Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins
Posted by… suppressed (27) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
“Would to heaven that anything could be said or done on my part that could offer consolation to such distress.” Roman recited Darcy’s line. He didn’t much like Lydia, either. She seemed like a silly little girl, getting married far too young. And yes, he knew that was not uncommon for the era. It was still young.

~ Roman

“Sir, I think it is too late.” Lydia was far too young, even for the time period. Rand had been 17 when she took the roll. Far too young to really be Elizabeth, but she had put the competition to shame as Randy said. She wished she could remember how she had done it. She had played the part in a school play as well, but this one had been a professional performance, and had earned her the contract with the DAG.

Rand

Roman had seen her performance, he knew how good she was at it despite her young age. And he knew she wanted that back. It would be like if he couldn’t remember anything about biology. “I am so very sorry. This is grave indeed. I will leave you. Goodbye.” He was going to keep doing this with her until it worked, eventually.

~ Roman

Much happens in the next scenes. Darcy secures a marriage for Lydia. The family has mixed reactions to the news. Bingley and Darcy appear and Bingley proposes to Jane. Lady Catherine reappears and makes easy work of trying to destroy Lizzie, who is.more than a match for the overstuffed hen. Rand shakes her head, glancing at the scene and notes, she would would fainting lucky, a severe anxiety attack at worst to be forced to such a situation. But it is Lizzie’s refusal to bow to Lady Catherine that sends Lizzie out in the early down, distracted and pensive, of to fine, “Mr. Darcy!”

Rand

“What are you doing out here so early?” Roman recited the line. It was, in Roman’s opinion, Darcy’s way of making up for his past actions, to secure those things for Lizzie’s family. Though, as he says himself, in a few lines here, he did it entirely for Lizzie, not for her sisters. Which made it a bit selfish, really. He peeked at the notes on the page in the margins, curious what a young Rand might’ve written six years ago.

~ Roman

There were a lot of notes about the scene, what Lizzie would be feeling, even describing the physical effects of her emotions. But one comment stands out, ‘I can’t do this. I cannot kiss Gary. He makes me terribly nervous. He is nothing like Darcy. Darcy has high but not impossible expectations, is kind, humble, confident, and patient. I wish he was real, but such a man, for me, would be a fiction.....I am sure Gary means well, everyone seems to like him, calls him charming, but I do not find him so......Randy tells me I can discerned a man’s intentions as well as he wears pants. It is but a stage kiss, but I wish it wasn’t my first. The expectations of a fabulous scene....’ the note trails off.

“I could not sleep.” Oh how true did Rand now understand that feeling.

Rand

“Me neither. I have been up most of the night.” The notes made it obvious the Gary he’d seen referenced a few times was the name of the actor playing Darcy. Rand wasn’t fond of him. It hadn’t shown at all in her performance. It was an example of her skill as an actor. He found the note a little funny. Rand had wanted someone with “high expectations but not impossible’, it seemed she had the same expectations for her dream man - high, probably reachable, but unlikely.

~ Roman

Rand’s expectations weren’t unlikely at all, except those she applied to herself. Randy would tell Roman to examine what he knew of Rand, her anxiety and shyness and how incredibly harsh and unrealistic she was on herself and apply that times 1000. Then reread her notes with that in mind. Darcy had high expectations of himself and those around him. He did not hold others to greater or less than himself, and what he wanted was clear. Rand liked that, she needed that. She didn’t expect to find anyone who would be…compassionate about her shortcomings, or be so overly direct that she didn’t have to try and decern their meeting. She had been wrong though because that’s exactly how Roman was.

He did not see those characteristics in himself. He knew he was direct, he knew he always knew what he expected of people. But ‘kind, humble, confident, and patient’? That felt like a stretch.

Rand would have told him they were certainly true, he was that way with her, and despite how sassy and arrogant her brother was, he showed those same traits to Randy. She didn’t tell him though because he didn’t know that’s what he was thinking.

“Mr Darcy, I must thank you for your unexampled generosity to both my sisters. I know what kindnesses you have done for poor Lydia and suspect your hand in the happy resolution for Jane also.”

Rand

“I am alarmed that you know of what I have been so in earnest to keep silent. But you must know that your happiness was one of my prime inducements.” Elizabeth looks at Darcy. “I know you are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my Aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I had scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me forever.” There was a long pause.

“If, however, your feelings have changed… I would have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul and I love and love and love you. And never wish to be parted from you from this day on.” There was real emotion in those words because it was true for Roman, too.

~ Roman

Rand looked up at him, feeling those words all the way to her core. Her breath caught in a soft gasp at how perfect those words were coming from Roman. The truth and honesty of them. He was so much more than Darcy. Darcy seemed a pale comparison to her Roman. Yes, very much she would marry him, Rand’s feeling had never been contrary to that. She smiled, the expression so reminiscent of that day in her office when he confessed how he felt, by quoting Shakespeare.

She opened her mouth to answer and then paused. She had lines. She was supposed to say her lines. Her teeth tugged on her lower lip, searching for the words, and then frustration followed by confusion. What was the line? Her lower lip quivered and tears spilled from the corner and tracked down her cheek. She couldn’t remember. She didn’t want to look at the script, she was supposed to know this. She wanted to give him this, remember the lines, to answer him the same way he’d given her, his lines.

She looked away, but she couldn’t read the words through her watery vision. A whispered, barely heard agony, “I…I can’t remember…”

Rand

Roman hugged her tightly again, and then pointed to the PaDD, highlighting the line. His voice was soft and gentle. “Give it time, Rand. They will come back. But for now, it’s right here on the page.” He smiled at her, “Trying to force yourself won’t make you remember faster.”

~ Roman

Rand hated it. She felt hollow and broken. Ignoring it for months hadn’t brought it back either. They were gone, burned away by the explosion and crushed to ashes when her head hit the deck. Dutifully she looked at the page, blinking to clear her eyes. She stared sadly at the page, then her breath left her in a rush. She could do this one, right? She loved Roman, he was the most dear to her, her own personal Darcy. It wasn’t hard to think about that and a future of being his wife. On its own, it was carried on the sound of her voice, even if she did stutter at first.

She paused and started again, “I am very happy to inform you that not only have my sentiments changed there are no other words which could give me greater pleasure.”

Rand

Roman still wished he could have been there and protected her. He would have taken this and another month in sickbay over watching her go through this. He would do it without hesitation. When she said her line, he leaned over and kissed her, slow and gentle and lingering.

~ Roman

Rand was thankful he hadn’t been there when her office terminal had exploded. He could have been hurt much worse after his heart. She never would have forgiven herself if he’d taken the brunt of the force. The chance was high that if he hadn’t been hurt already he would have been with her at that time of the day. When looked at from that perspective, the loss of those memories was a price Rand was willing to pay again to know he was safe.

Roman could tell the kiss surprised her from her small inhaled gasp. She didn’t object only surprised. She wasn’t sure why, it was just the natural conclusion of a proposal, wasn’t it? Fictional or real. She remembered how Roman had kissed her when she’d finally been able to answer him. She’d been shocked, surprised, stunned, speechless, so radiantly happy. Her kiss was soft and she was eager to let it linger while slowly it turned passionate.

Rand

Roman enjoyed the chance to kiss her whenever it came around. A fictional proposal was the perfect excuse. He hugged her tight to him and let the kiss keep going, turning more passionate as it went on.

~ Roman

She held on close to him, trying to only be in that moment. Roman deserved that, she would keep trying for him. Until that wasn’t enough anymore. She pushed that dark vicious monster of thoughts and fear away. It didn’t really go away, just held at bay. Rand had spirled into a dark place. It took awhile, but slowly Rand relaxed. Letting Roman kiss the anxiety and overwhelming depression away, at least for however long he held her. The tears dried on her cheeks, and her hands slid up over his shoulders.

Rand

For Roman it was a relaxing relief from everything. Everything but Rand faded away, Roman felt mushy and relaxed. Her hands went over his shoulders, his slid up her back and pressed, pulling her closer. There was nowhere better.

~ Roman

How strange and how incredibly wonderful that in so short a time, less than a year really, Roman had become so vital to her. The feel of Roman’s hand against her back soothed her unlike anything else ever had. She was safe. Was she in danger here on the ship? No she wasn’t, only from herself and her anxiety. Roman made everything okay. His hand against her back drew a relaxed sigh from her.

She pulled back slightly, “Ho…” but he was still kissing her, and she thought whatever she was going to say could wait a bit longer.

“How…” kiss, “did…” kiss, “it begin?” Rand wasn’t really interested in giving him a chance to answer.

Rand

Roman noticed immediately that she had said the next line… And there was no way she’d looked at the script. She was way too interested in his kiss. That was good, he must have been right. He’d mention it to Randy. Apparently not interested in his reading the next line just yet because he had no chance to answer. He was content with that.

~ Roman

At some point the kiss ended gently. Rand was curled against his chest, her head tucked into the crook of his neck. Quietly, yet determined, Rand held onto the stillness, knowing on the other side was the confusion, frustration, missing memories, and the struggle to do the most routine duty tasks. Right now though, everything was okay. She lifted her head and kissed him again before cuddling back against him.

Rand

Roman seemed relaxed and content next to her. His head rested against hers, his eyes closed, his breaths were smooth and steady and slow. Finally he peeked one eye open and took a long breath and then read, “I cannot fix the hour, or the spot, or the look. It was too long ago and I was in the middle before I knew it had begun.”

~ Roman

Rand, eyes closed, smiled against him. That’s exactly how she felt. She was in the middle of it before she realized she was attracted to him. She liked that Roman felt the same. She should ask him why he fell in love with her. Oh not that it mattered how or why, just that he did. It was such a girly thing to ask him too. Maybe she shouldn’t.

Her voice was soft, teasing - playful. “Now be sincere, did you admire me for my....” suddenly it was gone. Rand would never consider herself impertinent, so the word flew away before she could capture it. A sick twisting formed in her gut. Lines, they were reading lines. This wasn’t their own conversation…it was a script…she couldn’t remember....her body stiffined in his arms as the dread returned. She glanced at the PaDD looking for the line…her voice stuttered and fell flat…”mmmy…my im…imper..tenence.”

Rand

Roman’s hand moved gently, rubbing her back as her body tensed. It had gone away, darn. But it was better than before, so he was still happy. He read the next line for Darcy, “For the liveliness of your mind, I did.”

~ Roman

Rand was quiet for a long time, just breathing with the motion of his hand on her back. She considered not replying but she promised. She waited though, trying to find that relaxed place again and just read the lines smoothly even if it wasn’t in character. “You may as well call it impertinence, though make a virtue of it by all means. My good qualities are under your protection,” Rand paused at that phrase, several implications flitting across her mind and settling and digging into the back of her mind, “and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible. And, in return, it belongs to me to find occasions for teasing and quarreling with you…” She certainly tried to tease Roman, though she always felt shy and awkward about it, but why on any planet would she want to quarrel with him? Her voice trailed off, the rest of the line scanned by her eyes, but barely spoken, “as often as maybe…and I shall begin directly…” Her head moved against his chest as she shook it. The line confused her.

Rand

Roman flipped the page again, there was one more scene of Elizabeth and Darcy together, and it was far too cute to skip. Or maybe Roman just wanted to kiss her some more. Either way, he started the scene off, ” How are you this evening, my dear?”

~ Roman

When Rand looked up at him, she had turned an absolutely adorable shade of pink when he said, ‘my dear.’ The only endearment Roman ever used was her full name. He was the only one who did. Unless Randy was mad at her. “I....Very well.” A look of uncertainty crossed her face. Were they still doing lines? She turned her face to check. Oh…they were. She was a little disappointed. “Very well....although I wish you would not call me ‘my dear’.” Oh but though it was strange to hear him call her ‘my dear’, she would not complain.

Rand

That lovely shade of pink settled across her face and he knew she liked him calling her that. Which made the next line all the more funny to him: “Why?” He looked at her, with a bit of the robin hood look as he said it.

~ Roman

Oh that look! It wasn’t fair. She had no idea what she had done to cause it either. Her stomach flip flopped and the pink in her cheeks turned red.

Why? Absoluty no reason why. She stared at him till she got so flustered she looked away. Line! She had a line. Having to read it gave her an excuse to look away. “Because it’s what my father always calls my mother when he’s cross about something.”

Rand

Roman grinned and hugged her. He loved how her face turned red and then she seemed to rush to turn away and read her line. “What endearments am allowed?” He asked, reading the next line. Then he gave her that look again. He was intentionally teasing her, and he was loving it.

~ Roman

Rand looked away again, her heart racing, but this didn’t feel like panic - at least not a whole lot. She stared steadfastly at the page, her hands laced together tightly. Even the tips of her ears were pink. He was teasing her and she didn’t know what to do about it. She swallowed hard enough to be heard. “Well let me think…” Rand’s mind went totally blank, she had no idea what she would even suggest. Thankfully she didn’t have to, it was all written down. “…’Lizzy’ for every day. ‘My Pearl’ for Sundays,” that one made her giggle slightly, “and…’Goddess Divine’…” Who would say that? Rand silently intreaded Roman to never use that one. “But only on very special occasions.”

Rand

“And… what should I call you when I am cross? Mrs. Alden…?” Roman read the line, not catching his mistake himself. He turned again to look at her, the same mischievous glint in his eye. She was bright red and pink and it was cute. It seemed to be taking her mind off the anxiety of trying to remember, which was the goal.

~ Roman

His mistake had Rand’s complete and immediate attention. She looked up at him so fast she bumped his chin, but was too shocked to say she was sorry. An ache stabbed at her heart but looking up at him and that look of his chased it away. “No!” No she did not want him to call her that when he was cross. It sounded too amazing to be said when he was mad. “No.” She searched his eyes for a long moment, chewing her lip nervously before glancing back at the PaDD. Should she change the line like he did? “No. No. You may only call me ‘Mrs. Alden’ … when you are completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy.” Rand looked back up at Roman. Whether she wanted him to see it or not, clearly she needed his assurance. Had she done it right? Was she doing what she was supposed to do?

Rand

“Ouch!” It was a muttered, quiet word as Rand’s head bumped his chin. Then he realized his mistake… And grinned and completely owned it. “Then how are you this evening… Mrs. Alden?” And then he followed the directions on the script: he kissed her forehead. “Mrs. Alden.” And then a kiss on one cheek, “Mrs. Alden…” Another quick kiss, on the nose. “Mrs. Alden…” Then he gave her a kiss on her other cheek, lingering a moment. “Mrs. Alden…” And finally he kissed her on the mouth, another long, gentle, lingering kiss, his arms wrapping around her once again. With each repetition of Mrs Alden, his voice had grown softer and quieter, his focus all on her.

~ Roman