Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark

(snip)

Roman did see that look and it only made him hug her tighter. “Rand, what’s wrong?” His voice was full of concern and worry, especially having read the journal. He looked down at her, but his arm were still around her, and he gently twirled the ends of her hair in his finger tips.

~ Roman

“Wrrrrong?” He could feel her shrink into herself, trying to be smaller, not be noticed. “Nnnnothing. I jjjust don’t feel good.” It was true. She felt off, and just not okay. Body aches, and tired, and listless, and headaches, hard to focus, no energy for anything. All physical symptoms of depression. She didn’t feel good. Rand didn’t realize that though, she just knew that telling him what she thought was wrong was an obstacle bigger than she could handle.

Rand

“Tell me, please.” Roman insisted. He had no idea what he’d get her to say, but maybe if he got her to say something it would help. “I want to know. I promise.”

~ Roman

Rand shook her head, face pressed into his chest. How could she tell him she went to sleep every night and prayed not to wake up? That simply breathing was too hard. That she couldn’t face him and Randy every day after everything they were doing for her. How guilty she felt. The idea of having to leave him left a hole in her already broken heart. She didn’t want him to know. She didn’t want to leave him, but she would have to. Elbbirt would realize eventually she would never get better. Her hands bunched so tightly in his shirt her hands cramped closed. “I’m sssad.” She was so still, her shoulders so stiff, her stomach tightly cramped, she practically vibrated with the tension. “Itttt hurttts......I ccccan’t br…reath.”

Rand

Roman led her carefully back out and sat her down in the office chair he usually worked in. Then he reached over to the bed and in a quick and fluid motion her stuffed kelpie was plopped into her lap. Then he pulled another chair next to her and hugged her. “Breathe. Like Randy taught you.” Then he looked at her with a really serious, worried look. “Remember when you noticed my sleep deprivation? You came to me, with my reports, and do you remember what you said?” He squeezed her hand, “You said I had to let you help. And I did, and things got better for me.” He hugged her again, tightly, and then said, “So let me help you. I want to. I wouldn’t be here without you and I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t here.” His voice was heavy with emotion as he loosened his grip so he could look down at her.

~ Roman

Rand hugged the kelpie to her chest and breathed in the lavender stuffed inside. Breathe. Like Randy taught you. Roman was hugging her and she was leaned against him, making her relax some and she breathed. It was hard to find the rhythm and keep the count. She’d been in a hyper aware state for too long. Pushing herself into near or full blown panic attacks for weeks. She nodded, of course she remembered. His words were intense but confusing because she just wasn’t listening. She wasn’t able to, her mind just couldn’t see past it’s own thought process. “You don’t…owe me. I…I’d help yyyou anyway.” If Rand knew how similar her own thoughts and emotions matched Roman’s all those months ago she would be terribly frightened for him, even though he was better now.

Rand

Roman started squeezing her hand in rhythm, the way she’d taught him. He kept her hugged against him as he nodded. “I know. I’d do it for you either way.” It was an ongoing battle for Roman, it had been for a long time, even before Jay, though his death had made it worse. When Rand helped him, he was in a very similar place to Rand. And again when he’d had to do that review of his old project. It got better both times. Mostly thanks to Rand. She didn’t think he owed her, he couldn’t shake the feeling he did. He’d help her even if he didn’t though. No one deserved to feel like that. “Just let me help.” He said it again. He knew how it worked, how sometimes it was too hard to break those thought processes, how sometimes you had to hear it more than once. “I love you.”

~ Roman

He began to squeeze her hand, and for the last year it had been such an intrical part of their lives, every day, it made her breath easier and deeper immediately. How could she let him help? He did SO much for her already. When he said he loved her, she shuttered, pressing into him and began to cry. “You don’t…know me.”

Rand

Roman looked down at her, completely confused by her statement. “What do you mean?” Of course he knew her. They’d been together over a year now. They were to be married. They spent nearly all their time together. She knew him better than anyone. Surely he knew her just as well. “Of course I know you.”

~ Roman

She didn’t want to explain. She knew how crazy it sounded. That she had these other ‘personas’. It wasn’t that Rand believed that they were real. It was just a game she and Randy had played when they were in school and she got really nervous…what would this person do? So when she was too nervous and didn’t know what she was supposed to do, she’d just imagine she was someone else and do what they would do. Eventually the list had narrowed to the characters she had played because she knew them as well as she knew herself. Her chest hurt…sitting on the desk was the data disk with all her scripts. She pointed at it weakly but clearly enough Roman would know what she was meaning. “You know them.”

Rand

Rand pointed at the data disk of her plays. It was one of few things he’d left out when he cleaned up earlier that morning. Roman recalled an entry in her journal, where she’d written that she thought he’d fallen for her characters. Was that what she meant by he didn’t know her? He shook his head. “I love you. I know the difference between you and them.”

~ Roman

How could he? How could he know the difference and still lover her. She was just her. An anxious blubbery mess, all. the. time. Too scared to do anything. It just confused her. “How? How can you and still want..” she waved at herself. “I can’t do my job. I can’t do anything anymore.” The crying made her head pound and made it hard to think. “Tha mi gun fheum. Bidh aig Elbbirt ri mo chuir dhachaigh. Chan urrainn dhomh dad a dhèanamh. (I’m useless. Elbbirt will have to send me home. I can’t do anything.)”

Rand

It hurt Roman to hear her say those things about herself. They were all untrue. He hugged her tighter. “You are not useless. You’re the best yeoman in Starfleet. You can still do reports and you are getting better.” He pressed her to him, her head against his chest. “You helped me, again. You deal with my sickbay thing, you got me to take the meds instead of going to sickbay, and then you got me to keep on with the meds, because you knew it would help. Does that sound useless to you? Because it doesn’t to me.” And then he sighed softly, looking down at her, guilt in his eyes, “I should’ve known you were struggling this badly sooner. I’m sorry.”

~ Roman

“I’m not anymore. I can’t remember things, I’m slow. I’m not allowed to do anything because I just make things worse. Randy has to fix everything.” She did not help him. She hadn’t done a thing. Not…not after that first night. He was so mad at her. Angry that she’d tried to help, so she stopped, she wouldn’t do it again. She wasn’t any good at helping anyway. She wanted to, but she just made it worse. His last statement just made her feel guilty. “Nnnot your faulttt.” He wasn’t supposed to worry about her, take care of her. It was supposed to be the other way around. He had a whole ship to take care of, and the whole crew. She was supposed to take care of him.

Rand