Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Leah Hart (Nurse Practitioner/Counseling) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Leah Hart (Nurse Practitioner/Counseling) in Temp Quarters- Assessing the Situation
Posted by… suppressed (11) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

She nodded. “Yes, I would agree. I know it seems like a pointless detail, but you’re going to have to humour me. You know what came to mind when you first were drafting that letter. I’m not interested in a list of possibilities. I want to know what you were inclined to do when you first decided that ending your life was the best way forward.”

~Leah Hart, NP

He shifted uncomfortably. “I… I wanted to make it look like an accident. You know, venemous animals… Things happen.” He shrugged awkwardly. He looked like he wanted to sink into the bed and vanish. “But then I… Could I do that without saying goodbye? I… I was toying with what would be easier… For her. When I wrote it.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Whether he knew it or not in this moment, Roman had just taken a huge step. The cards were on the table, as it were. “When you think of her finding that note, what thoughts of feelings come up?”

~Leah Hart, NP

There was a long silent moment of hesitation. “Guilt, mostly. She’d blame herself, even though she is blameless.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

Leah nodded and took a deep breath. There was a point in a situation like this where a shift was possible, or at least the reckoning was there, waiting. They were walking a tight rope towards it, balancing each step, allowing themselves to waver and catch their balance. Did he know she would do everything she could to make sure he didn’t fall? Maybe there wasn’t trust yet, but it did feel like they had the beginnings of a rapport and that was more than they had had when they first spoke.

As he spoke these tiny truths, Hart continued to hold that safe space for him, but one that also would not let him hide from her or himself either.

“It’s inevitable that the pain is perpetuated. There’s no where else for it to go. We can remove it from ourselves, but like all things in the universe, it doesn’t cease to exist. And sometimes, the ones we love hold onto that pain as if they might be able to feel connected to us still.” She could have continued and asked another question, but for the moment Leah just let her observation filter out into the room.

~Leah Hart, NP

“That’s why I considered making it look accidental,” said Roman, like it was the most logical thing in the world. “Then it wouldn’t have anything to do with all that. Just another tragedy in an admittedly dangerous line of work.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“Hmmm,” she said. “And yet you wrote a letter. And now she knows and that is something the two of you will have to work through.” It wasn’t a question, it was reality.

Roman sighed and shrugged. “I… I never meant for her to see it.” Nor would I be here if she hadn’t. The thought entered his mind with an air of bitterness.

Leah mde a note on her PADD and then looked up at him. “What’s changed since the moment you hid the letter in the desk and now.” She quirked her brows upwards. “And don’t give me some snarky comment about you being in this room. What’s changed for you, in your thoughts, your feelings, if anything?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman gave her a look of mock hurt. “I would never! Make a comment about being locked in a boring old room by myself at a time like this? Why in the universe would I ever do that?” He asked, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Then he turned more serious and shrugged. “I don’t know. Nothing?”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She considered the myriad of ways this could go next and as she had been doing this entire time, she not only leaned on her experience but also her intuition. “You still feel like your life is not worth living?”

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman glanced up and gave her a look. “That was never it.” He said. “This has nothing to do with the worth of my life, it has to do with what I can live with.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She leaned forward ever so slightly. “Say more,” Leah said, genuinely interested in what he had to say.

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman shook his head ever so slightly, gaze fixed on the floor. “I can’t.” He closed his eyes and shook his head again, voice shaky. “I can’t.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

“Why not?” she asked softly. It wasn’t the first time he had asserted he couldn’t talk about it. He could but he was choosing not to and Leah needed to understand what was behind it, even if it was only a hint. She also knew that she would have to shift into Phase 2 very soon, but much depended on how he answered.

~Leah Hart, NP

Roman took a short, shaky breath, shaking his head again. Because it hurt too much, because it reminded him of things he couldn’t think about without breaking down in tears, but he wasn’t able to verbalize that. So instead he said, fighting to keep his voice something resembling even, “I just can’t.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO

She watched him struggle and Leah well knew what that felt like, even if their experiences of it were vastly different. She inhaled deeply and radiated the genuine compassion she felt for this man. “You are so strong,” Hart said with conviction.

“You have to be in order to carry something that heavy, that overwhelming, for however long you have carried it. And it’s hard to be that strong. Harder still to feel like we can set that burden down for a moment. It can make everything feel so precarious, like everything will fall apart if we do.”

~Leah Hart, NP

“I’m not, though. ‘Cause I can’t keep doing it.” Roman replied. “That’s why. Why the note. Why all of it.” He looked up at her, not quite meeting her gaze. “There’s nothing to be put aside. Nothing can change things.”

~ Cmdr Alden, XO/CSO