know where to even begin untangling this twisted web of myself. All that I am today was formed by my past.”

Jezem

Séan moved back and perched on the edge of his desk. He didn’t want to go all the way around to sit in his chair again but neither did he want to loom over Jezem. “I think you’ve been heavily influenced by your past but I don’t believe that you are the complete sum of it. Would the Jezem who was still deeply involved with them let a man like Argam approach him? I believe you have progressed after getting out and entering a relationship with Argam. He has been an incredible influence on you but you have a lot of history and baggage to still let go of.”

He paused to let that sink in and then continued. “I think that by your being here and wanting to receive help is indicative of progress. It may feel like half a step, but it’s still progress. What do you want to get out of these sessions though? Do you want to be a better spouse for Argam? A better friend to Thyr? A better person?”

Counselor Iven

Jezem could see it easily. The line that cleaved his life in two. The point of origin for these foreign thoughts and alien feelings. He hadn’t even wanted the change. That was his life, and Jezem could not conceive that it could be anything different, that he could be anything else. Naanni told him that Argam wished to propose. Jezem had scoffed and refused to see the Ferengi. But Naanni urged him to reconsider and give Argam a chance. She told him to follow his heart. He didn’t understand that then and now, three years later and the meaning behind her words eluded him. Then she asked him that question, the one he could not answer to her liking and for the first time in his life he could not read the expression upon her face.

“Someone asked me. . . ‘Are you happy?’ and she didn’t accept my answer. I want to answer that question. I want to understand the. . .” Jezem faltered, unable to put a name to that pained expression on her face. Was it pity? Grief? It seemed so sad but not disappointed, but the feel of her gaze made him ashamed. A lifetime spent in the study of people and he could not identify the emotion she wore. “I want to understand those emotions that I lack. Unconditional love, kindness, empathy, compassion, gentleness, forgiveness. I knew them, I knew each one but now they’re alien to me.

“It is pure selfishness. I don’t care about morality or being ‘good’ or ‘better’ what I care about is that I lack these things and I hate that I have to watch everyone else feel and express those things without a second thought. Taking them for granted. I want that for myself. I want to be able to answer that question.”

Jezem

Séan listened intently as Jezem’s words flowed, revealing the profound moment that had shaken the foundation of his perceptions. It was evident that this experience had left a lasting impact, a fracture that had disrupted the otherwise ordered patterns of his thoughts and emotions. As Jezem shared his yearning to comprehend the emotions he found lacking, Séan’s expression remained compassionate and attentive.

“Recognizing this desire for understanding and change is an important step, Jezem,” Séan responded softly. “While it’s true that we all have different emotional landscapes, it’s also true that emotions can evolve, adapt, and even be cultivated over time. Emotions are complex and malleable, and it’s possible to learn, practice, and integrate these emotions into your life.”

Séan’s voice held a steady reassurance as he continued. “Your quest for these emotions doesn’t have to be driven solely by a sense of selfishness. It can also be a journey of personal growth and transformation. The fact that you’re willing to explore these aspects of yourself shows a strength and depth of character. And while it might seem challenging to emulate emotions that once came naturally to you, remember that learning and practicing them can be just as genuine and impactful.”

He met Jezem’s eyes with unwavering support. “We can work together to delve into these emotions, to understand the contexts that have shaped your relationship with them, and to find ways to gradually reintegrate them into your life. You’re not alone in this journey, and it’s possible to reclaim those feelings and experiences that you feel have slipped away.”

Counselor Iven

To regain what was lost. To heal the burns and cleanse the poison dripping from his soul. Was it possible? Jezem supposed there was only one way to found out. Where one could smother and extinguish the emotions and feelings most easily exploited and ruined one could carefully, patiently cultivate them again. Jezem toyed with the gold bangles hanging from his wrist. Quietly processing these new thoughts and how they fit into his desires and wants. Feeling overwhelmed by the daunting prospect of determining where to begin.

“Must you lay the pep talk on so thick?” He said after a moment, affecting annoyance. “Yes, I’m so brave and strong but I don’t need to hear that from you,” He leaned back in the chair, settling into a comfortable sitting position, “Unless that’s all human counseling is. Endless fluff and comforting pep talks about how you can have all your dreams come true if you just believe.” Though Jezem sounded sarcastic, there was no true bite to his words. Jezem knew that talking about his past would be uncomfortable for him. That even desiring change might not be enough to overcome years of training. The unease made him both impatient to get it over with and instinctively defensive.

Jezem

Séan just grinned at Jezem in response to the sarcastic retorts. “Then let me express that this is going to be a difficult and emotionally overwhelming process. In trying to define and change who you are now means that you’re going to be reassessing who you were. A lot of people don’t like who they were and I suspect your reaction is going to be volatile given the nature of your past. With that in mind I must insist you come unarmed to any future sessions or at the very least let me lock up any you have on you until we’re done.”

Counselor Iven

Jezem considered and decided that it was a fair request. Right now he was armed by various innocuous adornments that doubled as deadly weapons in a moment’s notice. He didn’t go anywhere without a weapon. Old habits died hard but one should always be prepared for the worst. “Alright,” Jezem said, “You may lock up my weapons at the start of each session. Should we start right now?” He added with a small smirk.

Jezem