Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark
Posted by… suppressed (57) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman did see that look and it only made him hug her tighter. “Rand, what’s wrong?” His voice was full of concern and worry, especially having read the journal. He looked down at her, but his arm were still around her, and he gently twirled the ends of her hair in his finger tips.

~ Roman

“Wrrrrong?” He could feel her shrink into herself, trying to be smaller, not be noticed. “Nnnnothing. I jjjust don’t feel good.” It was true. She felt off, and just not okay. Body aches, and tired, and listless, and headaches, hard to focus, no energy for anything. All physical symptoms of depression. She didn’t feel good. Rand didn’t realize that though, she just knew that telling him what she thought was wrong was an obstacle bigger than she could handle.

Rand

“Tell me, please.” Roman insisted. He had no idea what he’d get her to say, but maybe if he got her to say something it would help. “I want to know. I promise.”

~ Roman

Rand shook her head, face pressed into his chest. How could she tell him she went to sleep every night and prayed not to wake up? That simply breathing was too hard. That she couldn’t face him and Randy every day after everything they were doing for her. How guilty she felt. The idea of having to leave him left a hole in her already broken heart. She didn’t want him to know. She didn’t want to leave him, but she would have to. Elbbirt would realize eventually she would never get better. Her hands bunched so tightly in his shirt her hands cramped closed. “I’m sssad.” She was so still, her shoulders so stiff, her stomach tightly cramped, she practically vibrated with the tension. “Itttt hurttts......I ccccan’t br…reath.”

Rand

Roman led her carefully back out and sat her down in the office chair he usually worked in. Then he reached over to the bed and in a quick and fluid motion her stuffed kelpie was plopped into her lap. Then he pulled another chair next to her and hugged her. “Breathe. Like Randy taught you.” Then he looked at her with a really serious, worried look. “Remember when you noticed my sleep deprivation? You came to me, with my reports, and do you remember what you said?” He squeezed her hand, “You said I had to let you help. And I did, and things got better for me.” He hugged her again, tightly, and then said, “So let me help you. I want to. I wouldn’t be here without you and I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t here.” His voice was heavy with emotion as he loosened his grip so he could look down at her.

~ Roman

Rand hugged the kelpie to her chest and breathed in the lavender stuffed inside. Breathe. Like Randy taught you. Roman was hugging her and she was leaned against him, making her relax some and she breathed. It was hard to find the rhythm and keep the count. She’d been in a hyper aware state for too long. Pushing herself into near or full blown panic attacks for weeks. She nodded, of course she remembered. His words were intense but confusing because she just wasn’t listening. She wasn’t able to, her mind just couldn’t see past it’s own thought process. “You don’t…owe me. I…I’d help yyyou anyway.” If Rand knew how similar her own thoughts and emotions matched Roman’s all those months ago she would be terribly frightened for him, even though he was better now.

Rand

Roman started squeezing her hand in rhythm, the way she’d taught him. He kept her hugged against him as he nodded. “I know. I’d do it for you either way.” It was an ongoing battle for Roman, it had been for a long time, even before Jay, though his death had made it worse. When Rand helped him, he was in a very similar place to Rand. And again when he’d had to do that review of his old project. It got better both times. Mostly thanks to Rand. She didn’t think he owed her, he couldn’t shake the feeling he did. He’d help her even if he didn’t though. No one deserved to feel like that. “Just let me help.” He said it again. He knew how it worked, how sometimes it was too hard to break those thought processes, how sometimes you had to hear it more than once. “I love you.”

~ Roman

He began to squeeze her hand, and for the last year it had been such an intrical part of their lives, every day, it made her breath easier and deeper immediately. How could she let him help? He did SO much for her already. When he said he loved her, she shuttered, pressing into him and began to cry. “You don’t…know me.”

Rand

Roman looked down at her, completely confused by her statement. “What do you mean?” Of course he knew her. They’d been together over a year now. They were to be married. They spent nearly all their time together. She knew him better than anyone. Surely he knew her just as well. “Of course I know you.”

~ Roman

She didn’t want to explain. She knew how crazy it sounded. That she had these other ‘personas’. It wasn’t that Rand believed that they were real. It was just a game she and Randy had played when they were in school and she got really nervous…what would this person do? So when she was too nervous and didn’t know what she was supposed to do, she’d just imagine she was someone else and do what they would do. Eventually the list had narrowed to the characters she had played because she knew them as well as she knew herself. Her chest hurt…sitting on the desk was the data disk with all her scripts. She pointed at it weakly but clearly enough Roman would know what she was meaning. “You know them.”

Rand

Rand pointed at the data disk of her plays. It was one of few things he’d left out when he cleaned up earlier that morning. Roman recalled an entry in her journal, where she’d written that she thought he’d fallen for her characters. Was that what she meant by he didn’t know her? He shook his head. “I love you. I know the difference between you and them.”

~ Roman

How could he? How could he know the difference and still lover her. She was just her. An anxious blubbery mess, all. the. time. Too scared to do anything. It just confused her. “How? How can you and still want..” she waved at herself. “I can’t do my job. I can’t do anything anymore.” The crying made her head pound and made it hard to think. “Tha mi gun fheum. Bidh aig Elbbirt ri mo chuir dhachaigh. Chan urrainn dhomh dad a dhèanamh. (I’m useless. Elbbirt will have to send me home. I can’t do anything.)”

Rand

It hurt Roman to hear her say those things about herself. They were all untrue. He hugged her tighter. “You are not useless. You’re the best yeoman in Starfleet. You can still do reports and you are getting better.” He pressed her to him, her head against his chest. “You helped me, again. You deal with my sickbay thing, you got me to take the meds instead of going to sickbay, and then you got me to keep on with the meds, because you knew it would help. Does that sound useless to you? Because it doesn’t to me.” And then he sighed softly, looking down at her, guilt in his eyes, “I should’ve known you were struggling this badly sooner. I’m sorry.”

~ Roman

“I’m not anymore. I can’t remember things, I’m slow. I’m not allowed to do anything because I just make things worse. Randy has to fix everything.” She did not help him. She hadn’t done a thing. Not…not after that first night. He was so mad at her. Angry that she’d tried to help, so she stopped, she wouldn’t do it again. She wasn’t any good at helping anyway. She wanted to, but she just made it worse. His last statement just made her feel guilty. “Nnnot your faulttt.” He wasn’t supposed to worry about her, take care of her. It was supposed to be the other way around. He had a whole ship to take care of, and the whole crew. She was supposed to take care of him.

Rand

Roman felt guilty for being mad at her at all. He hadn’t been as angry as she thought he had, but he had been upset and he had avoided it. If he hadn’t done that, hadn’t been upset at her for doing something that helped, her head wouldn’t have gotten worse. “Give yourself time, Rand. You’re getting better. You don’t make things worse. You do what needs doing.” He felt like he wasn’t getting enough done around the ship lately. With all the days off and late starts for health issues he always felt way behind. “Maybe not but I still wish I could’ve helped sooner.”

~ Roman

The truth was, Rand was more upset with herself than Roman had been with her. If Rand hadn’t already been in her own downward spiral she would have known that and simply given Roman space and then awkwardly and timidly tried to talk to him. Rand hadn’t been herself though. Time…everyone kept saying she needed time. How much time? How much before they couldn’t give her more? She did everything they told her to do, and it wasn’t getting better. “What if I don’t? What if this is it?” Roman had the whole ship to take care of and he was still dealing with his recovery and the Ardent’s anniversary and his heart and the labs and everything. “I’m supposed to help you.” That was her job. Technically she was supposed to help the captain, and she did…well Randy did now, but part of that was helping the crew wherever they needed it, to meet the captain’s expectations and the orders given to her by Command. She couldn’t, she wasn’t allowed to do that anymore.

Rand

“You will. I know you will. You even remembered one of your lines when we read them together. They’ll keep coming back.” Roman replied. All he could do was keep trying to reassure her it would. He understood being frustrated with recovery. His body still didn’t react how he was used to sometimes because of his heart and it drove him crazy. “You told me, when I was injured and I didn’t want to wait either, that it takes time and I’d only make it worse by rushing.” He looked down at her again, “and you were right, weren’t you? Things work better when I don’t try to do too much?” He nodded, “And you still do. You help with my reports. The captain understands your absence, she just wants you to get better. And my lab techs keep asking when you’re coming back, too. They all miss you being there. When your head is doing good, I could take you there for a while.”

~ Roman

She had said that, hadn’t she? Over and over, until he was sick of hearing it probably. She knew he was right, it was just so hard to be confined. She’d fussed over it at home too. She hadn’t listened then and ended up back in the hospital for 3 months. She didn’t want that to happen again, but it was so hard to sit in this room alone with the fear and sadness. His shirt was probably soaked through at that point. “I’m sad and scared, Roman, and I don’t know how not to be anymore.”

Rand

He had been sick of hearing it. It drove him bonkers. All he wanted, especially with his other problems, was to be able to go about his life and business and, especially earlier in his recovery, a regular work day would wind and exhaust him, or he’d need his rescue hypo after a walk of the ship. It had been maddening. And he still had plenty of healing to go. The incident with the jiu jitsu had proven that. His shirt was very wet, he didn’t seem to care. He shifted slightly as if to give her a dryer spot to cry on. “Let me help and Randy too. He’s really worried about you…” Hee felt guilty for having done it, he wouldn’t have done it if she hadn’t been so out of sorts lately, but he felt it was right to tell her, so he did: “I um… I saw your journal. The… The page you’ve been working on. And… I was so worried and scared for you I showed it to Randy as well. He… He said he was going to talk to Elbbirt, and not to send you home, but to get permission for a medical option to help you. Something like… what he’s got me on. If you want it.” He had told her what Randy was changing his meds to. She was the first person he told, he’d been upset about it at the time.

~ Roman

He read her journal. Rand was mortified. She wasn’t mad he read it. Randy was always doing things like that. For the same reasons Roman said he had - because they were worried about her. It was a huge violation of privacy, and she was mortified over the things she had written, for him to read her own admissions of how worthless she was. It really wasn’t all that different from what she had done to him. She’d read the letter about the Ardent without him knowing. At first it had been about ship’s business and orders from Science Command. Then it had quickly turned into worry for him and trying to make it easier. She had had to tell him she had seen it, and she’d watched the logs because she was worried for him. This was no different. She wished she hadn’t written those things for him to find, but she knew Roman was doing what he thought he had to for her.

“Oh…” He wanted to help, and let Randy help too. Randy did so much already, always had, it wasn’t fair to him, now he had to do more, and if he didn’t Roman would do it all, and he had much more important responsibilities to ship and crew. She absolutely could not do it alone though, she was trying and she just couldn’t she just got more and more sad and scared, and she knew it. “Oh…okay.”

Rand

Roman had, deep down, been glad Rand saw the logs. All but the last one, anyway. Because even though then she knew what he was like then, how different he had been, what he wasn’t anymore, she also got to have a hint what Jay had been like. And Jay deserved people to remember him.

He looked very relieved when she said okay, and he hugged her again. “You can always talk to me. About anything.” It worried him more if Rand didn’t feel like she could tell him these things than if he thought she might feel like this and just not tell him.

~ Roman

“I know....” Rand knew she could talk to Roman, or that he would listen to whatever she had to say, just couldn’t. She couldn’t bring herself to tell him. It was easier to stay silent, but that made things worse. She was still crying and couldn’t seem to stop. Roman had gotten her to start talking and that had released everything else. He was hugging her again, and his hugs (corny as it sounded) always made everything better. It made her feel secure enough to let go and she just cried harder.

Rand

Roman just held her and let her cry. There wasn’t much else to do, she just needed to cry it out. Sometimes it just was that way. He sat quietly, still squeezing her hand in the same rhythm. There wasn’t anything else he could say.

~ Roman

Rand cried, there just didn’t seem an end to it. She was holding onto him so tight that at some point she ended up on his lap. Having finally let things out, admitting there was something was wrong, she couldn’t let go of him. She’d start to calm, doing her best to breath with the squeezes on her hand, and she’d calm and be still for awhile, and then start to cry again, then get quiet again, until finally she seemed to have stopped and was just very quiet.

There was a soft knock on the door. “Roman?” it was Randy. Elbbirt was standing outside the door, but made no offer to come in. Randy took in the room. Roman’s shirt was soaked, Rand was curled up precariously on his lap, and didn’t show any signs of caring or being aware of it. She was just holding onto him with a white knuckled grip, her face red and splotchy and tear stained. “Rand?” Randy looked like a man tormented. “Can I sit with you for awhile?” Randy nodded his head toward the door. Elbbirt wanted to talk to Roman.

Rand

Roman held her. He’d stay there all day if he had to. Just sit and hug her. She was hugged so tight to him she was on his lap, so he held her to be sure she stayed there and didn’t slide off. Roman looked up when Randy came in and saw Elbbirt. Rand would be able to feel his body tense. Then Randy nodded his head, indicating Elbbirt wanted to talk to him and his stomach knotted. It was just a chat, and, he suspected, not even about him! It was ridiculous. He hugged Rand one more time. “I need to be right back. It’ll only be a few minutes.” When he had adjusted her so he could get up, he left her with Randy and stepped into the hall to speak to Elbbirt.

~ Roman

Randy put his arms around her and leaned in. Speaking softly and slowly, his voice creating a calming rhythm, like he had thousands of times before. Rand leaned over against him, but didn’t say anything. She listened but remained quiet. Randy figured she would probably be more comfortable on the bed, but the idea was to get her up and moving, interacting.

The door closed behind Roman and Elbbirt shook his head, “She doesn’t look very good, doesn’t she?” He motioned toward the conference room. “I haven’t done very well on caring for her, have I? Focusing only on the body and not her mind.” Taking a seat he looked at Alden. “Randy showed me the pages. Rand is not in a state of mind to make any decisions for herself. So we must work together to find a way to help her.”

Elbbirt

Roman sighed and shook his head. “She’s not doing well.” He readjusted his shirt. Without Rand laying on it, the wetness on his shirt felt cold and uncomfortable. He sat across from Elbbirt. “Your job is physical health. You can’t do a job you’re not trained for.” His tone was that of how he was when he was acting as XO. “Rand’s mental condition is not your fault.” In fact Roman felt more responsible for it. He should’ve noticed. “I’ve already had a conversation with her. She is, or at least said she was, willing to accept Randy’s help, including, if indicated, medical intervention.” By medical intervention he meant meds. If they would help Rand, he hoped she would use them. It struck him she must have felt the same way about his. Hoping he would take them so she didn’t have to watch him struggle. It made him feel worse for being angry she’d given him the dream meds that one night.

~ Roman

“Ah but it is my job. Ships don’t get assigned counselors. We are quite lucky to have Randy. But under normal circumstances it falls to the doctors to ensure the physical and mental health of the crew.” Elbbirt did blame himself. If he hadn’t been so focused on Alden and what he needed he might have seen how Rand was struggling. She’d come to him just two days ago. He had misunderstood, thinking she was worried about being sent home, when in fact, she was asking to be sent home.

Elbbirt nodded, relieved that Roman had been able to get her to agree to that much. “We’re going to make some changes to her care. The first is that Randy will no longer be her counselor. Rand needs her brother not Randy the therapist. And Randy needs to have the space and time to be her brother. He’s devastated over this. I will take over there. Second, if you agree, I want to start her on some medication. I really don’t think we should wait on that. I want to put her on sertraline hydrochloride in the morning. It can affect how she sleeps. Side effects are nausea, headache, fatigue, and constipation, but usually go away after the first week as her body adjusts to the medication. The side effects are very rare though.”

Elbbirt

Roman nodded, then again to agree to the meds. He worried, somewhat selfishly, that Randy wouldn’t be able to be his counselor anymore either. Roman wouldn’t work with anyone else. He wasn’t even willing to ask Elbbirt. The last thing she needed was more headaches and nausea but she needed to be less depressed more. “That med works well?” He asked. He had been told, by Randy, that he needed to give his new meds time, and it was his first day on them, but it didn’t feel like it was working that well yet.

~ Roman

Elbbirt nodded, “It’s been around since the early 21st century. It’s been refined with medical advancement of course, but it’s very effective. Rand doesn’t usually react to medications so I don’t think she will suffer any side effects, but we will keep an eye on her.” He leaned back in the chair. “Randy suggested getting her out of bed, but after reading what he shared with me I really think she needs out of that room. We often prescribe bed rest because it’s needed, but it’s hard, she feels she only has you and Randy. And given her anxiety that’s what she can handle. But she feels very isolated. I was thinking we might ask around the ship for things she can do, even if she’s having a bad day. Randy said she was helping Gorshin some when she first got out of sickbay?”

Elbbirt

Roman nodded, still in work mode. It was the best way to not seem oddly nervous. “She was helping him in the kitchen. She prefers her regular job but she did like helping him when she wasn’t allowed to do anything else.” He nodded to bed rest being hard. For his leg and for his heart he had been restless and had nothing to do but linger on bad thoughts. It had been very hard and he was glad Elbbirt was going to let her do a little more.

~ Roman

“I will ask, and see what we can come up with. Get her out and around more people. She may not like it, but it’s better than leaving her alone right now. Randy suggested walks, the rec room, the observation deck. I know there isn’t a lot to do on the ship, but anything.” He stood. “I’ll give her the meds. I’ll come in the mornings or bring her to sickbay on the way to breakfast. Right now, if she’s going to get upset over it, I want her stressing over my presence and a hypo, not you or Randy and a hypo.”

Elbbirt

Roman nodded again. “Come in the mornings. She hates sickbay.” He stood when Elbbirt stood. “Let’s hope this works quickly.”

~ Roman

Elbbirt nodded. “The sooner we start her on the meds the sooner it works.”

Elbbirt followed Alden back to his quarters and he sat down and talked to Rand. “Rand, Cmdr Alden said you were willing to try some medication to help you. I have it with me and I’m going to come every day to make sure you get it and that it is helping, okay?”

Rand just nodded. She was leaning against Randy, but she wanted Roman. Elbbirt rolled her sleeve up and pressed the hypo to her arm. There was the loud hiss and sting of the meds going in. He made a thorough scan and nodded to himself. “I think a nice long walk and lots of water would do your head some good. Get your blood moving and help the swelling a little. If you need me…” and he left. He had people to talk to.

Rand

Roman sat down and held her hand while Elbbirt gave the meds. Then he handed her a water. “Doesn’t that sound good? A nice long walk? We could do it like we used to jog… Just make sure we walk instead.” He squeezed Rand’s hand gently. “It might help.”

~ Roman

Rand hugged Randy because he was worried and she felt guilty preferring Roman to him. That wasn’t fair to him when he’d given everything up because of her. Randy hugged her back and let her go. He knew she would rather Roman, and that made him happy, not sad. Rand leaned over against Roman, taking the water and drinking it slowly. Her hands turned and twisted the bottle back and forth. All these people in the room knowing what she’d written made her sick and and feel even worse. She wished they would all go away.

Rand shrugged not looking at him. “Okay....”

Rand

Randy got up and went into the bathroom and brought back a wet cloth and gently wiped Rand’s face. She would hate for people to know she had been crying. Then he left.

She didn’t sound like she wanted to go and honestly, he didn’t really either. But he had to, because it was supposed to help her. Rand would never know he didn’t want to go as he stood, still hugging her. “Come on. Bring the water.” He knew it wouldn’t make it better right away, nothing would, but if it would help he would do anything.

~ Roman

Rand stood up, holding onto the water bottle and followed him. She hadn’t looked at the ship’s schedule in days and had no idea where to go. She just followed Roman occasionally sipping from the water.

Rand

Their old usual deck, deck 6, wouldn’t be too busy that day, but there was another place he thought Rand might prefer to go. He led Rand around deck 3 and then into the lift and down to deck 9. Then he brought her to the biology lab.

~ Roman

Rand stopped short outside the door. She wasn’t allowed in there. She wasn’t well enough. She might trip or get dizzy and knock something over or upset the animals. She shook her head. “Chan urrainn dhut na riaghailtean a bhriseadh dhòmhsa. (You can’t break the rules for me.)”

Rand

“I’m not. You’re well enough. Come on.” Roman said, trying to urge her into the lab. “I know you can.” He’d had an arm around her for the entire walk, now he gave her a little hug. “It’ll be fine. It’s my lab, and I think you’ve been having few enough problems you’ll be perfectly safe in here.”

~ Roman

Of course she would be. Roman wouldn’t let anything happen to her or anyone else in the lab. She wasn’t worried about her safety, she was worried about his. She was watching what little bit of Nibbles’ cage she could see. She had abandoned the poor mouse again. Nibbles couldn’t possibly understand why Rand kept disappearing. She vaguely wondered if Nibbles would eventually become aggressive because of it. Roman had to practically drag her to get her moving, but in the end she did.

Roman smiled and pulled her into the lab. He actually wanted her to see Nibbles. The mouse clearly missed her, so he thought the visit would do them both good.

It was an unusual sight to be sure, inside the lab. Cmdr Alden, out of uniform inside the lab, even off duty. With his arm anchored securely around Rand’s waist, and Rand not excited to be there. True to his statement, everyone had missed Rand in the lab. They all to a person knew or suspected her anxiety and by unspoken agreement went out of their way to not upset her. Concerned smiles raced around the room at seeing Rand there but obviously upset. They all quietly continued their work.

Rand just stood there not sure what she was supposed to do and so went wherever ever Roman took her. The only normal thing she did was put her water down on the table by the door. No food or drinks in the lab.

Rand

Roman invited excited expressions of welcoming Rand back to the lab with a “Look who’s feeling well enough to visit today!” He didn’t want to overwhelm her, rather show her that everyone did miss her presence. Then he led her around the lab and talked about all the animals and how they’d been lately like he used to do with her. Stopping in front of Nibbles’ enclosure he took the top off and encouraged her to interact with the mouse, offering her the little sleeve scrap. “Go on, she’s missed you. I’m right here in case anything happens.”

~ Roman

Rand sat down on the stool. She fidgeted with the sleeve watching the little mouse. It was cruel to interact with her when Rand wouldn’t be around later. Nibbles on the other hand thought her appearance was wonderful. The opening of the lid gained her attention and she paced around looking up and then sat watching through the clear glass before getting up on her hind legs and scrabbling at the glass in Rand’s direction.

Alden’s effusive announcement surprised every one in the lab, even Franks. They all kind of stared at him like he grew a second head. They all kind of talked over themselves to go out of their way to speak to her. Hardison saw Nibbles reaction and went to the cabinet and pulled out a container of food. He was getting it for Rand when Alden decided to make his statement and he was so surprised he dropped what he was holding and it clattered on the floor. He muttered curses at himself for being so clumsy and bent to pick it up.

Rand was supremely unhappy to be the center of attention.

Rand

Roman was smiling as Nibbles scrabbled at the glass in her excitement to see Rand. She was just so cute. Then he heard something clatter to the ground and quickly turned, looking concerned. “What fell? Don’t touch it, let me see.” He looked, it was just the food for Nibbles. Seeds and grasses. He let out a sigh of relief and bent down to help get it cleaned up. “Let’s be a little more careful in the future, shall we? Could’ve been a lot worse.” He said as he worked.

~ Roman

Harrison looked mortified. “Of course Cmdr.” He didn’t say anything else. Alden hated excuses and if he said ‘I was stunned by your open excitement over Rand and wanting us to stop work to talk to her I dropped it’ would not go over well.

He finished helping clean up and nodded, smiling a little.

Rand looked upset. She’d caused a disruption. She slid off the stool and pressed the cage lid closed and made her way toward the door. Franks saw and just happened to get in her way. There was a very awkward shuffling back and forth as she tried to get around him but he kept moving the same way. “Sorry Rand. Here,” He turned and grabbed a container out of the cabinet (it was conveniently close) and handed it to her. “This is what you want right?” It was food for Nibbles. No it was not what Rand wanted, she wanted to leave without being noticed.

The mouse was very agitated now. Scrabbling and chattering when Rand moved away.

Rand

Roman turned when he heard Franks. “Rand? Are you okay?” He asked, coming back over to her and putting his arm back around her. “I thought seeing Nibbles would help.” He sounded caring and worried, not upset or angry or disappointed.

~ Roman

Rand opened her mouth and could feel the stutter forming already and closed it. She took the container from Franks and kind of held it up for Roman to see as if that explained everything. She nodded, but Roman would know the lie. She was not okay because when he’d walked up to her, her hands had been behind her back to hide the nervousness. She let Roman lead her back over to the cage and she sat, and now had no choice but to interact with Nibbles. And she wanted to soooo badly. Her hands were shaking enough that she spilled some of the food, more like crumbs, but it was enough to make Rand more upset. She didn’t put the sleeve on at all nor try to reach into the cage. She was afraid she might hurt Nibbles, she was so nervous.

Alden’s outright affectionate display was getting looks. Oh they were happy for him, it was just weird. Franks wrote something on his PaDD and showed it to everyone as he went about checking the different areas. It simply said “Not a word to Scott about this.” Then he said it might “Help” and they all looked at each other and silently mouthed the word “help” trying to figure out what was wrong with Rand. Why did she need help? Had something happened to her memory or something? Everyone knew she was having a difficult recovery.

Rand

Roman sat next to Rand, arm around her, gently rubbing her back. “She likes you almost as well as Pipkin. Atarivan mice must live in a family unit or colony. I should’ve taken more than one so she wouldn’t be so lonely.” He seemed to actually feel bad about that. He smiled at Rand. “You always like working with her.” He seemed to take no notice to the weird looks or note passing. He was focused on Rand.

~ Roman

It always made her feel better when he rubbed back. It seemed to ease the anxiety. “Couldn’t you get another one?” Surely if they were considering the planet for colonization there was a ship near by that could do it? The regret in his voice didn’t surprise her. Roman cared about the animals even if he didn’t get attached. However if Rand had been paying attention she would realize that was never anything he would say in front of his department.

Roman sighed and shook his head. “The ship they had studying the planet was called away temporarily about six months ago and has yet to return. And even if it were still there, finding, catching, and humanely sending, an atarivan mouse takes time. If I’m right about the age of Nibbles, it may not be worth the trouble.”

That piece of information made Rand sad. Did Roman think Nibbles was going to die soon? And Rand had been gone again and left her alone. She was a horrible person. That piece of information propelled her to open the cage and start feeding her. To make up for it.

“I’ve gotten attached to her. I wasn’t supposed to do that.” It was supposed to be one sided, but she was attached anyway. To every animal in there but especially Nibbles. She took another handful of the food and scattered it around the cage and watched while the mouse scurried around to find it.

Rand

Roman shook his head. “It was an unfair request. I knew you liked animals, so I knew you’d enjoy doing it, but equally I should have accounted for the fact you would inevitably become attached to her.” He continued to rub her back. “Remember my valentine’s Day gift? I suppose I knew then that you had already become attached.”

~ Roman

Rand nodded, “I knew when I agreed it would happen. It’s not like I tried to tell myself it would be fine. I knew I would get attached. I guess I just didn’t think I would still be helping.” It had been over a year. Nibbles was scrambling at the glass and Rand dropped more of the food in. Nibbles took it but then went and stuffed it in her nest. She didn’t like it. She would eat it though. “She doesn’t like it.” Rand looked at the container and wrote down the observation. Really what Nibbles wanted was Rand she wasn’t interested in the food.

Rand

Roman smiled and shrugged, “Things turned out unexpectedly but favorably. I wouldn’t have it any different.” He looked down at the mouse and carefully stuck his hand down by her to let her sniff. “I think she wants you more than her food.”

~ Roman

Nibbles sniffed his hand, rubbing her face on his fingers a bit. Much more friendly than she used to be. She could tell Nibbles wanted her, but Rand only fidgeted with the sleeve. “I can’t, she’ll climb and then latch on.”

Rand

Roman used his thumb to gently pet the little mouse. “That’s what the sleeve is for. I mean, you don’t have to but you love doing this.” He pulled his hand away from Nibbles and instead rested it on his other arm, looking sad and worried. “We can always keep walking like Randy suggested… I just thought you’d like this more.”

~ Roman

“I do,” Rand whispered. She slipped the sleeve on her arm, but it was Nibbles chittering and scratching that convinced her. Rand tried to keep her off her hand but the little mouse squeaked and scrabbled pitifully any time Rand tried to stop her. She sniffed and groomed all over Rand’s hand and then…when Rand thought she had calmed down…she raced all the way up the sleeve. Rand looked overwhelmed trying to stop her without hurting her. Nibbles hunkered down, claws through both the sleeve and Rand’s shirt sleeve.

Rand

Roman was trying not to grin and chuckle. It was more like the Roman from the Ardent disks than the overly cautious Roman she knew. “She loves you! It’s cute.” Then he seemed to realize that Nibble’s curved claws had gone through Rand’s shirt too and his giggling subsided somewhat, “She didn’t hurt you did she?”

~ Roman

Rand didn’t find it funny at all. Nibbles was officially out of her cage. And she couldn’t get her off. She would get one paw unhooked and Nibbles would use that as a chance to climb higher. “What? No she didn’t hurt me. She’s going to get hurt. What if she falls?” Rand didn’t take her eyes off the mouse, but when Rand stopped trying to remove her to answer Roman, Nibbles scrambles the rest of the way up to Rand’s shoulder.

Rand

“She’s alright,” Roman said, still chuckling, but as he said it cupped his hands gently around the mouse waiting to lift until her paws released Rand’s shirt. “I’m not sure anyone could make an atarivan mouse fall off something it wasn’t planning to.”

~ Roman

The entire lab was staring dumb founded, except Franks who shut the lab door just in case. Nibbles squeaked pitifully, and Rand was staring at her almost cross-eyed on her shoulder. She reached up and pet her between her ears. Nibbles hunkered down further and stopped squeaking and chittering. Her tiny little eyes squinted shut, and Rand felt horrible she’d been gone so long.

Rand

Roman just wanted to hug them both, really, but instead he kept his hands cupped around Nibbles, tickling her paws as if hoping that would make her let go. “Come on, off you pop, little one.” He glanced at Rand and grinned. This was a lot of interesting data for the mouse. Very cute data.

~ Roman

Nibbles had no intention of popping off. Infact as Roman tickled her paws she just nuzzle his fingers cutely. Rand kept petting her but didn’t say anything. She was so focused in trying to make Nibbles relax she was unaware of the stares they were getting. Granted the lab staff was staring at Roman and not her, but it would still make her nervous.

Roman grinned and chuckled, “Nibbles, no.” The ‘no’ was cutely drawn out and punctuated with chuckles. “Let go, now. You know better, you know you do.” He pet the little mouse’s head gently.

At this point even Franks was staring at Alden, jaw almost to the floor, unable to do anything but stare. He knew Alden was quite attached to the lizard. He was more of a pet, but he had never heard Alden speak like that, not even to Mushu.

However, Nibbles seemed to be having an effect on Rand. She was whispering nonsense in Gaelic to the tiny mouse, petting her, and putting her face too close to Nibbles (something she would always have been careful of) as she talked (though Nibbles seemed to not care or feel threatened. In fact she looked like she might fall asleep). If Rand could have gotten her loose she would have held her on her chest with both hands.

The lab staff thought it was too cute and hadn’t seen Rand so much herself in a long time.

Rand

Roman did not miss that Rand seemed more relaxed or the way she was speaking in Gaelic to Nibbles, not in a slurred, confused way, but in an affectionate cute way, the way she did for Pipkin. They seemed to be having an effect on each other, and a good one. That was when he knew he could never separate these two. When he was done with Nibbles in the lab (which honestly, at this point he was studying how she aged and foraged during different “times of year”, simulated with temperature control in the lab), he would have to give Nibbles to Rand.

He was okay with that. He hadn’t wanted to say goodbye to the mouse anyway. He had determined long ago the mouse was not dangerous. Her claws could do some damage but Nibbles had proven to have a good temperament for a pet time and time again. In fact, if one were to breed a domestic atarivan mouse, Nibbles would be a good starting point. He was glad to see Rand more like herself so instead of working too hard to move Nibbles he put his arm back around her and smiled.

~ Roman

Rand kept talking sweet baby babble, in Gaelic, which made it sound very musical and entrancing. She was telling Nibbles some far fetched children’s story about mice rescuing a lost child. Of course only Roman would know that.

Freed from the makeshift cage of Alden’s hands, Nibbles squinted her eyes and seemed content. Until she quite suddenly scurried the rest of the way up her shoulder. Her little back feet hooked claws into her shirt, front paws on Rand’s chin and her giant elephant style ears wrapped around Rand’s nose, (hiding it from view) and the fact she was touching her nose to Rand’s. Rand went very very still, startled into holding her breath, and looking quite comical as she stared at the mouse cross-eyed.

She carefully put a finger under Nibbles paws and pulled her head back, the other hand wrapped around her to keep her from falling. Also hopefully she wasn’t about to bite her. Rand had no idea what to make of the behavior.

Rand

Roman was watching carefully. If the mouse made the wrong move, he’d act. Otherwise, he wanted to let it happen. “You are family to her.” Roman commented quietly, not wanting to startle nibbles. “We’ve only seen them do that with their family members in the nest. Sort of like cats kneading you the way they knead their mothers’ bellies.”

~ Roman

That seemed more than Rand could stand. She was Nibbles’ family, and she’d left her alone. Once she’d been allowed to greet Rand how she saw fit, Nibbles seemed to calm down and when Rand lifted her, Nibbles let go of her shirt and sat quietly in Rand’s hand. Rand held her carefully, while Nibbles kept stretching her nose toward her. “Ròmanach,” her voice was whisper soft and sad, but over loud in the silent lab.

Evans nudged Biynak who nudged Marek who slapped Franks back handed lightly in the shoulder. Every face had the same surprised look and silently attempted to mouth ‘Ròmanach’ in question. Obviously Rand meant Cmdr Alden, but they were all outright curios about what they thought was a nickname. Evans would remark later to Franks and Randy that if a girl said his name like that, in the heavy lilt, he would do whatever she wanted. Randy would tell him to stop talking about his sister.

Rand

Roman tightened his arm around her. “What?” Nibbles was sitting cutely and calmly in her hand and he reached over and put some of the mouse’s food into Rand’s hand. He was unaware of the stares they were getting.

~ Roman

Rand didn’t say anything else. She was sad and felt bad, but also really goofey happy that Nibbles loved her, but that just made her feel more guilty. She didn’t want to talk about it, especially not here in the lab, not anywhere. The meds must be helping though because she wasn’t crying, just feeling incredibly sad and like she might cry. Nibbles pulled the berry toward her with her front paws and held it while she ate it. Rand thought she was adorable. “Chan eil e cothromach dhi. (It’s not fair to her.)”

Rand

Roman shrugged, still hugging her into him. Switching to Gaelic assuming she didn’t want the whole lab hearing, “Bha thu tinn. Chan e sin do choire.” (You were sick. That’s not your fault.) There were little pauses between the words while he tried to think of them. The mouse was incredibly cute the way she held and ate the berry he’d given her, and for some reason he was failing to identify, the sight made him sad. He wasn’t going to cry though, not this time and certainly not in the middle of the lab. He took a little breath and then went on, “Tha thu air a beatha a dhèanamh nas fheàrr, eadhon ged a bha thu air falbh airson greis.” (You’ve made her life better, even if you were gone for a while.)

~ Roman

Rand didn’t believe that, that she made it better. She knew Roman would argue the point so she didn’t say so. Instead she let Nibbles finish her berry and then lifted her to nose level. Rand let her rub noses again and then set her back in the enclosure. Nibbles rubbed and groomed all her fingers before she scuttled back into her little den. Rand slipped the sleeve off and put it away. Normally she would be writing endless notes, but she didn’t know what to make of it all, nor did she think she could be objective. So she closed and locked the lid, put the food away, and washed her hands.

Rand

Roman wrote the notes instead while she washed up. It was partly his old method of distracting himself. Normally, Rand would notice the way he involved himself so deeply in what he was doing so there wasn’t room to think of anything else. But soon he set the PaDD down and turned to wash his hands, and then he rejoined Rand. “Is there anywhere else on the ship you’ve been wanting to go?”

~ Roman