Posted by Lieutenant Tandra Mika (Chief Mental Health Officer) in Dasca’s Apartment- Truths Laid Bare

Posted by Captain Eela Dasca (Lt. Governor) in Dasca’s Apartment- Truths Laid Bare

(snip)

Mika nodded. “The ability to regulate our emotions, to prevent the inappropriate lashing out, is of course important. It’s good it’s happening much less now. So, tell me, what do you currently do to regulate them? What could you do differently to decrease from ‘much less’ to ‘virtually never’?”

Confusion swept across her face. “Is that what I’m supposed to do?” Eela sighed. “When everything with Cory went down, people kept telling me I was allowed to have and express feelings. Just as long as it’s not at anyone. So I can take deep breaths and count in my head before I reply, but you have no idea how hard it is sometimes. I’m suppressing the feelings, and I have a hard time telling which are appropriate or not. It’s not until after, Tandra. Sometimes it feels like I can’t win either way. Either I bite my tongue and don’t express myself, or I do it wrong and hurt people.”

Mika listened attentively as Eela shared her struggles with emotional regulation and the challenges she faced in expressing herself without causing harm. She could sense the confusion and frustration in Eela’s voice, a reflection of the inner turmoil she grappled with.

“I understand it can be incredibly difficult to navigate the delicate balance between suppressing emotions and expressing them in a way that doesn’t hurt others,” Mika replied, her tone gentle and empathetic. “It’s important to acknowledge and honor your feelings, Eela, but finding a constructive way to channel them is equally crucial.”

She nodded. “It was progressively easier before. I was practicing those skills because it was hard. Then it got easier and it became more natural. I think when I’m in chaos, my brain resets in a way. I know how to do these things, but it’s just reminded my brain that it knows how too. I think it’s just going to take a little bit more time. And for now I am trying to trust in those that have shown me affection and regard that they will still be there, even when I’ve not been at my best.” That was hard, and something she doubted people realized was so difficult for her. But in many ways Eela had been abandoned little my little, her personal universe getting smaller and smaller. But she was fighting hard to expand that universe again and well, so far, so good.

Eela smiled but it was more than that- it came from deep within, lighting up her eyes. “And the connections now? They are varied and beautiful, each in their own way. Some are unexpectedly deep. I have a dear new friend, Karilan, that is Deltan and we understand the core of each other’s being in a way that a non-psi-positive person can’t. They intuitively understand my need for touch and embrace that and offer it. And I have another deeply special friendship with someone I work with that makes going through my days as Lieutenant Governor not just bearable but something to look forward.” She leaned forward. “Those that aren’t in the thick of the work that I and the Governor do don’t fully understand the weight. But sharing that burden makes it easier, even it if means jokes about our untimely demise,” she said with a laugh, even though some days it did terrify her.

“And the other friends? We’re just getting to know each other better but we’ve claimed each other as family, and until someone used that definition for us I didn’t realize how much I had missed that feeling from my time in Starfleet. I’ve missed feeling connected to something bigger than myself. The stars held such mystery and joy for me, but now the roots I’ve put down here are the most precious thing I’ve cultivated. And when I’m in doubt, I just come out here,” she said, gesturing to the thriving plant life all around them.

~Eela

Mika smiled too and nodded. “It sounds like you’re doing a lot better. It’s good to have other people, and things, around you to go to when you need it. I know you probably know this, but, you also can’t base all your happiness and identity on other people. So, you said you gave up a lot of things to keep the peace, that you miss them. What else did you give up?”

~ Mika, CNS

Eela closed her eyes and her mind went to that moment at Tenkiller’s and she breathed in that memory. “I, and others, have blamed a lot of stuff on my accident, and the spinal and brain injury for changing what I could or chose to do. But the reality is that in subtle ways I turned away from many of the Haliian customs and rituals that are and have been so important to me. Some of it was because I got used to compromising around all the other cultures. In forty years I never served with other Haliians, and after my children left home it’s just been me. And Cory was weird about some of it later on, so I tended to practice them more quietly. But since my accident? Almost none of it. Until recently. I am practicing the ritual greeting of the day, no matter where I am, or how I’m feeling. Even if I can’t do the whole thing if I’m having a bad back day, I can do the rest and it ground me in my body, and in my cultural identity, and I’m finding that so very important as I go forward.”

~Eela

Mika smiled, “That’s great! In the Federation, especially Starfleet where you serve among so many different people, it can be easy to lose your cultural identity. I’m glad you’re working toward reclaiming it. What other things, cultural, but also otherwise, would you like to reclaim?”

~ Mika, CNS

Eela took a few moments to consider this. “In some ways it’s not even reclaiming but expressing or asking for things I don’t think I ever felt comfortable fully asking for before. It’s seeking physical touch whereas Haliians tend to shy away from it. Obviously, I must be cautious about it and it can get me into trouble sometimes, but with people who are close to me and understand my need for it? It’s been exceptionally important. More than I realized. And celebrating my people’s holidays again after years of not doing so.” She inhaled deeply. “But perhaps more are some of the more deeply spiritual practices and expressing myself as a spiritual being. There’s no one to ridicule me here and in fact everyone around me is very supportive. It…” She frowned slightly. “My parents died unexpectedly many years ago and I think I’ve only just realized recently how much I shied away from things that reminded me of that missing connection. Memories don’t always feel enough. But I’m using my father’s herbal recipes again and letting myself feel them again.”

~Eela

She nodded again, thoughtful for a moment. “That makes sense. I’m glad you’ve found supportive people to surround yourself with. Do you have any other thoughts or concerns, regarding this, or anything else?”

~ Mika, CNS

Eela inhaled deeply and let herself properly ponder as she looked over her flourishing garden. “I think right now I’m just taking one day at a time. Knowing the clinical background behind all that happened and being able to use that frame events over my life is strangely helpful. For a moment I can detach and examine things more closely, and then deal with the feelings that surface. I suspect things will get even more interesting when Caridee gets here, but until then, I have work and an entire planet that needs me at my best. Sure, it’s a distraction, but I can’t process it all at once.”

~Eela