Posted by Captain Eela Dasca (Lt. Governor) in Dasca’s Apartment- Dinner with Kenzo

Posted by Civilian Kenzo B’tren-Hyrushi (Governor) in Dasca’s Apartment- Dinner with Kenzo

Posted by Captain Eela Dasca (Lt. Governor) in Dasca’s Apartment- Dinner with Kenzo

(snip)

For a moment her eyes drifted elsewhere, her lids closing as she tried to still the flux of emotion. It was so much harder now. Before she could meditate and it would clear her mind, calm everything about her, but now it was a skill that was just out of her reach. At least for now. There was a chance she’d regain it now that certain variables were no longer at play in her life, but maybe she was just kidding herself.

She opened her eyes and allowed her gaze to drift back to him. “It’s hard to explain, and trust me I’ve tried before. But we both know the process of acceptance can be a rocky one. It’s not just about my cognitive changes, Kenzo. There is a deep part of me that resents being told I can’t be on a starship again. And since I wasn’t ready to have a desk job back then, I left. It was my choice, but it didn’t feel like one. It felt like I had failed to meet some mark and was quietly pushed out. The admirals knew I wasn’t interested in teaching again. I had done it before and I really wasn’t interested in becoming one of the brass myself at the time.” She sighed. “I’m sure you’ve noted my resistance to being called Captain Dasca. I tolerate it and I will get used to it because it is practical on many levels. But I am not Captain Dasca anymore, as much as I want to be. She, as you say, no longer exists. So I’m here trying to be Eela Dasca and everyone keeps calling me Captain. I know they mean it as a sign of respect, but the cognitive dissonance it creates is jarring on a daily basis. I don’t know that I can just be until that dissonance is resolved, and I don’t know what that will take yet.”

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.

Kenzo fixed her with a look that was both understanding and firm simultaneously. “ ‘Captain’ is a title. It is nothing else. It does not define you, nor does it dictate who or what you are. You are Eela Dasca. Captain and Lieutenant Governor are what you do, not what you are. If you seek to find yourself in a title, you will find yourself trying to be something you are not. Because there are hundreds of thousands of Captains. And probably that many Governors and Lieutenant Governors. They are not unique or special, no matter how many wish it to mean exactly that. But you and I? We are unique. I am not Governor. I am Kenzo B’tren-Hyrushi. I am me. No more, no less. Governor is what I do. Lieutenant Governor and Captain are what you do. But the person seated across from me is not ‘Captain’. Or ‘Lieutenant Governor’. That person is Eela Dasca. And Eela Dasca is whomever you decide her to be. The titles do not dictate the character.”

Kenzo

He was right as much as he wasn’t and for different reasons. Of course the title wasn’t the end all and be all of who she was, but it had represented something huge in her life. It had been a part of her evolution and one that had been extremely painful and also rewarding. It was tied to events and people that she missed deeply. That grief felt tangible to her for a brief moment. But beyond that was something unshakable that she had been feeling since she had left the hospital, something indescribable that left left her feeling smaller, less than. It had crept in at some point with such stealth that she hadn’t even realized it was there until it had taken a firm hold. And it was tied to many things, namely the necessary secrecy enforced about her ship’s destruction and also the steady unravelling of her marriage. At least in uniform she could stand proudly. Now? Even here on Oed she was being asked to prove herself, over and over again. The difference today was that she wanted to, for her sake as well as the colony’s. But Eela couldn’t deny that it was more than a little exhausting.

Still, Eela nodded. She heard him and a part of her believed him. The rest would have to come when she was ready.

Gazing at him again, she smiled softly. “Are you a dessert person? Or would you prefer a hot beverage instead?”

~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov

“I am not a ‘dessert’ person, no. But a hot beverage would be quite nice.” Kenzo said. “If I can help clear?” he asked and stood and started picking up plates.

Kenzo