Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Leah Hart (Nurse Practitioner/Counseling) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation
Posted by… suppressed (27) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

“I’d be a poor replacement for what they lost. They don’t deserve that.” Roman was known for being quite confident and self assured. To hear him be… So self critical and hateful, would be a shock to anyone that knew him.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She removed her hand and sat more upright watching him for a moment. “Well, let’s call them and ask, shall we?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman sat straight up himself and shook his head. “No, no! They can’t see me like this! Not here, not… No!”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Sitting there on the floor with him, Leah gazed at him with curiosity. “Like what? A person who is in pain and needs his family?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“On a psych hold? Looking like this?” Roman said as if it should be obvious. “Don’t make me suffer such indignities. It would only be cruel.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She tilted her head and gazed at him intently. “If you had gone through a surgery for an injury or illness and were recovering in a medical facility, would you welcome visitors?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Ehm…” Roman smiled awkwardly, a little sheepishly, remembering his recovery after he’d been electrocuted. “It… depends?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Hart nodded. “It’s not unusual for physical ailments to be treated differently than mental health. Which is unfortunate, but reality. For some, anything affecting the mind is seen as meaning we’re weak, that there is something wrong with us fundamentally. But the reality is that part of being a sentient being living in this universe is that we experience different things and not all of them will be pleasant, or leave us better off. The way I’m looking at even this eval with you right now is much the same way would we would look at a physical ailment with a cause we can’t identify yet. We can pick out the symptoms and see how they are affecting you, but getting that full picture takes time.”

“I have had many patients who had to remain in care awhile. And one of the best boosters to mental health is having social contact with those that uplift you. That might not be Jay’s parents, but given how your current situation is related, I do think they could help. Does it have to be right now, no. But I would like you to consider us calling them soon. What that looks like exactly we can discuss, but this is one of those courageous steps I think you know deep down you need to take.”

~Leah Hart, NP

Ugh, more blah-blah about how courageous all this was. It wasn’t, not to Roman, not for himself. “We’ll discuss it.” He relented, not wanting to say yes.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She simply nodded. It was good enough for now. “I want to circle back to this idea that Jay deserves to be here more than you do. What do you think Jay himself would say to that?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman chuckled, but it was a sad sound. He looked like he was trying not to break back down into sobs. “He’d say I’m being ridiculous.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“What else would he say to you about this situation?” Leah asked, her tone gentle once again.

~Leah Hart, NP

“Why does that matter? He’s not here, is he?” Roman replied, getting upset once again. “I think you already know anyway.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“Humour me by articulating it for yourself,” she said, gesturing for him to go on.

~Leah Hart, NP

“No, I don’t want to. I can’t.” Roman was starting to cry harder again, and like before, trying to hide it. “Is this necessary? To.. to pass this assessment?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She took a long and deep breath, bringing herself to stillness. To calm. “If I could sit here with you and not trigger anything painful Roman, I would. But the nature of the struggle you are facing, of the depression, of the PTSD, of your suicidal state, tells me that the root of the path forward is in the pain. We avoid pain. It’s completely expected and it’s normal for many sentient species to avoid that which hurts them. Avoiding your pain won’t get you where you want to be. It won’t keep you on the Sentinel and it certainly won’t keep you in Starfleet. To be quite honest, the amount of work before you is extensive. There is no test to pass. We agreed that we would work together to find a path forward, and ideally that is one that keeps you here where you want to be. And I want that for you too. So no, it’s not necessary. You can choose to give up, you can choose the simpler, less painful road, but we both know it’s a predetermined path. If I let you walk out of here and go about the ship as if nothing has changed for you, I would be not only doing you a disservice but also legally culpable for putting you and this crew in harm’s way. I won’t do that,” she said firmly.

She had an idea how they might be able to proceed from here, but she needed to wait for him to process what she had told him and see where they stood.

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman was quiet for a while as he processed her words. He wanted to deny those things, the depression and the PTSD, but it was the same things Randy had said. Instead he said, “I understand you can’t do that, but I am not a threat to the crew. I would never, could never, let anything happen to them.” Then he sighed a long breath that ended in more tears, “He wasn’t like me. Wasn’t…” he gestures vaguely at himself and the room. “Would never have found himself here. Never.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“It’s very easy to idealize someone we love, especially after we’ve lost them. We can easily forget their faults, and I think in this case when we factor in the clear guilt you have, it’s easy to see how Jay can become an almost mythical person. But the reality is often different. Most people don’t know what sort of circumstances will lead to mental health struggles. No one can predict how they will handle trauma. No one, not even me with all my training and experience. Each person and each situation is different. So maybe if your roles had been reversed, Jay might not have experienced the same struggles as you, but you cannot know what struggles he could have had just going through life.” Leah paused there and took in a deep breath. “Do you not think that Jay would have been just as upset as you had your situation been reversed?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Of course he would.” Roman replied, “but he was… different.” He sighed frustratedly, “You didn’t know him, you wouldn’t understand.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“Then help me to understand. Tell me about Jay and how he was different,” Leah said, her gaze fixed on him.

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman gave another long, frustrated sigh. It seemed too complicated a topic, too difficult to describe. Let alone the emotional difficulty Roman had with talking about him. He wiped his face like a child on his shirt. Embarrassing, but the presence of tears and, honestly, snot, were starting to bother him. “He was… happier, I suppose. Everybody liked him. Everybody, everywhere he went.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She nodded, completely unfazed by his emotional swings. As far as Leah was concerned, this was all perfectly natural. “Some people just have that natural charisma and ease in social situations. How did that translate into how he was with you?”

~Leah Hart, NP

For him, it was ridiculous, childish, and embarrassing. He should be able to control himself better than that. He chuckled, but it sounded sad more than anything. “He dragged me into things I wouldn’t have done myself.” Roman wouldn’t know how to say it, or perhaps wouldn’t really know it at all, that Jay didn’t just make him do things he might not normally do but acted as a sort of buffer to his seriousness. Jay’s goofy, upbeat nature broke up Roman’s serious dreariness. Without him, that childish goofiness that added humor and, well life, to his life, was gone. There was no one to stop him dwelling on things. Rand tried, but it wasn’t the same.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“Can you give me an example? What is one moment that stands out to you?” Leah said, smiling a little with curiosity. This was more than just her trying to get Roman to share, this was about understanding a person who was very important to the man before her. The more she understood this dynamic, the more she felt she could help Roman move forward.

~Leah Hart, NP

“He, uhm,” Roman chuckled awkwardly, “He called a girl on my behalf, while we were on leave one time.” He sighed and set his hands in his lap, fiddling with the edge of his shirt. “He was the one who talked me into martial arts. Oh, and then there was the Jester Dance, at Academy…” He shook his head and then he started to cry again.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She gave space for his feelings even if he was clearly still uncomfortable with them. “Why do you think he did these things? What was his motivation?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“I’d ask him,” snapped Roman, “But that’s not going to happen, is it?” He gave her an irate look, “I’m no mind reader. Honestly, he probably didn’t know. Just thought it sounded fun or something.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She wasn’t fazed by his reaction and sat there calmly. In truth, her rear was starting to go numb but when she was in the middle of something this intense, she compartmentalized until there was a good time to change things up. Now was not that time. “You don’t think it was because he cared about. That he loved you as a brother and so that’s why he put energy into helping you break out of your shell?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“I don’t think it was so deep, no,” Roman replied, shaking his head. “Doesn’t mean he didn’t think all those things,” he didn’t seem comfortable actually saying it, “Just the things he did weren’t that deep. Why is this relevant?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

There was only so much she could ask of him when they had been at this for awhile. She knew they would need to take a break but she wasn’t done with the assessment. So either she’d come back and they’d finish it this evening or she had to push through. Right now she was assessing the best path forward based on his responses. “I’m trying to understand your dynamic with him, to understand how you saw him and he saw you, even if this information will be biased through your viewpoint.”

“But why?” Roman asked, almost as if mystified. He didn’t understand mental health at all.

“Because Jay seems to be at the root of your struggle, of your despair. You said it yourself: he should be here instead of you. And you believe your life has no value. Until we dig into this further, you’re not going to magically feel better, Roman. You won’t magically wake up and feel okay about your life.”

Leah sat back a little, her posture more upright. “It’s been a long session. How about a break? I saw we take an hour, maybe two. Have some rest, a nap maybe, something to eat and drink and then I will come back and we’ll continue. But there is one big step I want to take and we can do so right here, and in a way that will make you less uncomfortable. We’re going to call Jay’s parents if I can get ahold of them. I won’t tell them anything about your health situation, because that is confidential. All I will do is say that I am reaching out on your behalf to see if they want to talk to you. If so, you will be dressed in off-duty clothes and you can finally have that talk with them.”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman huffed, a long, somewhat harsh sigh. “I see I can’t dissuade you from this.” He said. “As long as you don’t tell them I suppose you may call them. As for a break, if you need one, you are free to take one. I, for one, just want this over with so I may be released.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“And then what?” Leah said simply, her intent gazed fixed on him.”What do you assume will happen when we’re done here today?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“I’ve got to keep thinking you’re going to let me go - on the Sentinel. Maybe- maybe not today,” though that was what he wanted. “But… but soon.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah drew in a slow breath and steadied herself. “If I release you, will you take your own life?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman chuckled awkwardly. “That’s a loaded question, isn’t it? Of course I would say no, whether I intended to or not.” He sighed and shrugged, resting his hands in his lap. He was still sitting on the floor. He certainly looked like a psych patient, he thought. “That said, I… I don’t know. I don’t want to right now, but on a night like when I wrote that note?” He shrugged.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She nodded. “Tell me about the night you wrote the note: what happened, what were you feeling and thinking? Basically, what led to the note being written in the first place?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman sighed a long sigh. “I wanted it to stop, the weight, the… emotional pain, I suppose? All of it. It had nothing to do with Rand or the Sentinel or anything now and everything to do with… certain events in my past. The note was… Well, I suppose preparing, but more just… wanting? Without a concrete when or where?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She nodded slowly. “These things have a way of coming back and hitting us in ways we can’t always anticipate.” Leah blew out a breath. “Look, I know you just want to get through this as fast as possible, but part of my evaluation is figuring out what happens after you leave here. We’re making progress, Roman. It might not feel that way, but we are. And we’ve been at this awhile. Under normal circumstances I would never keep going for so long. But we’re both a bit tired and could use some food. Let’s take an hour break. You can have something to eat, have a shower, freshen yourself up. Feel free to take a quick nap, read, play your violin, hang out with Pipkin, whatever feels good for you right now. I’ll be back and we’ll go from there.”

Leah pushed herself to her feet, and stretched, feeling her circulation. She wasn’t giving him the choice of a break because it wasn’t just about him in this moment. She needed to be okay to continue too. “I’ll be back soon.”

She slipped out of the quarters and maintained a stoic face as she moved to Sickbay to both give an update to Kreed and see if she could contact Jay’s parents.

~Leah Hart, NP