Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Leah Hart (Nurse Practitioner/Counseling) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Leah Hart (Nurse Practitioner/Counseling) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation
Posted by… suppressed (24) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

She turned to fully face Alden. “It’s when a traumatic event happens where people are harmed or killed, and those that survive or have less injuries or struggles than the other, feel guilt over it. And it’s not just the emotion of guilt either. Deep down we can unconsciously dread punishment for surviving. And so we can not only have to deal with the psychological and physical trauma of the event itself, but it creates this feedback cycle where we experience mental stress and physical symptoms that then tell us we’re not worthy to have survived. ‘Look, see? I can’t even function properly. I shouldn’t have survived easier’. Keep in mind that this isn’t always a conscious thought, but sometimes, as I, and Henry and Marianne, have heard form you that you you shouldn’t have survived. Jay should have. The guilt we feel in these instances is a way of atoning, of trying to make it right, balance the score as it were.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Well, there is a score to be settled, is there not?” Roman insisted tearfully. He looked awful. He was ashamed of it - it was no state for him to be seen in at all.

Marianne shook her head sadly. “No, Roman… You are just as important as he was.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Hart didn’t address his mother’s comment and instead kept her focus on Alden. “What would make everything right? We can’t bring Jay back from the dead. We can’t change what has already happened,” she said softly.

~Leah Hart, NP

“If there were a way, I’d do it in a flash. I’d trade anything.” Roman replied. The Calianos looked horrified, and Roman suddenly seemed incredibly guilty. “I’m sorry.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

But Leah didn’t react. After all, this was not news to her. “The other piece to survivor’s guilt is that is often accompanied by Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Which you were diagnosed with and treatment did not progress too far before circumstances shifted. And now we are seeing the fallout of this. Can you, just for a moment, reach into your scientific logic for a moment and consider that maybe how you feel about your life versus Jay’s is a symptoms of a condition that has gone untreated, or untreated very well so far?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman began to shake his head. He’d asked, begged Randy not to put that in his file. Apparently, Rand’s brother hadn’t listened (rightfully so, but Roman wasn’t in a logical state of mind). “I don’t know why that would be in there.”

“Yes you do,” Leah said simply.

Roman’s scowl deepened but he didn’t say anything else.

“Roman…” Henry tried. “These things aren’t shameful. No one in the fleet would judge you for that. Certainly no one who would see that diagnosis.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“What would Jay say if he were able to chime in on this conversation?” It sounded like Jay was able to give Roman perspective and she wondered if that ability had stayed with him.”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman laughed a sad and hollow laugh. “He’d never guess this would happen.” He said. “He’d say the same things as Mr Caliano. Except with all the sass a man can muster.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“Would you believe him?” Leah asked. “Would you believe it if Jay said what’s happening with you is an understandable thing to experience under all the circumstances?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Heh, no, but he’d repeat it until you’d think he was verbally beating me with it.” Roman replied, voice as hollow as his earlier laugh.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah glanced briefly at the Calianos before focusing on her patient again. “What you’re dealing with Roman is treatable. We can’t bring Jay back and it’s always going to hurt. The best we can do as being going through a mortal life is learn to live with the pain because that’s the tradeoff for loving someone. There is always the risk of pain. We can only hope that they while they were in our life they brought something wonderful for us to remember and cherish. From everything I’ve heard, Jay did that for you. I can’t make Jay being gone okay, but I can help you find a way to carry on. If you let me.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“I can’t see how,” Roman said with a shrug. “I can’t say no, I just don’t think it’s possible.” He looked at Leah, “I’m aware my answers dictate whether I get to remain on Sentinel,” and he looked at Henry, “and that as a retired Captain you know that as well as she does.” Then he faced Leah again, “At this point, I don’t know how much I care.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“That’s some fine bullsh!t right there,” Leah said flatly. “I clearly remember spending a great deal of time early in our conversations with you telling me how much your career and staying on the Sentinel meant to you. Now, if that’s changed in one day, so be it, we can adjust from here, but if not, you’re lying to yourself and lying to us and it’s not useful in any way.”

~Leah Hart, NP

Henry smiled slightly. Direct and to the point was exactly the approach someone as stubborn as Roman needed.

Roman, meanwhile, scowled and crossed his arms. “Okay, maybe not ‘don’t care’ but I’m....” He didn’t know the term ‘emotionally exhausted’. He didn’t really understand it.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“You’re what? Describe it, if needed,” Leah said, her tone more gentle now.

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman shook his head. “I can’t. I… I don’t know how. I’m just… Tired I guess.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah nodded. “That’s understandable. You’ve not just been processing a lot of thoughts and emotions the last few days, but there are lots of things that have gone unprocessed that you’ve been carrying. I would be surprised it you weren’t tired, or feeling worn out in some capacity. I warned you that this work was not easy, but there’s a big difference between being tired and unable to process more, and not longer caring about doing so. One we can accomodate for, the other, well, it has a very different outcome.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Well, they don’t feel that different.” His voice rumbled softly over the words. Roman sighed and laid back on the bed, casting a glance at the Calianos. He just wanted life to go back to how it was - Roman managing himself, doing his work, with Rand, and everyone looking the other way and leaving him alone.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She gave him a smile. “That’s fair. And this is why I advocate taking breaks in this process. Unfortunately, the processing ended up being a part of the assessment, which is where things get complicated. Would it make a difference if I told you I don’t see your situation as hopeless?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“How is it not hopeless?” Roman was deep into the depression. All he saw was hopelessness. In his mind, there was no possible way it wasn’t hopeless.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah flicked her gaze between Roman and the Calianos. “We can finish the discussion needed for the evaluation after. Unless you’re okay going into here.” The whole conversation had swept into territory she normally wouldn’t involve family members in without a specific agreement, but this was hardly a a typical situation.

~Leah Hart, NP

Henry smiled. “We can take our leave, Lieutenant. Just promise us you’ll make him call us back. Alright?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She shook her head. “It’s not my decision, but I hope now that the lines of communication are open that they can stay that way.” Leah nodded to Henry and Marianne.

When they were gone, she turned on the bed, crossing her legs and gazing at him as he lay on the bed, the picture of utter defeat. “There is hope for one simple reason: you are still here. And by that, I mean both on this ship and in this life. What other small things could be signs of hope?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Does that mean you’re letting me stay?” Roman asked. There was actually a sliver of hope in his voice as he glanced over at Leah. Though, for him to look so casual and relaxed was… not normal for him. To him to be such in the presence of one that wasn’t family was improper.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She was careful to not rush into a response and eyed him intently before she replied. “I trust my instincts greatly, Roman. I have to. If I don’t, I can make mistakes, and the mistakes I make affect a person’s life. And my instincts tell me that while you do feel a deep despair and you might yet have moment that pull you somewhere dark, I don’t think you are a risk to this ship. And if we continue to do this hard work together, you will find your way. Whether you can see it or not, you’ve made tremendous progress. You’re pessimism right now is expected. Progress isn’t a steady staircase you walk up. It’s more like hiking through the hills. You’re going to up and down, and some of those hills will be harder than others. I’m not expecting perfection, just honest effort,” Leah said.

~Leah Hart, NP

“When can I go back to my quarters?” He asked them, a trace of a smile on his face. He wasnt going to have the effort debate again, nor the progress debate, but her response sounded downright hopeful. “If I’m not a threat, no reason to contain me… Or remove me. Right?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“I said you weren’t a risk to the ship. But, I have to decide if you are a risk to yourself. That matters a great deal too. If I get it wrong and get out of here and take your life, then that’s on me. That will be my fault and something I could have prevented,” Leah said, rather emphatically. “And you’re so quick to lie to my face that I’m not sure I can trust what you say. So where does that leave us, hmm?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Lie to your face?” Roman asked, offended. “I have not lied.” He gave Leah a hard look. “What on earth do you think I’ve lied about?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She arched her brows. “Seriously. Don’t play dumb with me Roman. I may not be able to itemize everyone one of them, but I can read you better than you think I can. It’s my job after all.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Tell me, then, what do you read from me?” Roman asked with an intense stare. At least now he was sitting up, not laying around like a blob.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Hart met his gaze evenly. “Avoidance. It’s like if you don’t have to speak the truth aloud it doesn’t exist. It can’t possibly be a real problem if you never have to utter the words. Also, you seem to regard mental issues with disdain. I understand why, and I think we can work towards shifting that perception, but there’s a dichotomy there. It’s okay for someone, say me, to have struggled, but you are too good for that.” She leaned in towards him ever so slightly. “Hate to break it to you Commander Roman Alden, but you are no better or worse than anyone on this ship. We all have our strengths, and our faults. You are no better than us, and that means, you can benefit from the solutions as much as we can. So I would suggest you suck it up and just accept this reality. It’ll make things a lot easier for both of us.” She spoke lightly and there was no harshness at all. It was almost how a friend might tease another friend with blunt honesty.

~Leah Hart, NP

“Better? Ask anyone, I don’t think I’m better than anyone here.” Roman said. His tone was light, but he spoke seriously. “So.” He kept her gaze. “Why, then?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She could call him on his bs, but instead focused on the question. “Why what? Why you have a disdain for anything that makes you seem less than perfect?” she said with a curious expression.

~Leah Hart, NP

“Yes.” He leaned back, still looking at her. “I want to hear your thoughts.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah studied him for a few moments before she nodded, trying to decide if he was ready to hear this truth. “Okay, here goes. In my professional opinion, your family of origin is toxic and abusive. I can’t diagnosis clinical narcissism from a distance, but the dynamics I’ve heard do fit a narcissistic family system. You were taught that anything less than perfection is shameful, and thus the dilemma we have currently.

“When you did great, you were acceptable to your parents, but when you did less than, probably even in small degrees, you were made to feel terrible about yourself. So you strive for high achievement, which in of itself is perfectly fine, but without your parents-of-origin here to punish you for imperfection, you do it to yourself. Perhaps even sometimes in anticipation of being found ‘less than’. Why wait for someone to tell you’re worthless, you’ll just tell yourself that and get a jump start on the misery. And so you are depressed, anxious and can’t tolerate even the slightest bit of your life out of place.

“Add on top of that the PTSD and the unprocessed grief from not just Jay’s death, but the whole incident, and it’s a ripe situation for someone to decide their life has no value, despite all the achievements and all the incredible things you have all around you, including a partner who loves you so much she risked her relationship with you in the hopes of keeping you safe.

Roman laughed softly. “I could never leave her. Regardless of what she does. I wish she could accept that.”

“And the greatest irony is I think you probably are an incredibly compassionate person but it’s all from a distance, Roman, it’s partially fake. Because you don’t know what true compassion is so you distrust it in others and haven’t learned yet how to mirror it for others. You can give the facade, but go ahead and look me in the eyes and tell me there wasn’t even the tiniest part of your brain that didn’t wonder how I could help other people when I had been a mental health mess myself.” It was a challenge. A dare. But Leah wasn’t upset in the least. She just knew deep down she was on the tright track with this all. She laid down the gauntlet and now she would see how he handled it.

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman looked utterly and genuinely confused. “No, that never crossed my mind. Why would I think that? I… I have a.... certain distrust of… therapists. But I don’t think less of you for what you went through. The accusation is insulting.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She was quiet for several moment, letting his words hover over them. It was okay if she didn’t quite read this right, but Leah also knew she wasn’t entirely wrong. She she needed to switch tracks. “It’s not meant to be. And I apologize for not only being insulting, but misreading a piece of this. The fact still remains though that there are two contrary facts warring inside your head and it’s making our progress slower than it might otherwise be. It’s called cognitive dissonance and it’s time we brought it very clearly to light and deal with it.”

“You believe that others can receive help when they are struggling. You’ve said as much. But you also don’t believe you are worthy of help, and my impression has been that you seem to be ashamed to be here in the first place. Does that sound correct?”

~Leah Hart, NP

There was a long pause. Then, “…yes,” he said at last, glancing up at Leah, then down at the floor.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO