Posted by Civilian Kenzo B’tren-Hyrushi (Governor) in Unforeseen Developments - Starting Over

Posted by Lieutenant Sharah Fayth (Chief Star Fleet Medical Officer) in Unforeseen Developments - Starting Over

Posted by Civilian Kenzo B’tren-Hyrushi (Governor) in Unforeseen Developments - Starting Over
Posted by… suppressed (41) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Sharah had finished in the lab and returned to her large empty quarters. They were so empty and cold. She picked up Hope, her cherry bonsai tree and carried it over to the sink. The water bowl had to be refilled, and from the looks of the tree she needed some plant food. Sharah took much longer with the task than necessary. She was putting off her call. After the protest she knew she needed an appointment, but she had put it off. She didn’t want to examine it too much. Now, well people were still upset over the shuttle attack, and her own emotions mixed with everyone else’s made a counselor necessary. This was the first time she had ever wanted to avoid an appt. She hadn’t spoken to anyone since the Viking, and that was far too long. Her console beeped, alarming, reminding her she had asked for the appointment, and it was too late to back out.

She sat at the console and turned it on, waiting for the connection.

Fayth

The screen was blank for a moment and then the spinning icon of Star Fleet appeared. A secured connection took a bit longer, but soon the screen lit up.

A non-descript man with glasses sat in a room that was warm and inviting. He smiled and inclined his head. “Lieutenant Fayth. It has been some time.” he said, the odd juxtaposition of Polish and British accents vying for dominance. But the smile and genuine warmth of the look on his face was the same as it had been on the Viking. “How are things on Oed V?”

Lt. Cmdr. Janusz Korcazak, Counselor

In contrast, Fayth’s quarters seemed plain and uninviting, like it was half complete or half packed away. “Cmdr Korczak.” She looked tired, exhausted really, and noticeably not put together. More than just the result of a long day. Dark circles, red eyes, and loose strands of curls that she had probably been tugging at against the discomfort of the noise. “My understanding is normal. It’s very different from a ship side station.”

Fayth

Korczak looked at her closely. “As one would expect, I suppose. How are you handling the adjustment from ship to colony?” and he inclined his head to look over the tip of his glasses at her. “Honestly.”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah started to say she was fine, but that wasn’t going to hold water with Korczak and she sighed. “I thought I was doing okay. It’s louder here, more minds, more emotions. On a ship there is an undercurrent of… discipline. Here it is more..erratic. I really like the work though. I’m not really sleeping though.”

Fayth

Korczak nodded in understanding. “On a ship you are surrounded by individuals with a common goal. The crew is focused on the mission, regardless of the small day-to-day things. And there are far fewer minds to deal with. You no longer have that… safe space… in which to find respite. But you have been on the colony for a while now. Has anything recently changed in your daily pattern that would cause you to feel anxious or uncertain?”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah hesitated. She knew the connection was secure, but....”I…did something. I’m not even sure how I did it.” It was one of the things Sharah struggled with because of her…condition. She was potentially privy to a lot of information she shouldn’t be. Respecting autonomy and privacy. “There was a…protest, and…” She looked down at her hands where she was twinning and twisting her fingers together and took a breath before looking back. What if Korczak thought she was a risk? Was she?

“They were getting out of control, I was…drowning in it, in their anger and violence.” She looked as conflicted as she felt, “I calmed the mob. I don’t know how I did it but thousands felt it.” She forced herself to stop with her hands. “And it scares me.”

Fayth

Korczak was silent for a moment. “Alright…”he began. “Fear is a normal reaction, I would think, to something of that magnitude. But I take it no one was hurt or injured by your actions. So if I may, tell me more about this protest. What was it about? Why were thousands protesting?”

Korczak, Counselor

“Thousands weren’t protesting, more like hundreds.” Sharah sighed, “I meant that thousands felt it. People in the hospital and for several blocks around. Whatever I did wasn’t…focused.” She shook her head, “As far as I know, no one was hurt. I have been watching the patient intake. Not that I would know what to look for exactly. The protest was about two patients we have in the hospital. There was a missel attack on their shuttle…we weren’t sure they would make it. The protesters were after them and their family. Demanding they be taken off planet, blaming them for all kinds of unrelated issues, there was a second protest at the government tower at the same time. At first they were just scared and confused, then they suddenly became aggressive wanting violence.”

Fayth

Korczak said “That is… very unusual. Crowds, protestors especially, rarely shift demeanor en masse like that. Not without some kind of outside guidance or stimulus. Without knowing the specifics, I would say that your… custodianship… of the circumstances probably helped far more than it did anything negative.” He looked at her with his appraising look for a moment and then said “You say the event made you scared. Do you perhaps also feel some amount of guilt?”

Korczak, Counselor

“Overwhelming guilt.” Her gaze moved off screen a moment, gathering and ordering her thoughts. “I hear people’s most private and public thoughts. Their secret desires, their intimate moments, their pain and guilt, their happiness and pride. Even the thoughts they don’t admit to themselves. I feel what they feel. Whether I want to or not. Whether they wish to share or not. I try very hard to make sure my words and actions don’t influence what they feel or how they think. To not allow this terrible insight to make me overstep my bounds.” Sharah reached up and rubbed at her temple. “I took away their choice. I took away their right to decide how they reacted to their anger and fear. I didn’t just take away the choice I forced a choice on them. What if I hadn’t forced calm on them? But lashed out with anger or fear because I was quite terrified, and drowning in their violence.” She shook her head. “I can’t say that won’t happen because I don’t know how it happened. At best that I reacted out of some sort of instinct. It doesn’t justify.”

Fayth

Korcazk leaned forward and said simply “Stop it.” His words were soft spoken and compassionate, but carried weight. “Right now you are punishing yourself for a choice you never made. An action you never took. And you and I both know that while you do that, we cannot work on the other things troubling you. Tell me what advice you would give your own patient of they were in your care and diagnosed with a fully treatable illness; but kept focusing on how bad the illness could have been if it was a completely different and terminal illness. What would you say to that patient?”

Korczak, Counselor

Ah but her illness wasn’t treatable, just barely managed. She took a measured breath, Korczak was right though. It was so strange talking to him over subspace. She never got any input from him unless he allowed it, but there was always his serene presence. It was strange - missing that element of their appointments, but not bad. “I would tell them to focus on the facts, what really happened and what they need to do next. I would tell them to speak to a counselor to help them work past the ‘what ifs’.” She held her hands palm up in a ‘and here we are’ gesture.

Fayth

Korczak smiled slightly and said “Alright… so what are you doing? Working backwards through your own advice? Because yes, here we are… but you are clearly not focused on the facts and next steps… right? So… what do you need to do to accomplish that?”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah didn’t know, and said as much. “I don’t know. I’m not sure what the next steps should be. I need…I need to not be afraid of myself. I need…I need to believe I can figure this out on my own because there is no one here to help me figure it out.” Her eyes turned hard up at the ceiling and she blinked ked several times, forcing air through a knot in her throat.

Fayth

“No one that you know of.” Korczak said with a small smile. “Problems always seem greater when we only look at them. Once we begin to address them,, they shrink down considerably. I’m sure of the millions of people that are there, you are not familiar with all of them.” and he chuckled dryly. “Perhaps seeking the advice of individuals with similar talents would help? Other empaths or telepaths. Do you know any that you feel could assist you? And, more importantly, that you could trust enough to open up to?”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah was quiet for several minutes. She had met more telepaths and empaths here on Oed than she had anywhere else - minus Betazed. Ilena, Yavia, Eela, the governor (that one made her groan internally), and countless others she was aware of in passing. Even Yv’nek her Vulcan neurologist. Could they help? Maybe…probably within their areas of expertise. But could she trust them? She shook her head. “No.” She didn’t think she could trust anyone else again. Not with this. Not yet. She felt raw and picked apart. She was heart sick at being abandoned, again. At least that is how it felt to her. “There are people I could ask, but no, I don’t think there is anyone I would trust to ask.”

Fayth

Korczak tilted his head to the side slightly and narrowed his eyes at her, seemingly peering into her. “Tell me the other reason you are unhappy, Sharah. Because you know me well enough to know that I know there is something else troubling you.”

Korczak, Counselor

Bother! She didn’t want to discuss her love life or her friends and lack of both with him. But she was unhappy, though the term seemed paltry to the intense ache. She pulled a knee up and hugged it. “I had someone I trusted, but he’s gone now. He left, I don’t know where or why.” There was silence. “I am…weary of giving myself and then....discarded, I guess.” She missed him and the life she thought they were making, and she was angry and disappointed at herself for it.

Fayth

“Tell me about this ‘someone’ you had. He was obviously important to you. Who was he? How did you meet?” Korczak said softly.

Korczak, Counselor

“It doesn’t really matter, he’s gone now.” She wiped at the corner of her eye and blew out a breath. “You know him. Markus Woods. I met him while I was working in the Arboretum on Viking.” Well she’d met him before that, on duty in the shuttle bay when they had brought Hab’rabi back from his derelict ship. “He was looking for fresh herbs to cook with and helped me fix some damaged sections of the irrigation system.”

Fayth

Korczak nodded. “I do remember him, yes. And I know the two of you became close… I am sorry to hear of his abrupt departure. And I can understand your weariness. But it does not seem as if you were discarded, Sharah. But rather the organization that you both belong to did what it has done so many times in the past… pulled a pair apart for needs unrelated to personal feelings. At least, that would be the most plausible cause… correct?”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah stared at him, her mouth slightly agape. Did he think she hadn’t considered that? Distance didn’t matter if the person mattered to you. “I know that. I am not nieve.” Maybe she was. “Don’t people usually say good bye though? He had time to pack all this things. No message, no note. He is a rather strong telepath himself. There was no contact. If he didn’t have time to say good bye before having to leave could he have not tried after he left? It’s been over two weeks.” When she inquired she was told he had been transferred. She tried messaging him with no answer. No one was concerned about him or his safety. It was clear to Sharah. It wasn’t like he wasn’t the first person to do this to her.

Fayth

“Sharah… I want you to try an exercise. Its a logic problem. I want you to start with the basis of what you know to be true. That he was there, now he is not. There has been no contact, and his departure was sudden. Your messages are not returned. He did not tell you he was leaving. And he is a Star Fleet officer and scientist. Now… first I want you to answer the question ‘Is that at all like him, to just up and leave, with no warning or contact?’”

Korczak, CNS

“I would have said no, but…he wasn’t himself, not since we disembarked the Viking. He was having trouble with how things happened. He wanted to go home, so we went to Deneva. Then suddenly out of nowhere he said we had to go and we left for Oed. He kept talking about taking a position at a small research post. He said it would be easier for me. I thought he meant because there would be less people. Posts like that don’t have doctors though, they use EMH. He wasn’t happy here. The colonists…they don’t trust us, not really, don’t want us around. He kept saying he didn’t know what he was doing here if he wasn’t wanted.” Sharah shook her head, closed her eyes and tried not to be hurt. “No I don’t think that is the kind of person he was, but I don’t know about now.”

Fayth

Korczak waited for a moment and then said softly “And you are experienced enough… knowledgeable enough… empathic enough to know…” and he paused to see if the threads were coming together for her, “… that his leaving was either an order. Or it wasn’t about you. It was about him. You say he changed.” and he shrugged. “People do. And sometimes when they do, the relationships they have are no longer available to them. Could this not be the case here?”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah shrugged. “It could.” It didn’t make it hurt less, didn’t make her feel better. It didn’t make her less lonely or heartbroken. “It still hurts.”

Fayth

Korczac nodded. “Of course it does. As it should. You lost someone important to you. I would be concerned if you didnt hurt.” He looked away and down, tapping something. “How long has he been gone?” he asked matter-of-factly.

Korczak, Counselor

“A couple weeks. He left a few days after the protests.” Sharah wished she had a cat or a dog or something. Something to hold onto other than herself. Closest she had to a pet was her plants. She hadn’t had a pet since she was a kid.

Fayth

“So tell me what you have been doing to process your pain and, dare I say, anger? Because both are natural and healthy emotions in these circumstances.” Korczak said, encouraging her to start processing what all she was feeling. It was akin to priming a pump. You add a little fluid, work the lever, add a little more… over and over until the action goes on its own.

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah couldn’t imagine being angry, she was just incredibly sad. Should she be angry? Yavia certainly seemed to think so, though she kept that to herself. “Work. There is more than I can get done in a day. Botany. There are gardens in the fleet barracks and at the hospital. I have tried to go out, see more of the colony. There is a lot of geen spaces to see, shops, events.” Sharah lifted a shoulder and wiped a tear off her face. “I don’t like going though. The more unstable I am, the harder it is to move through the input. Like my sadness attracts theirs. I’m sure it’s an unconscious connection, but it makes things worse. Doesn’t seem like a good thing to deal with on my own. One of the nurses tries to go with me. Her pity makes it worse. I’m not upset over it, it’s sweet really, that she wants to help, buy it just reminds me of what I’m trying to forget.”

Fayth

Korczak cocked his head to the side and smiled softly. “Go back to the previous exercise. I am a patient. You have diagnosed me with a severe illness that, if left untreated, will have drastic and lasting negative impacts on my life. You know that I know the steps that I need to take to help me through it. But when you ask me how I am going about dealing, I tell you ‘Doctor, I am working as much as I possibly can. I am going to movies. I am tending my garden and I resent people trying to help me.’” He straightened up and said “What do you, the doctor, say to me?”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah didn’t have an answer, or maybe she didn’t want the answer. “I would tell you that working too much doesn’t give their body time to heal, only make it more exhausted. That doing favorite activities should be done instead of extra work not along with it. I would ask why you resent people.”

Fayth

Korczak nodded emphatically, smiled, and said “Then that is the prescription I have for you, and the question you need to answer.” He leaned back and folded his arms on the desk and took a breath. “You are trying to process… or actually not process… two very intense, emotional events that happened very close together. And to do that will be very hard to do. And a strong first step will be to find a support network where you are. From what you have said, you do have friends and people that care about you. But you will have to let them. You can and will get through this, Sharah. You just have to start letting yourself. That is the first step. And you calling me is a strong indicator of your desire to get through. And you should take some small comfort in the fact that,even though you feel so much pain right now… as you should…, part of you is ready to start dealing with it.”

Korczak, Counselor

“So I should go meet my…friend, like she asked and leave work when I’m supposed to.” Sharah didn’t want to let them help her. She wanted to work, help people (the irony was not lost on her) and then be left alone. She’d had it right when she said similar during her academy cruise. She felt very very done with people and wasn’t ready, if she ever would be, to connect with people. Korczak had never accepted that from her though.

Fayth

“As a first step…yes. I think that would help.” and he smiled at her. “And right now… as much as you think you would like to just throw in the towel and crawl into a hole… I know that isn’t you. If it were, you wouldn’t still be seeing your patients. You wouldn’t be feeling reactions to people’s emotions. And you certainly wouldn’t have called me.” and he grinned. “Becauee you know I won’t let you wallow in depression and pain. Correct?”

Korczak, Counselor

Sharah’s mouth twitched into a smile for a fleeting moment. There were people she could have called. Her brother, Mika, Tabris, but she had chosen instead to make an appt with Korczak. She sighed like a child caught stealing cookies. “Correct.”

Fayth

“The the first step on the journey has been taken. And that is the last step you take alone.” he said with sincere support. “Now I have homework for you. I want you, today and tomorrow, to do nothing. Stay home. Feel your feelings. Do not hide from them and do not evaluate. Just feel. Cry. Yell. Wail at the walls. Whatever you need to do short of harm. If you feel that need, call me directly. Otherwise, let yourself grieve your loss and your fear. Then… go out with your friend. Talk to them. Ask them to be there for you. Do you think you can do that?”

Korczak, Counselor

There were times that Sharah felt if her life stopped she would not be afraid, but welcome it. However she had no desire to end it. Life was sacred, even her own for as tumultuous and painful as it was. “Yes…no…sort of. I can’t neglect my work. The situation and security with the patients I mentioned…I can not leave them more short handed than we already are.” Eraras had already covered shifts for her when she…collapsed, fainted, was ill? “I will try to get tomorrow free.”

Fayth

Korczak looked at her a moment and said “Sharah… choose. Call in and have your colleagues cover today and tomorrow… or I put you on medical leave for a week, Lieutenant.” His voice was still caring and warm, but it was again firm.

Korczak, Counselor

Korczak could see Sharah considering the options. Could he actually put her on Medical leave all the way from there? Two days or a week? For one endless moment Sharah desperately wanted that week, away from people, responsibility, away from prying caring people. Maybe at the end of the week she wouldn’t come back. Maybe she’d walk away too. From these large empty quarters and the empty promise of a life. Walk away without a care for those it effected.

That wasn’t Sharah though. All she had was her ability to heal people. She leaned forward reaching for a PaDD. She worked on it a few moments and then set it down. She had to tell both the Fleet Medical staff and the hospital. “Okay, I’m off the next two days.” At least this way she didn’t have to explain why.

Fayth

Korczak smiled slightly and said “I know that was difficult, but thank you.” He looked at something on his desk and said “Now then… after the two days, we are agreed you will reach out and ask a friend for help. I would like to hear from you in… four days. Will that work for you?”

Korczak, Counselor

So in two days she was supposed to make a new friend while wallowing in her quarters. That was going to be easy. Sure. Did talking and communing with her bonsai tree count?

Oh, maybe there was that anger Korczak was talking about. She hadn’t wanted to call anyone, but she knew she had to. She couldn’t wallow in grief k owing what she was potentially capable of. She must maintain control. If Vulcans didn’t make her head and heart hurt so much with repressed emotion and chaotic subconscious thought she might try to emulate them. “Four days is fine. I can do that.”

Fayth