Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Vora Zorell (Scientist) in Capital City of Kebbran, Tenra- A Memoir

(snip)

OOC: This ongoing thread starts here: https://www.star-fleet.com/core/stf6/europa/posts/138444/

A few days later, another piece came in and Dr. Alkia posted it as promised. By now, there were a few comments on Vora’s pieces and Dor smiled at them. They were encouraging complimentary. She made sure to copy some of them to pass along so Vora knew how her story was being received.

---

Relearning

I went through a bunch of testing once I was in the clear after detox. I would spend some of my day with a therapist working on the things that had been involved in my addiction. We never called them causes. They were variables. Any one of them would not have led to the situation I had been in that allowed my addiction to take hold. But together? It had been a perfect storm of neglect and abuse that allowed someone to take one step too far.

Addiction is very much like that terrible friend you know you shouldn’t spend time with but when you do you feel on top of the world. It tells you everything will be great, that what you feel is so much better than that terrible dullness and emptiness you feel when you aren’t high. Everything is possible, but you can’t have it on your own, oh no. On your own, you’re stupid and pitiful. Disgusting. And who wants to live day in and day out like that? I certainly didn’t. And I didn’t know very many people around me who were willing to find out what else could be said about us if we didn’t have our addictions.

When it wasn’t my addiction telling me I was worthless, it was someone else. Usually a romantic partner. The worst of all was the man I found myself attached to without my consent, who held so much power over me and my fate that I felt unable to get away. His reach was too long and in The District he was like a god. One of many I assure you. People like him (I’ll call him Kem) seemed to have no issues taking what he wanted, when he wanted it and how he wanted it. His business dealings had left him incredibly wealthy and he probably could have lived anywhere else besides The District. But his narcissism was so strong that to live amongst those he controlled and who struggled to get by day to day made him feel even more powerful.

I can sit back and examine him from this perspective only because I have had enough time and distance from him. In the early days after I finally got away I was terrified of coming across him or his associates. Even though we had had something of an agreement in my leaving, I knew at any time on a whim he could revoke it and if I remained too close within reach I would be dragged back without a say in the matter. The only solution in my mind was to be as far away as I could get. The opportunity to do so would come later and a part of me knew I had to be ready when it did. But I had and have had no powers of prescience. I didn’t know the form that opportunity would take. And wow was it unexpected!

Remember those friends who helped get me to a rehab program? Well, the tests they had me do were to test my skills, my aptitudes. It was then that they gave me the term eidetic memory to explain this strange way my mind held onto every single damn thing. They thought it was amazing. I thought it was a nuisance and one of them laughed lightly and told me I wouldn’t always.

They were right.

The wonderful thing about recalling things with such perfect clarity is that you can revisit things and double-check how it all went down. But memory is a funny thing. Even with perfect recollection, at the end of the day it comes down to perspective. How we see and interpret those memories, well, those are as variable as the people within them. And for a very long time I saw myself and my actions as villainous. Addiction and people like Kem told me I was a terrible person, that no one could love me.

And I believed them.

It would take a very long process of re-examining my own memories and everything I thought was true to start to see what might be true. Accepting that I was a good person who had made some very difficult choices and made some terrible mistakes would take years. And it would take years more for that woman to step towards love as something to be welcomed, not feared.

~Dr. Dor Alkia for Vora Zorell

It was a much longer stretch before Alkia saw another piece from Vora. She had checked in on her former patient now and again to make sure she was okay, but as she understood it, things had been shifting and it was taking Zorell a little bit longer to reflect and form her next post. But it was certainly worth the wait, and by that point the comments to her thread had been growing. Vora’s words were resonating with others deeply, as Dor knew they would.

Regression

For a long time after I escaped my terrible circumstances in The District, I thought that that shame would be the worst I’d ever experience.

I was wrong.

No, the worst shame I would experience would be self-inflicted the day I had to tell my boss I needed to take a medical leave. Technically I didn’t need to explain why, since a doctor had signed off on the leave, but this boss knew at least some of my difficult path to the career I now hold. Even so, I wasn’t required to tell him, but I did anyway. It felt dishonest not to reveal to him the reason I had to go away for a little bit: I had relapsed.

I had been naive enough to believe the idle words of an overworked and underfunded rehab clinician that if I just got through rehab and got myself in a better place, I would be free. Free from the guilt, free from the endless cycle of feast, famine and worthlessness.

Relapse had been an accident. I won’t explain the details, but suffice to say I realized what was happening too late. A doctor had explained to me that between my eidetic memory and the fact that long-term drug abuse can alter the chemical pathways of my brain, I was more susceptible. Even if I never touched another narcotic, my brain had wired itself for addiction. I could rewire it again to be less prone to abusing anything, but it would take time and a lot of positive repetition to replace the old habits.

So while it’s not surprising that I became addicted to something again, it did surprise me then. So strong was my sense of shame that I did something incredibly stupid. I detoxed on my own without telling anyone. I justified it by telling myself that if I could just do this quietly on my own, then no one would have to know. I’d be okay.

I wasn’t. I almost died.

The stress on my heart was so bad I ended up needing medical treatment. And thus began a fresh flush of shame and embarrassment. I cringe even now remembering it, so visceral in my body even years later.

I confessed my missteps to my boss and he was great. Supportive. He told me to do what I needed to do. I didn’t fully know what that was at the time, but eventually I found myself back in The District, supervised by a great doctor who pushed me to confront the ugly truths I didn’t want to face: I was an addict. I’ll always be in recovery.

I could tell you how long I’ve been clean for. Years, months, days, hours. But in the end it doesn’t matter. Today I treat each day I wake up as a gift, not to be wasted. It doesn’t mean I don’t struggle or have bad days. On the worst ones I confess to my partner how badly I want a drink, anything to numb the pain I feel about whatever is bothering me. But that’s as far as it goes. And my partner holds the space for me in those moments in ways I don’t think I can fully express my gratitude for. With him I am allowed to be flawed, messy. And with that option on the table, I have found my need to escape my pain less and less. If I could wish something for anyone struggling, it would be that you find that one person who makes life just that little bit easier. Who casts light into the darkness you feel you can’t escape and makes it a less scary place to be. I wish that for all of you, no matter how bad things are or how bad they get. Look for the light. It shines from unexpected directions.

~Dr. Dor Alkia for Vora Zorell