Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in When Paparazzi Hide in the Bushes

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in When Paparazzi Hide in the Bushes

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in When Paparazzi Hide in the Bushes
Posted by… suppressed (30) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman rereviewed and accepted the reports. Then he spent some time playing with studying Mushu. He took lunch to his office that day and the rest of his shift was uneventful but long and busy. When he was finally done for the day he went to their quarters to see if Rand was there.

~ Roman

Rand was laying on her stomach, red hair long and loose down her back, knees bent, feet in the air and crossed at the ankles. She had a stylus in her hand but chewing on the end, a PaDD in front of her. The desk was littered with data disks. Pipkin was curled up in the small of her back seemingly asleep. When the door opened, the small rabbit popped up and scampered down the bed to get to him for what she thought was overdue attention.

Rand

Roman stepped in so the door would close and gave Pipkin a little attention. “You working?” He asked Rand as he sat on the edge of the bed next to her, careful of Pipkin.

~ Roman

Rand looked around at him and smiled. “Nope all done for the day. Early! Even done with Asam’s work. I can’t believe it.” She laughed as Pipkin hopped I to his lap, placed her front paws on his chest and stretched her nose up trying to get his attention. “I was trying to write a letter to Mrs. Caliano, but I don’t know what to say.”

Rand

“Early! That’s fantastic.” Roman said. He pet the rabbit as she stretched up trying to get his attention. “Okay, Pipkin, okay, you’re so needy,” he said softly to the bunny in his ‘pet’ voice. Then he looked at Rand. “You are? Oh.” He seemed like he was going to say something else, then decided against it and hastily turned his attention back to Pipkin.

~ Roman

Rand noticed the change and sat up quickly. Had she done something wrong? She forced her hands not to fidget, or Roman would worry about her rather than talking. “Do you not want me to?” She asked slowly. You got a letter, and you answered. That’s what you were supposed to do. “She wrote to both of us, and she asked me specifically. It would be rude not to respond.” It sounded pitiful in her mind, but it was true. She wanted them to like her. “I won’t if it bothers you. I’m … I’m sorry, Roman.”

Rand

Roman immediately picked up on the edge in her voice. He looked at her and shook his head. “No, you’re right… It would be rude.” He smiled, a bit forced, but as reassuringly as he could muster. “You write back. You should.” It was rude of him to have not responded in three years.

It was one of those things that kept getting worse the longer you waited and at this point he just didn’t know what to do. He still couldn’t write back. He could still barely look at a letter of theirs. “There’s nothing to apologize for. I don’t want you to not do it because of me.” He smiled sadly, his voice cracking like he might cry. And only one thing made him cry that easily, and that was Jay.

~ Roman

Pipkin realized something was wrong and she rubbed her nose and head agai st his chest. Rand moved over to sit next to him. She slipped her arm around his waist. “I don’t want to upset you.” She squeezed gently. “They miss you, and I can tell you miss them, too. How long has it been?”

Rand

Roman wrapped an arm around her as tears began silently making their way down his face. With his other hand he gave Pipkin a little more pet. “Not since before…” He looked at her. She’d know what he meant. “W-we had a vacation planned. For December of that year.” The more he spoke the harder it was to keep his voice level. He shook his head as he really started crying, “I never went.”

~ Roman

Rand pulled him toward her as he started crying harder. She rubbed his back and rocked side to side gently. Pipkin hunkered down on his lap and nosed his hand. “Oh Roman,” she whispered. She knew everything about Jay made him sad, but the Calianos would have welcomed him, helped him. She was certain of that. They were still writing to him, and wanted him to visit. The letter said so. They could have comforted each other. Made the burden much less. But Rand thought she understood. Roman was feeling the same guilt she had felt about her grandfather. She sang softly in Gaelic for long moments, just holding him.

“You should write them. I’ll help you. They want to hear from you. They love you.”

Rand

Her singing seemed to calm him some as he rested his head against her shoulder. Her words made him sob harder. Roman wrapped his arms around her and hugged her, his tears soaking into her shirt. He shook his head against her. “I-I… I know they do. But I.. I c-can’t.” Roman didn’t understand why. But he couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t. And it made him feel awful.

~ Roman

Rand took his face in her hands and gently made him look at her. “No one is upset with you, Roman. Certainly not the Calianos. They wouldn’t be writing you if they were.” She wiped his cheeks with her thumbs, then kissed him gently. “You can. It will be very hard, but you can, and I’ll help you. We’ll do it together.” She couldn’t really explain it, but she just knew this would help him heal.

Rand

Roman kissed her back. He was still crying, he couldn’t stop. “I kn-now…” He sobbed, hugging her again. “I can’t because he can’t.” It was an answer that he surprised himself with. He leaned back against her, still crying hard. It probably would help him heal, if she could get him to do it.

~ Roman

Pipkin wedged herself between them as he cried harder. Rand reached down and rubbed her ears to reassure her and then she held Roman tighter. “All the more reason ta write.” Then she started to sing again, quietly, letting him cry. There was so much grief he hadn’t been able to express, and Rand was willing to sit with him through it.

Rand

Roman cried against her for a long time. Grief and guilt both drove his tears. When his crying finally started to slow, he gave Pipkin a little pet and then cuddled closer into Rand, being careful of the bunny. He sighed a long sigh and then was quiet for a while. Finally he looked up at her, “Three years worth of letters and I never have been able to reply to them. They… They must think I hate them.” He said, and that idea upset him again.

~ Roman

Rand feathered her fingers through his hair, “No Ròmanach. If they thought you hated them, they wouldn’t keep writing. They know you are hurting, grieving. They are gently reminding you, you aren’t alone. They are just waiting until you’re ready.” She kissed his cheeks. “I think it’s time. It seems impossible, but it’s not. Just very hard.” She searched his face for a long moment. “You deserve love, Ròmanach, don’t punish yourself anymore by pushing it away.”

Rand

Punish himself. Was that what he was doing? He remembered Rand had once asked why she deserved treatment if he didn’t. And there was an answer, one he’d never been able to tell anyone. He wanted to tell her, he looked like he might but instead he held her gaze for several moments and then began to sob quietly again, leaning his head against her.

~ Roman

Her arms held him tightly and she kissed the top of his head. “Do you remember what you told me?” That could be many things, Roman told her a lot. “You can’t help me if I don’t tell you what’s wrong. Remember?” She kissed the top of his head again and laid her cheek against him. “Do you remember when you first told me about your nightmares? That we would deal with them together? We have. We will deal with this together too, but you have to talk to me, Roman. You have to tell me what’s wrong, or I can’t help.” She paused swallowing her anxiety. Maybe he didn’t want her help, maybe he would rather she leave, leave it alone? Was she doing the right thing? Was she making a mistake? She hugged him tighter. She would deal with her anxiety later.

Rand

Roman nodded, he did remember. He’d told her that a few times, in regards to her anxiety and once, he was pretty sure, in regards to her grandfather. He remembered sitting in their quarters, before it was their quarters, with her, telling her about the nightmares. WE will deal with this together, she’d said. And then again, each time he’d been admitted to sickbay. WE will do this together. I won’t leave you, Roman.

But he knew she would tell him it wasn’t true, and it would break her heart. He didn’t feel he deserved to be told it wasn’t true because to him it was. But maybe… maybe telling her would help in some way, the way she managed to help with everything. He cried for a while against her and then took several shaky breaths, trying to calm himself a little. He couldn’t stop. He felt terrible, he hated crying.

“I… I don’t…” it was hard for him to get the words out, but he was doing it between sobbing, shaky breaths. “I don’t deserve to be here.” He managed at last. “Jay does. He should be here, to write his own parents, to keep our work going, to live like I never could!” And then he started crying hard again, laying against her. “He… He should’ve made it off that ship… instead of m-me.”

~ Roman

Rand hugged him, rubbing his back. “I understand why you feel that way.” She did. She felt that way about her grandfather, about her cardiomyopothy. Why hadn’t she died instead. She didn’t deserve to be there. “He should be able to write his parents, live a long, fully, happy life. Finish the work he loved so much, and have a family.” She kissed the top of his head and brushed his hair with her fingers. “The real truth is though, Roman, you all deserved to make it off the Ardent. Every single member of the crew. The universe really isn’t that way, though. There is no trading one life for another, who deserves to live and who doesn’t. It’s a roll of the dice, and it is so unfair.” She had seen the logs of them working together, the peeks into their life as friends and brothers outside of their work. “He deserved to live, so do you. You know he would believe that. I saw enough to know, if your places had been reversed, he would feel like you do now.”

Rand

Roman hugged her back, his head still tucked into her, hiding his face against her. He shook his head against her. “It’s not fair,” He cried into her shirt, “If the dice had to pick someone it shouldn’t have been him.” He sniffed hard, and then continued to cry on her. “His parents were waiting for him. He had people waiting for him! I didn’t.” She was helping, she really was, even if it didn’t seem like it yet.

~ Roman

“I was.” It came out in a breath and probably not heard. She didn’t know at the time it was specifically Roman she was waiting for, but she had been waiting for him. Besides it was a fanciful thought and wouldn’t help Roman.

She took a breath and held him tighter. “Yes. You. Did.” Rand said it clearly but gently. “They are still waiting for you. It’s not fair that the three of you lost him. Nothing will ever make it fair. But Roman,” she put a hand along his jaw so he would look at her. “They are waiting for you. Not because of Jay, but because you are you. You are Roman, and they love you. You are their family just as surely as Jay. You don’t write for three years without answer to someone that does not mean the world to you. They are waiting for you.”

Rand

Roman looked at her as she gently guided him to do so. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot from crying, his face splotchy and red. He wondered if they’d still be waiting for him, if they still had their own son. Still, he nodded slightly and then leaned against her. “I.. I still think you should write them.” He said quietly, his voice still sounding cry-y.

~ Roman

Rand would tell him absolutely they would. If they were only waiting for Jay they would have given up long ago. She wiped his face again and kissed his cheek. “Okay, I will. I still think you should, too. Even if it is only one thing. Tell them you’re okay after the attack,or about your work with Mushu, or that you miss them, or,” she smiled a little, a gentle tease, “you can tell them about me. They did ask.”

Rand

Roman was quiet for a while, laying against her, still crying but not as hard. After several quiet moments he said, “Can we just write it together?”

~ Roman

Above his head, Rand smiled slightly, relief and hope. “Of course. I mean I’m a yeoman after all. Transcription and dictation are fundamental skills that I posses.” She was trying to make him smile, just a little, or at least not be quite so sad.

Rand

Roman looked up at her and sniffled again. “Not only possess, but you’re the best at them.” He said softly, still cuddled into her. He still looked sad and like he still might cry if he hadn’t cried himself out of liquid already.

~ Roman

Rand held him for a moment longer and then gently got up. She went into the bathroom and came back with a wet cloth and grabbed him a chilled water. She sat next to him and opened the water before handing him both. “How should we start? I… I said I was excited to hear from them.”

Rand

Roman didn’t want her to go. He clung to her until he couldn’t reach her anymore. When she came back, he set the cloth against his face and drank nearly half the water. Then he leaned on her again. “That’s a good start. They’re nice people, Rand. I.. I wouldn’t stress over how you write it.” He said.

~ Roman

Telling Rand not to stress would be like telling Mr Wyvern not to attack … well anything. “They are important to you. And they watched my performances. People expect things of performers, to act a certain way, to speak and behave a certain way. They have expectations. I just really want them to like me.”

Rand

Roman looked up at her with the faintest of grins. “That won’t be a problem. I’m fairly certain they like you on principle.” He sighed a long, sad sigh and shrugged. “I’ll tell you if I think you put something you shouldn’t. Okay?”

~ Roman

She didn’t want them to like her on principle; she wanted them to genuinely like her. She understood what he meant though. Rand nodded eagerly at his offer. She got him to sit back against the pillows and sat with him, still hugging him with one arm, using the other to write on her PaDD. She wrote for a bit before pausing. “How much do you want me to tell them about the attack and your injuries?”

Rand

“I don’t want to scare them,” Roman said, both his arms wrapped around her as they sat against the pillows. “Tell them… There was an intruder on the ship, which they must have heard, and that I was hurt, but I’m fine.” He looked up at Rand, “Or do you think that’s too vague?”

~ Roman

Rand chewed her stylus in thought, her fingers drawing soothing circles on his arm. “Hmm, I think that is enough. It is vague, but we can explain the rest when we see them. No need to worry them.” She scribbled some more. She glanced at the copy of the letter she’d pulled. Why didn’t he tell them he was engaged? Well that was an easy answer. The attacks happened not long after that, but the truth was Roman just couldn’t bring himself to write. Rand couldn’t put that. She scribbled a little more. “She, umm, wants to know how we met and what I’m like.”

Rand

Roman leaned against her, looking tired. He’d worn himself out emotionally. “Okay. I don’t know when we’ll see them though.” He said. Rand’s next request for an answer to a question sparked a memory: young Jay, home on a break from Academy, had brought home his girlfriend at the time. Mrs Caliano had doted all over the woman and was really quite nice. Then she’d turned to Roman and asked when he was bringing a girl home.

They were going home to get married. They didn’t have much longer before that happened. Rand would just have to make sure to tell them when. If the Calianos asked more about his injuries she could explain more then.

For some reason that made Roman picture Jay in a wedding tuxedo and the whole idea made him sad all over again and he started crying softly. “You know the answers to those,” he said softly. “We worked together, on Sentinel. No need to mention the… Uh, nightly chats. She doesn’t need to know about the… the reason for those.”

~ Roman

“I know I do, but…well I don’t know how you would word it.” She was trying to get some input from him. But she scribbled down the answer. “They asked how you are. Do you want to tell them about your work? Maybe about Mushu?”

Rand