Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Leah Hart (Nurse Practitioner/Counseling) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation
Posted by… suppressed (31) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Rand accessed the comms looking to those around her as if there was nothing out of the ordinary going on. As far as the crew knew, he was working in a classified assignment with medical. [O]Yes, Lt. I will bring that down shortly.[C] Rand finished the task she was doing and then quickly went back to their quarters. She grabbed one of his long sleeve button downs, slacks, underclothes, socks, shoes. She put them all in a bag then paused. She wasn’t sure, but she would ask Lt Hart before she handed it over. If Roman was allowed regular clothes he might want to shower and clean up. She put his toiletries in a separate bag and then headed down to his room. Pressing the comm again [O]Lt Hart, I have the items you requested.[C]

Yeoman Rand

Leah stepped out and smiled and took the bag. “Thank you”. She paused for a moment before adding. “We’re calling Henry and Maryann. Wish us luck.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Good. I hope it goes well.” She knew they would be thrilled to finally see and speak to Roman after all this time. “Oh, Lt. Hart. I didn’t know, but when you said clothes to be around others, I packed his toiletries. Including his shaving things. He’s very particular about his appearance. I didn’t know if he was allowed. I can take it back with me.”

Yeoman Rand

She shook her head. “That won’t be necessary. I think a shower and freshening himself up would do a world of good.” Leah considered Rand for a moment. “Thank you, for your support and help during all of this. I know it’s not easy on either of you, and there will be some fallout to deal with in the aftermath, but know that you steadfastness has made a difference for him, and for the work he and I are doing together. I don’t think he would have come as far as he had without you.”

~Leah Hart, NP

Rand nodded and smiled slightly. “Anything I can do, just tell me.” Rand left, knowing she couldn’t see him. The words ‘fallout’ and ‘aftermath’ were ringing in her ears. They made it hard to concentrate on her work the rest of the day. It wasn’t anything Rand wasn’t expecting though.

Yeoman Rand

Leah stepped back into the temporary quarters and held out the bag for Roman. “There are toiletries in there. Why don’t you go have a shower and freshen up. I’ll hang out with pip,” she said, moving to sit on the floor with the rabbit.

~Leah Hart, NP

“Oh, fantastic. Thank Rand for me.” He said. He took the bag and left Leah with the little orange spotted Netherland dwarf rabbit. Roman went into the bathroom and did not come out for nearly an hour. Leah heard the shower running for a while, and then the sounds of him doing various self care tasks: brushing his teeth, deoderizing, shaving, doing his hair.

After grabbing the terminal and setting it on the desk, Leah grounded herself by giving Pip attention. After awhile she grabbed her PADD and did some reading, letting the time pass. There were some who would have bene appalled that she left him alone with a razor, but Leah trusted her instincts and while he was frustrated, she didn’t get the impression that he was in despair right now. Something had shifted. Was it enough for the long term? She wasn’t sure, but for now she felt it important to extend some trust to him.

Then, at last, he came out, dressed in the clothing Rand had brought for him. He looked much more like his normal self: formal, professional, clean and perfect. It made him look a tad unapproachable, especially with that sullen expression on his face, but it also seemed to help how he felt and saw himself.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She smiled. “How do you feel? Ready to call them?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman was surprisingly cooperative. He kept the other toiletries, but the razor he brought out with him. “Do you need to hold onto this?” He asked politely.

“Yes,” she said simply, holding out her hand.

He handed it over without argument. He had assumed the answer was yes, but he was hoping for a no.

He scowled. “What do you think?” And there was more of that attitude he’d given her throughout this process.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“I don’t know,” Leah said, her voice calm. “I’m not in her your head and body and I’m not empathic. I can take a very educated guess based on your body language but at the end of the day you have to tell what is true for you. So, how do you feel right now, and are you ready to call them?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Let’s hurry up and do it,” he’d never admit to it and he didn’t really understand it, but anxiety was making him feel ill. He didn’t want to wait around if she wasn’t going to let him not do this.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah said nothing more and simply set up the terminal at the desk. She pulled the desk over so he could sit on the edge of the bed comfortably and still be seen on the screen and put in the call to Henry. She stayed in view for now.

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman sat with perfect posture on the edge of the bed, leaving space for Leah. His face was intentionally unreadable.

Henry answered quickly and on the screen appeared the retired Captain and his wife, a red haired older woman, somewhat petit, but nice looking. They both smiled widely when they saw Roman. “Roman, you’re looking good.” said Mrs Caliano. Mr Caliano grinned. “Like always. How are you doing? Rand called us-”

“She did? She… What did she say?” Roman asked, his mask swiftly shattered as anxiety and embarrassment showed on his face.

“Roman, it’s okay,” Mr Caliano said gently. “It’s not uncommon for officers that’ve been through something to go through this. Not at all.”

“I don’t care.” Roman stated, surprisingly harshly.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah glanced between Roman and Henry. “And that is something that can be discussed later. Regardless of the circumstances, we’re here now. I will facilitate as needed, but this is a conversation that has been waiting to happen now for awhile. So… talk. And if anyone needs to take a break, then we take a five minute break.” She shifted her position slightly so she dipped partly out of view but was visible on the edge of the screen.

~Leah Hart, NP

Marianne sighed, “You’re right Lt. Hart. We apologize. We’re just worried.” She looked at Roman. The work was always so important to him. “We’ve missed you.”

Roman frowned uncomfortably. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, son. We understand,” Mr Caliano said. “I’ve followed your career. I am very proud of the man and Officer you are.”

Roman looked away with a very slight shake of the head. He didn’t think he deserved proudness. Not from them, at least. “I failed when it mattered.”

“Roman, son, look at me,” Mr Caliano said, “Jay’s death was not your fault. You didn’t fire on the Ardent, you didn’t blow that bulkhead. Jay knew the risks of joining Star Fleet and you, nor me, nor Mom could have stopped him joining. You are his brother not his keeper. No one blames you.” He blew out a breath. “I’ve seen the footage Roman. There was nothing you could have done, even if you hadn’t been hurt too. We are thankful we didn’t lose you both.”

Roman rubbed his leg, as he often did at the memory of his injuries. There were tears in his eyes. “I should’ve been able to help him. It should’ve been me, not him.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“Tell them why you feel that way,” Leah said softly.

~Leah Hart, NP

Tears filled Maryanne’s eyes. “Why? Why would you think that Roman?”

Roman shook his head. “He was better than me. Happier. Friendlier. Just… Better.”

Mr Caliano leaned forward and gave Roman that look. “Roman, you listen to me. Jay was not better than you. He was not more worthy than you. You boys were unique and different, but not better or worse than each other. We love Jay. We love you too. For you, yourself, not because you were Jay’s friend.”

Roman looked up at Mr Caliano with a sad, disbelieving look. He believed that they loved him for him, but not that Jay wasn’t more worthy than him.

Marianne set a hand on his shoulder. “It’s time he knew.” Mr Caliano nodded. “Roman,” she began, “we never told you at the time. You were so lost and adrift and we didn’t want to make it worse. We,” she looked at her husband, “Well, about three months after your parents disowned you and allowed you to live with us, we tried to adopt you. Your parents were… well you know how they are. They threatened to take you home and send you away if we didn’t drop it. That as long as we didn’t pursue the adoption, you could stay. We couldn’t stand to lose you, so we dropped it. We wanted to keep you. We love you so much, that we went along so we could keep you. We were afraid of what would happen to you before we could get you back.”

Tears spilled over and ran down Roman’s cheeks. “I…” Why would they do that? Disown him, kick him out, and then prevent people that actually wanted him from having him. And that made his parents’ attempt at contact now so much worse. “Why? Why would they do that?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“There’s rarely a simple answer,” Leah said. “It could be a variety of things, but there are times when some people simply can’t stand to not control over a situation. By remaining legally your parents, they had control that they believed they could exercise at any time. And regardless of the reasoning, it is definitely a cruel thing to do to someone. Harmful.” Leah hadn’t gone there regarding his parents yet. She hadn’t believed he was ready to hear her verdict on their behaviour, even if he subconsciously probably already knew it.

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman was about to say they weren’t that bad when Marianne spoke up again.

Marianne touched the screen with her palm. “Because they are horrible people, Roman. Abusive and cruel. I also think that part of it was they didn’t want you to be happy. It hurt their ego to think that people that they saw as lesser could provide you, a member of their family, a happier life.”

“Papers or no papers you are still our son. You may not be of our blood, but we love you just as fiercely,” his father said. There was more, but they weren’t sure how much they should say.

Roman was quiet, still crying quietly. “I don’t know what to think.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Later, perhaps, he might look back on these two days and see the tremendous progress he had made. The key was that he had had others with him, encouraging the steps. He was so used to doing everything alone, that at some point in the future he might be able to look back and see how connected and supported he was. But she didn’t expect that today.

“You don’t have to. It will take time to process all that and we can revisit that later.” Leah took a steadying breath. “I think, though, that’s it important for your parents, and by that I mean these people before you, to have an insight into where you are at. About what’s been going on, and what might help going forward.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“I… I can’t…” Roman started.

Mr. Caliano leaned forward. “Roman? Do you remember that day? The day you finally came home for good? You thought we were all gone, and you snuck in? I happened to be home, and you told me about everything. Do you remember what I said?”

”…That I was always welcome. That this was home now. That belonged here, and I’m a Caliano in all that matters.” Roman responded.

Henry nodded, “That’s right. It was true then and it’s true now. You can tell us anything. We will support you, Roman.” Marianne gripped his shoulder. “Whatever it is Roman, we won’t abandon you. It won’t bring shame on you or us or Jay. You are always safe to tell us anything.”

Roman shook his head. “I know, but… I just… I mean, you know what’s going on. Rand told you.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah shook her head. “It’s not the same as heearing it form you. Her version will be from her perspective. This is about *you.”

~Leah Hart, NP

Marianne and Henry waited quietly. They didn’t want to push him to fast. They knew how he would clam up, shut down, become more determined to do everything on his own if they pushed too hard.

“I… I can’t. I can’t keep going without Jay. I just can’t.” Roman wouldn’t look at the screen, or Leah, or really anything in particular.

Marianne just wanted to hug him, but she couldn’t reach him. “You lost a whole part of yourself with him. You two were so close.”

“That’s just it,” Roman cried softly, “There is nothing that I can do without thinking, he should be here.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah let that sentiment fill the space around them for a few moments before she said anything. “Maybe we can bring him here into your life? Find some ways to have his presence be here? Special objects, images. I know his absence is painful and these things won’t restore his life, but perhaps letting him be here with you would be a way to honour the life he lived.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“That’s a good idea. You know, we-” Henry started but he stopped because he could see Roman was just getting more upset. It was legitimately a good idea, but Roman wasn’t ready for that yet. Henry didn’t know how to help him be ready. “We keep one of his favourite toys on display in the living room. Makes it feel like he’s… There.” Henry finished softly.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

As much as Leah wanted Roman to be able to connect with his family again, this conversation also provided her with some important information. Some things she already knew and others were tiny puzzle pieces added to her perception of the whole situation. “Roman, do you know what survivor’s guilt is?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman shook his head. He didn’t know what that was. Henry did, all too well. He’d seen it destroy too many good officers. He looked at Leah, allowing her to explain it to Roman.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She turned to fully face Alden. “It’s when a traumatic event happens where people are harmed or killed, and those that survive or have less injuries or struggles than the other, feel guilt over it. And it’s not just the emotion of guilt either. Deep down we can unconsciously dread punishment for surviving. And so we can not only have to deal with the psychological and physical trauma of the event itself, but it creates this feedback cycle where we experience mental stress and physical symptoms that then tell us we’re not worthy to have survived. ‘Look, see? I can’t even function properly. I shouldn’t have survived easier’. Keep in mind that this isn’t always a conscious thought, but sometimes, as I, and Henry and Marianne, have heard form you that you you shouldn’t have survived. Jay should have. The guilt we feel in these instances is a way of atoning, of trying to make it right, balance the score as it were.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Well, there is a score to be settled, is there not?” Roman insisted tearfully. He looked awful. He was ashamed of it - it was no state for him to be seen in at all.

Marianne shook her head sadly. “No, Roman… You are just as important as he was.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Hart didn’t address his mother’s comment and instead kept her focus on Alden. “What would make everything right? We can’t bring Jay back from the dead. We can’t change what has already happened,” she said softly.

~Leah Hart, NP

“If there were a way, I’d do it in a flash. I’d trade anything.” Roman replied. The Calianos looked horrified, and Roman suddenly seemed incredibly guilty. “I’m sorry.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

But Leah didn’t react. After all, this was not news to her. “The other piece to survivor’s guilt is that is often accompanied by Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Which you were diagnosed with and treatment did not progress too far before circumstances shifted. And now we are seeing the fallout of this. Can you, just for a moment, reach into your scientific logic for a moment and consider that maybe how you feel about your life versus Jay’s is a symptoms of a condition that has gone untreated, or untreated very well so far?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman began to shake his head. He’d asked, begged Randy not to put that in his file. Apparently, Rand’s brother hadn’t listened (rightfully so, but Roman wasn’t in a logical state of mind). “I don’t know why that would be in there.”

“Yes you do,” Leah said simply.

Roman’s scowl deepened but he didn’t say anything else.

“Roman…” Henry tried. “These things aren’t shameful. No one in the fleet would judge you for that. Certainly no one who would see that diagnosis.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“What would Jay say if he were able to chime in on this conversation?” It sounded like Jay was able to give Roman perspective and she wondered if that ability had stayed with him.”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman laughed a sad and hollow laugh. “He’d never guess this would happen.” He said. “He’d say the same things as Mr Caliano. Except with all the sass a man can muster.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“Would you believe him?” Leah asked. “Would you believe it if Jay said what’s happening with you is an understandable thing to experience under all the circumstances?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Heh, no, but he’d repeat it until you’d think he was verbally beating me with it.” Roman replied, voice as hollow as his earlier laugh.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah glanced briefly at the Calianos before focusing on her patient again. “What you’re dealing with Roman is treatable. We can’t bring Jay back and it’s always going to hurt. The best we can do as being going through a mortal life is learn to live with the pain because that’s the tradeoff for loving someone. There is always the risk of pain. We can only hope that they while they were in our life they brought something wonderful for us to remember and cherish. From everything I’ve heard, Jay did that for you. I can’t make Jay being gone okay, but I can help you find a way to carry on. If you let me.”

~Leah Hart, NP