Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Side-Sim: The Man Cave (Tag Roman)

Posted by Ensign Kovan ch’Sirhc (Engineering & Communications Officer) in Side-Sim: The Man Cave (Tag Roman)

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Side-Sim: The Man Cave (Tag Roman)
Posted by… suppressed (5) by the Post Ghost! 👻
<snip>
“Oh right,” Kovan said over-loud for the small space they occupied, “Because you’re so famous for not doing that. I’ll be sure to follow your illustrious example.” He nudged the commander with the heel of his foot. The man may be laying down with his eyes closed but he wasn’t nearly as relaxed as he wanted to be. “Of course you are. Walking around with your winning smile and puttering around the labs like usual.”

Kovan

A slight grin appeared on Roman’s face. “Do as I say, not as I do, ensign.” He peeked an eye open and glanced at Kovan. “When have I ever been known to ‘walk around with a winning smile’, hm?”

~ Roman

“Right, right, because that makes sense. Must look great on your performance reviews,” Kovan smirked down at Roman, “How about every time Rand walks into a room? Or when you’re walking beside her. Or thinking about her.”

Kovan

Roman blushed lightly and grinned. He didn’t care though. Questions successfully deflected. “That’s different. You get a date, perhaps you’ll understand it.” He sighed softly and kept trying to relax. “Don’t you have something better to do than harass me? Like draw on that PaDD?”

~ Roman

“Don’t give me that crap. I’ve done the whole ‘in love’ thing before and I’m not going to make that mistake again.” He had too many kids running around already. Besides, love is a lie and required too much trust and vulnerability to make work. “Drawing isn’t as entertaining as harassing you. We’re talking about you not me.” Kovan studied Roman for a long moment. People like them didn’t talk about their issues, only kept them contained and suppressed until they erupted. “Ever consider picking up new hobbies?”

Kovan

“You didn’t find the right person,” Roman said. “You’re talking about me.” He shrugged, “I have hobbies.” Martial arts, violin, and his animals. His martial arts he still did, his violin he didn’t practice as much as he used to. His animals were, besides Rand, all he cared about.

~ Roman

“Oh don’t give me that crap. I met plenty of people,” And they all deserved better than him. Kovan squeezed the PaDD between his fingers. The device full of unsent letters to the first and last woman he could ever claim to truly love. The only one of his past lovers who kept up with him after all these years (time and light) apart. They didn’t love each other like that anymore, but neither could they let go. “I mean a hobby you can-” Kovan waved a hand at his art, “Vent into. Put all those feelings so they don’t rot inside you.” Maybe music could work for that but Kovan found the best emotional results came when there was something tangible left at the end. A solid sign that the things building up within had been purged.

Kovan

Roman made a face. “I do martial arts.” He said, obviously quite uncomfortable. “I don’t need to ‘vent feelings’.” He sat up and leaned against the wall with another sigh.

~ Roman

Roman was getting agitated. Good. That meant Kovan was on the money. “Sure you don’t. You can’t work through complicated thoughts by punching. Sure it makes you feel good in the moment but then something happens like when someone writes tabloid junk about you and Rand.”

Kovan

Roman shook his head. “People have been writing tabloid junk about my family since before I knew Rand.” His fist clenched slightly before he forced it to relax. “I just don’t want her back in sickbay.”

~ Roman

A fist clench, always a good sign. Kovan pried more, “And if something does happen to Rand again, what, you’re going to punch your dummy until you feel better? How long do you think that trick will work? Until your hands fall off?”

Kovan

Until he collapsed of heart issues, more like. Roman pushed that thought out of his head. “It always works. Always has. Besides, nothing will happen to Rand. I won’t let it. And neither will Randy.”

~ Roman

First of all, Kovan too was on that list. Secondly, the XO must be in denial if he thinks he could keep a hawk-eyed watch over Rand 24/7. This was Starfleet, accidents happened every week and that’s without crazy stalkers and assassins with personal vendettas. “With your heart issues? You’ll tire yourself out and then when Rand is really in danger your heart will explode on you because you were too stubborn to take care of yourself. Something will happen and you’re an idiot if you can’t accept that learn how to figure your own crap out.”

Kovan

Roman glanced at Kovan with what could only be described as a slight glare. He did not appreciate reminders of his medical issues. “I’ll be fine. I was fully cleared remember?” Roman said, voice tight. That was mostly true, he was fully cleared, but he had a rescue hypo because of the remaining possibility of a problem. “That won’t happen. Besides, you’re one to talk.”

~ Roman

“Fully cleared for regular duty. Not throwing yourself at a training dummy until you collapse. Last I checked Starfleet doesn’t make you run marathons every day or fist fight Gorn after every lunch.” Kovan laughed, “You want to talk about me? I handle my bullcrap.” He held up the PaDD with one hand and motioned at the art around them with the other, “I put my feelings into my art and then I move on. I don’t hold onto junk the way you do.”

Kovan

“I don’t ‘hold onto junk’.” Roman said, shaking his head. “And I’m not going to collapse because of my martial arts training.” Roman was being stubborn. “I’m glad art is a meaningful way to manage yourself.” He commented, laying back on the floor, intent to relax. “I’m not sure what you’re meaning to imply I ‘hang onto’.”

~ Roman

“You absolutely can, don’t lie to me.” Kovan said, being equally stubborn, “I doubt you want me to be so blunt but too damn bad because I am going to anyways. You’re scared to death of something happening to Rand and being helpless to stop it. Punching a goddamn mannequin ain’t going to fix that so don’t tell me you’re handling your problems when you’re crawling around in the tubes in the vain hope you can run away from having to deal with it.”

Kovan

“Who wouldn’t be scared of that?” Roman asked, glancing at Kovan. “Especially out here.” He closed his eyes again and shrugged. “I wasn’t trying to run away from that. I was.... oh, never mind.”

~ Roman

“But I do mind. I mind a lot. So tell me, or I start bugging Rand instead,” Kovan nudged Roman with his foot. He wouldn’t really bother Rand like that. He’ll check in on her, make sure she’s doing all right but she seems more emotionally intelligent than her lover boy here.

Kovan

“Why? What has it got to do with you?” Roman said, a little irritably. He hated talking about this stuff. It was embarrassing to him. He would admit, Kovan was… some kind of friend. If Roman didn’t consider him as such, he’d have shut him out completely.

~ Roman

Kovan rolled his shoulders. Roman and Rand were sort of like friends to him. However crazy it was to think it. Him. . . with friends. People he could maybe even trust. Kovan hated trusting others but if it ever came down it it he knew that he could trust the commander and Rand. “You’re the commander. Who else are you going to talk to? Who else would you be willing to? It’s not like I’m going to go talking to anyone else about this.” Kovan didn’t have that kind of relationship with anyone else on this ship.

Kovan

Roman shrugged. There was no one he talked to about these things except Rand. And even she had trouble getting him to talk about things. “No, you won’t, but you’re not exactly the touchy feely type yourself. What exactly are you going to do or say if I tell you why I’m hiding in Jeffries tubes?”

~ Roman

The commander had him there. Kovan hated feelings with a passion. Especially his own complex and muddled web of feelings. But that just made him good at recognizing that same complexity in others, “You speak until it’s all off your chest. I’ll listen. . . and then leave it at that. You say your thing and then we forget about it.” Like proper men. Say things once and then forget it ever happened. You move on and go about your life.

Kovan

Roman hesitated. “You could think less of me as a command officer.” He commented. It was his deepest fear regarding what was bothering him. “Would you risk that? Just to ‘get something off your chest’?”

~ Roman

“Roman,” Kovan said in a very rare display of using the commander’s first name, “I once had to piss you off to distract you from doctors trying to give you medical treatment. If that didn’t make me think less of you then nothing will so please stop wasting both our times and get talking.” Now, if the commander starts joining cults and getting into gambling debts, maybe then Kovan will start thinking less of him.

Kovan

Roman looked at Kovan at the use of his first name. No one called him that, except Rand. Not that he was offended, it was just odd. He was visibly embarrassed at the reminder of his phaser wound, that Kovan knew he was afraid of sickbay and medical stuff. He’d punched Kovan. He still felt bad about that, too. “I’m… I’ve got a fear of Sickbay. Because my ship was attacked.” His voice was barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry I hit you. There was no excuse.”

He sighed a long sigh, refusing to meet Kovan’s gaze. “Ever since I was hurt, since my heart, I…” this sounded ridiculous. Roman hated this. “It’s like stress affects me differently. My heart races. I can’t breathe. I just keep working through it. What else would I do? I… I can’t tell Rand. I’m supposed to be her steady rock. How can I do that if I’m not steady anymore?”

~ Roman

Kovan stayed silent, giving the commander time to speak his piece about whatever it was that was bothering him. He remembered the assassin’s first attempt on the commander, the shock that messed with the guy’s heart. Seems to be messing with his head more these days. Injuries like that often persisted in different ways despite fixing most of the physical issues. Kovan hesitated before answering. Yeah, he promised silence but if the commander complained then Kovan would play dumb. “You’re not unsteady, you’re getting used to a new normal. Your body is different now and that scares you. It’s your fear that’s making you uncertain.”

Kovan

Roman glanced at Kovan stubbornly. “I thought you weren’t going to say anything. Besides, you’re wrong. I’m not afraid of anything.” That was blatantly untrue. He was afraid of losing Rand, of her getting hurt. He, subtly, but still, gripped something nearby every time the ship shook or shuddered. He was terrified of sickbay. So much so he wouldn’t set foot there unless he had to as XO. But he was stubborn and bullheaded and refused to admit to it. “My body is fine. I don’t know why it reacts that way, I need it to stop doing that. But I’m not scared.”

~ Roman

“Oh shut up, everyone is afraid of something. Don’t sell me that bull. The people who claim to be afraid of nothing are idiots desperately clinging to their own lies and denial. Pull your head out of your ass already.” Kovan had fears. Deep, all consuming fears that he tried to run from. Running did nothing for him in the end except pull him deeper and deeper into self-destruction. Like hell he’d let the commander fall into the same pit.

Kovan

Roman raised a brow at Kovan. “Then tell me what you’re afraid of. You know I won’t tell anyone. Don’t have anyone besides Rand to tell anyway.” He leaned against the wall with a sigh. “Then I’ll tell you.”

~ Roman

Kovan scowled, his hand itched to reach for the PaDD that held every fear, concern, worry and foolish hopes he’d ever had. Spread across poems, art and unsent letters to a woman just as hurt as himself. For several minutes Kovan said nothing, did nothing, stewing in his own thoughts before finally opening his mouth to talk in a quiet voice. “I’m terrified of being forced back into slavery. I’m scared of screw up this job and being thrown out on my ass. Starfleet is my last chance. Without it and its protections I’m a dead man.” If it wasn’t the people he owned tremendous debt to then he’d be dead by his own actions as he spiraled into complete and final self-destruction.

Kovan

Roman thought he’d won as the silence stretched on. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. Then Kovan started talking. Why? Now he had to. Roman popped open his eyes and glanced at Kovan, “If it’s any consolation, I don’t think you will screw this up.”

He sighed and scowled, studying the floor, refusing to look at Kovan. Roman hated talking about his feelings. “Of course I’m afraid I can’t protect Rand. She’s all that matters to me. All I have left.” He huddled against the wall. “That it’ll happen all over again. Sentinel will be destroyed and…” He shuddered and took a shaky breath. “Forget it. This is stupid.”

~ Roman

“That remains to be seen,” Kovan said. Luck wasn’t on his side. Bad things happened to him. Didn’t matter if it was because of his own actions or not, the universe wanted him to suffer and always found a way. “It’s not stupid. What’s stupid is bottling it up and ignoring it and I know that from experience. Problems don’t go away just because you pretend they’re not there.” When he put his feelings to paper or poems it put things into perspective. Seeing his fears and worries looking up at him from lines on a page seemed to make them less personal to him and more tangible. Then they can be thought about in a. . .ugh. . . healthier way. “So keep talking.”

Kovan

Roman shook his head. “I can’t.” He remained huddled against the wall, gripping the nearest solid thing to him tightly. “I can’t.” Memories he had been able to ignore for months, since he went on meds to control his nightmares, flashed through his mind. His breathing quickened. “It always goes away if I ignore it. It always does.” That wasn’t true, but Roman was dense and stubborn when it came to emotional matters.

~ Roman

“It always goes away and then it always comes back. I know how these things go. That’s the thing with running away from your problems, unless you face what’s chasing you, you can never stop.” Kovan looked away to give Roman the illusion of privacy. The man didn’t need Kovan staring at him while spilling his guts.

Kovan

Roman huffed. “I don’t know what exactly you’re expecting me to do. Have a time machine I can borrow? I can’t go back and stop things from happening and I can’t-” he cut himself off. Rand would hate him thinking that way again but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t change it so Jay lived instead. The thought of his friend made his eyes well up, it always did. He fought to keep his voice steady, but he was doing a poor job of it. “There’s nothing to face.”

~ Roman

“You can’t go back and change the past,” Kovan said, “But that doesn’t mean the past can’t affect you in the now. Hell, if I could change the past you wouldn’t be talking with me right now. That said you’re a really terrible liar. If you can’t be a man and talk about these things then you don’t deserve to be with a good woman like Rand. She sure as hell doesn’t need to deal with your issues on top of hers when everything you’re bottling up explodes and you’re too much of a mess to pick up the pieces.”

Kovan

The tears welling in his eyes spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. Embarrassed, he turned towards the wall and put his arm over his face. “I know I don’t.” He said softly, but loud enough for Kovan to hear. “I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her.”

~ Roman

Kovan tensed. Oh no. Not crying. Anything but crying. Crap. He half-leaned forward. To do what he hadn’t a clue but something screamed within him that this was his screw-up. “Hey, um, it’s not really.” Several expletives came to mind, “You know that’s not really true. You and Rand have a better relationship than anything I’ve ever had or seen. You know I got kids running around that I don’t give two grams of space dust about or their mothers.” Isas didn’t count because the boys mom refused to let Kovan slink away from responsibility.

Kovan

“No, it’s true, my leg-” he cut himself off and looked at Kovan with a tearstained face. “How many lovers and children have you abandoned?” He shook his head. “Nevermind, I don’t want to know.” He took a deep breath that failed to stop his tears and wiped his face. “If you ever tell anyone about this I swear I will make your life miserable.”

~ Roman

Kovan winced. He was sure the answer of ‘I’m pretty sure once is bad enough in your book so let’s not get into exact amounts’ was not the right answer at this time. “I won’t, not a single soul. But also you can’t really believe me. I say stuff all the time that I don’t actually mean. To you and Rand and Randy.” He did mean everything he said to everyone else though. The rest of this ship could go shove their heads where the sun don’t shine and go scan for life signs. “Point is that’s not true and you know it. You’re going through a rough spot because you’ve been holding this stuff in. Just keep talking and you’ll feel better.” God, Kovan hoped so.

Kovan

Roman shook his head, “You’re just saying that now.” He sobbed into his elbow. This might be the most embarrassed he had ever been. And he couldn’t exactly go to Rand about it, could he? Would Jay have acted like this? No, he would’ve bounced back. He’d always been better than Roman. The thought made him cry harder.

~ Roman

He needs to do something. Kovan never felt so pathetic or lost as he did watching the commander bawl his eyes out. There has to be something he can say. Something to knock the man out of this downward spiral. Stars, what would Oshremia do? Way back when, after they were rescued from slavery and still dealing with the trauma they endured, sometimes one of them would break down crying like this. Whenever memories or those dark thoughts started to consume him she’d say something outlandish and stupid. That’s it. “You know what’s dumb? Keeping animals as pets. Either kill them and eat them or leave them in nature so they can feed something else. What in the world possesses people to take something out of its natural environment and then waste resources taking care of it? Stupid. People who keep pets have no brains.”

Kovan

Well, that was certainly a stupid thing to say. Roman’s crying slowed a little and he looked up long enough to shoot a glare at Kovan. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot, his face tearstained and his nose red from wiping snot away. “You do know my job is keeping animals and ‘wasting’ resources on them, right?” He said, voice shaky. Then he coughed, from crying so hard, and started a new cycle of sobbing. It wasn’t only his job and pastime, but Jay’s as well. They’d worked together. Kovan had essentially called their job a stupid waste of resources.

~ Roman

Kovan nearly banged his head against the wall in frustration. Nearly. He had to keep trying. “You know what else is dumb? Shore leave? What’s the point? So officers can get wasted and pick up STDs from sexually free aliens? Waste of everyone’s time. Breaks are pointless too. The only time people shouldn’t work is when they’re sleeping or eating. Proficiency goes up and stupid behaviors go down. People who need ‘down time’ are liars because they just want to be lazy. You know what some people do in their free time? They play board games. Board games.”

Kovan

“You need some downtime.” Roman replied with a teary glare. He took a couple of breaths though he did not look like he felt any better. “Rand and I happen to like board games. Besides, you don’t allow crew downtime, they burn out. Quality of work goes down.”

~ Roman

“Downtime is the exact opposite of what I need.” Kovan answered, “I need work because when I’m not working that’s time that could lead to me getting into trouble. And when I get into trouble that’s when my quality of work goes down. But you seriously like those things? You sit at a table with a box of junk and you have to learn a list of rules and that’s supposed to be fun? Moving bits of wood and plastic around? Gambling I could understand because of the rush you get when you win big but board games give you nothing.”

Kovan

“They’re more fun with Rand,” Roman admitted. He wiped his eyes again and sighed. Right then nothing sounded fun. “Work distracts me,” he said with a shrug. “I can fill my head with things I like.”

~ Roman

“Maybe you should sit down and talk with Randy,” Kovan suggested with as much calm gentleness as he could manage. “You got a lot of. . .”He made a circular motion with his hand while his face contorted through several different expressions before settling on, “-unresolved feelings. And you’re like me. You wanna bury those feelings. I tried to drink, gamble and sex my way into oblivion and where did it get me? On a Federation starship. Which for me is terrible. You Federation types have far too many rules and regulations but I can’t really complain when those rules and regulations are keeping me from actually drinking, gambling and sexing my way into death.”

Kovan

“I have talked to Randy,” Roman admitted. “A Starship is better than dead, I suppose. But work isn’t going to kill my liver, pass on diseases, or run me out of money.” He said with a shrug. Well, his work might give him weird diseases but that wasn’t the point.

~ Roman

“And have you told Randy everything you told me?” Kovan gave a flat look, “Whether or no work can kill you isn’t the point. It’s all the same thing. A distraction. And look. . . you’re not weak. You’re not any less of a man for crying. So don’t feel bad.”

Kovan

“Of course it’s a distraction,” Roman said stubbornly. “But since it can’t kill me it’s not as bad as.... other distractions.” He was emotionally an idiot. “I’ve told him plenty.” He said simply. To Kovan’s last comment he shrugged. “I suppose not.”

~ Roman

Unfortunately for Roman, Kovan was an emotional idiot as well. He knew his own crap was bad. That he was one really bad day away from losing it all but the Commander actually had something to live for. A girl he cared for, a career that was promising and he believed the Starfleet bullcrap about final frontiers and discovery. It was like looking in one of those trick mirrors except the person in the reflection mattered. “So you recognize that it’s still self-destructive just not as destructive as other things. Sounds like maybe you need to tell Randy, you know, all the stuff you told me?”

Kovan

Roman was one or two really bad days from something but it wasn’t a dumb decision resulting in his discharge from Starfleet (well, unless you counted ignoring medical orders). It was more likely the decision to allow his most toxic animal to bite him. “Randy knows,” he said vaguely. Randy knew some of it. Not the new stuff.

~ Roman

“Yeah but does he know how bad it is?” Kovan can’t go behind the commander’s back and tell Randy himself. That just wasn’t what you do. Especially when you promised not to but this was some worryingly deep issues and somehow it ended up in his lap. Could he talk to Rand about it? A quick and vague, ‘hey, go talk to your man because he might do something stupid. Also please remind him that you care for him and you’re lucky to have him in your life because maybe he needs to hear that? Anyways don’t let him know I was talking to you. Okay, bye.’ Would that even work?

Kovan

It would probably be smart to let Rand know he was struggling again, Roman wouldn’t do it himself. He was too proud, instilled with his parents’ values. He gave a hefty sigh and shrugged. “It’s not that bad. Randy has been… he’s been trying to help.”

~ Roman

“Good. Glad he’s, uh, helping.” But clearly not enough. Kovan could not keep his word and keep this between them. If the commander went and did something stupid then he gets the guilt if he didn’t say something. Rand it was then. If anyone could get through to the commander then it must be her. Kovan lifted his PaDD, thinking about all the unsent letters he’d written to Oshremia. He sighed and set it down and closed his eyes. There’s been far too much talk of emotions for his liking. Right now he needed at minimum ten minutes of silence.

Kovan

That was fine with Roman. He let out another long sigh and plopped back to the ground without another word. He heard Kovan pick up his PaDD. Maybe he should go. Though Kovan had humored him, he was clearly bothering the man. After a good ten or fifteen minutes, “Perhaps I should return to my duties.”

~ Roman

“If you want,” Kovan answered, “I should probably getting going myself. I’ve slacked off long enough.” His next shift was due to begin soon and he really needed to find Rand sooner than later. “I’ll, uh, head out first.” The tubes were wide but not exactly comfortable for two men of their height and build. Kovan inclined his head towards Roman before rolling onto his knees to begin the long crawl back to the deck halls.

Kovan