Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark
Posted by… suppressed (11) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman did see that look and it only made him hug her tighter. “Rand, what’s wrong?” His voice was full of concern and worry, especially having read the journal. He looked down at her, but his arm were still around her, and he gently twirled the ends of her hair in his finger tips.

~ Roman

“Wrrrrong?” He could feel her shrink into herself, trying to be smaller, not be noticed. “Nnnnothing. I jjjust don’t feel good.” It was true. She felt off, and just not okay. Body aches, and tired, and listless, and headaches, hard to focus, no energy for anything. All physical symptoms of depression. She didn’t feel good. Rand didn’t realize that though, she just knew that telling him what she thought was wrong was an obstacle bigger than she could handle.

Rand

“Tell me, please.” Roman insisted. He had no idea what he’d get her to say, but maybe if he got her to say something it would help. “I want to know. I promise.”

~ Roman

Rand shook her head, face pressed into his chest. How could she tell him she went to sleep every night and prayed not to wake up? That simply breathing was too hard. That she couldn’t face him and Randy every day after everything they were doing for her. How guilty she felt. The idea of having to leave him left a hole in her already broken heart. She didn’t want him to know. She didn’t want to leave him, but she would have to. Elbbirt would realize eventually she would never get better. Her hands bunched so tightly in his shirt her hands cramped closed. “I’m sssad.” She was so still, her shoulders so stiff, her stomach tightly cramped, she practically vibrated with the tension. “Itttt hurttts......I ccccan’t br…reath.”

Rand

Roman led her carefully back out and sat her down in the office chair he usually worked in. Then he reached over to the bed and in a quick and fluid motion her stuffed kelpie was plopped into her lap. Then he pulled another chair next to her and hugged her. “Breathe. Like Randy taught you.” Then he looked at her with a really serious, worried look. “Remember when you noticed my sleep deprivation? You came to me, with my reports, and do you remember what you said?” He squeezed her hand, “You said I had to let you help. And I did, and things got better for me.” He hugged her again, tightly, and then said, “So let me help you. I want to. I wouldn’t be here without you and I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t here.” His voice was heavy with emotion as he loosened his grip so he could look down at her.

~ Roman

Rand hugged the kelpie to her chest and breathed in the lavender stuffed inside. Breathe. Like Randy taught you. Roman was hugging her and she was leaned against him, making her relax some and she breathed. It was hard to find the rhythm and keep the count. She’d been in a hyper aware state for too long. Pushing herself into near or full blown panic attacks for weeks. She nodded, of course she remembered. His words were intense but confusing because she just wasn’t listening. She wasn’t able to, her mind just couldn’t see past it’s own thought process. “You don’t…owe me. I…I’d help yyyou anyway.” If Rand knew how similar her own thoughts and emotions matched Roman’s all those months ago she would be terribly frightened for him, even though he was better now.

Rand

Roman started squeezing her hand in rhythm, the way she’d taught him. He kept her hugged against him as he nodded. “I know. I’d do it for you either way.” It was an ongoing battle for Roman, it had been for a long time, even before Jay, though his death had made it worse. When Rand helped him, he was in a very similar place to Rand. And again when he’d had to do that review of his old project. It got better both times. Mostly thanks to Rand. She didn’t think he owed her, he couldn’t shake the feeling he did. He’d help her even if he didn’t though. No one deserved to feel like that. “Just let me help.” He said it again. He knew how it worked, how sometimes it was too hard to break those thought processes, how sometimes you had to hear it more than once. “I love you.”

~ Roman

He began to squeeze her hand, and for the last year it had been such an intrical part of their lives, every day, it made her breath easier and deeper immediately. How could she let him help? He did SO much for her already. When he said he loved her, she shuttered, pressing into him and began to cry. “You don’t…know me.”

Rand

Roman looked down at her, completely confused by her statement. “What do you mean?” Of course he knew her. They’d been together over a year now. They were to be married. They spent nearly all their time together. She knew him better than anyone. Surely he knew her just as well. “Of course I know you.”

~ Roman

She didn’t want to explain. She knew how crazy it sounded. That she had these other ‘personas’. It wasn’t that Rand believed that they were real. It was just a game she and Randy had played when they were in school and she got really nervous…what would this person do? So when she was too nervous and didn’t know what she was supposed to do, she’d just imagine she was someone else and do what they would do. Eventually the list had narrowed to the characters she had played because she knew them as well as she knew herself. Her chest hurt…sitting on the desk was the data disk with all her scripts. She pointed at it weakly but clearly enough Roman would know what she was meaning. “You know them.”

Rand

Rand pointed at the data disk of her plays. It was one of few things he’d left out when he cleaned up earlier that morning. Roman recalled an entry in her journal, where she’d written that she thought he’d fallen for her characters. Was that what she meant by he didn’t know her? He shook his head. “I love you. I know the difference between you and them.”

~ Roman

How could he? How could he know the difference and still lover her. She was just her. An anxious blubbery mess, all. the. time. Too scared to do anything. It just confused her. “How? How can you and still want..” she waved at herself. “I can’t do my job. I can’t do anything anymore.” The crying made her head pound and made it hard to think. “Tha mi gun fheum. Bidh aig Elbbirt ri mo chuir dhachaigh. Chan urrainn dhomh dad a dhèanamh. (I’m useless. Elbbirt will have to send me home. I can’t do anything.)”

Rand

It hurt Roman to hear her say those things about herself. They were all untrue. He hugged her tighter. “You are not useless. You’re the best yeoman in Starfleet. You can still do reports and you are getting better.” He pressed her to him, her head against his chest. “You helped me, again. You deal with my sickbay thing, you got me to take the meds instead of going to sickbay, and then you got me to keep on with the meds, because you knew it would help. Does that sound useless to you? Because it doesn’t to me.” And then he sighed softly, looking down at her, guilt in his eyes, “I should’ve known you were struggling this badly sooner. I’m sorry.”

~ Roman

“I’m not anymore. I can’t remember things, I’m slow. I’m not allowed to do anything because I just make things worse. Randy has to fix everything.” She did not help him. She hadn’t done a thing. Not…not after that first night. He was so mad at her. Angry that she’d tried to help, so she stopped, she wouldn’t do it again. She wasn’t any good at helping anyway. She wanted to, but she just made it worse. His last statement just made her feel guilty. “Nnnot your faulttt.” He wasn’t supposed to worry about her, take care of her. It was supposed to be the other way around. He had a whole ship to take care of, and the whole crew. She was supposed to take care of him.

Rand

Roman felt guilty for being mad at her at all. He hadn’t been as angry as she thought he had, but he had been upset and he had avoided it. If he hadn’t done that, hadn’t been upset at her for doing something that helped, her head wouldn’t have gotten worse. “Give yourself time, Rand. You’re getting better. You don’t make things worse. You do what needs doing.” He felt like he wasn’t getting enough done around the ship lately. With all the days off and late starts for health issues he always felt way behind. “Maybe not but I still wish I could’ve helped sooner.”

~ Roman

The truth was, Rand was more upset with herself than Roman had been with her. If Rand hadn’t already been in her own downward spiral she would have known that and simply given Roman space and then awkwardly and timidly tried to talk to him. Rand hadn’t been herself though. Time…everyone kept saying she needed time. How much time? How much before they couldn’t give her more? She did everything they told her to do, and it wasn’t getting better. “What if I don’t? What if this is it?” Roman had the whole ship to take care of and he was still dealing with his recovery and the Ardent’s anniversary and his heart and the labs and everything. “I’m supposed to help you.” That was her job. Technically she was supposed to help the captain, and she did…well Randy did now, but part of that was helping the crew wherever they needed it, to meet the captain’s expectations and the orders given to her by Command. She couldn’t, she wasn’t allowed to do that anymore.

Rand

“You will. I know you will. You even remembered one of your lines when we read them together. They’ll keep coming back.” Roman replied. All he could do was keep trying to reassure her it would. He understood being frustrated with recovery. His body still didn’t react how he was used to sometimes because of his heart and it drove him crazy. “You told me, when I was injured and I didn’t want to wait either, that it takes time and I’d only make it worse by rushing.” He looked down at her again, “and you were right, weren’t you? Things work better when I don’t try to do too much?” He nodded, “And you still do. You help with my reports. The captain understands your absence, she just wants you to get better. And my lab techs keep asking when you’re coming back, too. They all miss you being there. When your head is doing good, I could take you there for a while.”

~ Roman

She had said that, hadn’t she? Over and over, until he was sick of hearing it probably. She knew he was right, it was just so hard to be confined. She’d fussed over it at home too. She hadn’t listened then and ended up back in the hospital for 3 months. She didn’t want that to happen again, but it was so hard to sit in this room alone with the fear and sadness. His shirt was probably soaked through at that point. “I’m sad and scared, Roman, and I don’t know how not to be anymore.”

Rand

He had been sick of hearing it. It drove him bonkers. All he wanted, especially with his other problems, was to be able to go about his life and business and, especially earlier in his recovery, a regular work day would wind and exhaust him, or he’d need his rescue hypo after a walk of the ship. It had been maddening. And he still had plenty of healing to go. The incident with the jiu jitsu had proven that. His shirt was very wet, he didn’t seem to care. He shifted slightly as if to give her a dryer spot to cry on. “Let me help and Randy too. He’s really worried about you…” Hee felt guilty for having done it, he wouldn’t have done it if she hadn’t been so out of sorts lately, but he felt it was right to tell her, so he did: “I um… I saw your journal. The… The page you’ve been working on. And… I was so worried and scared for you I showed it to Randy as well. He… He said he was going to talk to Elbbirt, and not to send you home, but to get permission for a medical option to help you. Something like… what he’s got me on. If you want it.” He had told her what Randy was changing his meds to. She was the first person he told, he’d been upset about it at the time.

~ Roman

He read her journal. Rand was mortified. She wasn’t mad he read it. Randy was always doing things like that. For the same reasons Roman said he had - because they were worried about her. It was a huge violation of privacy, and she was mortified over the things she had written, for him to read her own admissions of how worthless she was. It really wasn’t all that different from what she had done to him. She’d read the letter about the Ardent without him knowing. At first it had been about ship’s business and orders from Science Command. Then it had quickly turned into worry for him and trying to make it easier. She had had to tell him she had seen it, and she’d watched the logs because she was worried for him. This was no different. She wished she hadn’t written those things for him to find, but she knew Roman was doing what he thought he had to for her.

“Oh…” He wanted to help, and let Randy help too. Randy did so much already, always had, it wasn’t fair to him, now he had to do more, and if he didn’t Roman would do it all, and he had much more important responsibilities to ship and crew. She absolutely could not do it alone though, she was trying and she just couldn’t she just got more and more sad and scared, and she knew it. “Oh…okay.”

Rand

Roman had, deep down, been glad Rand saw the logs. All but the last one, anyway. Because even though then she knew what he was like then, how different he had been, what he wasn’t anymore, she also got to have a hint what Jay had been like. And Jay deserved people to remember him.

He looked very relieved when she said okay, and he hugged her again. “You can always talk to me. About anything.” It worried him more if Rand didn’t feel like she could tell him these things than if he thought she might feel like this and just not tell him.

~ Roman

“I know....” Rand knew she could talk to Roman, or that he would listen to whatever she had to say, just couldn’t. She couldn’t bring herself to tell him. It was easier to stay silent, but that made things worse. She was still crying and couldn’t seem to stop. Roman had gotten her to start talking and that had released everything else. He was hugging her again, and his hugs (corny as it sounded) always made everything better. It made her feel secure enough to let go and she just cried harder.

Rand

Roman just held her and let her cry. There wasn’t much else to do, she just needed to cry it out. Sometimes it just was that way. He sat quietly, still squeezing her hand in the same rhythm. There wasn’t anything else he could say.

~ Roman

Rand cried, there just didn’t seem an end to it. She was holding onto him so tight that at some point she ended up on his lap. Having finally let things out, admitting there was something was wrong, she couldn’t let go of him. She’d start to calm, doing her best to breath with the squeezes on her hand, and she’d calm and be still for awhile, and then start to cry again, then get quiet again, until finally she seemed to have stopped and was just very quiet.

There was a soft knock on the door. “Roman?” it was Randy. Elbbirt was standing outside the door, but made no offer to come in. Randy took in the room. Roman’s shirt was soaked, Rand was curled up precariously on his lap, and didn’t show any signs of caring or being aware of it. She was just holding onto him with a white knuckled grip, her face red and splotchy and tear stained. “Rand?” Randy looked like a man tormented. “Can I sit with you for awhile?” Randy nodded his head toward the door. Elbbirt wanted to talk to Roman.

Rand

Roman held her. He’d stay there all day if he had to. Just sit and hug her. She was hugged so tight to him she was on his lap, so he held her to be sure she stayed there and didn’t slide off. Roman looked up when Randy came in and saw Elbbirt. Rand would be able to feel his body tense. Then Randy nodded his head, indicating Elbbirt wanted to talk to him and his stomach knotted. It was just a chat, and, he suspected, not even about him! It was ridiculous. He hugged Rand one more time. “I need to be right back. It’ll only be a few minutes.” When he had adjusted her so he could get up, he left her with Randy and stepped into the hall to speak to Elbbirt.

~ Roman