Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Leah Hart (Nurse Practitioner/Counseling) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

(snip)

She turned to fully face Alden. “It’s when a traumatic event happens where people are harmed or killed, and those that survive or have less injuries or struggles than the other, feel guilt over it. And it’s not just the emotion of guilt either. Deep down we can unconsciously dread punishment for surviving. And so we can not only have to deal with the psychological and physical trauma of the event itself, but it creates this feedback cycle where we experience mental stress and physical symptoms that then tell us we’re not worthy to have survived. ‘Look, see? I can’t even function properly. I shouldn’t have survived easier’. Keep in mind that this isn’t always a conscious thought, but sometimes, as I, and Henry and Marianne, have heard form you that you you shouldn’t have survived. Jay should have. The guilt we feel in these instances is a way of atoning, of trying to make it right, balance the score as it were.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Well, there is a score to be settled, is there not?” Roman insisted tearfully. He looked awful. He was ashamed of it - it was no state for him to be seen in at all.

Marianne shook her head sadly. “No, Roman… You are just as important as he was.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Hart didn’t address his mother’s comment and instead kept her focus on Alden. “What would make everything right? We can’t bring Jay back from the dead. We can’t change what has already happened,” she said softly.

~Leah Hart, NP

“If there were a way, I’d do it in a flash. I’d trade anything.” Roman replied. The Calianos looked horrified, and Roman suddenly seemed incredibly guilty. “I’m sorry.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

But Leah didn’t react. After all, this was not news to her. “The other piece to survivor’s guilt is that is often accompanied by Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Which you were diagnosed with and treatment did not progress too far before circumstances shifted. And now we are seeing the fallout of this. Can you, just for a moment, reach into your scientific logic for a moment and consider that maybe how you feel about your life versus Jay’s is a symptoms of a condition that has gone untreated, or untreated very well so far?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman began to shake his head. He’d asked, begged Randy not to put that in his file. Apparently, Rand’s brother hadn’t listened (rightfully so, but Roman wasn’t in a logical state of mind). “I don’t know why that would be in there.”

“Yes you do,” Leah said simply.

Roman’s scowl deepened but he didn’t say anything else.

“Roman…” Henry tried. “These things aren’t shameful. No one in the fleet would judge you for that. Certainly no one who would see that diagnosis.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“What would Jay say if he were able to chime in on this conversation?” It sounded like Jay was able to give Roman perspective and she wondered if that ability had stayed with him.”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman laughed a sad and hollow laugh. “He’d never guess this would happen.” He said. “He’d say the same things as Mr Caliano. Except with all the sass a man can muster.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“Would you believe him?” Leah asked. “Would you believe it if Jay said what’s happening with you is an understandable thing to experience under all the circumstances?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Heh, no, but he’d repeat it until you’d think he was verbally beating me with it.” Roman replied, voice as hollow as his earlier laugh.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah glanced briefly at the Calianos before focusing on her patient again. “What you’re dealing with Roman is treatable. We can’t bring Jay back and it’s always going to hurt. The best we can do as being going through a mortal life is learn to live with the pain because that’s the tradeoff for loving someone. There is always the risk of pain. We can only hope that they while they were in our life they brought something wonderful for us to remember and cherish. From everything I’ve heard, Jay did that for you. I can’t make Jay being gone okay, but I can help you find a way to carry on. If you let me.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“I can’t see how,” Roman said with a shrug. “I can’t say no, I just don’t think it’s possible.” He looked at Leah, “I’m aware my answers dictate whether I get to remain on Sentinel,” and he looked at Henry, “and that as a retired Captain you know that as well as she does.” Then he faced Leah again, “At this point, I don’t know how much I care.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“That’s some fine bullsh!t right there,” Leah said flatly. “I clearly remember spending a great deal of time early in our conversations with you telling me how much your career and staying on the Sentinel meant to you. Now, if that’s changed in one day, so be it, we can adjust from here, but if not, you’re lying to yourself and lying to us and it’s not useful in any way.”

~Leah Hart, NP