Posted 11 June 2018 - 4:20am by Ensign Raymond Luxury-Yacht (Scientist) (Russell Watt)

Raymond was back (and front), though mostly back. His last foray into the weird, wacky and wonderful world of the Constellation was cut short by him being told of a new species being found in some science lab in some distant part of the Federation, so he went … only to be disappointed, when it turned out that the new lifeform was nothing more than the snot from the nose of a scientific assistant who did not practice good hygiene practices.

After a barely adequate (in his view) lecture and series of workshops (including pamphlets, charts, a series of interactive holographic noses, practical exercises and a final exam), Raymond was pleased enough with their progress. When he proposed a follow up series on their ears “Is that wax in your ear, or do you wish you couldn’t hear here”, the chief scientist took action.

First he contacted his contacts at Starfleet personnel to arrange a new posting, and an old one. Secondly, he completed the feedback survey, giving Raymond 5 noses and the comment “A unique experience and presenter, Raymond knows best when it comes to knowing about noses. I will never forget his holographic noses.” And finally, he personally escorted Raymond to the transporter room. He did not want the lunatic to have any chance of staying there.

And so now Raymond Luxury Yacht was on the Constellation, his interrupted tour of duty ready to resume. His ears today were reminders of Tolkien elves, and his nose would remind one of the terran pig, both the ears and the nose were clearly fakes, the string holding the nose in place, as well as the unmatching skin colours gave that away.

• Ensign Raymond nose Science