Posted by Lieutenant Tandra Mika (Counselor) in Dasca’s Apartment- Aftermaths are Messy

Posted by Captain Eela Dasca (Lt. Governor) in Dasca’s Apartment- Aftermaths are Messy

(snips)

Eela squeezed her eyes shut tight, feeling her breath catch in her throat. “This isn’t about singular events,” she said, opening her eyes to gaze at Tandra, pain evident on her face. “This is my entire adult life, Tandra. I met Cory just after I graduated from the Academy, on my first assignment. We got married when I was twenty-three! He’s been in my life ever since. So yes, I’m doubting myself, because I don’t trust any of it now.” She forced herself to take a breath but it was hard. “How can I trust myself in my personal life, trust my own intuition if I have been so devastatingly wrong about someone so fundamental to my life?” She wasn’t shouting, but her voice was starting to rise.

~Eela

Mika nodded. The outburst was expected and Mika seemed unphased by it. Then, calmly, she nodded. “It isn’t about one event, it never was. The couple events I asked you to tell me about were to show examples of a longer problem. It didn’t start out manipulative, that’s something that happens over a period of time, sometimes a long period of time, many years. I know you don’t trust yourself right now, but there was truth in your instincts. And there was trust in them. Think about your career. From what I understand, you were an exceptional Captain and did amazing work in the Diplomatic Corp. We can’t work through it if we don’t dig through it all, find those harmful ideas, and learn how to think differently.”

~ Mika

Work felt different. It wasn’t logical- that divide- but like any good starship captain and therapist she had been able to compartmentalize and keep her personal issues out of the work. Well, most of the time. There had been some significant exceptions over the years. Oed was a very different beast. She was trying to be her whole self here knowing full well that being in the public eye the way she was demanded something of herself.

Eela dropped her arm from the back of the couch and reached forward for her coffee again, sipping a couple times. She held the mug in her hands, letting the warmth seep into her palms. “You know, only once did I ever ask Cory to stay with me rather than go off for his work. Once, in all those years. And I’ve had moments in the last few days where I wonder if that was some big red flag I missed or if it was just a rough time for us. But to use the word rough is…” She shook her head.

“It was on the USS Berlin just after my parents died and I was devastated, not just by them being gone so suddenly but the manner in which they died too. And I was very pregnant and… we figure it was the stress of it all but I went into premature labour. The doctors tried to stop it but they couldn’t and I had Jourin early. He was old enough to survive but it was early enough that he needed extra care for a few weeks. Cory had been on special assignment elsewhere and I didn’t find out I was pregnant till after he left and we made a plan for when he’d return so he wouldn’t miss the birth. When my parents died, he hurried back as quick as he could but he barely made it before I went into labour. So there we were with a premature infant and a five year old and I was struggling. I had a hard time bonding with Jourin and my grief was overwhelming on top of the hormonal shifts. But we sort of found a way to get through each day and after a month, Jourin was able to leave Sickbay. For the next two months it was just hard. I felt so ill equipped to deal with everything and there was no joy in anything. And Cory was struggling too. His work was not something he could do much of from a distance this time and he would get irritated by the things that were happening without him or the way others were doing things. But there was a day when I remember Jourin smiled at me and I actually felt something other than dread and Cory noticed and assumed I was doing better. So he asked if he could go deal with some of the issues for a few weeks and then come back. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it and that I really needed him home with us. He grudgingly agreed but then spent the next two weeks being sullen and his emotions on top of everything else felt oppressive. So…” Eela swallowed and looked out the window. “I told him to go, do the work he needed to and come back. He asked me if I was sure, and I said yes. But I really wasn’t. I was terrified. But I also knew I wasn’t on my own. There was the crew who wanted to help however they could, and Roger and I were best friends by that point and, despite his duties as first officer, visited almost daily, even if it was for five minutes.

“So Cory went and after a few weeks it was clear that I was doing worse. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, but to be honest there was no separation between that and the grief with my parents. But there was little choice but to find a treatment that worked for me and carry on. I had two children relying on me, and Cory’s return kept getting delayed. What was supposed to be six weeks turned into six months. And then he was just suddenly back, clearly doing well and glad to be with us. And that helped me so I just went with it.”

~Eela