Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Fear and Grief

Posted by Lieutenant Kreed (Chief Medical Officer) in Fear and Grief

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in Fear and Grief
Posted by… suppressed (22) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
It was one of his lab notebooks, definitely. But it was open to a page with what looked like a letter - or rather, multiple drafts of a letter. Each one started out similarly, with a few differences:

Miranda,

I love you so much I cannot bear to make you care for me any longer. You’ll be sad, but ultimately better off without me. There were a couple like that, with various wordings, down the page with a space between each draft. Then the next section:

It’s nothing to do with you, but I can’t keep going like this forever. I’m sorry to write you this way but if I were to tell you beforehand, you would have attempted to stop me.

The letter went on in such ways, with several different drafts with different wordings for each section. Finally, it ended with the same drafts of:

I’m sorry to leave you this way. It is no fault of yours, rather my own shortcomings.

Love you always. There were a few alternate closings to the same effect. It overall took up a few pages of the notebook. There were small wrinkled spots on some of the pages… tears.

~ Roman

Rand felt cold and couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t see much either through the tears. She had the absurd thought that she wasn’t the only accomplished actor. She knew he was sad, that he was depressed, but this…she never suspected this. She knew what she was supposed to do. That was abundantly clear. She wished Randy was here. He and Roman had finally created a rapport. He wasn’t and there was only one person she could tell. She didn’t know how to help him herself.

She closed her eyes briefly. He’d done this for her, she could do no less now. She wouldn’t do less. He would never forgive her, but as long as he was okay in the end that was all that mattered. She found her boots, slipped them on, grabbed Pipkin and put her in her cage. She went into the bathroom, twisted her hair quickly into a bun and splashed her face. She couldn’t breathe, but no one could know that. They would go find Roman, tell them she was sick. She tucked the notebook into her PaDD and slung it over her shoulder by the strap. She tried to breathe deeply and put a smile on her face. She was just a yeoman going about her duties. People were used to seeing her run from place to place. Now just to make it to sickbay without anyone from sciences seeing her.

She walked into sickbay and approached the nurse. “I need to see Lt. Kreed immediately.” He said she could talk to him, and she was going to do so. She bit the inside of her cheek to help keep her breath steady. She knew with his enhanced vision Kreed would know she was distressed, but for now, as far as the nurse knew, she was simply the CO’s yeoman with duties that needed to be completed.

Yeoman Rand

The nurse nodded and said “Just a second, Yeoman.” and she pressed a button. “Doctor, Yeoman Rand to see you.” “Send her in.” the CMO’s voice said. “He’s in his office.” she said and nodded towards the door.

“Thank you,” she hurried past the nurse and towards Kreed’s office. She stepped through when the door opened and let it close behind her.

The door slid open and Kreed was seated at his desk. His reptilian face looked up from a notebook as she entered and he said “Yeoman Rand, what can-” and he stopped short and said “What’s wrong?” as the door slid closed.

Kreed, CMO

Rand tried to take a breath but it was unsteady, and her hands shook as she took a notebook out of the compartment of her large bulky PaDD. She set it down in front of him, open to the drafted letters. “Help him.” Her voice was pleading, but it was all she could get out and keep her breath steady and not absolutely break down in sobs. It was difficult anyway, but added to the heightened anxiety from the meds it was impossible. Her eyes teared up again, but otherwise she forced herself to stand quietly.

Yeoman Rand

Kreed read the letters and then looked at Rand. “You did the right thing in coming to me. He is a very troubled individual… but we will do what we can to help him. But right now, Lieutenant… he is a risk to this ship.” Kreed reached over and pressed a button. [O] Chief Medical Officer to Captain Asam. Report to Sickbay immediately. [C] He then pressed another button and said [O] Medical to Security. Find Commander Alden and bring him to Sickbay immediately. [O] He looked at Rand and then added [O] We have a situation and need his expertise. [C] He vlosed the comms and said “Please… sit. And I am sure your anxiety is in heights you haven’t dealt with in some time. If you need it, we can give you a mild sedative. It won’t impact your cognitive abilities, but it will help ease any discomfort.”

Kreed, CMO

[O]On my way, Lt.[C] Came Asam’s crisp voice.

“I know…” It was duty to report anything that was a risk (that was everyone’s duty). She knew Roman would never risk the ship or crew, but he wasn’t okay, and wasn’t thinking clearly. Her heart rate spiked when he called security. What else could he do though? Roman would never come willingly. Kreed’s ‘explanation’ allowed her a slight relief. She sat, but only because he told her to. A sedative sounded ideal, but she shook her head. She couldn’t worry about herself right now.

Yeoman Rand

Rende entered sickbay, “Where is Lt Kreed?”

“His office, Captain,” the nurse at the desk replied. With a nod Rende moved to the door and knocked.

She entered and noticed her distraught Yeoman. “What’s wrong?” Her voice was filled with compassion. Rand looked like someone had died.

Adam, CO

Kreed simply slid the letters to Asam and said “I have contacted Security and directed them to escort the Commander here immediately. I am marking him as Unfit For Duty and remanding him to Medical custody immediately. I am formally requesting you restrict all access granted him as of right now. He is compromised, and he cannot be allowed to access critical systems Captain.”

Kreed, CMO

Rende listened and then read the letters. When she finished, she handed them back and nodded agreement. She sat down in another chair and took Rand’s hand. “It’s going to be alright. Everyone struggles from time to time. We’ll help him.”

Asam, CO

It was awful to have the captain see her so upset, so unprofessional. The woman was only compassionate though. She had been quiet during Kreed and Asam’s brief exchange. He had protocols too, but she finally worked up the nerve to speak. She looked at Kreed, her words coming slowly through near hyperventilation. “Please don’t … keep him … here … make it … worse … The Ar Ar Ardent,” she was shuttering but she kept going. “He he’s pho … pho bic. Why he s s skipped his phy physical.” She took a breath, “Stupid. He won’t … ask … help. Parents,” he would never forgive her, “a … abusive.” She was crying and couldn’t stop. Her chest hurt; she felt horrible, but that had to wait.

Yeoman Rand

Kreed nodded. “I understand.” he said.

Rende listened with patience and then squeezed the young woman’s hand. Things made sense now. Poor children.

Another couple of moments, and Roman was escorted into Sickbay by two Security officers, looking confused and concerned. “What situation? What’s wrong?” Asked the commander with a frown, looking to the nurse at the desk.

~ Roman

The Nurse, having seen the order Kreed set, said “Yes, Commander. One moment.” and buzzed Kreed’s office. In the office, Kreed glanced at the computer terminal and then looked at the Captain. “Please escort the Yeoman out and and to the right. Take her to the nearest biobed and draw the curtain. That will prevent the Commander from seeing her. Then ease return here.” He looked at Rand. “Now is not the time for you two to have an exchange, but I promise you will be allowed to speak to him soon.” and he stood up and walked out of the office towards the front of Sickbay.

“Of course,” Rende stood and drew Rand up with her. She put an arm around the younger woman’s shoulders and led her out and toward a bed.

Rand didn’t protest. She wanted to see him, but she wanted to avoid the confrontation she knew would come. She was surprised by the motherly concern the captain was showing for her. Rand went to the biobed as Kreed had ordered her to do, but she just wanted to leave, go back to her quarters and be alone. She wished Randy were here, he’d know what to do.

Rand

“It will be alright Rand. Remember that. It will be rough for awhile, but it will be alright.” She found a blanket it and set it over the girl and then drew the curtain.

Kreed approached the desk and stood in front of the Commander. “Commander. If you will please come to my office, I will explain.” He looked at the Security officers and said “Please wait here. Nurse Marx will brief you on the situation.” He nodded once at the nurse and then led Rowan to his office, taking care to avoid the biobed Rand was in.

When the two individuals also were inside the office, Kreed surreptitiously locked the door. “Please, Commander. Be seated. I will not keep you in Sickbay long as I k ow you have issues with being here.”

Rende returned, but the door was locked. She went to the nurse at the desk and asked her to quietly let Lt Kreed know that she had returned. Then she went and waited quietly by the door.

Asam, CO

Kreed looked at Alden and said “Commander, I will be blunt. I have relieved you of duty and remanded you to Medical custody.” As he spoke, he dropped a hand into his lap and readied a hypo with a strong sedative, just in case. He didn’t expect the Commander to become violent… but all things were possible. “Your trauma has left you in a state that makes you a risk to the ship and crew. I have conferred with the Captain, and she agrees. You are herby removed from all access to ship systems and duties. You will be assigned individual quarters and restricted to them. The only other options are the brig or here. You are placed under Suicide Watch, and will not be allowed any visitors without supervision. Once we can get you proper psychological and psychiatric assistance, a determination will be made as to your fitness and we will proceed from there. This is being done to protect you, Commander… Not punish you. Now… what questions do you have?”

Kreed, CMO

A great big pit of dread opened in his stomach, getting bigger with each of the lieutenant’s words. “What… Why?! I’ve been following your plan! I saw your psychologist! My next appointment with her is in two days, once she’s settled here!” He remained seated, he really wasn’t a violent man at all, but he was displaying quite obvious symptoms of the anxiety he refused to admit he had. Nearly hyperventilating, heart rate increasing, gripping the chairs arm rests. “What about Rand? She… She can visit, can’t she? Why can’t I remain in my own quarters, with her?” He looked up at Kreed, shaking his head. “It certainly feels like punishment. I don’t need nor want protection.”

~ Roman

“And the fact that you cannot or will not see that is a key issue… and one of the reasons you are at risk.” Kreed said calmly. “I appreciate the first steps you have taken… I do. But sometimes there are warning signs that things have progressed to a point that those steps are not enough to maintain our current state. This is one of those times. I do not wish to embarrass you, Commander. Nor do I wish for anything transpiring right now to be common knowledge with the crew so it doesn’t effect your ability to command if and when you are allowed to return to your position.” He fixed Alden with a stare. “I am sorry… but there is simply no other option available to us.” He pressed the door button to unlock the office and allow the Captain to enter.

Kreed, CMO

Rende stepped inside and sat down. She looked at Alden, he was clearly having trouble with the decision. “Cmdr Alden, Roman. I know this is not the path you would choose to take. I want to make it very clear, what is said in this room stays here. More importantly I want you to know I don’t believe this is a career ender. It is okay to struggle and to need help. I know you know that because you’ve been there for crew and supported them as a whole and individually. They have nothing but good things to say about you. They trust you as a leader. You’ve taken care of them, but now we are going to take care of you.”

Asam, CO

Of course he told the Captain. What a mess. If the point wasn’t to embarrass him, task failed. “What… What changed? What signs changed your mind? How is taking my work, taking everything away from me helping me?” He looked between them, borderline frantically, but trying to look calm.

~ Roman

“Because you use your work to hide from your problems.” Kreed said. “And what changed my mind is irrelevant right now. I have shared my concerns with the Captain, and I have already done what is necessary administratively. I will do my utmost to ensure that you get the help you need, Roman. And I will not mince words with you… I will always be honest. Right now, as you are, you are a risk to all of us on this ship and yourself. And if it is within my power to help you, I am going to. But in order to do that, you can’t be where you are… second-in-command of this vessel. When Ms. Hart arrives, you will work with her. She and I will then decide if you can get the help you need here… or if you will be transferred to a facility more suited to giving you the assistance you need.” He took a breathe and then leaned slightly towards Roman. “I will not give you false hope. If you do not get better… if you do not do what is needed to care for yourself and deal with your problems… your career absolutely will be over. But we are not at that point… yet. But it is rapidly approaching. And you are the only one who can change the course before you. This is your last opportunity. There will be no other chances. How your life progresses from this moment on is wholly up to you.”

Kreed, CMO

Roman, now calming enough to think more clearly, frowned. “Suicide watch? What on Earth gave you that idea? What impression have I given? Is that what all this is about?” He scoffed. “Absurd. Utterly and completely absurd.” He sighed then, “I want to stay here, if I have any say in such matters. I called Hart, several days ago.” It hadn’t been that helpful of a call so he hadn’t tried it again. “Where is Rand? Can I call her? She deserves to know about this.”

~ Roman

Kreed thought for a long moment and then sighed and said “Fine. Here.” He reached into the drawer and pulled out the letters. “This is what has you here. And Rand already knows. These letters scared her so much she came to me.”

Kreed, CMO

A spear of ice stabbed through him. That… That was his lab notebook. The one he’d… Oh, but he’d had to put it away so hastily last time… Rand must have seen it. It hadn’t been meant for her eyes. And then she… There was a flash of betrayal in his eyes. Betrayal and hurt. But he understood why she did it.... He sighed heavily and slouched in defeat. Something completely unheard of from him. “I… I see.”

~ Roman

Seeing the look in his eye and the defeat she now understood why Rand had sounded so conflicted. Rende was quiet for a moment. “When we are in command, it is hard to say that we don’t know the answer, we don’t know what decision is best, which path will lead forward and which will lead to disaster. It seems an insurmountable to say that we need help, when everyone is used to looking to us for guidance and strength.” Rende met his eyes, “That is why I have you and the senior staff, and you have me and them as well. And you have Rand. Out there,” she gestured to the other side of the door, “you may be unable to accept help, but in here you can.”

Asam, CO

“In here you must.” Kreed said firmly. “We want you… need you… to step into this next phase of your life.” He was silent a moment and then said “You can do this.”

Kreed, CMO

Roman didn’t feel he had much of a choice. He did not think ‘help’ would, well, help. But he didn’t want to leave the ship, so he had to at least pretend. He didn’t meet the Captain’s gaze. She was wrong. It wasn’t just the crew he could not admit it to, it was the captain herself he was hiding it from. Kreed had succeeded in gaining a small amount of his trust, at least.

He glanced at Kreed and then the floor, embarrassed and uncomfortable as he spoke, “I… meant what I wrote. Those drafts… They’re from just before Rand’s duty was restricted. I… Err… I…” He couldn’t make himself say anymore. His voice failed him. He studied the floor intently, still in his slouched, completely defeated posture. “I just don’t want to leave the ship. This is my ship. My crew. I can’t… just leave.” Not to mention how he felt about a psych or medical facility.

~ Roman

Rende could tell he wasn’t comfortable with her. They hadn’t had a lot of time to create a friendship. She could also tell how much loyalty he had to the crew. She glanced at Kreed. He was who Roman spoke to, directed his comments. This was a private medical matter, and she made Alden uneasy. She didn’t want to suggest leaving and Alden feel she was abandoning him. She didn’t want to stay and make him more uncomfortable either.

Asam, CO