Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in Fear and Grief

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Fear and Grief

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in Fear and Grief
Posted by… suppressed (67) by the Post Ghost! 👻
After his chat with Doctor Kreed, Roman exited Sickbay in his usual rush to get away from there. He checked the lab for Rand, and when he didn’t see her, headed to their quarters, thinking he might find her there. He entered the quarters and sat on the bed.

~ Roman

Rand had left her appointment and after not finding Roman in the lab she went back to their quarters. Roman wasn’t there either, but he was probably working. She sat down at the computer and did what work she could remotely, which wasn’t much. She had hours to sulk before she could do anything useful. She was stuck in these quarters again all because she had a panic attack. She tried to be angry at Scott for telling on her, but she couldn’t. Amelia was being a good friend.

She changed out of her uniform and curled up on the bed. She hadn’t even let Pipkin out. How was she supposed to stay in Star Fleet if she was sent to her room like a naughty child?

She was still in bed when Roman finally got back.

Rand

Roman saw her curled up on the bed and set a hand over her. He was upset, she would be able to tell if she weren’t so upset herself. “It’s only a few days. You’ll be back on full duty in no time.”

~ Roman

Rand sighed, “Yeah.” He didn’t sound good. “What’s wrong?” She sat up. She could pout later. Right now the only useful thing she could do was be there for him. She wouldn’t be able to do that for much longer anyway. She couldn’t serve like this. She rolled over and sat up.

Rand

Roman looked at her and hugged her. “I’m fine.” That was clearly a lie. His eyes were puffy like he’d been crying, though Kreed’s wash cloth trick took care of the redness from crying. “You’ll see. It’ll be a few days and then you’ll be even better than before.”

~ Roman

Rand hugged him back, but knew he was lying. She couldn’t make him tell her. He was probably mad because he had snapped at Kreed because he had been forced to take her to sickbay. She would have gone by herself. He didn’t have to leave the lab for her. He was probably mad about that too. “Thank you for checking on me, but I made it here just fine. I know you have to get back to the lab.”

Rand

He hugged her tighter. “I don’t want to.” He had to, not quite yet, but he did have a few more things that needed doing. Right now though he just wanted to be either alone or with her. He rested his head on her shoulder and sighed.

~ Roman

He didn’t want to? That wasn’t Roman. He loved his work and would rather be among the crew than babysitting her. He said nothing was wrong, but he never put his head on her shoulder like that unless something was. She hugged him and sat with him awhile. Finally, “Do you want me to make you some tea?”

Rand

Roman nodded against her. When he pulled away from her so she could get up, his eyes were moist again like he was going to start crying. He was trying really hard not to, though. He knew she was upset about being put on restricted duty. “Kreed isn’t angry over what I said, by the way. I don’t want you to worry about that.” He had been, but they’d talked it out and Rand didn’t need to know that right now.

~ Roman

Another lie. She stood up and moved over to the counter. Rand didn’t always know what was expected or read people well. Especially when she was already anxious, but the tone of Kreed’s voice was unmistakable. Or maybe she didn’t understand, and it was her worry because Kreed had made him leave. “Okay.” She focused on making his tea. Her movement precise and economical. She busied herself cleaning the already clean counter while waiting for the water to heat.

Rand

“We’ve worked it out, anyway,” he admitted distractedly as he waited for the tea. He shrugged. “I don’t think he’ll hold it against me.”

~ Roman

She nodded, keeping her gaze on what she was doing. “That wasn’t like you. You shouldn’t have come, I upset you.”

Rand

“No, you didn’t. The doctor did, by making me leave.” Roman looked at her, “I won’t have you thinking that. Okay? I want to be there for you.” Maybe it wasn’t like him. Then again, he wasn’t much like him lately.

~ Roman

She had though. If he wasn’t worried about her, then he wouldn’t have been upset by Kreed. She hadn’t wanted him to go. She didn’t understand why Kreed made him leave. None of the other doctors did that. “I know, but it doesn’t looks like Lt Kreed is going to allow it. So you won’t have to anymore.” She set the tea into his cup and gently poured the boiling water over it.

Rand

“It wasn’t about my being there. Rand, I’m not going to make you go there alone.” He sighed, “Unless you want to, I mean.” He leaned back against the bed pillows. “Why did Elbbirt have to go and retire?”

~ Roman

“Because he earned it, and wanted to spend time with his wife, kids, and grandkids while he still could. I’m happy for him.” Rand added honey and cream to his tea and brought it over to him.

Rand

“Well, me too, it’s just…” He sighed and shook his head. He took the tea and began to sip at it. “You think I can reschedule the rest of the day for tomorrow?”

~ Roman

Rand shrugged. “I guess.” He was in charge of his own schedule. She sat at the computer instead of the bed and pulled up the schedule. “You have a meeting with your lab heads this afternoon, for your conference call with Star Fleet Science command in the morning.”

Rand

“I can’t reschedule that. I’m to report our current status and most recent findings in the morning.” Roman sighed. “Alright, never mind.” He really, really didn’t seem to want to go at all.

~ Roman

“And you have quarterly meetings with security and engineering after that tomorrow, and the ship chess tournament after your shift.” Rand nodded, “It’s okay. You don’t have to babysit me. I won’t wander off anymore.”

Rand

Roman glanced at her. “Miranda, I’m not babysitting you. You don’t need babysat. You’re a capable officer. One of the best we’ve got. Working from our quarters or no.”

~ Roman

Rand laughed, “You say that because I help with your paperwork.” Roman hated paperwork, everyone knew it. He did it, but he grumbled the whole time. “I set up the conference room earlier. So it’s ready.”

Rand

Roman shook his head, “I say that because you’re the best yeoman in the fleet.” He nodded, “Good, thank you.” He sipped some more of his tea with a sigh. He’d never not wanted to work this much.

~ Roman

“You’re biased,” Rand grinned softly. “I’ll make sure it’s ready for your call tomorrow after your meeting today.” It then occurred to her she was going to miss seeing Nibbles too. The poor mouse wouldn’t know what to do. Rand didn’t either.

Rand

Roman figured she would still be allowed to work with nibbles, she liked doing that. He nodded without saying anything else. He finished off his tea and set the cup down. “I guess I should go back.”

~ Roman

“Okay.” Rand turned the console off, “You… I can compile your notes after if you want.”

Rand

He nodded. “If you have time, it would help.” Then he headed for the door.

After he left, Rand took a shower and curled up in the bed. She almost didn’t set an alarm for herself. Feeling it wouldn’t matter much if she got up or not. But she did because her duty was important to her and she was supposed to do the work. It took her very little time to compile all the random notes from Roman and the lab heads into a concise report. She’d been doing it long enough she understood their shorthand and ramblings. The report was returned to him before his shift was over. Rand downloaded the report to a data disk and then went and prepped the conference room again for his call. She probably wasn’t supposed to be out there, but no one used the conference room randomly except for her. Everything else was scheduled.

The rest of his shift felt like it went very slowly. The departmental meeting felt intolerably boring, which was unusual for him. But everything was prepared for the next day. When his shift ended, he headed directly back to their quarters.

~ Roman

Rand didn’t return to their room, instead she went to the yeoman’s quarters between the CO and XO quarters. It was still technically assigned to her. It felt very empty without Randy there. She missed him, and wished he had stayed. She would never tell her brother that. He had an amazing opportunity for his career and she was glad he took it. She spread PaDDs and reports out on the extra bed and the table and sat down to work on the end of day reports. She took much longer than she normally did to do the reports, without being late with them. Then she sat on the single bed and waited, expecting to receive corrections, updates, requests, or whatnot from the captain about them.

Rand

When he didn’t see her in heir quarters, he curled up on the bed, under the covers. He figured she still had work to do, perhaps she was in her yeoman’s office. The space was small but allowed her to focus on her work. He cried under the covers, hard, still upset by his earlier conversation with Kreed.

~ Roman

Rand didn’t return for a long time. When she came back, she saw Roman in bed. She turned off the lights thinking he was asleep. She crawled into bed and curled on her side.

Rand

She must have thought he was asleep because without a word she turned off the lights and curled up on the bed. Roman stayed still, sniffing softly, and sighed. He rolled over and cuddled in with her, his tears making a little wet spot on her shirt.

~ Roman

Rand rolled over to face him, suppressing the sigh that wanted out. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong now?”

Rand

Roman sighed heavily into her and took a deeper shaky breath. “Doctor Kreed… He… His ship… Uhm-” he was cut off by his own crying and then he went on without fully explaining, “and he insisted on telling me about it, and…” By then he was crying full force again and clinging onto Rand.

~ Roman

Rand understood then. Kreed had forced the issue, but instead of making Roman talk, Kreed had forced him to listen. That would explain how Roman felt. Now he knew what was in Kreed’s file. It wasn’t like Roman to not have already a new officer’s file though. So that was another unlike him thing. Roman and Kreed shared a similar trauma. That wouldn’t help Roman to point that out. So she just hugged him. There was nothing else she could do.

Rand

Roman knew it was similar. That had been the problem. It had been so similar it had set him off to hear about it. It was too much for him the way he was now. He hugged her, pressing his face into her, trying to stop crying. “He wants me to trust him and I… I can’t do that.”

~ Roman

“Why not?” Rand asked. Did she like what Kreed had decided for her? No, but did she trust him to make what he thought was the best decision and keep her health a priority? Yes. He had offered to let her talk to him, she was too shy to do so. She didn’t talk to anyone but Randy and Roman. There were times recently though she hadn’t talked to them either. It was just too hard. “Trust comes slowly, but why aren’t you willing to try? It seems he would understand, maybe.”

Rand

“Maybe he would.” Roman shrugged. “Maybe he wouldn’t. He risked himself for his crew. I was merely there by chance.” He kept hanging onto her, cuddled against her. His voice was shaky and cry-y. “I just didn’t want to bother you with this ”

~ Roman

In other words, he didn’t trust her either. After everything they had been through. That hurt more than being remanded to her quarters. Nothing Roman could say would convince her otherwise, not with her anxiety in overdrive. “You aren’t a bother to me, Roman. I’m sorry I can’t help you.”

Rand

Roman hugged her tightly. “Yes, you can. You are by being here.” He rested his head against her. “You’re the only reason I’m here. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

~ Roman

That was such a heavy weight that she couldn’t live up to. To be his reason for being there. It wasn’t fair for him to put all that on her. Then again, maybe she had been doing the same to him. “You won’t find out.” He needed help, but he wouldn’t take it. She knew why. ROMAN knew why, and he knew it was wrong, but he wouldn’t do anything about it. She hugged him tightly and closed her eyes in the dark. It had been a horrible day, and she was just so tired. She was having a silent panic attack. She could feel it inside, but it didn’t show on the outside. She just wanted to escape into unconsciousness for awhile.

Rand

Roman tucked in against her, settling in. Eventually, he was asleep there, lying next to her.

~ Roman

Rand was awake a long time in the quiet and darkness. Her chest hurt and she felt lightheaded and so very tired. Her mind simply wouldn’t slow down so she could sleep. Eventually she did, and she slept very late for her. There was no reason to get up early when there was nothing to do.

Rand

Roman woke her when he got up. “Rand? Don’t you have duty today?” He asked as he shook her. Then he went about getting ready, throwing a shirt and pants on.

~ Roman

Rand made a soft affirmative sound. What did it matter though? It was all coming to the computer anyway. There was no reason to get up and rush. She didn’t even have to bother getting dressed. She made herself get up and walk over to the counter. She started making tea while he got ready. She felt no better this morning than she had when she finally fell asleep.

With their movement and the lights, Pipkin started kicking the cage and scrabbling at the door. She wanted out and wanted attention.

Rand

Roman got ready slowly and then emerged from the bathroom. He gave Rand a concerned look, “Aren’t you getting dressed?” He asked as he opened the door to Pipkin’s cage.

~ Roman

Rand almost shrugged, but that was behavior unbecoming an officer. “I am. I’m staying here, so I don’t have to rush.” Truthfully her chest still hurt and moving quickly made her feel out of breath even though she really wasn’t. She handed him his tea and then grabbed her clothes and went into the bathroom. She came out a few minutes later in her uniform, sans boots, and padded over to the counter to make her own tea.

Rand

He took a sip of the tea and then set it down long enough to hug her when she came out of the bathroom. “I’m just worried about you. You don’t seem yourself.”

~ Roman

Rand rested her head against his chest a moment and then slipped her arms around him. “I’m not. Lt Kreed said I would be fine in a week.” She shrugged. She wouldn’t lie to him. “You aren’t yourself either.”

Rand

Roman rested his head against her and a moment passed silently. Then he shook his head sadly. “No, I’m not.”

~ Roman

Arms tightened around him as Rand held into him. She was quiet for a very ling time. “This is still my favorite place.” She sighed, and it was a very stressed sound. “What do we do?” They couldn’t continue on this way. They both knew it, but at the moment it felt insurmountable to her. Trying to find a way to move forward, was making her anxious and panicky.

Rand

“I don’t know.” Roman sighed softly. “I wish I did.” He looked down at her with a sad look. “I’m sorry.” He said, unsure what exactly he was apologizing for.

~ Roman

She looked up at him very quickly. Uncertainty hidden deeply. She had never heard him apologize for nothing. That was what she did. “Wh… why?” Because he didn’t know? She shouldn’t have asked him. She was putting pressure on him that he didn’t deserve. “I… You… you aren’t responsible. Don… don’t worry about me. You have to focus on you, okay?”

Rand

And suddenly he did know why. Because he was supposed to be her steady rock, her support, her fearless commander. And he wasn’t that anymore. What was his worth if he couldn’t even be that anymore? The fearless commander, the one everyone looked up to and depended on. What was he if not that? He rested his head against her and shrugged. “I love you. I just want to be able to help you.”

~ Roman

“I love you, too.” She turned her face into his neck. “You do help me. You always put me first and take care of me. It’s been so much on you after we both got hurt and my memory was messed up and… and everything.” Rand had been so depressed and scared. She looked up at him. “I’m better, right. And I know you’ll be here if I’m not. It’s okay to take care of yourself now.”

Rand

Roman closed his eyes and rested his head against her. He was quiet for a little bit, and then, “You’ll be there, right?”

~ Roman

“An-còmhnaidh, a ghràidh.” Rand looked up at him, giving him one of those shy but loving looks. Her hand slid over his shoulder to rest against the back of his neck. She stretched up to kiss him for a long slow moment. “Is tu mo chruinne-cè, Ròmanach.”

Rand

Roman hugged her tightly, bending down a little for her as he kissed back. He pulled her into him and smiled, just a little. “Agus is leamsa thu,” he replied in his English accented gaelic.

~ Roman

Rand loved the sound of her native language in his posh English accent. It was obvious his words reassured her. “Nì sinn a-mach e, còmhla.” She hugged him tighter, then moved back slightly. “I don’t want to make you late.”

Rand

“You don’t be late either,” he said, heading for the door. He looked at her again, and then headed out the door for the lab.

~ Roman

“I won’t.” She watched him leave, and then Rand flopped onto the bed. Pipkin took advantage and hopped onto the bed and then onto her stomach and looked at her with the most reproachful eyes. Until Rand pet her anyway. “How am I going to be late, huh, Pipkin? I’m not allowed to leave the room. I get to work from the desk again. Well, at least you get to roam around all day, huh? I’ll set up your maze and puzzle mat. You like those.”

The hours dragged by for Rand. She had to return reports, wait for corrections and then reprocess them. When she could have just run around the ship and gotten the corrections and clarifications herself. It was faster and easier for everyone. She wasn’t allowed around people though. Even with the extra time, she was done on time, and sent the reports on to Cpt Asam. There were a lot of things she could be doing, but they had been assigned elsewhere. Rand liked her work, she liked to be busy, she was also efficient. She tried to fill her time with playing with Pipkin or writing Randy (but what could she say?), but it took very little of her time. And sitting around doing nothing was just making her more anxious.

Rand

The day went quickly for Roman. And not well, not at all. His meeting with Starfleet Science Command went poorly (They weren’t impressed with Sentinel’s current progress, which had been slowed for numerous delays and various unrelated missions), and then he spent the rest of the day running around all day taking care of various things. When he returned to their quarters, after his shift was over, he was out of breath and exhausted as he entered and checked to see if Rand was there (she wasn’t confined to their quarters after all, she was just supposed to avoid situations that made her anxious).

~ Roman

Rand was in their quarters. She was in uniform, but still without boots, and her hair was actually down rather than braided and pinned up. She wasn’t confined, but she wasn’t allowed to be around people because they made her anxious. The only way to ensure that was to stay in their quarters. She was sitting at the desk working on the few reports that had come in already. She smiled at him. “Hi.”

Rand

He stopped by her and hugged her. “Hey.” Then he sat down on the bed with a huff. He bent down and pet Pipkin as the little rabbit came up and sniffed him. “How was your day?”

~ Roman

Rand shrugged. “Boring. I’m getting behind, but there isn’t anything I can do about it.” And lonely. The day had been very lonely, but she didn’t say so. “How was yours?”

Rand

“Busy,” he sighed, throwing himself back on the bed. “Busy and long and tiring.” He’d pushed himself hard enough to feel the symptoms of his heart issues, but not so far he’d need his hypo or medical attention. “Was Pipkin behaved with you here all day?”

~ Roman

“She’s always good. I left her out all day, she seemed to be happy about it. She wanted a lot of attention, so I set up her maze. It kept her busy.” Not that she really had tried to bother Rand before that. Rand could let her sit on her lap while she worked, but she had felt bad about ignoring Pipkin the day before. “Why don’t you take a shower? It will help you relax.”

Rand

Roman nodded. Then he sighed heavily and shrugged. “I suppose.” He said. He lay there another minute before getting up and heading into the bathroom.

Rand worked on her reports while he took a shower. It was quieter working here than the lab. That was good, she guessed.

Fifteen minutes later he came out, wrapped in a towel, and sat back on the bed. “Have you eaten yet?” He wasn’t hungry, but he wasn’t going to let Rand go hungry either.

~ Roman

Rand shook her head. “I’m not allowed to be around people. I ate some of the snacks we have in here this morning.” She was hungry, but she wasn’t going to ask Gorshin or Roman to bring her a tray. “Are you hungry? You should be. I bet you skipped all your meals today.”

Rand

Roman shrugged sheepishly. “I’m not.” He said, shaking his head. “I was too busy today to eat.” He looked at her and smiled, “Gorshin or I or anyone really would be happy to bring you something.” Even Kovan would do it if Rand asked him to, Roman would guess.

~ Roman

“People are already covering half my duties. They don’t need to wait on me too.” Rand shrugged. It was different when her foot was broken and she couldn’t walk, or with the amnesia and she got lost. This was just… nothing. They would come, expecting her to be sick and she would be perfectly fine. It would start rumors that she was getting special treatment because of Roman.

Rand

“Then at least let me get you something,” Roman said. “You can’t live on snacks in the cupboards.” He stood and started to head to the door. “I’ll be right back.”

~ Roman