Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Leah Hart (Nurse Practitioner/Counseling) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Leah Hart (Nurse Practitioner/Counseling) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation
Posted by… suppressed (10) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

“What emotions were okay to show?” Leah asked. Again, she suspected she knew what the answer might be, but she wanted his words and his perspective. She was also prepared to be wrong entirely.

~Leah Hart, NP

“None of them,” Roman replied, “at least not… strongly. That wasn’t just me, though, that’s how things are in their… particular social circle. Imagine living in Victorian England, but with replicators and padds.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She nodded. If his answer was different than she expected, she didn’t let on at all. “What emotions did you want to be able to show but felt you couldn’t?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman looked at her like it was a strange question and shrugged. “It was so many years ago now, what can that possibly matter?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“Humour me,” she said. “Assume it does matter and that I’m not asking for no reason.”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman, to his credit, did try, he honestly thought about it, but then shook his head and shrugged. “I don’t know.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She wasn’t going to press unless there was something to be gained from doing so, and here Leah understood that she needed to switch to something else. “I was sharing about a somewhat funny incident, though no one can say broken bones are much fun, at least we had the benefit of modern medicine.” She smirked before resuming a softer gaze. “Can you think of one positive memory from before you went to the Academy. I’d love to hear it.”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman chuckled lightly. “No, they are not fun.” He shook his head slightly, “Many of those in that elitist social circle I spoke of… Do not ‘believe’ in new age medicine. Bone fusers and regenerators and the like. We healed our bones the old fashioned way, with a cast or brace.” He shrugged in response to her question. Now, of course there were good parts to his childhood but they almost all involved the one person he still refused to talk about.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“You’re avoiding my question. Why?” Leah asked, maintaining her position but she fixed her gaze on him intently.

~Leah Hart, NP

“Because,” said Roman very carefully, his smile fading back in into that somber look he’d had since Leah had come aboard, “There are… thing that I…” He paused again as he considered what to say and how, while still cooperating. “don’t like to talk about that make my pre-academy days difficult to speak of.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She made a mental note of his momentary lightness and filed it away with her other observations. “I know,” she said softly. “But the problem is that if we don’t talk about the difficult moments- the moments that have you stuck in a state of pain Roman- it will continue to eat away at you. But the problem is that when we have an entire subject that is painful to talk about it and we refuse, we deny all parts of it. The bad and the good. We deny ourselves the wonderful things that we can hold on to, that might actually make the pain lessen and go away. We deny ourselves healing. Acceptance. While there are some rare exceptions, most of the time no one person or situation is ever entirely good or bad. Everything is nuanced. So are our memories. But our brains like rigid definitions. Categories. So we label something as bad and cast the all the related memories away. I’m asking you about positive memories because we both know you do have them. Until you let those back in your life, all there will be is pain. Let go of the pain, Roman, one memory at a time. Which is why we need to talk about your growing up with Jay.”

~Leah Hart, NP

She had his full attention, a look of hurt on his face. “It’s not…” He started, but he didn’t know how to finish what he was saying. “If I didn’t… Lock it all away, it would have eaten me away long ago.” He was trying hard not to get emotional, but his voice cracked and choked against his will. “There is too much pain that comes with those memories… Too much.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah took calming breaths and let his words fill the room. “And I can see how strong you have been to have carried this for so long. It take great courage to keep going. I know it’s painful. I do know what I am asking of you and I don’t ask lightly. But I think it is eating away at you. Maybe not as quickly, as you alluded to, but holding it in is doing you harm. Otherwise you would not have written that note. I am not going to say that I understand your experiences, but I want to. And I do know what it is like to lose someone who meant a great deal with you and helped shape who you are. I want to celebrate this person who was so special to you. I don’t know Jay, but if he was so important to you that it is this painful to talk about him, then I suspect he was pretty amazing, and someone I want to learn all about. I’d like to know him through your eyes, Roman.”

~Leah Hart, NP

(OOC: Retconned, as discussed)

Roman began to cry softly, shaking his head again. “Please, stop. Please.” Tears dropped down his face. This was embarrassing to him and he turned away. Bright red hair and freckles, a smiling face. A goof ball that brought fun and spontaniety to an otherwise serious, quiet, and somewhat withdrawn Roman. That face, blank and empty on that horrible day… Roman’s crying turned to hard sobs. Why did it have to be him? He deserved to be here so much more than Roman did. So much more.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah took a chance, listened to her instincts, and reached out, gently resting a hand on his arm. “Stop what? Stop wanting you to not be in so much pain that you can’t bear to exist in this universe anymore? I can’t do that.” It wasn’t what he was saying, but she knew that. “See, without knowing the details of Jay’s life, I already know some important things about him. And it makes me wonder what he would say to you right now if he could. But I don’t know that. You do. You know it deep inside, even if you don’t want to face it. But you were courageous enough to make it this far, and you are beyond brave to let yourself feel anything right now. You need to stay here in this moment, as hard as it is. Be even more courageous, Roman- if not for yourself, than for Jay.”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman continued to sob hard, until his eyes were puffy, his face was wet, and he had a slight headache. He sniffed and huffed and breathed until he pulled himself together enough to say, “He should be here to tell you himself, not me.” Then his sobs continued.

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO