Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Leah Hart (Nurse Practitioner/Counseling) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Leah Hart (Nurse Practitioner/Counseling) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation
Posted by… suppressed (22) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Leah took calming breaths and let his words fill the room. “And I can see how strong you have been to have carried this for so long. It take great courage to keep going. I know it’s painful. I do know what I am asking of you and I don’t ask lightly. But I think it is eating away at you. Maybe not as quickly, as you alluded to, but holding it in is doing you harm. Otherwise you would not have written that note. I am not going to say that I understand your experiences, but I want to. And I do know what it is like to lose someone who meant a great deal with you and helped shape who you are. I want to celebrate this person who was so special to you. I don’t know Jay, but if he was so important to you that it is this painful to talk about him, then I suspect he was pretty amazing, and someone I want to learn all about. I’d like to know him through your eyes, Roman.”

~Leah Hart, NP

(OOC: Retconned, as discussed)

Roman began to cry softly, shaking his head again. “Please, stop. Please.” Tears dropped down his face. This was embarrassing to him and he turned away. Bright red hair and freckles, a smiling face. A goof ball that brought fun and spontaniety to an otherwise serious, quiet, and somewhat withdrawn Roman. That face, blank and empty on that horrible day… Roman’s crying turned to hard sobs. Why did it have to be him? He deserved to be here so much more than Roman did. So much more.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah took a chance, listened to her instincts, and reached out, gently resting a hand on his arm. “Stop what? Stop wanting you to not be in so much pain that you can’t bear to exist in this universe anymore? I can’t do that.” It wasn’t what he was saying, but she knew that. “See, without knowing the details of Jay’s life, I already know some important things about him. And it makes me wonder what he would say to you right now if he could. But I don’t know that. You do. You know it deep inside, even if you don’t want to face it. But you were courageous enough to make it this far, and you are beyond brave to let yourself feel anything right now. You need to stay here in this moment, as hard as it is. Be even more courageous, Roman- if not for yourself, than for Jay.”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman continued to sob hard, until his eyes were puffy, his face was wet, and he had a slight headache. He sniffed and huffed and breathed until he pulled himself together enough to say, “He should be here to tell you himself, not me.” Then his sobs continued.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Keeping her hand on his arm, Leah let him cry without judgement, without any expression other than care and understanding. She wanted him to see that his emotions were perfectly acceptable in this space with her. Maybe he couldn’t show them outside this room, but that was okay too. What he needed was a release valve, a way to process them.

When there was a moment she could tell things were shifting for him, she nodded. “I wish he was too and it is sad and hard that he is not. All we can do is acknowledge that his absence is hard while also allowing the life he did live to be remembered. He matters to you Roman. Not in the past tense, but right now. And that is allowed. That is beautiful. I can tell how much you loved him. I bet he knew it too, even if you couldn’t tell him so. Sometimes we just know these things about our loved ones, especially if they are the ones we chose to have in our life. But is that true? Did you love him?”

~Leah Hart, NP

That only made him cry harder. He curled into a ball nestled on the floor, head tucked in toward his chest. “We were brothers. Close brothers.” Came his muffled, shaky, cry-y voice.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah shifted her position so she could rest her hand on his shoulder. She was careful not to do more than that but she wanted him to know that what he was feeling was met with compassion and care. “What a beautiful gift to have given each other. That you chose to give. I am sure he loved you too. And that makes his absence so difficult all on its own.’

“What did you love most about him?” she asked softly.

~Leah Hart, NP

He kept crying, embarrassed, but also lost in an ocean of grief. Drowning in it. He felt her hand there, but it was like a small handkerchief on a terrible wound. The intent was there, but it did little to actually help. Roman shook his head gently. “I… I can’t. I can’t.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She rubbed his shoulder in a small circle. “It can feel so overwhelming for us when we’ve gone so long keeping everything inside. Sometimes even just our thoughts are enough to make us feel like we’re breaking. But when we hold hols so much pain and grief inside we leave no room for anything else. So we need to let out some of the pain and grief, so there is room for other things. Love. Happy memories. So many other wonderful things in life, Roman.”

“How did you know without a doubt that Jay was your brother?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“His family took me in after I was disowned by my own.” Roman answered, the single sentence answer difficult to get out through his tears, his voice still muffled by his curled up position.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“And they became the family you no longer had,” Leah said, still rubbing her hand in a slow circle. “And it doesn’t change how we feel about our family or origin, but a chosen family can help us find a way forward that we might have had otherwise. Do you consider his parents your chosen parents, and I’m curious, do you still speak with them?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman looked up at her with tear-filled eyes full of guilt. It was an awkward topic for Roman, because he simply didn’t know how to voice his feelings about Jay’s parents. That he loved them more than his own family, but that he felt undeserving of all they’d done for him in some way. But it was his guilt over Jay’s death that had prevented him from speaking to them ever since it happened. He shook his head slightly. They wrote, but he never wrote back.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She nodded slowly, gazing at him with compassion. “If they called, would you talk to them? Face-to-face, or I suppose screen-to-screen? Sometimes it can change the way we communicate.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“I would, but it would be terribly awkward. Haven’t been back since then either.” He said, voice still soft and cracking with sorrow.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Hart nodded again. “Awkward is okay, actually. I would sort of expect it.” She drew in a measured breath. “I just can’t help but wonder what it’s like for them. They lost one son, but I wonder if they feel like they actually lost two sons. It has to be devastating for everyone.”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman shook his head and actually hit the floor with his palm - an incredibly uncommon sight, Roman never did things like that. “Some excuse for a second son,” he said bitterly.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

True to her process, Leah didn’t flinch at his action. She left her hand on his shoulder but she had stopped rubbing when he had answered her last question. “How so?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“I… I-” Roman began, but his voice was cut off once again by his sobs and he shook his head. But the thought was in his mind. I couldn’t save him.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She resumed rubbing his shoulder. If nothing else, Alden was likely to be so exhausted he would definitely sleep. There was only so much emotional processing a person could do and she didn’t like pushing a person, but in this case it truly was a matter of life and death. “I know it’s hard,” she said softly. “But you have let this claim your life, Roman. You do believe in a future, otherwise you wouldn’t be engaged to be married. But this piece of your past is slowly claiming your future. You can claim your life back, but you need to speak the words that feel unbearable to say. You need to take back the power they hold over you. Why don’t you think you were a good son?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“Claim my life back? How? How could I? Don’t you understand? I shouldn’t be here! He should! He deserves to be here. I just want… I want to…” And then he broke down into sobs once again.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She let his words hover over the room, the reality of his pain sat there exposed. For a good couple minutes, Leah said nothing until she finally took a measured breath. “Why does he deserve to be alive more than you?”

~Leah Hart, NP

“He was a better officer than me. A better person than me. He had… had people waiting for him. I never did!” Roman didn’t usually let any of these things out but he’d been pushed so far past he was just fully breaking down.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“He loved you. His parents loved you. Do you really think those two beings who took you in when you were forced to start over truly would value Jay’s life over yours? If you were brothers as you say? Don’t you think they would yearn to have at least one son in their lives, rather than have lost both?” Her tone was caring, the volume of her voice soft, but she spoke the words clearly, hoping they would cut through.

~Leah Hart, NP

“I’d be a poor replacement for what they lost. They don’t deserve that.” Roman was known for being quite confident and self assured. To hear him be… So self critical and hateful, would be a shock to anyone that knew him.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She removed her hand and sat more upright watching him for a moment. “Well, let’s call them and ask, shall we?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman sat straight up himself and shook his head. “No, no! They can’t see me like this! Not here, not… No!”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO