Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Leah Hart (Nurse Practitioner/Counseling) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation
Posted by… suppressed (7) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

“Does that mean you’re letting me stay?” Roman asked. There was actually a sliver of hope in his voice as he glanced over at Leah. Though, for him to look so casual and relaxed was… not normal for him. To him to be such in the presence of one that wasn’t family was improper.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She was careful to not rush into a response and eyed him intently before she replied. “I trust my instincts greatly, Roman. I have to. If I don’t, I can make mistakes, and the mistakes I make affect a person’s life. And my instincts tell me that while you do feel a deep despair and you might yet have moment that pull you somewhere dark, I don’t think you are a risk to this ship. And if we continue to do this hard work together, you will find your way. Whether you can see it or not, you’ve made tremendous progress. You’re pessimism right now is expected. Progress isn’t a steady staircase you walk up. It’s more like hiking through the hills. You’re going to up and down, and some of those hills will be harder than others. I’m not expecting perfection, just honest effort,” Leah said.

~Leah Hart, NP

“When can I go back to my quarters?” He asked them, a trace of a smile on his face. He wasnt going to have the effort debate again, nor the progress debate, but her response sounded downright hopeful. “If I’m not a threat, no reason to contain me… Or remove me. Right?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“I said you weren’t a risk to the ship. But, I have to decide if you are a risk to yourself. That matters a great deal too. If I get it wrong and get out of here and take your life, then that’s on me. That will be my fault and something I could have prevented,” Leah said, rather emphatically. “And you’re so quick to lie to my face that I’m not sure I can trust what you say. So where does that leave us, hmm?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Lie to your face?” Roman asked, offended. “I have not lied.” He gave Leah a hard look. “What on earth do you think I’ve lied about?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She arched her brows. “Seriously. Don’t play dumb with me Roman. I may not be able to itemize everyone one of them, but I can read you better than you think I can. It’s my job after all.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Tell me, then, what do you read from me?” Roman asked with an intense stare. At least now he was sitting up, not laying around like a blob.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Hart met his gaze evenly. “Avoidance. It’s like if you don’t have to speak the truth aloud it doesn’t exist. It can’t possibly be a real problem if you never have to utter the words. Also, you seem to regard mental issues with disdain. I understand why, and I think we can work towards shifting that perception, but there’s a dichotomy there. It’s okay for someone, say me, to have struggled, but you are too good for that.” She leaned in towards him ever so slightly. “Hate to break it to you Commander Roman Alden, but you are no better or worse than anyone on this ship. We all have our strengths, and our faults. You are no better than us, and that means, you can benefit from the solutions as much as we can. So I would suggest you suck it up and just accept this reality. It’ll make things a lot easier for both of us.” She spoke lightly and there was no harshness at all. It was almost how a friend might tease another friend with blunt honesty.

~Leah Hart, NP

“Better? Ask anyone, I don’t think I’m better than anyone here.” Roman said. His tone was light, but he spoke seriously. “So.” He kept her gaze. “Why, then?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She could call him on his bs, but instead focused on the question. “Why what? Why you have a disdain for anything that makes you seem less than perfect?” she said with a curious expression.

~Leah Hart, NP

“Yes.” He leaned back, still looking at her. “I want to hear your thoughts.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah studied him for a few moments before she nodded, trying to decide if he was ready to hear this truth. “Okay, here goes. In my professional opinion, your family of origin is toxic and abusive. I can’t diagnosis clinical narcissism from a distance, but the dynamics I’ve heard do fit a narcissistic family system. You were taught that anything less than perfection is shameful, and thus the dilemma we have currently.

“When you did great, you were acceptable to your parents, but when you did less than, probably even in small degrees, you were made to feel terrible about yourself. So you strive for high achievement, which in of itself is perfectly fine, but without your parents-of-origin here to punish you for imperfection, you do it to yourself. Perhaps even sometimes in anticipation of being found ‘less than’. Why wait for someone to tell you’re worthless, you’ll just tell yourself that and get a jump start on the misery. And so you are depressed, anxious and can’t tolerate even the slightest bit of your life out of place.

“Add on top of that the PTSD and the unprocessed grief from not just Jay’s death, but the whole incident, and it’s a ripe situation for someone to decide their life has no value, despite all the achievements and all the incredible things you have all around you, including a partner who loves you so much she risked her relationship with you in the hopes of keeping you safe.

Roman laughed softly. “I could never leave her. Regardless of what she does. I wish she could accept that.”

“And the greatest irony is I think you probably are an incredibly compassionate person but it’s all from a distance, Roman, it’s partially fake. Because you don’t know what true compassion is so you distrust it in others and haven’t learned yet how to mirror it for others. You can give the facade, but go ahead and look me in the eyes and tell me there wasn’t even the tiniest part of your brain that didn’t wonder how I could help other people when I had been a mental health mess myself.” It was a challenge. A dare. But Leah wasn’t upset in the least. She just knew deep down she was on the tright track with this all. She laid down the gauntlet and now she would see how he handled it.

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman looked utterly and genuinely confused. “No, that never crossed my mind. Why would I think that? I… I have a.... certain distrust of… therapists. But I don’t think less of you for what you went through. The accusation is insulting.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She was quiet for several moment, letting his words hover over them. It was okay if she didn’t quite read this right, but Leah also knew she wasn’t entirely wrong. She she needed to switch tracks. “It’s not meant to be. And I apologize for not only being insulting, but misreading a piece of this. The fact still remains though that there are two contrary facts warring inside your head and it’s making our progress slower than it might otherwise be. It’s called cognitive dissonance and it’s time we brought it very clearly to light and deal with it.”

“You believe that others can receive help when they are struggling. You’ve said as much. But you also don’t believe you are worthy of help, and my impression has been that you seem to be ashamed to be here in the first place. Does that sound correct?”

~Leah Hart, NP

There was a long pause. Then, “…yes,” he said at last, glancing up at Leah, then down at the floor.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“Okay. Now, you asked me for my assessment and then focused on the one detail that was wrong. Which is fair. But about the rest of it? What about your family-of-origin? Am I wrong there too?” Leah knew instinctively she wasn’t but it important for him to work through all of this.

~Leah Hart, NP

He shrugged. “I… no, no it isn’t.” He never spoke of it, but he knew it wasn’t right, the way he was treated. But there was more to that than he’d said. “Why does that matter?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah took her time gathering her thoughts. “It matters because as much as genetics determine a great deal about us, the environment we were raised in shapes us deeply. Our families of origin determine how we see the world, ourselves, and how we fit into that world around us. They can bolster us, support us, cheer us on. But they can also undermine our worth, make us feel less than and that we can nothing right. They can also be somewhere in the middle in a whole range of behaviours. No family is perfect and the people within that family unit can and will make mistakes, but the strongest ones are where all members feel supported and loved.”

She leaned in towards him. “Tell the last time you remember either of your parents-of-origin saying ‘I love you’.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“They said it plenty, the question is whether they meant it.” Roman replied bitterly. “You can say it as much as you like. Doesn’t mean anything if you act like that.“

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“I would agree,” Leah said. “And here’s the thing about dysfunctional families-of-origin: they often skew how we form relationships going forward. They can also shape how we see ourselves. You didn’t get a negative self-image by happenstance, Roman. It was years upon years of small things that all add up. It’s not a single event, but the cumulative effect of anything that would allow you to feel secure in your attachments in life.”

“You said you would never leave Rand and you wished she would accept that. Accept that you have been and still might be ready to give up your life. Would that not amount to the same thing for her?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman nodded. “Why do you think she told Kreed? Knowing how I would feel about that? What it would bring down on me? That’s why… in my letter… most of it was an apology. For leaving her.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah cast her gaze to the side as she thought through the issue and how to go about explaining something. When she looked at Roman again, Leah almost looked a little sad. “Sometimes, when we love someone a great deal, we have to make tough decisions in order to protect them. And sometimes it means going against what they wish. Whether that is the right choice is very dependant on the circumstances and people involved. I can’t speak for her, and so that is a conversation you should have with her, but in my experience, loved ones who have a genuine care for someone will intervene, even if it puts them at odds with that person.

“If you consider the work we’ve done together, and the conversation you’ve had with the Calianos, do you think she made the right or wrong decision to intervene?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Regardless of how I feel about it I never thought sheade the wrong decision. She did what she thought was right. What I’d expect anyone to do.” Roman replied. “I still wish I weren’t locked in a room by myself off duty. As for whether I.... You know…” He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She let his words fill the room for a moment before Leah said, “What has changed since you first were removed from duty?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“I don’t feel like doing anything like that right now.” Roman answered after a moment of thought. It wasn’t much, but it was the only honest answer.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“And what would help keep that feeling from returning? Or maybe to put it another way, what might help you from acting on those thoughts should they return?” Leah asked.

~Leah Hart, NP

There was another hesitation. “I don’t know.” He answered honestly.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“What do you know for certain, as of this moment, and taking into consideration the events and conversations the last few days?” Leah asked.

~Leah Hart, NP